A letter to my ex-sending it here

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I’m starting to feel like myself more and more as each day passes. I have never known that such a level of frustration exists. The unfairness of it all, I wish I could take it all away from you. Believe me, I would if it were possible. Of course, every couple will argue, that’s a given, but I often felt that you were pushing me away, now I know you were. I never started the day by wanting an argument, much less a horrible breakup and those breakups have been repeatedly damaging my emotional state, only to be further damaged when we would get back together just for it to all happen over again. This final time, I think my feelings were hurt way more than usual. The way you admittedly withheld affection as punishment for breaking up with you previously, when you would initiate the breakup anyway. When you said “you’re crazy” because I felt like you were talking to someone else. You reacted in a way that fed my suspicion even further without trying to put my mind at ease. As many times as you have mistrusted me, I always reassured you, time and time again. The worst part of that is that you still think that withholding affection was warranted on your part. Just imagine if I tried to pay you back for all of the times you made me feel like nothing? How many times did you say that our relationship was nothing? You even broke up with me this final time so “I could know what it feels like”, only to turn around and place blame onto me because you claim that you were “the only one trying to save this relationship”. The only reason I ever gave up was because you repeatedly pushed me past my breaking point with your actions and behavior. Your verbal abuse. Your passive aggressive behavior. Your accusations.Your constant need for validation and attention. Your insecurity. Your constant drinking. I was always talking you off of a ledge, so to speak, about a thousand different things, every week, every month, sometimes every day, sometimes several times a day. You didn’t seem to understand that my job as a funeral director is extremely emotionally taxing. I never had the chance to process those emotions in the midst of talking you through problem after problem. It’s a huge reason why I kept losing my patience with you. I was constantly walking on eggshells, praying that you wouldn’t be set off, to no avail. I felt like there was never room for my concerns. I told you that all I ever did was to try and help you. Your reply? “nah... ” The way you lied about drinking and never seemed to feel bad about lying. The way you always say that you won’t be around much longer. The way you can freely talk about exes when I couldn’t. You always say you’re trying, but your actions differ. You know that drinking makes your episodes way worse than they need to be. You won’t go to a therapist. I feel that if our relationship was worth saving, you would have put forth a little more effort than buying mood health pills from over the counter. Of course, there were times, many times, where we felt like the only 2 people on earth. God, I wish it could be like that again, but I know it can’t. That’s what is so hard for me. Only time can heal this nightmare.

[Cease and Desist]

I’m starting to feel like myself more and more as each day passes. I have never known that such a level of frustration exists. The unfairness of it all, I wish I could take it all away from you. Believe me, I would if it were possible. Of course, every couple will argue, that’s a given, but I often felt that you were pushing me away, now I know you were. I never started the day by wanting an argument, much less a horrible breakup and those breakups have been repeatedly damaging my emotional state, only to be further damaged when we would get back together just for it to all happen over again. This final time, I think my feelings were hurt way more than usual. The way you admittedly withheld affection as punishment for breaking up with you previously, when you would initiate the breakup anyway. When you said “you’re crazy” because I felt like you were talking to someone else. You reacted in a way that fed my suspicion even further without trying to put my mind at ease. As many times as you have mistrusted me, I always reassured you, time and time again. The worst part of that is that you still think that withholding affection was warranted on your part. Just imagine if I tried to pay you back for all of the times you made me feel like nothing? How many times did you say that our relationship was nothing? You even broke up with me this final time so “I could know what it feels like”, only to turn around and place blame onto me because you claim that you were “the only one trying to save this relationship”. The only reason I ever gave up was because you repeatedly pushed me past my breaking point with your actions and behavior. Your verbal abuse. Your passive aggressive behavior. Your accusations.Your constant need for validation and attention. Your insecurity. Your constant drinking. I was always talking you off of a ledge, so to speak, about a thousand different things, every week, every month, sometimes every day, sometimes several times a day. You didn’t seem to understand that my job as a funeral director is extremely emotionally taxing. I never had the chance to process those emotions in the midst of talking you through problem after problem. It’s a huge reason why I kept losing my patience with you. I was constantly walking on eggshells, praying that you wouldn’t be set off, to no avail. I felt like there was never room for my concerns. I told you that all I ever did was to try and help you. Your reply? “nah... ” The way you lied about drinking and never seemed to feel bad about lying. The way you always say that you won’t be around much longer. The way you can freely talk about exes when I couldn’t. You always say you’re trying, but your actions differ. You know that drinking makes your episodes way worse than they need to be. You won’t go to a therapist. I feel that if our relationship was worth saving, you would have put forth a little more effort than buying mood health pills from over the counter. Of course, there were times, many times, where we felt like the only 2 people on earth. God, I wish it could be like that again, but I know it can’t. That’s what is so hard for me. Only time can heal this nightmare.

[spero]

Hello there C&D,

Thanks for sharing this very personal letter. I can hear your disappointment, frustration, anger... .perhaps that sense of tiredness and weariness from just reading this post of yours.   Here is a big hug to you. How are you feeling now?, I haven't had the chance to send you my greetings, so  . I hope spending time around this community has been helpful to you. Let us know how you're doing right now ya?

