How I learned how to swim - Pt 6 - Moving On

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We have finally reached the last chapter of this story!  

Let's see, where we left off was that my BPD ex and I were still living together but she had plans to move out by the end of that month.  I stood my ground on some issues and had pointed out what was illogical or inconsistent in her narrative.  I got some threats in response, including that she would either kill herself or give up everything she owned and hitchhike around the country if she could not find a place to live.  There was a pervasive sense of anger and hatred that filled the house and very little communication was happening.

She started posting on social media about her plan to hitchhike and asked for people to donate money.  On sites where either I or our mutual friends had accounts, she did not give a lot of details.  On sites that she thought I would not see or where no one knew me, she told a completely different story.  She told her friends that the break up turned sour very quickly and that she was losing her home.  It was written in a way that made it look like I was the cause of these things even though she broke up with me and she was the one who decided to move out and when it was going to happen.  I suppose it made for a better story to get people to donate money to her.

This made me angry.  I already knew that she was trash talking me but there was something about seeing it in writing that set me off.  I went downstairs and asked if I could talk with her.  This was the only time that I approached her when I was angry.  I did not yell or scream, but I was confrontational.  I did not mention what she wrote on social media but said, "You know, if you think I am such a villain and a horrible person, you do not need to feel compelled to stay here with me the rest of the month."  She got defensive and asked why I was telling her this.  I said that she saw herself as all good and me as all bad and if I was really so bad, she should go.

She went into her debate tone of voice and said, "It's not that you are all bad, it's that I did so much more in the relationship than you.  I broke myself cleaning this house and you did nothing."

I replied, "So working 40 hours a week, sometimes double that, and paying all the bills is nothing?  Are you telling me that that one thing alone does not at least equal the amount of work you did?"

She didn't have an answer.  Her hands were shaking as she reached for a backpack and started throwing things in it.  She was going to leave with just what she could think to put in that backpack in that moment.  I saw that things were out of control. I stood up and said, "I'm going to stop this now.  I'm not going to say anything else about this.  I'm going to leave the house for a few hours.  You don't have to leave unless you want to, but I am not going to confront you anymore."  I went to a friend's house for about 4 hours.  She was at home and asleep when I returned.

I spent the next day thinking about why I did what I did.  I didn't learn anything on social media that I didn't already know.  What made me so angry?  In my head, I thought that I already understood what was happening and why and that I had forgiven her.  But I hadn't really and she kept reopening the wound by continuing to say things about me that were untrue.  I felt like I was trapped in a place where the wound would be continually reopened for the weeks remaining until she moved out and I could not start on my healing until she left.

Then I thought, "Why do I have to wait until she leaves?  Why can't I just let it go now?" It was kind of radical idea and, honestly, I wasn't really that comfortable with it at first because I thought it meant that I would be conceding to being mistreated as long as she lived there.  But I realized that I just wanted to be free of it.  I wanted to be freed of the ways that we had hurt each other.  I wanted to be freed of the perception that I was not good enough.  I wanted to be free of the resentment that tied me to the hurtful and unfair things she did and said to me.

I just let it go and forgave her for all the things she had done and the things she may yet do.  She did nothing to earn this.  She hadn't changed her behavior.  She hadn't made any effort to reconcile or even do the bare minimum of recognizing how I had been hurt.  But that's not what grace is about.  Grace is given freely especially when you do not deserve it.  I stopped thinking about the things she did recently and started thinking about how this whole behavior pattern likely existed because she was abused and neglected at such a young age and that she probably was not even aware of what she was doing.  I found may way back to empathy and love and in doing so I was released from the resentment.  I could see a bigger picture than just the ways we had hurt each other and I felt compassion for both of us.  Compassion changed me.

The next day I apologized to her for the way I had confronted her.  I said, "I hope you can understand that I was only trying to make sense of what does not make any sense to me and I did it in the wrong way."  Her eyes teared up and she was silent.  It was the last conversation that we had that had any emotion to it.

I did learn some things from this social media fiasco.  She told a completely different story to people who did not know me and could only know the way that she represented the events.  She wouldn't hint at any of this to someone who knew me well.  That could have been out of respect for me but she hadn't been showing that much respect in general so I doubt it.  I think she knew that anyone who knew me would not take her version of events at face value and she didn't want her story to be challenged.  Also, despite the fact that she said that she loved her new friends and respected them, she was willing to lie to them to get their sympathy and their money.  So there's that.

A few days later, she told me that someone on social media had offered her a place to live in another state.  She was in a good mood finally.  She had found another white knight. I told her I was glad that something worked out and I hoped she would be happy there.  The remaining weeks before she moved were mostly uneventful.  We still didn't really talk to each other but she was in a good mood.  She no longer felt the need to tell me how bad I was.  I did my thing and she did hers.

A few days before she moved out, she posted on social media about how she could not wait to move and get out of this state.  She made a comment that no one seemed to care that she was leaving.  I asked her about this and she said that no one threw her a going away party or took her out to a local bar.  My first thought was that you can't shun all human contact for more than half a year to talk to people online then be surprised when no one shows up to take you to a local bar.  But Jesus was with me so I didn't say that out loud.

There was something in the way she said it that indicated that I should have been coordinating these things.  "Wait, were you expecting me to throw a going away party for you?" I asked.  "Because you made it pretty clear that you didn't even want to talk to me so how was I supposed to know that you wanted me to throw a party?"

