Officially brought the hammer down on exBPD, what should I expect.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello All,
If you have been following my post this year I talked about all the child alienation issues my exBPD engages in.  My son says everything under the sun about me "daddy's a bad guy" etc.  Since we share legal custody she has denied my right to have my son in play therapy.  Well now I officially brought a legal action against her because of all the emails, rude comments I'm getting from her. 
My L also advised coparenting counseling as well which I agreed to.  I know she is going to take this harshly, has anyone ever had to do this through the court system, I know coparenting counseling will be tough because of her lies. Any suggestions?

[worriedStepmom]

What does coparenting counseling look like in your state?  In mine, it's a 2-hour class that parents go to separately, and it's a joke.  Will you actually have to go see a therapist together?

What legal action are you taking?  Contempt of court for her disparaging you?  A court order for your son to go to therapy?

[Newyoungfather]

 A court order for my son into play therapy. Court order that on how many emails she can send me, no more rude text messages.  The fact of the matter is now she has to explain all of the nasty emails she has sent me to the courts.

[ForeverDad]

I noticed that my court looked at each incident individually and weighed it against the bar for being 'actionable' or not.  If not actionable, it was ignored.  In essence, a lot of little incidents did not make one big actionable one.  So make your case on more than individual incidents, emphasize her pattern of behavior, that it existed before, exists now and will continue unless the court steps in.  Maybe the court will see the pattern as more significant than the multitude of lesser conflicts.

Also, be sure there is nothing wrong in your actions, that you didn't egg her on by triggering her unnecessarily.  In general, once the divorce or separation is completed, communication should just be about parenting or any remaining financial matters.  Most here, including myself, have found that in-person conversations or phone calls are very likely to enable the ex to rant and rage but hard to get court to sit up and listen.  Texts and emails can more easily be documented so when the ex lets loose with disparagement, etc, you have a record.

Some parents have been told by the court to use Our Family Wizard or another similar email platform.  It is set up so the court and other professionals can view the parents' email history and determine whether there is any need to intervene.

My ex probably still has my email blocked ever since we separated at the end of Oct 2005.  Yes, that didn't help but none of the professionals cared one way or the other.  A few times a year I get text or phone rants when she's triggered but with son in high school now it's manageable.

Be well aware that court pays much more attention to poor parenting behaviors than to poor adult behaviors.  You're an adult, court figures you can handle it whereas courts show more concern how children are treated.  Review the incidents and determine if any reflect poor parenting behaviors and how you can document them to the court.  I recall when I was testifying in court I was permitted to consult my logs or journals to refresh my memory regarding the details.  Yes, I have over a decade of calendars or diaries.  Interestingly, I didn't have to share them with my ex or her lawyer, my notes were confidential.  Courts mostly ignore the "he said, she said" as bickering and hearsay unless you have documentation such as witnesses or details of the incidents, where, when, who witnessed, etc.  That's where logs, journals or diaries shine.  As I wrote, they're confidential but you can refer to them for your statements.

[PersistNeverless]

  Yes, I have over a decade of calendars or diaries.  Interestingly, I didn't have to share them with my ex or her lawyer, my notes were confidential.  Courts mostly ignore the "he said, she said" as bickering and hearsay unless you have documentation such as witnesses or details of the incidents, where, when, who witnessed, etc.  That's where logs, journals or diaries shine.  As I wrote, they're confidential but you can refer to them for your statements.

I would make an additional suggestion, that you address your journal/diary entries "To my Attorney" (even if you don't have one yet, it shows you wrote this in anticipation of litigation and it therefore can fall into an attorney work product exemption to discovery - in the event they make arguments that you should have to disclose them, this could add an extra layer of protection.

[livednlearned]

Court-ordered coparenting counseling didn't work in my situation.

Look closely at the forms you sign. In all likelihood, the counselor spends a good chunk of time in court testifying about her client's behaviors. Most coparenting counselors are trained in forensic psychology and they consider testifying to be part of the business model.

If you do it, get your friends and family, and maybe even your own counselor or someone who knows you well to ask for honest feedback about what kind of person you are. If you have qualities that a counselor is likely to find problematic, be prepared for those behaviors to get documented and shared.

We ended up with a parenting coordinator in our case, and she testified in my favor, but not for reasons I ever imagined. Her focus was on whether or not I used her services to solve petty problems, and did I remain calm when my ex was on the warpath. I imagine it's similar with a coparenting counselor. You think they are there to help you solve problems, but they are judging you both closely.  

It's a way to shine sunlight on the situation, which is great if you are able to demonstrate the kind of maturity they are looking for in high-conflict cases. You can't be even close to behaving in a high-conflict way because that's what they expect.

I would treat it like an extension of a custody evaluation, where you are inviting a third-party professional into your personal business so they can document it.

[Newyoungfather]

One of the best things that I have going for me is that we mainly communicate via email, which has all her rants and raves.  I'm always being accused of neglecting my son, but when I ask let's take him to a therapist, I don't get an answer back. Question, when all of her emails are brought up in court I assume that she's going to rage against me.

[ForeverDad]

Blowback is to be expected.  You're basically showing the court how poor her parenting or communication with you is.  Be prepared for her to do something with the goal to "make you look worse than her".  Odds are she will accuse you of worse things, typically either DV or child abuse.  Don't be surprised if that happens.