Yours,
Spero

[Cease and Desist]

Thank you, Spero.

I’m definitely doing better since the breakup happened. My mind has slowed down considerably. I just wanted to drop that letter here to get it off of my chest, because it would only cause more pain to her. I’m letting go of the anger, it’s the frustration and disappointment I’m having such a hard time dealing with. You all have helped me tremendously by reading posts and knowing that there is support for those in my situation. For that, I am very grateful.

[spero]

Hi there, C&D

Glad to know that you are doing better since the breakup. How long has it been already? I'm glad to hear that the space has given you time to slow down. I do hope you feel a little less heavy having gotten that off your chest. I'm sure most of us enter into relationships not wanting it to fail, it carries for us hopes, dreams ... and a future with someone. Its okay to feel this way, and its okay to feel these emotions and let them pass through, though it varies for each person. I'm glad your stay here has been helpful reading how others have gone through and shared their situations. Where would you think you're headed to from this juncture?

Yours,
Spero

[Mutt]

Hi Cease and Desist,

I just wanted to drop that letter here to get it off of my chest, because it would only cause more pain to her.

I think that you made a wise choice by directing your message here instead of sending it to your ex, you mentioned pain to her how would you feel if you sent her this letter? How would you feel to her reaction? I read your letter and I can relate with what you are going through - you're not alone.

We weren't taught skills that professionals have when they deal with a pwBPD and they may see a pwBPD client for several hours a week we had to be around it 24/7/365 with no help.

[Cease and Desist]

Thank you so much, again.
The breakup happened on August 6. Where am I headed from this juncture? Healing and moving forward! I want a happy and healthy relationship like anyone else, but it’s going to take some time for me to be ready. I’m learning how to be comfortable by myself. It may be a cliche, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is life’s way of making me a stronger person somehow.

[Cease and Desist]

Thank you, Mutt.

I honestly think that if I sent that to her, I would be more frustrated than I already am by what she may reply. I’m out of the vicious cycle and I plan to stay that way. I never even knew what I was dealing with until the final breakup when I researched her condition, then all of the pieces started to come together, somewhat. My heart goes out to anyone that has gone through a similar experience, it’s by far the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with, mentally and emotionally.

[Mutt]

I have to agree with you that it is one of the most difficult things in life but there is a plethora of life lessons that can be learned from BPD. It’s not all for naught.

[eeps]

Cease and Desist, i recognize so much of the pain, frustration, and exhaustion in your letter. i'm in a similar boat right now, the break-up is fresh and detaching is so hard. i share your hope that healing ourselves from these experiences will make us stronger!

[Cease and Desist]

Thank you, eeps.
I honestly hate that anyone suffers through these feelings. It’s seriously scary how similar the stories can be about people in our situation. It’s definitely going to take some time to heal, but I will never give up on my own mental health, happiness, or future. We are obviously strong people to begin with!

[Cromwell]

Hi and Welcome Cease and Desist

Your letter could have been a carbon copy of so many that I wrote, but knew I couldnt hand over.

I hope it helped to express this way and that youve found a place to relate to what you wrote, at the time, they were just my own, then the fire lighters. It did help though.

Very strong to have coped and combine juggling an emotionally demanding job alongside the r/s. Time and space were healing for me, I hope you find space now that you had not before to rest and recover from what you have been through.

[Cease and Desist]

Hello, Cromwell and thank you so much for the response. I can honestly feel myself coming back day after day. Of course, it’s going to take some time to get back to “normal”, but I will never forget what I’ve been through. I’m also thinking that my job has somewhat conditioned me, being surrounded by death and grief every day, but on the other hand, coupled with dealing with a partner with BPD, makes it even more painful to deal with, if that makes any sense.

[Cromwell]

Hello, Cromwell and thank you so much for the response. I can honestly feel myself coming back day after day. Of course, it’s going to take some time to get back to “normal”, but I will never forget what I’ve been through. I’m also thinking that my job has somewhat conditioned me, being surrounded by death and grief every day, but on the other hand, coupled with dealing with a partner with BPD, makes it even more painful to deal with, if that makes any sense.

I like it how you put normal in quotations.

i never felt like it at the time you are going through now, but I never did go back to normal, this really has changed me; for the better. Its looking forward with hope and when you overcome this, I think its hard to argue that nothing has been gained at least in the form of mental resilience to pressure. I find a lot of stuff I encounter now as walk in the park relationships, its been a lot of hurt to overcome but im not the same person that she met, quite a huge change and thats in my mid30s and having gone through a lot of stuff in life before.

To try and relate with you, relationships like this are moribund in nature themselves, sure you can hang around in them, but id equate it to soul-lessness in doing so. The first 2 months out of a years recovery were by far the most challenging, its one of these life experiences where the worst is pre-loaded and can feel fatalistic and insurmountable. I guess that was part of the reason I was easy to go back to her within short space of breaking up. Once you push through this it gets easier.