I think my mom has BPD and it’s driving me crazy

[Tillycat]

I’m new and someone told me to post thins in the group thread . I hope this is the right place. I’m 20 years old and am getting diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and it has been very hard to make getting tested for it happen
ith the fear of how my mom would react if I even uttered the word Autism . I had a feeling she knew because she said I’ve been trying to keep you normal and insisting I stop acting like that (refencing my autistic behaviors ) I have a autistic cousin and she makes fun of him calling him weird . I have good memories of my mother from when I was little like around five she would sing to me and read me stories and she always helped me with my homework through most of my schooling
She would scream,yell,cuss,argue with my dad and always usually brining up how he doesn’t give her enough move and she still does that now . As me and my younger sister got older though like when I was in middle school things got directed twards us as well. She gets very upset over the littlest things like she’s turned into a who other person and says the craziest meanest things . If our rooms aren’t clean it’s a good chance that she will yell and cuss at us calling us ungrateful bitches and dirty nasty pigs and how dare we do this to her. Sometimes she will throw clothes on us/ at us. She is so controlling and we must do exactly what she says when she says exactly how she because “she’s the mother.” She picked all my clothes out until most of high school . She rarely says she’s sorry and if she does she adds a but  like,I’m sorry I said those things but you pushed me over the edge . I’m sorry but you were disrespectful and wrong. Or I’m sorry you made me act that way.
The worst is being trapped in the car with her on a trip like once one small thing gets her upset hardly anything you say will make her shut up. My dad calls it going on a tangent . She will jump from topic to topic that had nothing to do with what what she was mad about in the first place. She has a spending problem and runs up credit cards at different department stores and she has bought me 100 dresses (I counted ) that I didn’t even want but didn’t want to argue with her about . She can’t except her faults and blames others .like who took my phone when she simply can’t find it . She can’t accept criticism and defending yourself or anyone else when she is angry is a bad idea . When my sister and I have confronted her she will tell my dad that he has pitted us against her which is totally not true. But of course my mom knows like 50 people who most say nice things about her but if they only knew what she is like behind clothes doors when it’s just our family. One of her friends said who could ever be mean to instert my moms name .
I find it hard to have a normal conversation with her so I try to be Carefull what I say and don’t talk to her as much anymore . She thinks any negative emotions or feelings are stupid . Like it’s stupid to cry, be anxious or whatever . Or she’ll say what do you have to be ——- about your very lucky after all we do for you . I am in college and because of my Autism fear of abandonment and bad expirences at the dorm I can’t imagine moving out . I am very emotionally sensitive and the thought of leaving my family makes me cry . I also hate change and have lots of anxiety . I talk with a therapist sometimes and My dad and I just started reading the essential family guide for BPD but it is so hard to do since my mom is always around . I drive and one day this summer I was really bored so I told my mom I was going somewhere in my car just in town and I didn’t know where but I just had to get out of the hose and she blocked me from leaving yelled at me and said when your all on your own then you can do whatever you want . This is after I had been stuck at home with just me and her for four days while she was obsessed with cleaning the entire house. She cares so much about appearances like if I don’t tweeze my eyebrows she will get upset and do them for me and if we wear jeans to church even thou everyone else does and fears being judged . She is so unpredictable!

[Kwamina]

Hi Tillycat

Well I'm glad you got encouraged to post here, welcome to our online community

I am sad though for the circumstances that have led you here. Your mother sounds very controlling. My own uBPD mother behaved similarly also not allowing me to go places and trying to control my every move (and thought).

You mention having had bad experiencing at the dorm, if you feel comfortable talking about it, could you tell us a bit more about what you experienced?

Having people to talk to can really help, did the therapist suspect your mom might have BPD?

Is blocking you from leaving something your mother has done more than once?

The Board Parrot

[Star0009]

Hi Tilly
I'm so sorry. Yr Mom sounds so similar to my Mom and is very abusive and toxic and I'm sure wants complete control over you. You are so young and I know what its like at that age with a Mom like that. It will get better. Learning she has BPD helped so much because I could make sense of her behavior and over time learn not to get so wrapped up in it personally. You don't have to leave your family but study up on BPD so you can learn how to handle her. I would distance yourself some if you can. She wants you enmeshed with her and to prob have no friends. Thats how my Mom always was and still is. She would love to dress me. Same thing about going to church with her... Learn to protect yourself and don't let her win. You don't have to leave your family but you are at a great point in your life to form new lifetime friendships and experiences. I suggest maybe trying that some and don't share it with her it will only make her bonkers. You can keep your family but start building a life of your own on the side. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You are in the right place though. There is also nothing wrong with being autistic. Brilliant people have been autistic. Don't let your Mom get the best of you.

