Part 2: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This thread has been continued from Part 1: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328208.0

Thanks for your advice. Need some more now bough, of course I am feeling slightly better and went to meet my best friend and going for a night out. So she must have a six sense and has just sent me a message to screw up my emotions ‘you don’t need to bring much luggage, the only things left of yours are just clothes’ how do I respond? I kind of want to reply saying ok no point me coming back if I only have clothes there to call her bluff, but I do want to go back so maybe best just to ignore this message? Her mum did say she had been selling lots of my stuff to raise money which is ok as stuff can be replaced but be fact that she’s sending this message now like she’s trying to hurt me maybe doesn’t deserve a reply... .? Any advice more than welcome at this tough time. Thank you

[Sufferingsoul34]

This thread has been continued from Part 1: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328208.0

Thanks for your advice. Need some more now bough, of course I am feeling slightly better and went to meet my best friend and going for a night out. So she must have a six sense and has just sent me a message to screw up my emotions ‘you don’t need to bring much luggage, the only things left of yours are just clothes’ how do I respond? I kind of want to reply saying ok no point me coming back if I only have clothes there to call her bluff, but I do want to go back so maybe best just to ignore this message? Her mum did say she had been selling lots of my stuff to raise money which is ok as stuff can be replaced but be fact that she’s sending this message now like she’s trying to hurt me maybe doesn’t deserve a reply... .? Any advice more than welcome at this tough time. Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

If it were me:

1. I'd stay with my current plan that I set out with, going home when I planned and previously communicated.
2. Maintain that you don't want a divorce, but you don't want her to feel a prisoner in the relationship.
3. Don't discuss any huge financial plans until the relationship has been set back to a place where you can see it continuing with some confidence.
4. Continue to talk and listen to her when she calls. 

id second all of that as great advice.

i think you screwed nothing up by stating you dont want to divorce, in fact i think its very important you be clear on that (as you have been... .no need to chase her or beg, or otherwise make her feel trapped).

[QBert]

Just checking in... .How is it going? Any new word?


Wishing you the best.   

[Sufferingsoul34]

Thank you for checking in I really appreciate it, love this group. No new word from her at all, I miss her so much and constantly checking to see if she’s messaged me but I think until she reaches out to me it’s best not to contact her... .who knows when that will be and whether it’ll be a nice message or something to hurt me. All of my friends and family are telling me to stay in the I’m and divorce her and never go back, but they aren’t me and don’t fully understand the situation, they just view the things she does as crazy and that I don’t deserve it. So now I’m just waiting to see when she will contact me again and hopefully it’ll be nice messages. Sound like a good idea?

[Sufferingsoul34]

Still nothing from her since the last message that I only really have clothes left there... .at my wits end as to what to do, I want to talk to her but then again I know it’s best to wait for her to reach out to me, and I know she must be very busy with the lsat the next couple of weeks so shall I just wait? And try to be strong? Borderlines usually messaage when lonely right? With my wife she seems to message when she’s had an argument with her Mum or somebody close to her.

[Sufferingsoul34]

Ok I’ve just received a message from her saying ‘hey’ completely out of the blue... .how do I respond? Or do I?

[once removed]

not much to say but "hey" (or some variation) back.

[QBert]

You are right.  Only you can decide if the benefits of the relationship outweigh the down sides...

At the same time, at some point one has to give up if it's clear any feelings are unrequited.

These are things that only you can decide.

[Sufferingsoul34]

I didn’t response then she asked when I’m coming to Utah

[once removed]

did you answer?

[Sufferingsoul34]

Yes eventually. I was out with friends when she started saying this (sixth sense when I’m having s good time) so I didn’t respond to begin with to the ‘hey’ message, then the next message asking when I’m going. I didn’t respond as i was out. Then she started calling me? What is that? Control you think? I didn’t answer and responded to say that I will be back there when when my dad has results from the operation he’s having next week which is the truth. Which is like 2/3 weeks. She said ok, then later that day she messaged again saying by the way I am staying with my mum as the basement (where we were living before) I didn’t respond to that. Today she sent another message saying ‘the kids miss you’ meaning the kids that we taught at church for abit ( we taught kids at the Mormon church for a few months). I said I miss them too. Now tonight she’s sent another message out of the blue saying I need to pay her dad for July and August phone bill (I paid July but still owe august so I messaged her dad and he said he just spoke to her on the phone ten mins ago asking how I was and I need to pay him august) so she’s making uo things for an argument. Now she’s trying to call me but I’m out with friends. I just forward this message to her dad and he said he’s going to New York next week and she asked to go and he said she can’t so now because she’s even rejected she’s looking out for me. I don’t know what to do or how to respond to this but why is she constantly trying to call me if she wants a divorce or is it all manipulation?

[Chitchat]

'How do I respond? Or do I?'

Not if panicky.

This isn't advice, as such, and I don't know the full story, but I understand you stated you want to keep the door open. She followed with abuse, then 'hey', then a question that puts the ball back in your court without giving anything away. But she's in regular touch, so will you lose much by breadcrumbing, doing your own thing while on top, and waiting to see what she's got?