With hesitance she replied, "Noo... .I'm mean things were tense between us and then... ."  Her voice just trailed off.  The uncertainty in her voice made it clear that she had expected that of me but also realized that it was kinda silly expectation considering.  She changed the subject and talked about how much she hated the whole state and couldn't wait to leave it.  Apparently my badness was so bad that it engulfed the entire state.

She moved out the next morning.  I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt and made a gift for her.  In the letter, I talked about how I understood what happened and why.  I never mentioned BPD to her but I peppered the letter with a few psych jargon words like "devalue" and "discard" in case she should share it with a therapist in the future.  I told her that most of what happened had to do with her own self contempt but that she has no reason to hate herself the way she does.  I told her I loved her and always would.  I said that she would always be a part of the fabric of who I am and I am grateful for her.  I doubt that she ever read and probably just threw it out of the car window, but I said what I needed to say.

She left more than half of her belongings at the house and told me to take it to Goodwill or throw it away.  I was surprised that she had the audacity to do that but I didn't really argue about it.  I found it to be metaphorically appropriate that she was rushing to run away and left half her crap behind for me to deal with.  

She did a number of spiteful things like leaving her trash everywhere in addition to her belongings.  She even left a sex toy (one I'd never seen) prominently displayed on a shelf as if to say that I was going to need it because I would never attract anyone else or be in a relationship again.  I just laughed about it all.  What else can you do?  They were all so obviously disrespectful and desperate attempts to get under my skin one last time.  One last try to push my buttons and get me to behave like the villain she thought I was.

Before she left, I went into a momentary panic.  The realization that this was really happening and that I was soon going to be alone hit me hard.  I had an impulse to beg her to stay and admit it was all some kind of mistake and we could work it out.  Instead of doing that, I came here and started reading posts.  It calmed my panic and settled my doubts.  It reminded me that what happened and that what I have felt is real.  By the time she left I was kind of annoyed that she was interrupting me from reading a really interesting post comparing BPD relationships to symbiotic relationships between parasites and hosts among animals.  We said a few words, she gave me her keys and then she was gone.

I called her about a week later to see how she was doing and to let her know that I found something important of hers when I was cleaning out her stuff.  She gave me her address and I sent it to her.  There has been no contact since.  I initiated contact and did something nice for her.  There was no expression of gratitude for me making sure that she had something she needed.  If contact is to continue, she must reciprocate in kind.  I'm not chasing after her.  I take her silence to mean that she does not want to talk to me.  Really, that's not surprising.  I saw and know to much for her to feel comfortable talking with me; she knows that the illusion doesn't fool me anymore.

She's made a lot of posts on social media about how great her life is now.  At first I struggled with that but then I realized that this is the expected pattern.  It is one more piece of evidence to put in the BPD file.

I have continued my work in understanding what happened and dealing with the things that are still unresolved or unknown.  Did she have a romantic relationship with one or more of her online friends that prompted this?  There certainly seems to be some kind of infatuation going on there.  But does it really matter to me now?  No.  Was she really asexual throughout the whole relationship but didn't realize it or was changing sexual orientations a useful crowbar to pry herself away from me?  Either option is possible.  But does it really matter? No.  Letting go of my need to know the answers to all questions has helped me a lot.

I truly hope that she does find happiness.  I don't wish vengeance or even justice really.  I hope she will never have to feel what I have felt.  I hope that she will never know what is is like to know in your gut that the person you love doesn't want or desire you.  I hope she will never know what is like to be told that all of who you are and what you have done in your life has no value.  I hope that she will never know what it is like to have the person you trust most use love as a weapon against you to harm or intimidate.  I hope that she will never know what it is like to recognize your mistakes but have no path forward to reconcile and heal with those you may have harmed.

As for me, I am working on loving and accepting myself as I am.  I never want to be in a situation again where I start or stay in a relationship because I need the love from another that I cannot have for myself.  I've been writing a lot. (If you think this story is long, you should see my journals HA).  I find things to laugh about (including myself).  I'm reaching out and connecting with people more.  

I am working with some friends to start a support group and referral service for LGBTQ+ people and allies in my region.  I live in a rural, conservative area and there is nothing like this within a 100 miles in any direction.  There are so many people in my community who cannot be accepted for who they are and maybe cannot even accept themselves.  I know what it is like to not be accepted, even by the ones who say they love you.  I am invested in creating a safe environment where people can be their glorious selves and be known, accepted and loved just as they are.

That goes for myself too.  I'm just being my glorious self all over the place and accepting and loving myself for it.  I've struggled over the length of this story, thinking no one would want to read all of this or no one would be interested.  On the other hand, I think my story might be interesting because I took the path not traveled often and there might be something interesting in that for people. Maybe there will be something in my story that will help someone to see things from a different perspective or at least not feel so alone.

I learned about what was happening while it was happening.  I documented all the conversations and what I was thinking and feeling in my journals.  I went over them again and again to try to make sense of what was going on.  Using reason and evidence, I slowly got my head above the water I was drowning in.  At first all I could manage was a dead man's float, then I could dog paddle.  Now I'm swimming towards the shore and over the undertow that pulled me so deep beneath the surface before.  I keep breathing.  I keep getting stronger.  I keep moving on.

"I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim"
-Ani Difranco, "Swim"

[Educated_Guess]

We have finally reached the last chapter of this story!  

