Trying to remain flexible and mindful to not go backwards

[Lollypop]

Hi

11 months living independently, son27 has continued to manage his finances (I haven’t been involved so can only guess at the jig and miss of his payments). 

Other than saying he was extremely tired and wasn’t sleeping there wasn’t too much to worry about. Or so I thought! I knew he’d been too the dr for some sleeping tablets and he seemed so much better.

We lent him some money to buy a decent car, remained flexible the first three weeks as he had unexpected car tax to pay, then he was sick a couple of days and I gave him an extra week. I Sent him a reminder text plus I called and he paid up without any problem. All seemed reasonable. Sunday.

Tuesday I get a text. “I’m so I unwell. I’m sick in the head.”  I asked him to come over after work for a meal.

Wow. He was on the floor. He gobbled  his meal (I don’t think he’s eating enough, he’s gaunt).  He relaxed slightly and then started to talk and didn’t stop for at least an hour. Depressed. High anxiety about the state of the world. We are all doomed. That when we die he’ll be virtually on his own, he’ll only have his brother.  He can’t trust anyone other than us. He wants to kill himself - he also admitted that he could see the difference in his current state of mind and his “childish” threats when he was a teenager.  He says he’s getting stronger in his thoughts that he wants to leave this world. The good news is that he saw our gp and has been referred for a blood test (son27 is convinced he’s wrecked his stomach with codeine and is now vit b deficient).

It was an extremely challenging evening. He left and I suggested he come home for his evening meal this week as I felt he’d appreciate the support.  H and I were both so very upset. Younger son got upset but didn’t know all of it.

Wednesday evening. He walked in like nothing was wrong.

Trigger?

His tiredness and mood has been noticed by his two bosses. Relationships were getting strained. 

He’ll be here soon.  Let’s see how he is today.

It was crazy that in less than 2 hours H and I had mentally leapt to moving him back home, selling the house, buying one with an annex and looking after him til we die. I was deferring my uni 3rd year. 

Fear.  It makes us behave extremely.  We’re back to be balanced thank goodness.

Meanwhile, younger son is angry with me because I told him bluntly that he can’t start a relationship with his gf’s best friend.  Why?  Because the current gf is the ex-bf of his old gf.  He stormed off to his room in a huff.  Can you keep up? The current gf lost all of her friends because of him apart from one and he stupidly met her in secret last week. I realise I’m overstepping the mark but for goodness sake, has he not learnt? I pointed out to him that it’s me he comes running to when he’s unable to cope with more than one girl in his life. Sheesh.

It’s just so tiring. I’m amazed I can still smile.

Vent over.

Stay strong. Big girly boots on for me.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Lollypop,

    Sounds like the roller coaster we are all use to being on. tiring, you bet! I'm right there with you. Sometimes I feel like I drag myself through the day. Yesterday I was sharing a snip it of my present journey with my boss, she laughed and laughed, looked at me and said oh I'm sorry you probably don't think its funny. I looked back and said well yes I do, if I didn't I'd be crying all the time. The one conclusion I've come to over the years is that with mental health issues, the only constant is that every day is different, YOU NEVER EVER KNOW WHAT'S COMING NEXT.   So just like you I've been here the last few days venting, sharing, I even had my own melt down the other day.  then I have to get over myself, put on my smile (like you) and get through another day.
   I'm happy for you that he is trying to be independent, it's still hard for us to watch them struggle.

[Lollypop]

Hi blue

He’s just popped Home - “I’m dead on my feet, blah blah”.  I got him laughing with a bit of gossip. He ate a huge meal and was instantly lifted.  Showed me some new vitamin b tablets that he says will cure him.  Happy as Larry. See you tomorrow night mum.

We couldnt make our stories up could we Blue!  I know it’s horrible at the beginning, particularly when we reel around hysterical!, I know there are truly tough times but the emotional distance that detachment brings us allows us to smile and even laugh at the craziness.

Thanks for listening. Thank goodness we’ve got this forum to vent.

LP

[Merlot]

Hi Lollypop

Sounds like you and bluek9 have had tough few weeks to say the least.

It was crazy that in less than 2 hours H and I had mentally leapt to moving him back home, selling the house, buying one with an annex and looking after him til we die. I was deferring my uni 3rd year. 

Fear.  It makes us behave extremely.  We’re back to be balanced thank goodness.

I think this is a really powerful statement in dealing with BPD.  Nothing like the fear of suicide to want to make you jump right back in to rescue - that parental overide seems to just want kick right back in when our children aren't coping - years of being hard wired to it I'm sure.

Glad things are back on track for you LP   

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hey Lollypop  

That's amazing, 11months of independent living, his way ! Same length of time my DD's been out of treatment. A huge yard stick, remember them LP?    Your emotional support, open door, loving heart, helps him pick himself up, work it out, carry on happy as Larry. As I see it every challenge has a triumph in waiting, got to be.