Easy to say when it's someone else's BPD SO.

[Sufferingsoul34]

Well she was messaging me saying ‘the kids miss me’ maybe it was her indirect way of saying she missed me. Then later that day her dad says that I still owe him money for our phone bills the past two months and money is her sensitive point. So seems she went from painting me white to black from what her dad said so quite annoyed at him for that as he knows the whole situation.

[Sufferingsoul34]

Ok another message completely out of the blue... .do you want to go to Thailand in October? How do I even respond to that... .we went to Thailand in the past for a few months together so maybe this is her wild card as she can’t reel me in with sex.

[pearlsw]

Hi Sufferingsoul34,

What do you want to say, if anything, in reply to this? Do you want to reverse things, better them, move on?

Where do things stand regarding the future from your perspective?

take care, pearl.

[Sufferingsoul34]

I want to reverse things and for things to work out but for me it’s inportant that she gets consistent therapy.
Because it’s been a month now, part of me thinks I should just move on with my life but when she messages things like that and a Thailand trip, it reminds me that she doesn’t know what she wants and maybe she’s just looking for a response from me to see if she still has control over me.
What should I respond? I responded saying Thailand/ why Thailand? And she said because her dad and his wife are going, but I spoke to him yesterday and he said they are not they are going on a cruise in February and he asked my wife to invite me. So I am unsure what to say on this matter?

[Sufferingsoul34]

Ok update - she called me tonight and I missed the call so called back an hour later and we spoke for 20 minutes. She said I didn’t reply to the Thailand thing, I said why do you want me to go with you? She said because we have fun, I said but you said you don’t want to be with me (probably should haven’t said that but too late now). I also mentioned I would be going to Utah in a couple of weeks if she still wants, she said she still wants to see me as we have fun together but doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. I changed the subject and talked about my dads operation tomorrow and General things her schooling and LSAT test etc then the conversation ended ok. 5 minutes later she’s sending me a long message stating that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore ‘I wish we could still be friends. But I want you to get over me. It’s hard for the sake of others. I’m asked about you all the time, church, friends, family, etc. I don’t like to talk about it you know that. But I can’t keep something for the sake of others. But it’s still hard to deal with that. We do have fun together but we can’t stay married. ‘
Then 5 minutes later another text. ‘I have to look at you as a friend, if not I’ll always hate you. I do hold stuff in, but I think those things are valid. I don’t want to simply get over anything, I want to move on, which I am and feel good about it. But I still care about you as a person.’
Is she just trying to hurt me as she’s hurting a lot? Her Mum told me she spent Saturday at her brothers who is married and another married couple was there, also her best friend who she’s also with has gone to visit her boyfriend for 2 weeks so it could be that she’s feeling even more lonely. But she knows my dad has an operation tomorrow so sends me this message the night before just to make me feel even worse... .is that how BPDs work? I actually feel slightly better about reading her message than I usually would which shows progress from my side but it still hurts when the wife you love says these things.

[Sufferingsoul34]

I didn’t respond and I get this... .‘Anyways, I don’t think you should come for just your clothes, i think that’s a stupid excuse. You can buy new clothes with how much your ticket would cost. I can send your hard drive. But if you want to come to see me, that’s different and just say so. I just mentioned Thailand because i think it would be a last fun trip. Or we could go somewhere else. I actually thought about going to England recently but obviously I can’t afford anything and i don’t want you to pay for my ticket there because you would think more of it. I feel like I’m sounding like a brat but I’m honestly not trying to be mean at all, I’m just saying what i feel. So are you still going to come?‘ I feel like I’m
Losing my sanity reading stuff like this, one extreme to the other... .anybody experienced anytbing similar to this before?

[blackorchid]

hey sufferingsoul34 i feel your pain, My BPD fiance is throwing the best friend card at me all the time and its killing me.  He is alsi asking me to do fun things with him and then backtracking out of them... Interesting how you say are they doing it because they are hurting themselves... .would you be happy to go on the trip with her? would you feel strong enough to do it? Have you heard anything since?

[Sufferingsoul34]

I think at the end of the message when she asked if I am still going, I think she means going to Utah to see her. I didn’t respond yet, this message was last night and I haven’t heard anything since but for sure she we will be calling me if I don’t respond. I’ve spoken to some people about it today and they are saying she’s just trying to get a free trip out of me, but the all hate her because they don’t understand BPD. Don’t know what to do, any advice on what she sent me would be great.

[once removed]

Sufferingsoul34,

im curious why you tend to view everything she does as control, manipulation, a game, a sixth sense?

isnt it more likely that shes feeling needy (pwBPD are very needy) and has difficulty coming out and saying it, communicating her needs?

the thing is, if you view her/her actions that way, everything becomes a big guessing game, where youre trying to outsmart her (youre ignoring her and shutting her out a bit). i can certainly understand feeling guarded, but its not necessarily a strategy conducive to reconciling a relationship.

