Successful detachment strategy?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've posted on here a number of times, but have come to the point that I need to separate and file for divorce from my wife. I realize I haven't thought enough about my exact strategy in the process. Just file, get her served, move out and go no contact isn't thinking things through enough about the best way to handle it.

I was wondering if anyone had a divorce that under the abnormal circumstances of a disordered spouse went pretty well, and what decisions you made in the process helped lead to that.

[lpheal]

I've posted on here a number of times, but have come to the point that I need to separate and file for divorce from my wife. I realize I haven't thought enough about my exact strategy in the process. Just file, get her served, move out and go no contact isn't thinking things through enough about the best way to handle it.

I was wondering if anyone had a divorce that under the abnormal circumstances of a disordered spouse went pretty well, and what decisions you made in the process helped lead to that.

[mama-wolf]

Hi lpheal,

I'm sorry you're going through this... .I know it's a tough road, because I started the formal separation/divorce process myself just a few months ago.  Without having had a chance to go into your backstory, and without knowing the details of your situation, I'll offer just a few general thoughts for now.  I'll try to catch up and offer more later... .

My situation caused me a lot of anxiety, and the one thing that helped me manage that anxiety was making specific plans.  Part of that planning process also involved coming to a real clear understanding of what my non-negotiables were.  For example, I wanted to stay in the house that we bought several years ago, so I made sure to research my rights for keeping it and looked into whether I really could financially make it happen.

So with that in mind, start breaking down all the areas of your life that can or will be impacted by the divorce... .

1) You didn't mention kids or coparenting concerns, so I'm guessing maybe there aren't any... .
2) Are there pets?   If so, do you want any of them and what arrangements will you make for them?
3) Do you own property together?  Other assets?
4) What does your marital debt look like?  How many credit cards do you share (both own the accounts), how many are yours only with your pwBPD as an authorized user, and how many are hers with you as an authorized user?
5) What does the law say where you are with regards to separation?  (In my state, you have to be legally separated for a whole year before you can actually file for divorce)

It would also be very wise to take an inventory of all online accounts (email, social media, banking... .everything) and change your passwords to all of them.  Depending on how much you may share in that regard, you might have to be careful with the timing of this.  I'm not sure if the possibility of divorce has come up before, or if she has shown any potential for a volatile reaction.

That's the best I can do on limited time right now, but I'll be sure to check back!

mw

[lpheal]

Hi lpheal,

1) You didn't mention kids or coparenting concerns, so I'm guessing maybe there aren't any... .
2) Are there pets?   If so, do you want any of them and what arrangements will you make for them?
3) Do you own property together?  Other assets?
4) What does your marital debt look like?  How many credit cards do you share (both own the accounts), how many are yours only with your pwBPD as an authorized user, and how many are hers with you as an authorized user?
5) What does the law say where you are with regards to separation?  (In my state, you have to be legally separated for a whole year before you can actually file for divorce)

It would also be very wise to take an inventory of all online accounts (email, social media, banking... .everything) and change your passwords to all of them.  Depending on how much you may share in that regard, you might have to be careful with the timing of this.  I'm not sure if the possibility of divorce has come up before, or if she has shown any potential for a volatile reaction.

That's the best I can do on limited time right now, but I'll be sure to check back!

mw

1. We have one child, so yes there would be immediate coparenting concerns. This is my biggest concern. I would have been gone years ago if it weren't for this. My L says if I file and leave the house, my wife could decide not to go along with proposed custody schedule (50/50 time). I would potentially have minimal contact with child under court hearing two months after filing. This would result in my wife being considered the primary parent though we would have joint legal custody. I simply can't see staying in the house for two months until a hearing. I'm cautiously optimistic my wife would want to avoid embarrassment by having her behavior brought in front of a judge and might agree to mediate and settle quietly. She is high functioning overall, and I have no evidence that her behavior has been directed at our child... .but how do I really know? Child seems to enjoy being around her, but does prefer my company.
2. We do have a dog. The dog could either stay or go with me. I don't have strong feelings about it. It was a rescue that came from my side of the family. I could see him traveling with my child back and forth.
3-4. We have a mortgage, but no significant consumer debt. We have other assets as well. I can weather the storm financially, and don't have a strong desire to keep the home even as crazy at that sounds. I'll be able to earn more money than I make now in a few years so I would actually be in decent shape. In fact my wife would be okay for a few years as well.
5. We have resided in our state long enough to file for divorce.

I got off social media a few years ago, but could easily change email addresses.

I guess I'm wondering if her first notice should be getting served, or it there might be room to tell her the day I file but before she is served. I think it would be too dangerous, but curious if anyone has done this. Also, how to maintain contact safely after filing regarding parenting. I feel like I would want everything in writing, either text or email or parenting app (best). Finally, how to respond if she doesn't agree to my initial parental access agreement. I feel like every way she can maintain control she will want to do, so I'm trying to troubleshoot how to work with that assumption. Also how to be as humane as possible in the process. I've really come to accept this as a disorder, and don't hate her anymore. I just can't live with her the rest of my life.

