Self love vs dissapointment I had a child and marriage with BPDxH

[1hopefulhuman]

Its been a year since my BPDxH ened our relationship and broke up our family (we have 7 year old). In March he asked for a second chance, I said yes if he went to therapy and stayed monogamous: he failed within 4 weeks on both fronts. Since May he has raged at me twice in front of son and continues to undermine my parenting. He's overweight has bad posture and our community sadly but truthfully thinks he's lame.

So WHY am I still sad and disappointed deep inside?  I certainly can't be around someone like that, he's abusive. When I make plans to exchange my old ring for a new "self love" ring I realize I am still so attached!  I had a child with this man, I had committed myself to him forever, no matter how bad.

I realize now he did me a favor leaving, and that I'm free to live a life without abuse   and will eventually find a new partner who's in vibrational alignment with me and interested in true intimacy!

Yet, recently, I heard he started seeing someone else and I think its triggering me. I don't want my son around some other woman... .especially if she's emotionally attracted to him - yikes!

[once removed]

So WHY am I still sad and disappointed deep inside?

youre mourning a big loss, on a lot of levels, still navigating tricky waters coparenting, and relatively speaking, it hasnt been very long since things really ended. it would help to break things down. grieve and mourn the marriage and split of your family. get some help on the Co-Parenting/Family Law/Divorce board from experienced members who can help you limit conflict and the fallout.

how long were the two of you together?

[1hopefulhuman]

how long were the two of you together?

Thank you for the support! We were together 9 years.

Regarding the co-parenting, I don't think its possible and have decided to focus on parallel parenting. I need to let go of any expectation that he will maintain any of the parenting boundries I've laid out for our son at his home or under his care. Additionally, for the last few months I have gone low contact as it is the safest for me emotionally. I find him to be quite manipulative, subversive even in the smallest ways and he can lash out over anything. If it wasn't for our son I would go no contact.

[Mustbeabetterway]

 :hi:1hopefulhuman,

Sorry you have been going through this sad time.  Of course after 9 years together, it will take time to heal those deep hurts and disappointments. 

As onceremoved said, you are still mourning a big loss.  It is disappointing when things don't turn out like we planned.  It is sad, especially since you have a child together.

Do you have custody orders in place? 

It's very important to treat yourself kindly and take care of yourself so that you are able to be the best self and best parent you can be.

Mustbeabetterway

[XSurvivorX]

So WHY am I still sad and disappointed deep inside?  

Hi 1hopefulhuman,

Well - honestly, I think only you can really answer this one.  From the outside looking in, we all could hazard a guess or two.

Maybe because you secretly wanted it to really work out? Maybe because you really wanted to believe him, or at least have him believe himself.  Maybe you are disappointment that his return was almost like a miniature rehashing of your entire relationship prior to his leaving a year ago?

I don't know. I imagine there is a complex range of emotions you are feeling.  I feel for you.  But, as you are hearing from others here, its natural to be disappointed.  I would be, too, frankly. Disappointed in myself mostly for thinking things would turn out differently.  I would try not to blame yourself, for sure.  As a hopeful human, I am sure you want to see the best in people    Its hard when the opposite happens.

What would you say to yourself in this situation? Imagine instead it was your friend right now, why would she feel so sad? Could you help her analyze or break it down to get at the roots? What advice and consultation would you offer to her?  

Whatever it is, I would say that's your inner you trying to talk to the its own larger self.

[Lucky Jim]

Additionally, for the last few months I have gone low contact as it is the safest for me emotionally. I find him to be quite manipulative, subversive even in the smallest ways and he can lash out over anything. If it wasn't for our son I would go no contact.

Hey 1hh, I think this is a wise strategy.  I was easily manipulated and quite susceptible to F-O-G.  Like you, I found it best to go LC w/my BPDxW.  I stopped taking calls from her because she was constantly berating me after our separation.  In a way, it was helpful, because she made it easier to part ways.

Your feelings of sadness and disappointment are normal.  Suggest you continue to acknowledge your emotions and let them pass through you.  Don't beat yourself up!  Who knew about BPD?  Took me nine years of marriage to figure it out, though I always knew something was off.

I encourage you to continue to practice self-love and acceptance.  It sounds easy, but is actually pretty hard for us Nons.  The goal, in my view, is to get to a place where you care too much about yourself to allow yourself to be the object of anyone's abuse again.

LuckyJim

[1hopefulhuman]

Do you have custody orders in place? 

Thank you Mustbeabetterway! No, we were never legally married - I was engaged for 8 years  !  Our custody arrangements are just between us and it works out really nicely for our son at the moment:
- I drop son off at school
- Dad picks up son at school
- I pick up son at dads after work 6:30pm
- Son sleeps at dad's 2 weekday nights
- We have a shared calendar and organically request certain night, days, weekends off.
- Dad lives around the corner from me, 10 min walk, which makes this arrangement possible.

[Mustbeabetterway]

1hopefulhuman,

Certainly, glad you found this community and are feeling the support here.  

That’s great that you are able to negotiate a calendar and it works well for your son.  That is so important.

So do you have supportive friends or family?  What kinds of hobbies or activities do you enjoy?  I love yoga and I play the piano.  I can get lost in both of those activities and forget about everything else.  It gives me balance.  

I really like what Lucky Jim says , The goal is
To get to a place where you care too much about yourself to be the object of anyone’s abuse again.  I am still working on that myself.   

Hope you are having a good week so far.


Mustbe