I'm wondering about the vit b tabs, perhaps others have first hand experience on this? My DD's best friend was suffering with pernicious anaemia (known as B12 neuropsychiatric syndrome) where she can't absorb B12 from the stomach, she has an injection every 3 months, she had one today. It took years for her to get this sorted.

Don't sell the family jewels LP. You're doing great, true grit.

WDx  

[Huat]

Hi Lollypop and Bluek9.

I'm jumping in here with Wendydarling to give you both a well-deserved and much-needed... .((HUG).

Huat

[Lollypop]

Thanks Merlot, WD and Huat

Me and bluek9 can take this gift and wrap a ribbon on it!

every challenge has a triumph in waiting

PERSPECTIVE

LP

[wendydarling]

PERSPECTIVE

   exactly when you say 'fear it makes us behave extremely', our children too.

Do you think your son is ready to help himself, is trying to work it out?

WDx  

[Yepanotherone]

I read this thread while on vacation LP but then lost all reception for a couple of days when we were “ off the grid “ in the mountains !

Boy oh boy , what a nightmare you had with your son there for a minute , I can only imagine how you must have felt! It reminds me to not take things for granted again now that we have found ourselves in a good place again ... the carpet can literally be swept out from under neath your feet in a blink of an eye . Your story reminds me to not get blase !

I’m so glad he was fine and dandy again soon afterwards though x

Ride the storm! Then back to calm !

[Lollypop]

Hi WD and Yep

He is trying to work things out himself and I take comfort in that but it’s hard to watch.

I’ve got a son27 who now works and loves his job. This is a massive gift. He is defined by it, it gives him identity and purpose. Monday to Friday he finds life hard but just bearable. He should be able to survive on his money if he was careful. Food is a big expense as he won’t cook.

The weekends come and he’s exhausted. He spends his days in a dark room on his laptop smoking weed. He’s lost touch with his friends who go out and enjoy their leisure together. He has no interests. The weekends are just a period to physically recover and he has no energy for anything. 

He’s depressed, lonely, tired and faced with the practical reality that he can’t take a break from work because he can’t afford it.  As he says, there’s always something I’ve got to fork out for, equipment needs to be replaced or maintained, I don’t ever seem to have enough money. I try to stop the weed and I’ll go for two weeks or so but I always end up binging.  I can’t ever give up in this environment, I need to get away if I’m to succeed.

He’s in a kind of 2/3 week cycle.  He’s been better this week as he’s been coming home for his meals in the evening as I couldn’t think of any other way to practically support him. We all are trying to interact a bit more on the phone as he never has contact with other people. Apart from one lady who he sees once or twice per week - she’s a constant for the last 10 months.

He’s stopped his casual sex encounters and I think it’s because the std and other scare freaked him out.

He’s doom thinking is hard to listen to. Actually he’s right - life is damned hard, work hard for few pleasures, the poor get poorer while the rich get richer, this is the view of people in their 20’s living in the uk today. Debt ridden society. He thinks too deep. He feels lost and rationally questions what is THE point?

I can see his progression and I’m glad for it. I’m waiting patiently for him to find something in his life that will replace the skunk.

I sneakily said “you know, I don’t know why you don’t just sweep up xxxx and marry her”.  I refer to an old gf when he lived in a shed. She’s matured and got her life together, she’s so lovely and he openly admits he gets on with her really well, she’s fun and good to be around. She’s single and contacted him when she broke off her engagement. I know I’m trying to fix here and I must stop myself trying to match!

I’m ok, my life is a happy one and my art is fulfilling me. Taking better care of myself finally with whole foods and less alcohol. I’ve lost 20lbs and look forward to next 20. Getting my own life in order is all I can do to demonstrate a good and happy life to both my son’s.

Perspective helps. Maybe his life’s isn’t that bad - regardless, it’s his and not mine.

LP


This is where we are. 

[wendydarling]

Oh LP  

Wow   many congratulations to you on your weight loss, what an amazing personal triumph! I am so happy for you LP and hope you are feeling top of the world, you deserve. Count down going forwards, gently, majestically.   

It is hard to watch and it is hard to hear. The fact he comes and talks to you, to connect is a blessing, he is trying to work it out …. Life is hard, always has been for many, significantly more when we don’t take care of ourselves, is a fundamental lesson and skills our adult children need to learn.  I think it’s easy for our kids to become ‘stuck’ and with a helping hand, voice that things can get better.  Like your son my DD also needs time to rest from the noise, she’s also stood back from some friendships for good reasons, socialising with some people is hard as you well know and have shared here with us.

What are you making of the 2/3 week cycles? Is he aware?  Has your son shared he is feeling lonely? Is this tied up with his doom and gloom outlook?

How worried, concerned are you about his mental health right now? Shrunk aside, spelling probably shows how out of touch I am.   Skunk?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders