BPD spouse :AKA the micro manager husband and dad from work daily

[LJS0617]

My husband while at work attempts to micro manage me and the kids at home. It starts with a ? That he already knows the answer to and then he strikes and fires fires fires... .throws bomb, bomb, bomb.
Talks out both sides of his mouth... .you are Ana amazing mom and u know that... .all while pointing out all he thinks he knows and hasn’t been present in the home all day. He obsessively stalks the cameras, door alarms and internet traffic via a circle device. He has alerts pop up every time I swipe a card so he knows when,where and immediately gets an alert but then quickly says... .what are u up to?  Are u home?

“Yes, I am a magician I’m at home and at target and grocery store all at the same time”. He sees nothing wrong with it and it’s only a question and he can have them. He says he can have complaints but no criticism. He doesn’t know the difference. He insults and degrades my choice on all levels but he “needs” my help all the time. He wants my “input” all the time. So a valid question to me would be... .why?  Why would someone want input or advice from someone u so clearly think is incapable and stupid.  

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[LJS0617]

My husband while at work attempts to micro manage me and the kids at home. It starts with a ? That he already knows the answer to and then he strikes and fires fires fires... .throws bomb, bomb, bomb.
Talks out both sides of his mouth... .you are Ana amazing mom and u know that... .all while pointing out all he thinks he knows and hasn’t been present in the home all day. He obsessively stalks the cameras, door alarms and internet traffic via a circle device. He has alerts pop up every time I swipe a card so he knows when,where and immediately gets an alert but then quickly says... .what are u up to?  Are u home?

“Yes, I am a magician I’m at home and at target and grocery store all at the same time”. He sees nothing wrong with it and it’s only a question and he can have them. He says he can have complaints but no criticism. He doesn’t know the difference. He insults and degrades my choice on all levels but he “needs” my help all the time. He wants my “input” all the time. So a valid question to me would be... .why?  Why would someone want input or advice from someone u so clearly think is incapable and ignorant?  Anyone relate or offer advice in responding?  When attacking me he knows how to and where to hit my core values and places that I can’t sit back and not defend after so much.

[Mustbeabetterway]

LJS0617,

Wow!  That must be difficult to handle.  Does his watching the goings on while he is at work seem ok if he didn’t criticize?

  What would he say if you told him how you felt about it?  Could you set some boundaries about how many texts or calls you want to answer during the day? Every family/couple are different.  Some tolerate constant communication and others not so much.  Where are you on that spectrum?

Looking forward to hearing from you, so we can best know what tools are needed to make this situation better.

Mustbeabetterway

[LJS0617]

It’s an obsession and outlet for him to give permission to u leash or pole and prod me. I have voiced it for years and it’s sick and twisted and fiends even think so that have visited and seen his behaviour.
He parents from the camera showing driveway and pool. I had to set and stick to boundaries and door sensors and devices have been removed until he can manage himself or some
Improvement seen. None thus far and he sees it completely ok that he does this. Plus or minus the criticism it feels gross and like jail. It feels like the one thing I do well and know I do, is being a mom. Taking and managing a home and raising responsible, resilient, kind kids. It’s a core or hot spot he knows stikes straight down and I struggle to ignore. He had gotten me to a place I have never known and I feel like I’m closer to leaving that ever. I feel less connected and more fearful in a daily basis and not near the drive for life I have prior to the past couple years. I would love insight and suggestions bc I want to make it past this hump but while it is a time I should or I am needing a reserve tank... .I have a depleted current tank with no reserve. Maybe it is a  little too late and a little to less

[CryWolf]

wow LJ, you are going through an immense amount of events right now. Lets take a step back here, so your husband gets notifications when you use a card? Do you two share a joint account? Have you witnessed him look at the traffic circles? That is pretty intense, being watched... Im so sorry, I can only imagine how you feel right now. 

