Anger-ok till DD17 turns personal-how do you deal with not letting it get to u?

[StormyLife]

Hello all,

I haven't posted in a while because I have been trying to work through handling how to deal with my BPD 17 1/2 year old daughter.  Most of the new strategies I am using work - until she turns it personal and attacks with lies and mean names.  I am asking how you deal with not letting that get to you?  As soon as she turns it personal, it is game on.  I cannot allow her to lie, re-write history, make things up or name call.  It just makes me see red.  Then my husband gets upset and wants her and I to end the conflict.  Says things like, ok, that's enough because she is not seeing her part in this or you're just wasting your breath.  That makes me more angry.  I have spoken to my counselor about it.  She recommends not arguing back with her, saying instead:  oh, I am sorry you see it that way and try to diffuse her but I JUST CAN'T DO IT IN THE MOMENT.  She will say things like:  I have been trying to ask you to take me to check in on my job application but YOU have been in a bad mood.  Or, tonight when she didn't get her way and neither of us would go get her fast food she yells:  well you NEVER get food that I want in the house (not true, she makes a list and I buy it) then, if YOU would just cook food that didn't taste like ****, I would eat.  Or better yet, telling me I am not taking care of her medical needs then she refuses to go to the appointments I set up so I don't bother.  (She has to keep mandatory psych and counseling appts. - these are medical appts. for 'chronic pain', or any number of phantom illnesses).

Problem is:  she was out all day with friends and has money she earns from chores.  Then says she doesn't have money or doesn't want to spend HER money on things.  

This BPD is really really so frustratingly sad.  In 4 months, she will be 18.  I feel like I will not tolerate her abusive nature and kick her out but then... .there are moments when I really see the struggle for her and feel bad... .until she turns on me.  YES, I know that they turn most on the ones they are closest to but never seems true.  

Please, someone, give me some glimmer of hope because I feel that there are two polar opposite sides of her.  The one I like and feel bad for and would do whatever I need to do to help and the other.

Thank you for listening.
Stormy Life

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

  Hi Stormylife,

     I'm so very sorry that you are on the same ride as all of us here. I hear you IT'S SO FRUSTRATING! One of the best books I started with was I hate you, don't leave me. Just the title alone described me and my D. I just kept thinking to myself how can she hate me so much, spew such venom and cut my heart so deep; only to turn around and say I need you please don't leave me. At first it made my head spin. You are so right: it is abusive behavior towards us. When you talk about not being able to allow her to lie, re-write history, make things up or name call; I can totally understand. It's aggravating, frustrating, a personal affront to our senses as parents. That aspect is very hard to deal with. When my D goes in that direction I just let it all fall on the ground around me, I don't own it, pick it up or even evaluate it. At that point I know what the truth is  she is mentally ill, her perceptions and views are now and always will be distorted through the lenses of her illness.
   Now ask me if that truth takes the pain away? NO but it's the only way for me to find compassion for her. I know that her reality is never going to be the same as mine, I know that her reality is warped and she lashes out at me because she is in pain and cannot comprehend any other way of expressing herself. It's not that I condone or make excuses for her behavior, or even accept it. For both you and I it really comes down to doing more work on ourselves to find a different way to interact with our kids, set better boundaries. Again you are so right:: in the moment that can be impossible to do. It takes practice. If you haven't looked through the lessons to the right ----->>  try it out. I found S.E.T. and it changed my world.
  Stormylife sometimes all I can say is that we mommies have to put on our armor 

[wendydarling]

Hi Stormylife

I'm glad you've come back to talk and share with us. You've been working hard, most of the new strategies work is heartening to hear, well done, it takes work, care and determination and you have it in buckets  …. UNTIL it turns personal and abusive, how to handle that! My 30DD is not abusive to me, to herself yes, she's a quiet pwBPD.

bluek9 I follow your every word, your deep understanding of your DD and your situation, you. Is a lesson to us all, always so eloquently shared. Understanding our children, their ability to grow and find peace.

Stormylife my 30 DD is now out of crisis, she engaged in DBT at 27 and is doing her best to work it all out and I continue to listen, listen, listen... .……... validate her feelings, try let her solve her problems.

Guessing you are familiar with standing back from J.A.D.E; Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain? When we JADE we escalate dysregulation, stepping down from JADEing calms, takes the sails out of the storm. And replacing with SET helps deliver the message our children can hear and accept; support, empathy, truth.

How's your daughter doing at school?

WDx  

[StormyLife]

Thank you Bluek9.

I know that you are right when I can stand back not in the moment and look from above.  Now I feel as though I have and continue to contribute to the false reality she claims.  Just ended round 2 of the same fight after TWICE today I was picking her up from her school location to bring her to the orthodontist and she wasn't there.  Missed my lunch to bring her home and she ended up walking then I never communicated when I went back to pick her up that she was home.  Then all the blame starts all over again.

This is so unfair.  What a sick disease this is with no real hope for her to get it and come out of it until she pushes away everyone that matters to her. 

WDx, thank you as well.  She is in school - last semester and graduating in December.  No future plans after that.  She turns 18 in January.  She will probably take off at that point with no means to care for herself. 

It is so hard to validate feelings based on misperception or blame. 

I have read a few books, go to counseling, do whatever I can and then BAM here we go again.  I will try to make time to look at and use the tools on the right by boy, I don't have much left in the pot.  I am emotionally and physically spent. 

Thanks for taking time to respond.  I hope one day to be of help to someone else!


When she is good, she is amazing but these low valleys are the worst due to the volatility. 

[bluek9]

Hey SL,

   I love what you said "It's so hard to validate feelings based on misperceptions or blame" You are so right. That was why using the S.E.T. was so hard for m to use. When I started I had to tell my D give a moment I need to think before I respond to you. When her misperceptions comes out like "you hate me, you don't do anything for me" it's like a punch to the gut. But being supportive to her sounded like this from me--" I know you have expressed those feelings before, I hear you". And the Empathy sounded like this "I'm sorry you feel that way it must hurt". And the truth sounded like this "I love you, always have and if you'd like I can show you the calendar which lists what I've done for you".
   So yes that takes quit a toll on the brain. Amazingly it works!  I  also hear you about the empty pot and being emotionally and physically spent  we all get that way. And by the way YOU ARE HELPING OTHERS   just by coming here and posting, sharing your story and struggles. You are letting others know this is a safe place of love and support.
                   you're doing good, take care of yourself, you come first.

[StormyLife]

Thank you (again) Bluek9.  Those words are SO encouraging.  I am appreciative of the example you gave for SET.  That makes sense.  I am working on taking a step back before responding.  A big breakthrough yesterday as I had been out running errands (including a few that she needed).  At one point in our texting, she typed:  I APPRECIATE U.  I told her thank you and that it means a lot.  Baby steps - but big thing for me to look back on and be grateful for!

[wendydarling]

A big breakthrough yesterday as I had been out running errands (including a few that she needed).  At one point in our texting, she typed:  I APPRECIATE U.  I told her thank you and that it means a lot.  Baby steps - but big thing for me to look back on and be grateful for!

     these little break throughs are biggies. How's it going …. have you had any success stepping back, practising SET?

WDx

[StormyLife]

Thank you for asking.  Yes, it has been much smoother recently.  Such waves of up and down.  It is SO helpful to understand how her thought processes work and for me to quit trying to change them to match my reality.