[once removed]

we have an in depth leaving strategy as a resource here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/carver.pdf

its good to be taking mitigating circumstances into consideration. whats going on at the moment? any ongoing conflict?

[mama-wolf]

The article once removed linked is a good start.  I was about to suggest that this thread might be better off in the Family Law board, but just saw that you have another thread already running there. 

Are you here on the Detaching board looking for more guidance on the emotional aspects of leaving the relationship?  It sounds like she's fairly high functioning, which is similar to my situation and I know it took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I needed to call an end to the marriage.  How are you feeling?

I can say I personally did not leave the house until some things were settled on paper.  I spent many nights sleeping on the couch in the playroom, but was not going to let her characterize me in any way as having "left" the kids behind.  If she couldn't handle being around me, then she could go and stay elsewhere to "take a break" (which she did a couple times), but I focused on maintaining as much stability for the kids as possible.

As far as first notice... .I did not feel at all comfortable telling her one-on-one due to her emotional volatility and the history of manipulation.  We had been in marriage counseling for several months, so I arranged with the therapist to tell her in session.  She was still emotional, but couldn't fly off the handle, and she also had to respect my boundaries (including physical space) in front of a third party.  Didn't stop her from yelling at me and cursing me in the following days, but at least I got through what I needed to get through first.

I guess it depends on how your pwBPD handles upsetting news/informtaion and what you feel up for.  I controlled as much of my environment as I could and minimized my exposure to her as much as possible.

mw

[lpheal]

Are you here on the Detaching board looking for more guidance on the emotional aspects of leaving the relationship?  It sounds like she's fairly high functioning, which is similar to my situation and I know it took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I needed to call an end to the marriage.  How are you feeling?

I can say I personally did not leave the house until some things were settled on paper.  I spent many nights sleeping on the couch in the playroom, but was not going to let her characterize me in any way as having "left" the kids behind.  If she couldn't handle being around me, then she could go and stay elsewhere to "take a break" (which she did a couple times), but I focused on maintaining as much stability for the kids as possible.

As far as first notice... .I did not feel at all comfortable telling her one-on-one due to her emotional volatility and the history of manipulation.  We had been in marriage counseling for several months, so I arranged with the therapist to tell her in session.  She was still emotional, but couldn't fly off the handle, and she also had to respect my boundaries (including physical space) in front of a third party.  Didn't stop her from yelling at me and cursing me in the following days, but at least I got through what I needed to get through first.

I guess it depends on how your pwBPD handles upsetting news/informtaion and what you feel up for.  I controlled as much of my environment as I could and minimized my exposure to her as much as possible.

mw

Yes, you are correct. This string is about analyzing the emotional aspect of leaving. I'm about to have a major career change next summer that will result in a new job and most likely moving to a new state. I won't succeed in the transition with a partner who so drains me. I can't find the right job until I deal with my personal life either.

Her dysfunction has also been worse, maybe because she also feels the stress of the upcoming life change. Our attempts to talk about it have been completely unproductive though... .completely. She even admits she doesn't know what she wants, because she feels like she has lost her identity. She has also said she is not committing to the next phase of her life with me. We are not a team. You are not my person in life.

My L was shocked she hasn't filed herself saying those things, and part of me hopes the dysfunction will be minimized if she is feeling this way.

I have been sleeping in a separate bedroom most nights the past few weeks, but then she took all of the pillows out of that room and hid them. She also took a bunch of my pictures down off the wall. Two weeks ago she changed the locks at the house and didn't give me the new key for three days. So these push and pull tactics remind me there is still a lot of dysfunction that will be unleased when I file and serve her.

I just want to be mentally prepared. I don't want to fall into any traps. I don't want to guilt myself back into the house for my child or anything else. I do very much want to be my child's father for as much percent as possible. The idea of divorce gives me a nervous stomach feeling, but it feels less bad now than the idea of staying in the relationship. I guess that's progress!

I know she will rage at me when she gets served, but then she does that every night so how much worse could it be? I left the house for a night two years ago, and she called me like 90 times. She didn't try to come look for me. She tried to make me feel guilty for abandoning our child. She will do that again. If she calls or text bombs me I'll file a restraining order the next morning. Anyway, just trying to run through the mental flow chart of all of this... .

[bus boy]

I hope everything goes well but in most situations with BPD people it doesn't. My experience like many on here was horrid. Ex was the clear devil to deal with in family court and out of family court. Devious sneaky lier. I am now fully convinced that in family court the best lier wins.
  I use to get all twisted up in a knot about ex wife and her actions but not anymore, I guess I realized I had enough. I can give a sweet fiddlers f**k what she does now because no matter what I do or say makes no difference. She is still doing her devious sneaky things and that's ok I just remind myself what I'm dealing with and let go, it's been much better for my.