Heartsick again and again

[Red5]

In the heat of an argument, I once accused her of having BPD traits, so that cat's out of the bag.

I did the same thing... .and it flopped quite spectacularly !

At one point, she actually agreed to seek therapy (!)

My W absolutely refused... .dug in her heals, and said I was the crazy one... .maybe I am  

The times when my frustration at being isolated or frequently having to apologize for trivia has boiled over I have lashed out (verbally) and told her to cut this goddamned crap and stop acting like my jailer!  Then I am accused of being the "crazy" one by losing my temper. Yes, I have botched things up by doing that.

Me2... .seems right about the time, you think you got it figured out, using the tools... .the pw/BPD will suddenly change tactics on you, and will come right after you, and that's when it happens, the Non lashes out in utter frustration, yes Sir'... .I've done this too; countless times as well Blue Bayou.

I made another glaring mistake, years ago when I finally accepted that it was BPD/traits, of giving her the "Eggshells" book and other BPD info in the misguided hope that it would be a "lightbulb" moment for her.  
I recall myself going through the Eggshells workbook, and there were so many things that fit so precisely in the story of our lives, that I thought that maybe, just maybe, she would see herself in those pages. This backfired, of course.

No, I have not ever been that brave yet... .I tried something similar with my first wife, so I had learned that lesson the "hard knox" way already ie' don't ever do that!

Please understand that she has many good qualities, she is a hard worker and can be so sweet to me, it's like I'm in Heaven when she shows that side. This reels me back in,

I understand this to be "intermittent positive reward", we Non's are absolutely addicted to this!... .I call it the recycle.

I feel guilty for feeling so frustrated, but then the monster comes out again and I'm back in Hell.  One time I was in Hell for over 2 years, trying to work a rather stressful day job & coming home to more stress, as well as (at the time) being a caregiver to my 90 yr. old Mom.  I needed outpatient therapy just to cope.  
BB

You've certainly been through quite a lot Bleu Bayou, .and I will say it again, I admire your indomitable courage and your strength!

I started seeing a therapist (T) again just last week, it had been sixteen years since I'd darkened the door of a T's office... .I am going to stick with it too.

I am fifty two now, and like you wrote above, I feel "time is running out"... .I really do not want to be so categorically unhappy over the coming years, I actually felt that I'd done my time with my first wife, I was due for a break... .and that the next time, if it happened again, it be would be quite different... .I thought I was "street smart"... .I thought I knew a thing or two... .I thought "finally";... .I have found a good mate, a best friend, a "soul mate"... ... .not so,

Keep posting Blue Bayou!

Kind Regards, Red5

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blue Bayou]

Hi Red5 & others, I had once been on the "Welcome To Oz" (BPD issues) msg. board on Yahoo Groups years ago but I think it evaporated. I have learned that so many of us read things in people's posts that seem like other persons are living our exact circumstances.  That makes it seem less lonely.
I had also been on an affair recovery forum.  Seems like I'm the one wrapped up in all this while the other person just trips along doing their thing.

I think I'm going to just sit this one out with her, be cordial but detached and hope my patience holds out so I don't dare complain about anything. Anything else is just too much work and goes down a rathole.  Maybe she'll start re-engaging with me soon & drop the negative energy... .I'll know when crumbs of affection start to trickle back in.
BB

[Radcliff]

PTSD is rough, but it doesn't have to be a forever thing.  Do you want to heal from the wounds of her infidelity, so it is not causing you as much pain?

RC

[Blue Bayou]

I had been in therapy for the PTSD and have read up much on it. It really causes pain when I have nightmares about her cheating and whoring around town. I can't control my dreams too well... .

She didn't make a clean break with me when she temporarily moved out, but kept me on a string, even coming to my house to give me a "pity f@ck" once in awhile. Once even brought one of her new buddies to my house when she needed to talk me into keeping some dogs that she wasn't able to have in her new apartment. I hate myself for allowing myself to be treated like that! It's like I was under a spell or something.

Sad part is that this is ancient history that resurfaces frequently, like when I run into the ass that used to be my friend.  She told me all about his premature ejaculation problem and how she was "helping" him with that, by whipping out a pack of rubbers to show me, and helping him work on her clitoris!  Oh, there are plenty more disgusting intimate details she told me, which run around in my head.

There is resentment attached to all this on my part.  She is resentful as well, of the times I have stood up and told her to can this goddamn crap and wake up to her BP traits which are driving me crazy... .

She projects a lot, accusing me of the very type of things she did, like once telling me "I don't trust you!" YAH, right! I've never cheated on her.
BB

[Radcliff]

Those details are horrible, I am sorry that you experienced that treatment.

How frequently do you have nightmares on this issue?  When was the most recent one?

Have you tried EMDR for the PTSD?

WW

[Blue Bayou]

EMDR with 2 different therapists did not help unfortunately; I read Francine Shapiro's book. The nightmares are sporadic, sometimes happen after a trigger, sometimes out of the blue.
Right now I'm back on the "pink cloud", as her mood shifted back to being nice. It's just a matter of time before it hits the BPD fan again. Just bracing myself... .
But I'm so used to the roller coaster ride I've been on for so long. Thanks for your concern!
BB

[Radcliff]

You've been through many, many cycles.  If you want things to improve you're going to need to do something different.  When things are calm, that is the time to make progress.  Are you willing to consider some changes in your approach to things?  If so, describe to us how things are going now, and one or two things about the situation that you wish were better.