Let's see, where we left off was that my BPD ex and I were still living together but she had plans to move out by the end of that month.  I stood my ground on some issues and had pointed out what was illogical or inconsistent in her narrative.  I got some threats in response, including that she would either kill herself or give up everything she owned and hitchhike around the country if she could not find a place to live.  There was a pervasive sense of anger and hatred that filled the house and very little communication was happening.

She started posting on social media about her plan to hitchhike and asked for people to donate money.  On sites where either I or our mutual friends had accounts, she did not give a lot of details.  On sites that she thought I would not see or where no one knew me, she told a completely different story.  She told her friends that the break up turned sour very quickly and that she was losing her home.  It was written in a way that made it look like I was the cause of these things even though she broke up with me and she was the one who decided to move out and when it was going to happen.  I suppose it made for a better story to get people to donate money to her.

This made me angry.  I already knew that she was trash talking me but there was something about seeing it in writing that set me off.  I went downstairs and asked if I could talk with her.  This was the only time that I approached her when I was angry.  I did not yell or scream, but I was confrontational.  I did not mention what she wrote on social media but said, "You know, if you think I am such a villain and a horrible person, you do not need to feel compelled to stay here with me the rest of the month."  She got defensive and asked why I was telling her this.  I said that she saw herself as all good and me as all bad and if I was really so bad, she should go.

She went into her debate tone of voice and said, "It's not that you are all bad, it's that I did so much more in the relationship than you.  I broke myself cleaning this house and you did nothing."

I replied, "So working 40 hours a week, sometimes double that, and paying all the bills is nothing?  Are you telling me that that one thing alone does not at least equal the amount of work you did?"

She didn't have an answer.  Her hands were shaking as she reached for a backpack and started throwing things in it.  She was going to leave with just what she could think to put in that backpack in that moment.  I saw that things were out of control. I stood up and said, "I'm going to stop this now.  I'm not going to say anything else about this.  I'm going to leave the house for a few hours.  You don't have to leave unless you want to, but I am not going to confront you anymore."  I went to a friend's house for about 4 hours.  She was at home and asleep when I returned.

I spent the next day thinking about why I did what I did.  I didn't learn anything on social media that I didn't already know.  What made me so angry?  In my head, I thought that I already understood what was happening and why and that I had forgiven her.  But I hadn't really and she kept reopening the wound by continuing to say things about me that were untrue.  I felt like I was trapped in a place where the wound would be continually reopened for the weeks remaining until she moved out and I could not start on my healing until she left.

Then I thought, "Why do I have to wait until she leaves?  Why can't I just let it go now?" It was kind of radical idea and, honestly, I wasn't really that comfortable with it at first because I thought it meant that I would be conceding to being mistreated as long as she lived there.  But I realized that I just wanted to be free of it.  I wanted to be freed of the ways that we had hurt each other.  I wanted to be freed of the perception that I was not good enough.  I wanted to be free of the resentment that tied me to the hurtful and unfair things she did and said to me.

I just let it go and forgave her for all the things she had done and the things she may yet do.  She did nothing to earn this.  She hadn't changed her behavior.  She hadn't made any effort to reconcile or even do the bare minimum of recognizing how I had been hurt.  But that's not what grace is about.  Grace is given freely especially when you do not deserve it.  I stopped thinking about the things she did recently and started thinking about how this whole behavior pattern likely existed because she was abused and neglected at such a young age and that she probably was not even aware of what she was doing.  I found may way back to empathy and love and in doing so I was released from the resentment.  I could see a bigger picture than just the ways we had hurt each other and I felt compassion for both of us.  Compassion changed me.

The next day I apologized to her for the way I had confronted her.  I said, "I hope you can understand that I was only trying to make sense of what does not make any sense to me and I did it in the wrong way."  Her eyes teared up and she was silent.  It was the last conversation that we had that had any emotion to it.

I did learn some things from this social media fiasco.  She told a completely different story to people who did not know me and could only know the way that she represented the events.  She wouldn't hint at any of this to someone who knew me well.  That could have been out of respect for me but she hadn't been showing that much respect in general so I doubt it.  I think she knew that anyone who knew me would not take her version of events at face value and she didn't want her story to be challenged.  Also, despite the fact that she said that she loved her new friends and respected them, she was willing to lie to them to get their sympathy and their money.  So there's that.

A few days later, she told me that someone on social media had offered her a place to live in another state.  She was in a good mood finally.  She had found another white knight. I told her I was glad that something worked out and I hoped she would be happy there.  The remaining weeks before she moved were mostly uneventful.  We still didn't really talk to each other but she was in a good mood.  She no longer felt the need to tell me how bad I was.  I did my thing and she did hers.

A few days before she moved out, she posted on social media about how she could not wait to move and get out of this state.  She made a comment that no one seemed to care that she was leaving.  I asked her about this and she said that no one threw her a going away party or took her out to a local bar.  My first thought was that you can't shun all human contact for more than half a year to talk to people online then be surprised when no one shows up to take you to a local bar.  But Jesus was with me so I didn't say that out loud.

There was something in the way she said it that indicated that I should have been coordinating these things.  "Wait, were you expecting me to throw a going away party for you?" I asked.  "Because you made it pretty clear that you didn't even want to talk to me so how was I supposed to know that you wanted me to throw a party?"

