I subconsciously try to "talk members into" experiencing the world "how I see it".

[formflier]

As you and others know here... .I "spend a lot of time" in my head and not enough time "in my heart" when posting... and honestly in life as well.  I'm an ESTJ (for those of you into that thing)... .and it's a "solid" rating when I take the test... .not a tweener.

Think first... .feel later.  So when I come across people, such as yourself where "feeling" is a much higher part of their life, I unconsciously try to "talk them into" experiencing the world "how I see it".  

So... .go back to talk of "entanglements" and how I thoughtfully tried to talk you through "pruning", yet I have to imagine as you "thought" about that... ."your heart" played a much bigger role than it would in my life.

And... that's ok.  

I'm concerned about you and I've been struggling to find advice that might move you forward, so I've been spending lots of time thinking about what it's like to be Juju2.  Imagining how you experience the world... and what makes you smile.  Then... .I would advise you to do more of that... .put the best parts of Juju2 forward... .and let the rest kinda fall into place on their own.  

So... .here's what I've come up with.

Kindness and consideration.  

I've "met" lots of people on these boards and I struggle to imagine someone that is so kind and considerate of others... .so giving.

And... .obviously... .you're in a bit of a funk at the moment... .so rather than "think" your way out... .can we double down on the best of Juju2 and see where that takes us.  No roadmap... .just see where a "double helping" of kindness to others (perhaps even strangers) takes you in life.

Of course FF has "thought" this through... .

1.  Go to the park/beach/boardwalk and be intentional about greeting and saying something meaningful and kind to at least 5 strangers.  If someone wants to talk... listen...

2.  Make an extra effort to go through the drive-through a few extra times this week... keep an eye out for the people behind you.  When you see a face behind you that seems to be having a bad day... .pay for their meal and wave at them as you wish them a good day.

3.  Think about someone you know, but haven't talked to in a few months.  Write them a letter of encouragement... just to say hey.  Stamp it and send it.  Yep... real letter... none of this texting and email stuff.


Blessings to you Juju2... .when you "pour" good karma into the world... .I'm certain that some will come back and bless you.



Best

FF

[juju2]

That makes a lot of sense now that you share
your myers briggs!

am INFP.  

the thing that helps me the most is being in service, like what you shared!

am doing more of that, perhaps your energy has spoken to my being.

Thank you ff.   Thank you everyone.

the part that i have surrendered, am surrendering,
is that my life is chaos, am in a strange place, and i am not comfortable.   My Higher Power has put me in this space for a reason, and my job is to put one foot in front of the other.   am being dealt w regarding my lack of faith.  am being dealt w.

i dont know.   and its a big, wide, huge, place.

[formflier]

It makes sense that you are an INFP.  I had made some guesses and that one was up there.  My wife is INFP

You feel and perceive  so... .my "reasoning" for pushing you towards lots of overt kindness is that there will be many smiling faces looking back at you.  I hope that many will express how thankful they are with some words.

Perhaps you can reflect and dream a bit about the impact you had on these people and dream a bit about those you can impact tomorrow.

Hey Juju2... .I like the metaphor about "just one step"... .just "one foot in front of the other".  Breaking life down into smaller pieces.  Metaphors are wonderful things to help simplify the complex.

Boldly... .I'm going to rely on the strength of our relationship and suggest an alternate course... .for the next week or so.  And there will be some questions in here that only you can say if they ring true or not.  Please forgive me for asking... .I know you don't want to answer questions, but these questions aren't about "details"... .it's about bigger picture stuff.  It's about whether or not you are using the right metaphor.

What if you aren't supposed to be walking right now?  How sure are you that your higher power wants you putting one foot in front of the other?

What if... .   

Here is the thing Juju2... .when it's time to "stop and smell the roses"... .your feet are still.  When it's time to "be still and know that I am God"... .well... "being still" is a big part of that.

What if... .what if you are taking steps in the wrong direction?

I can't tell you what to feel.  I'm hoping you can take time to sit with your feelings.  Do some of your random acts of kindness... .and then sit with your warm coffee and look at the world.  You'll see the chaos... .the strangeness and that side of things.

You'll also see the smiling faces... .the beauty... .the hope.

Somewhere in all of this ... .spend some time with your dreams.  Perhaps there is a dream that is faded... .one that you need to grieve... .perhaps there is a dream that is rising... .one that needs some extra hope.

Whenever you feel like it... .it would mean a lot to me to hear about those dreams... .hear about those smiling faces... .

Best.

FF

[juju2]

Ii know your heart is in the right place... .

I guess those personality tests are right on, you and i have no traits in common.

I find myself irritated at this board sometimes.
Well meaning community members, advice is not being asked of you... .

Its as though a person isnt heard.
In the meetings i go to, if someone is given advice, its called cross-talk, its something we do not do.
The only thing i am here to do is share My Experience.  My strength.  My hope.  I have to have THAT experience to even begin to share... .i have nothing to offer, if i have no experience.

I dont want to make someone feel worse.

Its not helpful to me, in a moment of need and reaching out, to get what is essentially cross talk.

Its a learned behaviour and i need to be careful to ask what it is i am searching for.

It took me a long time to learn about specific communication skills, and what is my intention by sharing.

[formflier]

ask what it is i am searching for.
 

I'd appreciate it if you would ask what it is you are searching for... as specifically as you can.

FF

[juju2]

Basically, just i get it, its ok, maybe tomorrow will be better.
In this thread, it seems i am becoming aware.
this board requires that i look at where people are, as much as i can, and sometimes the best thing is to say, it will be o.k.
you will work thru it. 

We help eachother here.
  {When i have a bad day, sometimes, the next day will be better.}(pretty much everyone here at one time or another)

we belong to a group that has something in common.

All of our experiences are different.

[juju2]

Its ok.

You will work thru it.

[formflier]

Basically, just i get it, its ok, maybe tomorrow will be better.
 

So... .that's what you want to hear from me and others... .and then you will feel supported by this board?

Something like... .

Juju2

I get it you are having an off day... .it's ok... .maybe tomorrow will be better.

FF

[juju2]

Yes.

And if i am open for something else, i will ask for that.

[formflier]

Yes.

And if i am open for something else, i will ask for that.

 

Looking forward with you to a better tomorrow!

FF

[juju2]

Thank you ff.

the other thing that happens in meetings, is we allow people to experience a ha moment.

One lady kept giving money to son on drugs.
Son kept being on those drugs.
It took her one whole year to have that a ha moment.

It was priceless... .she thanked the group for allowing her to figure it out!  She became strong, she understood.    No one likes someone to say,
"you shouldnt be doing x,y,z.   You should stop that and do a,b,c.  " Its demeaning.

We are about helping others here, and it is hard for me to just say, you will find your path.
I want to say, stop doing x, do y.

The closest i get to that is share books i have read.

I am not here to fix or change this community.
I am sharing my truth, what works for me.

Thank you for listening,
J

[formflier]

  No one likes someone to say,
"you shouldnt be doing x,y,z.   You should stop that and do a,b,c.  " Its demeaning.

I like it.  I also appreciate it. 

For instance... .my thread on healthy family finances.  Any reading of that thread shows me to be in the "minority" of those that believe my current "method" of managing finances is appropriate.  The arguments and suggesting help me to sharpen my reasons for doing what I do and in some cases help me choose an alternate path.

Never once have I felt demeaned on these boards even when I've had senior members tell me unequivocally "you are going the wrong way" and "you are the one causing your own distress" (and variations on that message.

I get it that you like the "culture" of the meetings you go to.  I'm glad you have a place of support and I hope that support is effective in your life.


https://bpdfamily.com/about

Members challenge each other to live a more rewarding life in the shadow of a loved one exhibiting traits of mental illness.

Juju2

I would encourage you to read the entire mission statement.  I've quoted what I think is most important.

Yes... .there is lots of talk on there about support... and I'm behind that part of our mission all the way.

Many of us "nons" have developed really really bad relationship habits over the years.  Showing up here to be "challenged" on those is a big part of our becoming better relationship partners.

It concerns me that you have been in a spot for a while where "being challenged" about your role (I'm not suggesting you are 100% "at fault") is off the table.  That seems to me to leave the outcome of your life up to the decision making of a disordered person (your pwBPD)... .I know of NO stories whatsoever where that has turned out well

I hope you can get yourself back to a place of self reflection and make changes in how YOU approach the world... .let other people sort themselves out.

FF

[juju2]

All true.  Everything.

I have gotten to a place where ... .sort himself out... .

just havent shared so much here.

Have not been up to sharing a lot of details.
And i do not want questions, assumptions, anything.  (why is one of the worst... .do not hear that very much here.)


Am trying to take why out of my vocabulary.

I believe am at a healthy place, progress, because have wanted to share this that was written in the last two days.  I got a lot from my break fm here.

Its my issue, and have to be clear, what i am looking for, what i am not looking for.    Its a boundary.  And one of them is that it isnt safe ---for me ---to share most details, my boundary. 

At the meetings, no one's life is up for discussion, and nothing they say in the meeting is to be repeated.
Please read this as my truth, now.  all it is is what works for me, and nothing more... .

I came here very broken and you guys were my life support.  Am getting healthier in large part due to this community. 

just want to be accepted for where i am today.
Tomorrow is a whole new deal.   Who knows.!

With gratitude,

j

[formflier]

  Am getting healthier in large part due to this community. 
 

I'm very glad for this, yet it's all the more perplexing that you appear to be backing away from what has worked well for you.

Can you help us (me) out with that... .something doesn't connect.

FF

[juju2]

No one knows, except my Higher Power what my path is, or should be.

its my job to listen, for that still quiet voice.
Wait, pause, listen.

Its my job to turn my life and my will over to My Higher Power, as i understand him.

With gratitude, j

[juju2]

F,

Am in a place of powerlessness.   A place of waiting, listening to God.

Detachment, finding the way, waiting, pausing.
its simple, and it is not easy.

[juju2]

Ff
Your last share, you asked to understand how come am backing off "what worked well" for you.

Do you see that it's your opinion thst "it worked well for you"

that is all it is.    Your view.   Its not the truth... .