My ex used to stalk my social media and check every single follower I had. She used to send me texts "where are you" out of the blue at times. tell her im not home, then the assumptions fly in. She also degraded me and told me how illiterate and have no reading comprehensive but would ask me to write her emails to her professors for her because she couldn't. I think a lot of it was self projecting, although she was smart.

When you mentioned that he doesnt seem to find this behavior wrong, I'm assuming this was brought up to him before? How did the interaction go?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hey there,

Glad you are reaching out.  It takes a lot of courage to make positive changes in a difficult situation.   

So you say devices and door sensors have been removed.  That sounds like a good boundary.  Did you see improvement from those changes?

Good for you taking your parenting responsibilities so seriously.  Raising resilient, responsible and kind children is a most important job.  But can also be draining, especially when other stressors are present.

What do you do for self care?  How do you reduce or manage your stress?  Exercise is helpful for many people to keep reserve in the tank.  Do you have supportive friends or family?  That can also help us keep our tanks from depleting.

You mention being fearful, do you think your situation is unsafe?  Safety is of utmost importance, of course. 

Take care,

Mustbe

[an0ught]

Hi LJS,

both micrwowmt and uncontrolled anger are often promoted by a weak sense of self in combination of being enmeshed with the partner. Boundaries can bring here significant sustainable change and fairly rapidly so.

Now getting boundaries in place and managing the initial fallout of the change - well that takes some thought, mental prep and maybe also practice of communication and validation skills to handle the change process.

Some people here start working from the communication end and some embark with boundaries. In the end it takes both.

For boundaries a lot depend on your values, conviction and mental clearity of what is important and what you accept being out of your hands. It is best to start with one that is important enough to matter and you are confident after thinking it fully through you can protect. Boundary struggles have to be won otherwise the opposite of the desired behavior is promoted.

What things do you want realistically stop from happening in the near term? Check out our workshops on this topic.

[isilme]

He doesn’t know the difference. He insults and degrades my choice on all levels but he “needs” my help all the time. He wants my “input” all the time. So a valid question to me would be... .why?  Why would someone want input or advice from someone u so clearly think is incapable and ignorant?

He's not asking for honest feedback as you understand it.  He is looking for you to validate his ideas, and when you dare to have another notion, one not his, he sees it as invalidation and strikes out.

I really think that they can perceive us being our own entities as threatening, scary, and while they fear engulfment, the seek it out, too, to prevent us abandoning them, even if the abandonment is perceived and not real.  Like, my H perceives me as abandoning him if I am reading a book, while he watches a movie, even if we are in the same room.  I am not sharing his emotions, feeling the same feelings, which to him can be invalidating - if I am different, I may think he is wrong or incorrect - this means he has shame and blame for those feelings to dodge. 

The card swiping would freak me out.  The cameras a bit, but the cards stalking yes.  He is so concerned you are not sharing his feelings, doing what he thinks is correct he has to monitor you?  This is inappropriate.  Cameras should be off when the family is home - their purpose is to monitor the house when empty.  I think this needs to be established as a boundary.  Can you ask what he is so worried he might miss if the cameras aren't on?  What he fears you might be doing/not doing? 

[an0ught]

He's not asking for honest feedback as you understand it.  He is looking for you to validate his ideas, and when you dare to have another notion, one not his, he sees it as invalidation and strikes out.

Exactly. And then for us the key step is to switch the conversation from ‚ideas‘ with which we may well disagree for very good reasons as decisions carry real consequences on to the realm of his emotions. Emotions we recognize and acknowledge. Emotion which we do not share but he is entitled to. Emotions he feels strongly grumble, ahh I meant very extremely strongly hmm, which may go forever exactly which after a very long time may become just bearable yeah, could be days, could be months you get it. Want some icecream? Good idea..

Switching to emotions may be a big jump but then pwBPW need and apprechiate validated emotions. What you may perceive as a big jump is maybe just another jump in the already highly fractured reality. When calmed down jumping to another topic can also be a way forward if there is no real problem to be resolved.