With hesitance she replied, "Noo... .I'm mean things were tense between us and then... ."  Her voice just trailed off.  The uncertainty in her voice made it clear that she had expected that of me but also realized that it was kinda silly expectation considering.  She changed the subject and talked about how much she hated the whole state and couldn't wait to leave it.  Apparently my badness was so bad that it engulfed the entire state.

She moved out the next morning.  I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt and made a gift for her.  In the letter, I talked about how I understood what happened and why.  I never mentioned BPD to her but I peppered the letter with a few psych jargon words like "devalue" and "discard" in case she should share it with a therapist in the future.  I told her that most of what happened had to do with her own self contempt but that she has no reason to hate herself the way she does.  I told her I loved her and always would.  I said that she would always be a part of the fabric of who I am and I am grateful for her.  I doubt that she ever read and probably just threw it out of the car window, but I said what I needed to say.

She left more than half of her belongings at the house and told me to take it to Goodwill or throw it away.  I was surprised that she had the audacity to do that but I didn't really argue about it.  I found it to be metaphorically appropriate that she was rushing to run away and left half her crap behind for me to deal with.  

She did a number of spiteful things like leaving her trash everywhere in addition to her belongings.  She even left a sex toy (one I'd never seen) prominently displayed on a shelf as if to say that I was going to need it because I would never attract anyone else or be in a relationship again.  I just laughed about it all.  What else can you do?  They were all so obviously disrespectful and desperate attempts to get under my skin one last time.  One last try to push my buttons and get me to behave like the villain she thought I was.

Before she left, I went into a momentary panic.  The realization that this was really happening and that I was soon going to be alone hit me hard.  I had an impulse to beg her to stay and admit it was all some kind of mistake and we could work it out.  Instead of doing that, I came here and started reading posts.  It calmed my panic and settled my doubts.  It reminded me that what happened and that what I have felt is real.  By the time she left I was kind of annoyed that she was interrupting me from reading a really interesting post comparing BPD relationships to symbiotic relationships between parasites and hosts among animals.  We said a few words, she gave me her keys and then she was gone.

I called her about a week later to see how she was doing and to let her know that I found something important of hers when I was cleaning out her stuff.  She gave me her address and I sent it to her.  There has been no contact since.  I initiated contact and did something nice for her.  There was no expression of gratitude for me making sure that she had something she needed.  If contact is to continue, she must reciprocate in kind.  I'm not chasing after her.  I take her silence to mean that she does not want to talk to me.  Really, that's not surprising.  I saw and know to much for her to feel comfortable talking with me; she knows that the illusion doesn't fool me anymore.

She's made a lot of posts on social media about how great her life is now.  At first I struggled with that but then I realized that this is the expected pattern.  It is one more piece of evidence to put in the BPD file.

I have continued my work in understanding what happened and dealing with the things that are still unresolved or unknown.  Did she have a romantic relationship with one or more of her online friends that prompted this?  There certainly seems to be some kind of infatuation going on there.  But does it really matter to me now?  No.  Was she really asexual throughout the whole relationship but didn't realize it or was changing sexual orientations a useful crowbar to pry herself away from me?  Either option is possible.  But does it really matter? No.  Letting go of my need to know the answers to all questions has helped me a lot.

I truly hope that she does find happiness.  I don't wish vengeance or even justice really.  I hope she will never have to feel what I have felt.  I hope that she will never know what is is like to know in your gut that the person you love doesn't want or desire you.  I hope she will never know what is like to be told that all of who you are and what you have done in your life has no value.  I hope that she will never know what it is like to have the person you trust most use love as a weapon against you to harm or intimidate.  I hope that she will never know what it is like to recognize your mistakes but have no path forward to reconcile and heal with those you may have harmed.

As for me, I am working on loving and accepting myself as I am.  I never want to be in a situation again where I start or stay in a relationship because I need the love from another that I cannot have for myself.  I've been writing a lot. (If you think this story is long, you should see my journals HA).  I find things to laugh about (including myself).  I'm reaching out and connecting with people more.  

I am working with some friends to start a support group and referral service for LGBTQ+ people and allies in my region.  I live in a rural, conservative area and there is nothing like this within a 100 miles in any direction.  There are so many people in my community who cannot be accepted for who they are and maybe cannot even accept themselves.  I know what it is like to not be accepted, even by the ones who say they love you.  I am invested in creating a safe environment where people can be their glorious selves and be known, accepted and loved just as they are.

That goes for myself too.  I'm just being my glorious self all over the place and accepting and loving myself for it.  I've struggled over the length of this story, thinking no one would want to read all of this or no one would be interested.  On the other hand, I think my story might be interesting because I took the path not traveled often and there might be something interesting in that for people. Maybe there will be something in my story that will help someone to see things from a different perspective or at least not feel so alone.

I learned about what was happening while it was happening.  I documented all the conversations and what I was thinking and feeling in my journals.  I went over them again and again to try to make sense of what was going on.  Using reason and evidence, I slowly got my head above the water I was drowning in.  At first all I could manage was a dead man's float, then I could dog paddle.  Now I'm swimming towards the shore and over the undertow that pulled me so deep beneath the surface before.  I keep breathing.  I keep getting stronger.  I keep moving on.

"I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim"
-Ani Difranco, "Swim"

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Educated_Guess,

I like how you decided not to wait until she was gone to let it go.  You got a head start on your healing.  Of course, it's grace.  One of my favorite hymns is ". Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". The words are so beautiful, especially, Oh to grace, how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be".