[Sufferingsoul34]

To be honest, i think it’s because she’s hurt me so much in the past that for my own sanity I am trying to stay guarded. I feel as though the control is playing a part as I’ve taken advice from my therapist but maybe she is wrong? Yes she probably does have difficulty communicating her needs you’re right... .what would you do in my situation in response to the messages when she mentions divorce and me being a terrible person to all of a sudden wanting to go on holiday with me and for me to see her in Utah for ‘fun times’?

[Sufferingsoul34]

My dad went in to hospital today to have a small tumour removed and she asked how it went just now. So I told her, and she asked if she should come here to support me. I don’t know what to answer, she has university at the moment and my family know all of our issues but of course they don’t know about BPD much and just tell me she’s evil and to leave her.

[once removed]

these are very personal choices. we can help you weigh them.

by and large, they arent the actions of someone in the middle of following through with a divorce.

they are mixed signals, i know. id be confused as well.

it does sound like shes looking to connect with you on some level. the question is whether or not you want to do that.

has she mentioned divorce/called you a terrible person recently or was that before all of this?

[Sufferingsoul34]

 Ah she hasn’t, only the messages I put up here a few days ago was what she said.

She asked me again yesterday if she should come to England to support me through my dads issue, I said better to wait for the results as you have school etc. We had a long chat last night and she was being nice over the phone. I want to say yes come here but only if we have a future, otherwise I can’t deal with anymore agony when my dad is going through this. But I don’t know how to word it? Or is it pretty obvious she wants to remain with me but has trouble communicating and opening up if she’s offering to fly here anyway. (Even though a month ago she had a flight here and didn’t take it as ‘she didn’t want to get close to my family since we were going to break up’

[once removed]

She asked me again yesterday if she should come to England to support me through my dads issue, I said better to wait for the results as you have school etc.

i think this was a reasonable, wise move.

I want to say yes come here but only if we have a future, otherwise I can’t deal with anymore agony when my dad is going through this. But I don’t know how to word it? Or is it pretty obvious she wants to remain with me but has trouble communicating and opening up if she’s offering to fly here anyway.

its hard to say. it seems to me, she is conflicted. these arent typical actions for someone pursuing a divorce, and they are confusing. it might also be reading too much to say its obvious she wants to remain with you. it is possible that the two of you get together, spend time together, and she pulls away, brings up divorce again. dont expect that, per se, but anticipate the possibilities and be realistic. the important thing is not to get too caught up in her shifts, and not overreact to them. if your goal is to reconcile, take the opportunities to connect, within reason (dont just dive headlong into them). try to build on them when they happen. if it feels uncomfortable, or its bad timing, put some brakes on, but try to avoid rejecting her. again, the approach you used above was a good one.

[Sufferingsoul34]

Ok I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks as I’ve been taking care of my dad after his operation and trying to focus on him. He is doing better now and my wife has been callings and messaging me all the time to ask how he is doing. Now he is getting better she is back to asking the questions the same as before like when am I going to America and yesterday one random one ‘I want to remain friends’ was completely out of the blue. Then she started to ask what I want. I told her I would be coming as soon as my dad gets the all clear from his cancer which hopefully will be October 10th. She’s then asked why don’t I come now then come back to England October 10th. I said he needs me at the moment but could be an option if we can get the appointment sooner. It seems she’s eager to see me and keeps mentioning we should go on holiday together or she come to England for a few days to see me. But then 2 days ago she messaged me saying that her sister in law has been asking if we are still together. I asked what she said and she replied’the truth’. I didn’t ask more on the subject but I messaged her brother yesterday asking what happened as we talk about the situation a lot (my wife doesn’t know) and he said that my wife told his wife that she is only still with me because I pay the bills and the CSR registration etc. that hurt me especiallyas she never tells family our issues so the question is what do I do. I would like to go to America and for it to work but I can’t deal with it if she still doesn’t know what she wants. Shall I just give an ultimatum and say I will come back only if she wants to focus on the marriage? How do borderlines react to ultimatums? Never really given her one before but she has to want to focus on the marriage for it to work and if she still doesn’t know what she wants. Also she has been messaging me ally saying she’s going to the gym all the time andso proud of her new body, it’s  like she’s looking for more attention from me to help her insecurities.

[once removed]

How do borderlines react to ultimatums?

like anyone else.

in general, ultimatums should be used as a last resort. theyre not necessarily "bad", and they have a time and place, but the point of an ultimatum is that youre putting all your cards on the table, and you have to be prepared to back it up.

are you?

[Sufferingsoul34]

Well the way I feel now is that I don’t want to go back to her if she doesn’t want to work at it, but she seems to not know what she wants, but what I do know is that i don’t want to go back for somebody using me for money. I want her to want to work at things as a couple and put effort in, if she’s not willing to do that then surely it’ll be the same cycle over and over with her saying why am I there etc. but I feel as though she’s had enough space now to miss me etc

[once removed]

its tough to put the information you received from her brother in the proper context.

- it could be the truth
- it could have been a bit of bravado on her end, not the full picture
- it could have been what he interpreted, not necessarily what she said

include in that picture that shes making overtures to emotionally support you, and wondering if youre going to return. the news is concerning, nonetheless, but its hard to gauge. are you currently supporting her financially?