I am not trying to find a gimmick, a skill, that will work.

Its my life at stake.    the only source I have for help is my Higher Power, as i understand him.

In no way am I wanting to criticise your share.

Most sincerely, j

[formflier]

Do you see that it's your opinion thst "it worked well for you"

I do see this.  We agree.

that is all it is.    Your view.   Its not the truth... .

We have the same understanding.


How can I (we on this board) best support you today?

Would it be helpful to share how I formed the opinion I shared?

FF
 

[toomanydogs]

Interesting thread here on many levels.

I agree with juju2 of the importance of arriving at 'ah-ha' moments. If there's one thing a relationship with a BPD can do is push you to 'ah-ha' moments. A little bit like being pushed off a cliff. Pretty darn painful. But if you survive it, you've got an ah-ha moment.

And forgive me if I'm coming across as flip. I'm not meaning to. This is my normal voice when I'm not sinking under the weight of divorcing a BPD.

I also think it's interesting that Juju2 is an INFP. I'm an ENFP. And FF, you're an ESTJ? Makes sense.

Have a good Saturday, both of you. And Juju2, I'm going to go back and get more of your story,
TMD

[formflier]

eaning to. This is my normal voice when I'm not sinking under the weight of divorcing a BPD.

I also think it's interesting that Juju2 is an INFP. I'm an ENFP. And FF, you're an ESTJ? Makes sense.

 

TMD

I don't think I knew that about you or that we had discussed this before.  Makes sense to me too.  I totally get your spirit there on your land with all the critters.

I've often thought it would be neat to sit on your porch with you, look at your land and critters and get to know what TMD is all about.

The real interesting part would come when I inevitably would talk about the benefits of more "structure" on your land, farm and critters... with the associated bajillion reasons why (fill in the blank) would be better.

That would be fun... .

I think I might start a "community building" thread about personality types.  Perhaps we get to know each other better.


FF

[juju2]

Great intentions everyone!

I look at this site as an emergency room.


We do the most needed things.

People cannot live in an e.r.

Eventually, they have to leave the e.r.
theoretically.

[toomanydogs]

I think I might start a "community building" thread about personality types.  Perhaps we get to know each other better.


FF

I love that idea of a "community building" thread. The 'E' in ENFP is a bit misleading because I've gotten older, I've moved closer to an 'I,' but the extrovert in me is just a touch stronger: Maybe 55/45? Because I'm a writer I need that time alone.

I would love to sit and watch my animals with you and pick your brain on how to do it better.

First thing I'd ask is how to throw hay without it blowing back into my hair. Everyone from my Pilates instructor to the housekeeper here pulls hay out of my hair.

I tell them that it's my way of throwing glitter in my hair. 
TMD

[BeagleGirl]

Great intentions everyone!

I look at this site as an emergency room.


We do the most needed things.

People cannot live in an e.r.

Eventually, they have to leave the e.r.
theoretically.

Interesting viewpoint Juju.  I look at this site more as a university (probably makes sense based on my ENFP personality).  I came here to acquire knowledge and learn from others doing "research" in similar fields.  I agree that not everyone will stick around, but there will be those who go for advanced degrees and eventually join the faculty. 

It does help me to understand how you are viewing this site.  What would you say are the primary purposes of the E.R.?  When I think E.R. I think of a place that deals with immediate pain and trauma with the goal of getting someone stable enough to move on to addressing underlying cause.  Is that how you view the role of this site in your life?

BG

[toomanydogs]

Interesting viewpoint Juju.  I look at this site more as a university (probably makes sense based on my ENFP personality).  I came here to acquire knowledge and learn from others doing "research" in similar fields.  I agree that not everyone will stick around, but there will be those who go for advanced degrees and eventually join the faculty. 



BG

Hi BG,
  I won't hijack the thread, but it's cool to meet another ENFP. I like the analogy of the forum being a university.
TMD

[juju2]

Hi,

Its an e.r. for someone in crisis, no where else to turn, no one understands except those who are dealing with the family disease of borderline personality disorder... .
Most people, even when they find out it is a serious mental illness, those people who are involved in some way, family or friend, cannot deal with it, or at the very least, have times when they cannot deal. 

The people who can emotionally be strong, the families, all of us, we give a lifeline to those at the effect of the family disease of personality disorder... .I believe it becomes a family disease... .

bless each one here,
j

[AskingWhy]

FF, I am late to this party, but your OP was a great suggestion to those in RS with a pwBPD.

I agree that when one is suffering, the one of the best ways to cope is to reach out and make the world a better place. Smile at a stranger and make a sincere compliment.  Let a person with only a handful of items at the grocer go ahead of you in line.  Adopt a pet from a shelter and give him a lifelong home.  Visit an elderly person who may not have close relatives (or none at all) and spend quality time with them; offer to take them out to lunch or run an errand for them.

The world can be helped in small ways.  My righteous anger at my uBPD/uNPD H (and at myself for being in the RS) will never take away from my desire to make the world a better place.

And, yes, this site is a safe harbor to exchange thoughts and ideas--to give and get compassion and support.