I'm glad you are being "your glorious self" and part of our community, sharing with us.  We are healing and learning together.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Educated_Guess]

Hi Mustbeabetterway!  Thanks for the kind words.  "Come Thou Fount" is one of my favorite hymns too.  The lyrics are beautiful.  I love the melody too; it seems to capture such a sweet feeling of longing.

[SerendipityChild]

Hello EG... .I was looking forward to the last chapter of your story. And had to control my tears during the part where you had that momentary panic when she was leaving and started to doubt your feelings. I was in the same predicament each time he threatened to leave. So glad you are keeping yourself busy and have a great set of friends for support.   
Again, I giggled when I read this quote " By the time she left I was kind of annoyed that she was interrupting me from reading a really interesting post' 
You are doing great EG and sending you a big 

[Cromwell]

Hi Educated Guess

I enjoyed reading all your installments - thank you, can relate to it - most importantly, some key revelations youve made so far about focusing on your life - not needing to know all the answers - I wish I got to that stage quicker, its where my recovery really shifted up a few gears, I enjoyed your learn to swim analogy, it resonated, "sink or swim" is a way I can relate, I found myself with the scenario on that dark day that I had to completely cut her out my life - that it was done not so much as a choice as it was one of the few true "needs" that confronted me in life.

The only other thing id need in relation to getting back with her is a lobotomy.

[SerendipityChild]

The only other thing id need in relation to getting back with her is a lobotomy.

   

[XSurvivorX]

 

Reading the entirety of your story has made feel so, so very happy and proud of you!

You are a true Saint, I swear.  I am so glad that you are on a happy and healthy path now.

[Lostinthedesert]

Thank you for so eloquently sharing your story, Educated_Guess.  I found many parts to be so similar to my own.  In the end there is simply no way to have a normal relationship with someone who can't deal with their demons and will do anything to protect themselves from the pain we have all had to go through when we are laid open from the experience.  Like you, I kept a journal to have a record of the many times my ex said and did such odd things.  I found it helpful to keep reading to see how far back it all went and realize there just wasn't all that much time when things were "good" or "great," before it was frustrating, hurtful, and rejecting.  My ex had a proclivity to draw violence and abuse to herself from practical strangers... .and I spent so much time trying to help her navigate the sh*t storm, it became exhausting.  Finally I had to realize this "invited victimization" was something she seemed to be addicted to or needed.  It was so absolutely crazy making and of course I was then also blamed to be another of a long list of "abusers" in her life.  It was sad indeed to watch someone continually choose violence and victimhood over stability and true love from myself.  Anyway, I appreciate your words.

[Educated_Guess]

Hello EG... .I was looking forward to the last chapter of your story. And had to control my tears during the part where you had that momentary panic when she was leaving and started to doubt your feelings. I was in the same predicament each time he threatened to leave. So glad you are keeping yourself busy and have a great set of friends for support.   
Again, I giggled when I read this quote " By the time she left I was kind of annoyed that she was interrupting me from reading a really interesting post' 
You are doing great EG and sending you a big 

Hi SerendipityChild!  Thanks for the encouragement, the shared tears, giggles and hugs! 

Oh my goodness is that panicky moment scary.  But we made it through, didn't we? 

I like that you are giggling about the part where I was annoyed.  I'm hesitant to admit it because it kinda makes me sound like an ass.  But I wanted to be as honest as I could when writing this so maybe that honestly makes me an ass.     I am not one of those kinds of people who ignore everyone in their vicinity so they can stare at their phone; it gets on my nerves when people do it.  But in that moment, it was like, "Wow, here you are interrupting my healing process again!"  I was just over it.

[Educated_Guess]

I enjoyed reading all your installments - thank you, can relate to it - most importantly, some key revelations youve made so far about focusing on your life - not needing to know all the answers - I wish I got to that stage quicker, its where my recovery really shifted up a few gears, I enjoyed your learn to swim analogy, it resonated, "sink or swim" is a way I can relate, I found myself with the scenario on that dark day that I had to completely cut her out my life - that it was done not so much as a choice as it was one of the few true "needs" that confronted me in life.

The only other thing id need in relation to getting back with her is a lobotomy.

Hi Cromwell!  Thanks for the kind words and sharing some of your story.  Let me tell you, this not needing to know the answers to things is so out of character for me.  I'm an Aquarius and an INTP - my entire existence is based on having questions and finding answers.  Honestly, I'm still a little suspicious of this letting go of the need to have answers. 

I guess the thing that helped me to start letting go is that I was dealing with the results of my ex going full on devalue/discard on me.  Does it really matter what path she walked on to get to that place?  The outcome would have been the same regardless of what path got her there.  Maybe pondering endlessly on questions that I can never know the answer to (if I asked her, she would just lie) is a way to distract myself from the things I do need to focus on: the actual outcome and how it affected me.

I'm not sure what happened in those moments between when I was drowning and when I got my head above water.  Maybe some kind of survival instinct just kicks in.  By the way you described your experience, it sounds like something similar happened with you.

Oh and I love the lobotomy quote! 

[Educated_Guess]

Reading the entirety of your story has made feel so, so very happy and proud of you!

You are a true Saint, I swear.  I am so glad that you are on a happy and healthy path now.

Hi XSurvivorX!  Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.  You got me blushing over here!