[Tillycat]

Hi star 0009,
Thank you so much it’s great to know that I’m not alone and that other people have mothers like mine! Yes she is very controlling but not to the point that she doesn’t want me to have friends. She does have preferences and opinions though like I showed her pictures of people I met in a Christian club on campus and she was like they look weird like why aren’t they wearing any makeup they don’t seem to put any effort into looking attractive or they dress like a boy . I told my mom one that I had plans to eat breakfast on campus with a friend named Ashely and she replied who’s that again oh yeah the fat one . Or she would just call her that (not in front of her)and I’d be like mom that’s really mean she has a name her names Ashley ! Infact I just asked my mom if I could have two friends over on Friday one friend and his friend I haven’t met before and she said yes. Interesting twist my mom told me that my

[Tillycat]

Hi,Kwimna at the dorms I realy wanted to make friends as I didn’t have hardly any in high school. Right away I met some people in the same dorm who seemed very nice and friendly . Before I knew it I formed a friend group of me and three others . Little did I know, two of thors friends had major problems. One was Gay and had and had an abusive father who could have had BPD who knows . Another’s father she suspects killed her mother who was paralyzed from the waste down due to a car accident. By having her overdose on meds. He remarried shortly after and before school started he told her he was not her real father. I had a roommate who didn’t want to have the similar bedding because she thought it would be weird. And got into the room and already aranged everything in the room without talking to me . Her bed was near the window and mine was positioned where the door would hit it every time she opend it. She was a Netflix junkie and never used headphones for it often staying up till sometime s four in the morning to watch it . I asked her if she could use headphones once and she did but took them out wince she thought I was asleep. Which I wasn’t. So little niave,innocent me decided to have sleepovers in the gay girl’s room to get away from my roommate . She started controlling me after that pushing me go to all these gay events and I didn’t want to / didn’t know how to say no and didn’t want to lose a fridship . Like she would say you don’t have to go if you really don’t want to but she didn’t really mean that. It got to the point that I was only with her all the time . It wast until talking with my family during spring break that I finally realized that I can’t and shouldn’t hang on to her anymore . I didn’t realize how it looked for me to have sleepovers with her until my mom told me people are going to start thinking you are Gay. I just thought of it as having a sleepover with a friend. I transitioned home for the rest of the semester, my parents down the street and started to rely on the other friend who ended up having a mental breakdown causing her to freak out and say horrible untrue things about me and my family. My therapist actually recommended the stop walking on eggshells book to me after I was describing my mom to her and telling her I think she has BPD. I don’t think my Dr. believes me but that because he doesn’t know what it’s really like and doesn’t know a lot about personality disorders.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Tillycat

Thanks for answering my questions. I now see what you mean with the bad experiences at the dorm. Generally speaking I think when dealing with disordered or otherwise difficult individuals, it is very important for us to set and enforce/defend boundaries and to assert ourselves. We cannot control what the other person does, but we can work on our own behavior and how we respond to people. This is something many children of BPD parents posting on this board have struggled with though. Do you generally feel like you are comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries this with people?

I don’t think my Dr. believes me but that because he doesn’t know what it’s really like and doesn’t know a lot about personality disorders.

Are you talking about the Dr. here who is diagnosing you with autism spectrum disorder?

[Tillycat]

I am willing to try but my mom gets upset when people say no to her and don’t do what she wants . Thinking about doing it makes me anxious.  I feel like she’s the queen of hearts from Alice and wonderland . I also feel like my Autism could lead to another excuse for her to control me because when my younger sister told my mom that I don’t need permission to drive anywhere because I’m 20 and an adult , my mom replied Autistic kids don’t get to be treated like adults. I got diagnosed today by someone who I believe is a clinical psychologist saying I’m on the spectrum. The Dr. who I feel doesn’t really believe me about my mom is my primary Dr. and has been so since I was 2 and so he definitely knows my mom at least of the surface . I finally was able to tell him about my mom one day when when we when it was just me telling him about her behavior and how I think she has a personality dissorder called BPD (you know it’s not easy to talk about) . I had also told him that I think my dad is high functioning autistic as well giving him traits. The last Drs. Appointment made me super frustrated because when I brought it up again he said something like it’s up to you if you think your mom has an avoidant personality  or your dad has a neurotic personality . He also told me it sounds like I want to move out ( I really don’t want to move out; I have thought about it before but not seriously ) I then responded , no I don’t ,no I don’t . How could you say that ? It’s frusterating because he doesn’t realy understand how serious this is and I think he kind of views me as just an silly annoyed teenager who doesn’t get along with my parents . When we were talking about Autism my Dr. asked my dad things like was my mom near a lot of metal or drank alcohol when she was pregnant with me and this frustrated me too. I told my him that my cousin probably has it,now that I actually know what it is so it probably is a genetic thing and he said that there probably going to find out that it is that . But hey, at least he’s the reason I know about autism in the first place.

[Star0009]

Tillycat your doctor seems like a piece of work himself. I have found especially in my youth people who saw I could be easily abused did so. Your dr. seems to have treated you not so nice either. Its especially hard to find people that believe you when you speak out a BPD parent when they know them. My Mom would even physically abuse me and I would always get told "be nice to your mother" or "she has been thru so much" and I would get called an "evil daughter" when I was so shy and her controlling I barely spoke. Its great you have this insight and you need someone on your side to help navigate you. Sometimes even to find the right fit of a therapist it takes works but I would start looking for one because they would help lots. Even if its thru your school for now maybe.

[Kwamina]

Hi Tillycat

I am willing to try but my mom gets upset when people say no to her and don’t do what she wants . Thinking about doing it makes me anxious.

I understand why thinking of this could make you feel anxious considering your experiences with your mother and her controlling behavior. We have some resources about boundaries here that can help you as you deal with your mother:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Boundaries - Examples

When dealing with disordered family-members, setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is very important as boundaries help us protect ourselves and preserve our won well-being.

It's unfortunate that your experiences with your dr. leave you feeling frustrated. In your first post you also mention your therapist. Would it perhaps be possible for you to have more visits with your therapist and discuss the BPD situation with her instead of your dr.?

The Board Parrot