I still pray for a miracle, but I'm realistic

[MeandThee29]

Mine left just before our 25th anniversary.

And to some extent, I'm still attached. We have two wonderful young adults that live with me and commute to college.

And it's OK. I think I've come to a point of acceptance that he's still very much a part of us even though we're not together.

I still pray for a miracle, but I'm realistic. Mine also has PTSD (often a related or causal issue), and there's a lot that would have to be treated/resolved. Recently he wanted to meet to one-on-one work out things by going through every aspect of our marriage. I've seen multiple counsellors because of retirements, travel, situation, etc., and each one said he'd offer this and to categorically refuse it. It's typical of BPD and would only lead to despair. Then he would have a list of things to hold me to, and of course I'd fail in some area. It would all start again.

It's fine to take more time off before dating if you wish too. Maybe you need a little more time.

[once removed]

I still pray for a miracle, but I'm realistic. Mine also has PTSD (often a related or causal issue), and there's a lot that would have to be treated/resolved. Recently he wanted to meet to one-on-one work out things by going through every aspect of our marriage. I've seen multiple counsellors because of retirements, travel, situation, etc., and each one said he'd offer this and to categorically refuse it. It's typical of BPD and would only lead to despair. Then he would have a list of things to hold me to, and of course I'd fail in some area. It would all start again.

its a tricky situation. on one hand, desiring a miracle, on the other, a lot to resolve, and it doesnt sound like theres much hope.

when you say he wants to "go through" every aspect of your marriage in order to work things out, what do you/he mean? what would be your conditions for reconciliation?

[BeagleGirl]

MeandThee29,
I think I might understand some of what you are feeling.  Even up until the day my divorce was final I held onto a small hope that dBPDxh would change his mind and at least decide not to move forward with the divorce, if not reconcile.  But I also had reached a point of acceptance that it would take a huge change and lots of time rebuilding trust, and that was very unlikely. 

Do you feel like you can hold both hope and realism indefinitely?  Do you feel pressure to either surrender hope or change your current reality?

FWIW, I also had advice from my T to avoid the marriage retreat that dBPDxh kept pushing.  She had a lot of the same concerns that your T expressed and also cautioned that most people running a retreat like that would be lacking in understanding/training on dealing with a disordered person and would not be equipped to recognize that dynamic.  She felt I would probably be viewed as the "bad guy" by well meaning facilitators.

BG

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi MeandThee29,

I think you are being realistic in feeling like a miracle is in order.  My husband and I have been married 38 years.  We have been separated since January.  He has apologized for some things and thinks I should just accept the apology and get back together with him.  He thinks we can't move forward because I am "living in the past".  He says I haven't offered any avenues for reconciliation.  As a matter of fact,   after I had been gone for a month or so, he asked what he could do and I told him he needed to work on whatever was causing him to be angry and abusive.  Of course, he totally ignored that. 

My husband wants to go over our marriage, too.  But, whenever we talk he continually points out how I have failed him.  I have apologized for not being able to be there for him in the way that he wanted.  But, he brings these things up over and over again.

I don't remember why your husband moved to another state.  My husband wanted to move away when he retired and was angry that I wouldn't retire from my job, and just move away leaving our daughter and granddaughter here.  I wanted to stay close to them.  Plus my mother is elderly and in a nursing home.  I am the only family member who will take responsibility for overseeing her care.  It's like he wanted for me to choose.  He felt he had worked hard and "deserved " to do what he wanted.  But, also insisting that I put everyone else before him because I wouldn't agree to move.  I often felt lonely and isolated at home with him living in our hometown.  I can't imagine what it would be like to live in a completely new place with his moodiness and tendency to push me away whenever we felt close.

I haven't filed for divorce because 38 years is a lifetime and I just can't accept the finality of divorce yet.  He says I am keeping him hanging.  Today he told me he is moving on and dating someone.  Not sure if he is or just trying to push my buttons.  But, I just don't see reconciliation in our future.  I don't want to accept mistreatment ever again.

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Is your husband getting treatment?

Much peace,

Mustbeabetterway

[Lucky Jim]

Hey M&T,  I agree with Mustbe that a miracle is unlikely.  I think you are wise to decline the one-on-one discussion, which would probably turn into a blame-fest on you.  Yes, it would all start again, which is why BPD is so discouraging after a while.

I'm sorry to hear that he left right before your 25th Anniversary, yet I predict that detaching will lead to greater happiness for you.  It's nice that you have your children living at home while they commute to college.  Presumably they notice that things are calmer around the house?

I admire your honest assessment of where things stand for you.

LJ

[MeandThee29]

Thanks all.

He emailed last night about how two people should be able to work out things without counselling and accountability. He sees himself as a reasonable person with a difficult wife. At some point he lost the ability to see things from my standpoint. According to him, I've made up the times when he said God would strike me dead on the road someday, that I deserved to die alone, etc. He sees this as a basic marriage conflict versus his vindictiveness and bullying. Any discussion on our marriage is always focused on my faults. So yes, I need someone who would take control of the conversation and be a witness.

He also demanded again that the four of us move where he is to get a "fresh start." That includes our two college students who of course can't afford to casually just move across the country. A "fresh start" doesn't mean that the problems are going to go away. We'd be isolated trying to figure out a new location, and we'd bring our "secret" along with us. Makes zero sense for us. My work, friends, and counsellors are here. He wants me to break all of that off so I can focus on his needs.

Mustbeabetterway, mine retired and left a few months later, tried to commit suicide, came back, and then left again. I had been mostly a stay-at-home mom with some part-time teaching. I'm still doing the teaching and added in a retail job while I continue to look for something with benefits. He pushed to sell the house, so we are in a run-down rental that I can barely afford.

Once Removed, he wants to reconcile by going through a list of all the ways that I failed him from courting on. He says that I should also make a list. NO, NO, NO. That is the worst possible way to do it. And we'd spent most of the time on my failures, trust me. The therapist's word for that was DESPAIR.

BeagleGirl, I was also warned about the marriage retreats. Not applicable for a disordered partner in a very contentious relationship.

So yes, apart from a miracle, here we are. I'm fine pressing on with the ambiguity. I wish now that we had done a legal separation because he's made some hurtful financial moves, but we're OK for now. I know divorce would be protracted and messy. His health is very poor, so that's a factor.