I certainly don't feel like a saint.  There were a lot of things that I did wrong over the course of the relationship that I did not mention here.  I mean, they do have character limits on these posts   

If my ex ever finds these posts, I'm sure she would fill you in on all my mistakes.  And if you think I am verbose, you should see the way she writes.  It takes her 5,000 words just to clear her throat.

[Educated_Guess]

Thank you for so eloquently sharing your story, Educated_Guess.  I found many parts to be so similar to my own.  In the end there is simply no way to have a normal relationship with someone who can't deal with their demons and will do anything to protect themselves from the pain we have all had to go through when we are laid open from the experience.  Like you, I kept a journal to have a record of the many times my ex said and did such odd things.  I found it helpful to keep reading to see how far back it all went and realize there just wasn't all that much time when things were "good" or "great," before it was frustrating, hurtful, and rejecting.  My ex had a proclivity to draw violence and abuse to herself from practical strangers... .and I spent so much time trying to help her navigate the sh*t storm, it became exhausting.  Finally I had to realize this "invited victimization" was something she seemed to be addicted to or needed.  It was so absolutely crazy making and of course I was then also blamed to be another of a long list of "abusers" in her life.  It was sad indeed to watch someone continually choose violence and victimhood over stability and true love from myself.  Anyway, I appreciate your words.

Hi Lostinthedesert!  Thank so much for the kind words and sharing some of your story.  I can definitely empathize with what you are describing.   Just curious, did your ex suffer abuse and/or neglect at a young age?

My ex experienced abuse beginning at a very young age - about the same time that a child is at the stage where they develop a sense of self.  I think because of the abuse that occurred at that time, my BPD ex's only consistent sense of self was something like "I am one who has these horrible things done to her."  Once I saw that, it explained so many things for me.  She could not fathom being a person who does things, she could only be a person who has things done to her.  This explains why she could never make decisions, she couldn't initiate anything in her own life and why she couldn't reciprocate in the relationship. 

Another thing that I think came from this is that she eventually sees all people as abusers.  She even accused me of emotionally badgering her and acting out the same kinds of abuse that happened to her when she was a child which was just absurd.  It's like everyone on earth is cookie dough but she only has one cookie cutter- and that cookie cutter is in the shape of those who abused her when she was a child.  We all end up looking the same to her eventually.

[Lostinthedesert]

Yes, my ex told me her adoptive father basically used her as a sex toy for 6 years.  She was adopted, so you also have that abandonment from the birth mother.  She just went on to abusive relationship after abusive relationship... .at least from her telling.  I understand how that horrible abusive start in life sets you up to equate love and attention with pain and humiliation.  So very sad, yet at some point I had hoped she wanted more out of life than victimhood.  And the very sad part is that this woman was so very smart and talented and beautiful and tough in other ways.  But I learned as so many of us have that we cannot save them from themselves.

[SerendipityChild]

Oh my goodness is that panicky moment scary.  But we made it through, didn't we?  

I like that you are giggling about the part where I was annoyed.  I'm hesitant to admit it because it kinda makes me sound like an ass.  But I wanted to be as honest as I could when writing this so maybe that honestly makes me an ass.     I am not one of those kinds of people who ignore everyone in their vicinity so they can stare at their phone; it gets on my nerves when people do it.  But in that moment, it was like, "Wow, here you are interrupting my healing process again!"  I was just over it.

Yes we did  and survived! I won’t say unscathed because I’d be lying, but slowly getting my head over water so to speak. A few days after writing and receiving unending support from several here I started walking, or rather running with, my dog every morning. That’s been every single morning since and have not stopped. I find it as my own little way of surviving a difficult challenge and I’m coming on strong. In my head I’m equating my struggle to joining basic military training with the goal of passing it with flying colors  . But man, it does feel better. I’m losing weight for the right reasons and my self-esteem is slowly rising. My kids see this glowing changes in me and it’s contagious- they, too, are in high spirits. I have just realized how much time I’ve spent being anxious, always pacifying my ex and attending to his never-ending needs with no reciprocity nor appreciation whatsoever. I still feel guilty for letting my kids see me in such weak state, and I’m trying to reverse that impression. We have never felt any closer and psychologically at peace. Funny how much I appreciate simply braiding my daughter’s hair or making sure my son’s pants are neatly ironed=)
By fhe way, from the chapters you’ve written I will never perceive you as an ass. Ever.  Proud of you

[Cromwell]

That’s been every single morning since and have not stopped. I find it as my own little way of surviving a difficult challenge and I’m coming on strong. In my head I’m equating my struggle to joining basic military training with the goal of passing it with flying colors  .

Hi SC

youve got special forces written all over your recovery.

If you agree to do my "finisher" circuits on my behalf tomorrow, I promise to be the catering regiment supply line; I will wave the wooden spoon and conjur up more imagery of culinary delights to keep morale heightened.

im on the caramel lattes now SC, the virtual macarons are baked and ready for dispensed into ration bags. Please enjoy they are calorie free.

We will all win this war, strong minds, keep going at this rate SC youll run out of space for all those medals and ribbons

right I better go to sleep and do these circuits myself 

[eeps]

wow, Educated Guess!
i just finished reading all of your story. i can empathize with a lot.
i'm with Mustbeabetterway, it really struck me that you decided not to wait until she left to start your healing. i feel like i totally waited until my ex moved out to make some big changes in myself. sure, i put some things in motion, i read Codependent No More, put myself into therapy, found Stop Walking on Eggshells, and this messageboard... .but in so many ways, i was putting off the real work until his move out date.
i think you are really brave!
i am still hurting very badly, but i have a lot of compassion for my ex. it helps pull me through the anger and back to love. there are so many lessons to learn, and all we can do is go through it.

