Destroyed after relationship with my ex plus she's not leaving me alone.

[Giam]

Hi everyone.
I'm A and I've just got out from a relationship with a BPD.

Before this relationship I was living alone feeling great overall, was really socially active, had my little one man business and had a good relationship with my family (seeing them once every week and stuff). Before the relationship I've never felt paranoia or any psychological problem, I used to meditate and read about psychology but never felt bad in anyway except for some depression in some rare occasions (nothing big, just the "I'm not feeling I want to work today" kind of depression).

The relationship started in a pushed way in the sense that at the beginning I didn't want to be with her, I was feeling good alone and wasn't looking for any serious relationship.(I was 20 years old). This  is how it started: we were sleeping togheter sometimes and she asked me to be togheter. I didn't wanted to, so we decided to stop sleeping togheter, until a couple weeks later she told me she was pregnant. That was a big hot but considering the situation I decided that the best way to go through this was with abortion. So I decided to stay close to her since I knew abortion may be soft on the male but really hard for the female carrying the body. In that period she was always asking me to sleep togheter so I did it. She told me she couldn't get pregnant in that period just after the abortion. We did it then I stopped meeting her. She started stalking and threatening me(I've kept the thing a secret to my family so she started threatening to ruin my family). After a month she wrote me an email saying she was pregnant again, at first I didn't believe her until she showed me the papers. I was crashed and this time I told her to do whatever she wants and that my decision was to not raise the child in case she decided to keep it. She decided to abort(just a point here, she was 25 not 20 like me) so I decided to get back to her and stay with her for some time. In the same period my little business was going really bad and I had to free the apartment and find a new one. She took an apartment and offered me to join her for some time, so I did even if I wasn't staying there everyday. In all this the relationship was going up and down all the time going from extreme moments of happiness and carrying to moments of extreme anger and disapproval, many times she got me out of the apartment in midnight in winter and I had to call for friends to help me. At this point I've never heard of BPD.

I didn't want to stay with her from the start but I've always wanted to help her and when she was pushing me in her extreme ways I would leave and then start feeling bad for her until she starts asking for me to come back and I will come back to her. This push and pull kept going for a while until I started some researches on the internet and found BPD. And then I've started realizing many things. So I decided to help her to get through it, little I knew about what I was going through. All my efforts were thrown away and the situation just got worse.

After a while I realized she wasn't going to leave me alone ( when I run from her she threatens me and when I get back she pushes me and makes my life worse and worse). So I decided to stay with her and make her stop loving me by being a bad version of me( stop training washing myself, cleaning the place and so on). One of the worst thing ever. After a while I forgot what I was doing and the relationship kept going with the only difference of me being worse. I didn't realize I didn't meet some of my closest friends for months.

One day a friend of mine that I used to see at least once a week wrote me saying that he missed me and that we didn't saw each other for months and if I was okay, that day I realized what the hell was happening to me.
I left her and run away. Obviously she threatened me and atuff with her life, my family and more. I became a lonely person, I'm really paranoid now, schizophrenic as well I think and overall I think I have many symptoms of BPD stuff that I've never had before.
I met her again and I realized that she can make me feel good so I met her other few times after that.

I'm desperate, I feel I've lost my life and control over my self. I don't feel happy like I've used to I'm depressed 50% of the time and I'm scared of people. I dream of plots against me where even my family is involved.

I'm trying to take control of my life back, training is helping a lot but it's not enough. It's really hard and sometimes after a couple good days everything breaks apart again and I feel lost again.

Please if there's anyone else that got through something similar please share your point of view.
And thank you so much for this website and for giving me the chance to seek for help online.

If I will get through this I want to help others to regain control of their lives as well, helping her was a bad idea but helping non-BPDs is possible and not so harmful.

Thank you for reading all of this and have a great day!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Giam 

Welcome to the site.  I'm so sorry to hear about how difficult things are for you right now.  You're having a tough time indeed and having a support network in place is really valuable so I'm glad that you reached out to us.  We can help. 

Many members can relate to the fast paced and forced nature of this type of relationship and the push/pull you describe.  This alone can leave your head spinning.  How long ago did you break up and what interactions are you having with her since then?

You mention depression and a concern for your mental health overall. You're not alone there.  It's common to fall into depression after these relationships and it's positive that you recognise the symptoms. Who else are you opening up to about how you're feeling?  Have you seen your doctor to discuss your concerns?  Having the self awareness to acknowledge what is going on for you is commendable and gives you the opportunity to get help sooner rather than later.

Your doctor may be able to help you receive counselling which can be really helpful and if you have a worry about a possible diagnosis it could put your mind at rest to be assessed.  This is something I did and I felt a huge weight lift.  I now take medication for a depressive disorder which helps me enormously and am in therapy which I can't recommend enough.  How do you feel towards your ex at present? What emotions come up for you most often?

Keep posting and join other discussions.  The benefit of community support is enormous.  It's great that you found us 

Love and light x