nuclear meltdown-ultimatums, over loaded

[bluek9]

Hi everyone,

   bluek9 here to follow up on the life slide that ran over me two weeks ago. It's only been two weeks, it feels like eons. I took last Saturday off so I could have 3 days to unwind. Wow, no was my D going to allow that. Every day since I had to move my mother in to my house, my BPD D has been in my face catastrophizing her feelings. She has been bullying, belittling, demanding, using guilt, you name it she has used everything. She has quit counseling. She came to me on Saturday night after I had gone to bed, woke me to give me her ultimatum; either my mom could go or both of us could go, but she wasn't going to have the situation any more.
 
   REALLY! I'm s tired I don't know if I'm coming or going. Dealing with my elderly mom and her needs, working, dealing with my BPD D, my grandson, people I'm so tired I don't know why my eyes are even open. On top of everything else my brother has decided to clean out my moms checking account and move his new girl friend into my moms house.

   well when I woke up the next morning that was it, I had had enough and everybody was going to know about it. I had already chewed out my brother, made up my mind that if anybody was going to leave it was going to be my D. I had my mom in the kitchen ready to tell her what I was going to do to my brother (kick him out of her house) and had my D there to tell her my decision on her ultimatum. I told her she was being selfish and how dare she give me her parent such an ultimatum after I have spent my life taking care of her. I told her I don't like being backed into the corner and told to choose between my mom and her. Wow what a nuclear meltdown ensued!    All she could say was how worried she is about me, and that if I kept on I'd get sick-run down-stressed or worse... .and then who would take care of her? I just started crying, my mom was crying, then my D started crying. All I could say was if you're worried about me why don't you help me? I said I can't live in your world right now for a while, I need you to understand my position. Normal people don't just leave their parents to fend for themselves when they are elderly and hurt.

  Well I guess a light went off in her head. She said I need you as much as grama does. Then my mom says why can't we all help each other? Aahhh people my heads about to explode. I have an Autistic BPD adult daughter who doesn't understand the first thing about elderly people, and I have an elderly mother who doesn't understand the first thing about mental health issues and here I am in the middle    After about 20 minutes of us all crying my D finally says she thinks she an force herself to tolerate the situation.

   Small miracle but I'll take it. Right now anything outside of her comfort zone I'll take. And my mom has decided to resign herself to letting me make the decisions right now. AGAIN REALLY! Why do I have to have break down myself to get everybody on the same page?  My brain is on over load, can I breath yet?  So once again I find myself here in my safe place with my support-, all of you. Maybe in a few days I'll be able to deal with the drama causing brother, clear out my moms house and then make sure my dad is ok at the care home. 
   My mental health needs a vacation, well maybe just some meds. Thanks for being here for me

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hmm. Sounds like your daughter only took a pause when you spoke "her language" so to speak. Maybe only blowing up or breaking down computes to her?

Was what for brother did illegal? It sounds like he stole your mother's money. 

[Daisy123]

Hello Bluek9,
You have more than a full plate. Geez there’s so much going on in your life- my head is spinning.

Well, you’re a darn good daughter, taking care of your mom. You’re a darn good mother, taking care of your BPD autistic daughter. And, then taking on your brother. It sounds like you’ve gotten somewhere with Mom and DD. Progress. Baby steps.

And, yes, perhaps Turkish is on to something- speaking your DD’s language in that form. It just sounds like it takes so much from you.

I’m glad you’ve managed to post and let us in on what’s been going on. We are here and listening ( or more like reading).
What other self care does your full schedule allow?
Sending you thoughts of peace and hope you get some much deserved rest.

Daisy123

[bluek9]

Thanks Turkish,

    you're so right, maybe the melt down did make her pause. I have always given my best effort to stating calm with her, rare is the occasion that she sees me cry. Like Daisy123 said it takes so much out of me. I've been so emotionally wiped out since then. And yes what my brother did was illegal, still trying to figure out just how he did that. He better look out when I do.
   Thanks to you also Daisy, often I need to remember those baby steps. Change never comes overnight with BPD, its slow and we are ever waiting on it. My heart is so thankful for this board and all of you other parents who listen understand and get it. My self care is early to bed, reading a good book and going for a short walk. Then I come here to unload all my burdens. I'll keep checking in.

[Lollypop]

Bluek

And you took the time to respond to me!

You are an amazing woman.

The word that comes to my mind when reading your post is “crisis”.  It brings about change.  To be able to cut through your daughters thoughts and emotions so she can glimpse outside of herself and her also feel the need for her to change her own approach - wow, just wow.

She’ll remember this bluek and so will you.  You’re demonstrating family, how we take care of each other and she’s learning.  It takes huge strength - you’re doing great there.

Your daughter is right though - did you hear her?  You have to be well And I hope you’ve got a plan for this!

Hugs

LP