[SerendipityChild]

Hi SC

youve got special forces written all over your recovery.

If you agree to do my "finisher" circuits on my behalf tomorrow, I promise to be the catering regiment supply line; I will wave the wooden spoon and conjur up more imagery of culinary delights to keep morale heightened.

im on the caramel lattes now SC, the virtual macarons are baked and ready for dispensed into ration bags. Please enjoy they are calorie free.

We will all win this war, strong minds, keep going at this rate SC youll run out of space for all those medals and ribbons

right I better go to sleep and do these circuits myself  

Hello Cromwell and thanks for this. Agreed, special forces seem to be my recovery theme including its history. I’ve been in a war I couldn’t win with my ex regardless of the intention to keep our world a better place. Everyday was a combat- with him firing all the ammunition and all I could do was hide behind the wall and wave the white flag. Just so he can make me his prisoner to torture whenever he so wishes. He would feed me scraps to remain alive. What’s the fun of beating a dead horse?

Caramel latte sounds soothing and the macaroons comforting. I wonder what’s next on the menu to maintain smooth recovery? Keep them coming, they are certainly needed by us wounded ones  

Enjoy your day Cromwell... .

[Cromwell]

salute Comrade SC

Remember when the enemy propaganda broadcast, tune out straight away! They will give up eventually.

In the meantime I have found some near expired Dr Oetker Gelatin Sachets, I will draw up some plans for them and report back in due course.

hope your enjoying the PT 

[Educated_Guess]

Yes, my ex told me her adoptive father basically used her as a sex toy for 6 years.  She was adopted, so you also have that abandonment from the birth mother.  She just went on to abusive relationship after abusive relationship... .at least from her telling.  I understand how that horrible abusive start in life sets you up to equate love and attention with pain and humiliation.  So very sad, yet at some point I had hoped she wanted more out of life than victimhood.  And the very sad part is that this woman was so very smart and talented and beautiful and tough in other ways.  But I learned as so many of us have that we cannot save them from themselves.

Hi Lostinthedesert!  Wow, this is so similar to my BPD ex's story.  It is a heartbreaking thing.  I understand that the things that led to my eventual breakup with my ex where things that began 3 decades before I ever met her.  I feel a lot of compassion for her because so much of this is because of things that should have never happened to her.

I have compassion for you and your ex too.  It is the same dynamic at play.  I've been thinking a lot about inter-generational abuse and neglect and how it causes so much pain.  We really do end up carrying the burden of the "sins of the father" if our family passes on the consequences of their own abuse/neglect to us as children.  The pain just continues to be passed on from person to person until someone decides they are going to break the cycle and work on the pain and choose to heal from it.

I am also like you in that I wanted to be able to love my ex through that pain. I wanted to show her what real love and acceptance could be like.  It sounds crazy but that can actually be a very scary thing for someone who has suffered abuse and has a deep level of shame.  It's counter-intuitive - it should be the very thing that they want and need but they have extreme difficulty in accepting it.

One of the reasons is because of the risk that is inherent with love.  If you love someone and open yourself to them, there is always the risk that the person might reject you or that you might lose them by death or some other circumstance.  It takes courage to open yourself up to that risk.  It takes courage to love and be loved.  With pwBPD, it seems that all they have ever known is rejection and abandonment.  It takes a tremendous amount of sustained courage to love in a long term relationship - it is exponentially moreso for someone whose life history has taught them that they will eventually be abandoned.  It becomes easier to self-sabotage than to live with risk inherent to being genuinely loved and accepted.

The second reason is that if you are loved and accepted by another person, you have to face the reality that you might actually be lovable and acceptable.  This is such a difficult thing for someone who has a deeply ingrained sense of shame.  As long as shame is in the driver's seat, you can't really believe that you are a person who can be loved.

It is such a sad thing to see especially when you see it in someone that you love so deeply.  You just wish that you could love them right through it.  But learning how to love yourself is a journey that everyone must make on their own.

[XSurvivorX]

If my ex ever finds these posts, I'm sure she would fill you in on all my mistakes. 

Oh trust me, if mine did she would be creating a diatribe of how bad and awfuller I am, I am sure of it.  I honestly wouldn't put her past being the type who could lurk around places like this.SHe'd know my writing style in a heartbeat, and some of the nuances of our relationship would stand out to her.  -- Hey, if you're reading this, I wan't my freakin' CDs back   -- Anyways, joking aside, we've all done our very best and no one is perfect.

And its hard to be semi-perfect when faced with BPD.  Really hard.

[Educated_Guess]

Yes we did  and survived! I won’t say unscathed because I’d be lying, but slowly getting my head over water so to speak. A few days after writing and receiving unending support from several here I started walking, or rather running with, my dog every morning. That’s been every single morning since and have not stopped. I find it as my own little way of surviving a difficult challenge and I’m coming on strong. In my head I’m equating my struggle to joining basic military training with the goal of passing it with flying colors  . But man, it does feel better. I’m losing weight for the right reasons and my self-esteem is slowly rising. My kids see this glowing changes in me and it’s contagious- they, too, are in high spirits. I have just realized how much time I’ve spent being anxious, always pacifying my ex and attending to his never-ending needs with no reciprocity nor appreciation whatsoever. I still feel guilty for letting my kids see me in such weak state, and I’m trying to reverse that impression. We have never felt any closer and psychologically at peace. Funny how much I appreciate simply braiding my daughter’s hair or making sure my son’s pants are neatly ironed=)
By fhe way, from the chapters you’ve written I will never perceive you as an ass. Ever.  Proud of you

And I am SO PROUD of you, SerendipityChild, for doing all that you are doing to turn your life around!  You are fantastic!

You've mentioned a couple of times about the guilt you feel about letting your kids see you when you were weak.  I want to challenge you to think about this differently.

Guilt happens when we feel that we have caused harm or loss to someone we care about.  But what did your children lose by seeing you when you were weak?  Maybe they lost the image that Mom is perfect.  But none of us are perfect and that was just an illusion anyway.  

What they gained is seeing you as you really are, imperfections and all.  That opens the door to real human connection.  As they grow up and they experience times when they may struggle or feel weak, they can think back to when they saw the same in you and they saw you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start running forward.  They may feel like they can open up to you and share their own struggles with you because they know you will understand.  Would they feel like they could open up to you as easily if they thought you were perfect and never had times of weakness?

Our failures and struggles can bind us together much more than our perfections ever can.  Just look at this messageboard for evidence of that.  This short video explains it much more eloquently than I do:

https://youtu.be/cyn_04DP27w

Blessings to you!

[Educated_Guess]

wow, Educated Guess!
i just finished reading all of your story. i can empathize with a lot.
i'm with Mustbeabetterway, it really struck me that you decided not to wait until she left to start your healing. i feel like i totally waited until my ex moved out to make some big changes in myself. sure, i put some things in motion, i read Codependent No More, put myself into therapy, found Stop Walking on Eggshells, and this messageboard... .but in so many ways, i was putting off the real work until his move out date.
i think you are really brave!
i am still hurting very badly, but i have a lot of compassion for my ex. it helps pull me through the anger and back to love. there are so many lessons to learn, and all we can do is go through it.

Hi eeps!  Thank you for your kind words!  My decision to start forgiving early was born out of my impatience.  This character flaw of mine occasionally turns out to be a virtue 

I'm sorry that you are still going through pain but I am glad that you are finding your way to compassion.  Somewhere on this path I've been walking, I landed on the idea that the compassion that you can have for others is equal to the compassion you can have for yourself.  My ex couldn't have compassion or empathy for me so I know she could not have it for herself.  What a horrible way to live!  But we don't have to be stuck in that same trap, right?

[SerendipityChild]

And I am SO PROUD of you, SerendipityChild, for doing all that you are doing to turn your life around!  You are fantastic!

You've mentioned a couple of times about the guilt you feel about letting your kids see you when you were weak.  I want to challenge you to think about this differently.

Guilt happens when we feel that we have caused harm or loss to someone we care about.  But what did your children lose by seeing you when you were weak?  Maybe they lost the image that Mom is perfect.  But none of us are perfect and that was just an illusion anyway.  

What they gained is seeing you as you really are, imperfections and all.  That opens the door to real human connection.  As they grow up and they experience times when they may struggle or feel weak, they can think back to when they saw the same in you and they saw you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start running forward.  They may feel like they can open up to you and share their own struggles with you because they know you will understand.  Would they feel like they could open up to you as easily if they thought you were perfect and never had times of weakness?

Our failures and struggles can bind us together much more than our perfections ever can.  Just look at this messageboard for evidence of that.  This short video explains it much more eloquently than I do:

https://youtu.be/cyn_04DP27w

Blessings to you!

Appreciate this, Educated_Guess.   I think my guilt comes from them seeing me not protecting myself as much as I needed to at the time. I have always been the proud, accomplished and strong type- all of which slowly morphed into someone entirely just the opposite. Never in a million years have I felt such weakness and gullibility. I was so drunk in love with him... .not realizing how that love became so poisonous to my body and psyche. I am still in the process of detoxing little by little, day by day.

You are absolutely right- I don't think they will be free to share anything with me if I only project and seek perfection. I never thought of it in that light. Thank you! 

And the YT video... .  wow... The part when she said "You don't have to fake anything. The jagged edges of our humanity are what connects us to one another... .wounds, mistakes, and failures- things that create enough texture on us that our fellow human beings have something to hold onto".
Well said and how fitting for all of us here. 

[Cromwell]

 But what did your children lose by seeing you when you were weak?  Maybe they lost the image that Mom is perfect.  But none of us are perfect and that was just an illusion anyway.  

Wow Educated, this helped me a lot today. I wasnt feeling particularly guilty, the relationships with my step son and the rest of the family that i sidelined has became the strongest it has ever been as a result of this.

But it took its strain, the first thing my step son told me when I told him shes never going to be back was "the freak is finally gone"

Yet in 3 years, he never opened up, or more accurately probably couldnt feel he could, everyone saw how "mesmerised" I was, like being hooked to an addiction, in a trance like state.

I feel guilt, yet I also see what happened as a turning point. I may have ended up pushing everyone into the periphery, but it was a lesson of how much I appreciate them and shouldnt have done so. Thanks for posting this insight EG