H Getting Back on FB

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My H has been talking about getting back onto FB. If he does, it will be disaster. He lets his dysregulation out on our friends when he is on FB. He argues, calls people names, gets offended, trolls others,  finds new reasons to be offended, obsesses over it, and believes that everyone on his friends list is a true friend. On top of that, when he is in a dysregulated mood, he picks apart anything I post and sees it as an offense against him.

Example, if I were to post the Holderness family's newest video about the toilet paper fairy, he would take that as a dig at him for not changing the toilet paper, even though it's just a funny video with 0 intent behind it.

Previously when he was on FB, I would block him from seeing most of my posts because it just created problems. I have guy friends that I would have to delete because he would demand to know who they were if they commented on my posts. They are friends I've made through online forums and other fb groups. I've also made female friends from these groups, but he won't care about that. He will focus in on the men. I could never explain that these are friends from a BPD SO group. I just reviewed my feed to see if there's anything I've posted in the last couple weeks that could trigger him and I didn't see anything in particular other than some guy friends liking my posts.

He did try to log in to his old FB account yesterday. Thankfully FB is requiring him to send in his photo ID to prove that it's really him since it's been so long since he shut down his account. I hope this was a big enough barrier that he will not pursue rejoining.

I know that if he does get back online that I cannot control him. I can't stop him from behaving a fool. What I can do though is not fix it for him when he damages relationships with his online behavior. I can not apologize for him. I can not explain away his behavior to others. I can let him deal with the consequences and fall out for his own behavior.

[Tattered Heart]

My H has been talking about getting back onto FB. If he does, it will be disaster. He lets his dysregulation out on our friends when he is on FB. He argues, calls people names, gets offended, trolls others,  finds new reasons to be offended, obsesses over it, and believes that everyone on his friends list is a true friend. On top of that, when he is in a dysregulated mood, he picks apart anything I post and sees it as an offense against him.

Example, if I were to post the Holderness family's newest video about the toilet paper fairy, he would take that as a dig at him for not changing the toilet paper, even though it's just a funny video with 0 intent behind it.

Previously when he was on FB, I would block him from seeing most of my posts because it just created problems. I have guy friends that I would have to delete because he would demand to know who they were if they commented on my posts. They are friends I've made through online forums and other fb groups. I've also made female friends from these groups, but he won't care about that. He will focus in on the men. I could never explain that these are friends from a BPD SO group. I just reviewed my feed to see if there's anything I've posted in the last couple weeks that could trigger him and I didn't see anything in particular other than some guy friends liking my posts.

He did try to log in to his old FB account yesterday. Thankfully FB is requiring him to send in his photo ID to prove that it's really him since it's been so long since he shut down his account. I hope this was a big enough barrier that he will not pursue rejoining.

I know that if he does get back online that I cannot control him. I can't stop him from behaving a fool. What I can do though is not fix it for him when he damages relationships with his online behavior. I can not apologize for him. I can not explain away his behavior to others. I can let him deal with the consequences and fall out for his own behavior.

[Cat Familiar]

It's so troubling to sit back and watch a loved one behave foolishly on social media, particularly when being personally attacked by them. And then having to deal with his paranoia about people with whom you converse--that puts you in the weird position of monitoring your own posts.

Though you won't apologize or explain away his behavior, it's still a very awkward situation for you. Hopefully having to show a photo ID will be enough of a roadblock that he won't pursue renewing his account any further.

[Red5]

FB + BPD = "Bad News"

... .you've heard of "road rage"... .well, welcome to "key board rage",  

~ always served with a side order of paranoia ~

Its funny, buts its not !

Red5

[formflier]

I used to have several friends that "watched" my wife on FB.  I'm not on there.  Anyway... they would give me heads up when weird stuff was going on... .online.

Anyway... .a while back she got so odd that some of them had to block her.  Things she would speak about in real life like she would have a strong opinion about... .she would go online and would nuke people that didn't agree.  No room for compromise.

Nothing nice to say...   I saw a couple of her posts and really didn't want to know... .so I stayed blissfully ignorant.

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

 I go through this with my h too, even though we are currently separated. Not too long ago he was grilling me about some male coworkers I added to our (joint) fb page. He also said there were other men that I had added and later claimed they were suddenly gone. I still don't know who he is talking about. I held my ground on deleting people who are in no way romantic interests to me. I usually don't even use fb because of the jealousy and paranoia he exhibits. After that conversation I completely stopped using fb altogether again. The password locked me out and I didn't bother changing it. He asked for the password, but I I couldn't remember it and told him that he could change it. He wanted it done from my device only, said it was set up that way for security. He regularly believes someone has hacked the account. He proceeded to set up a new fb for himself. When I got a new phone, I set up messenger without fb so I didn't have to hear about how I had my own fb page, but he grilled me anyway, believing that I set up a new page for myself or reactivated my old one. Apparently it's ok for him to have a separate individual page, but if I do it he thinks it's suspicious. Even though he's the one who purposely added questionable female friends, was even private messaging some of them a few years back in ways that could be considered cheating. I have never talked to any other men. Double standard all the way.

Facebook is not worth the trouble for me so I just avoid it. Recently I was able to log in again and I looked at some cars on market place. I was careful not to do any other activities that would be visible because I just don't want the suspicious questions. It's really frustrating.

  I feel what you're going through and I hate that for you.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[jsgirl360]

FB + BPD = "Bad News"

... .you've heard of "road rage" ... .well, welcome to "key board rage",  

~ always served with a side order of paranoia ~

Its funny, buts its not !

Red5

I've said it before,  I'll say it again: every time I read this board I learn that my BPDh's behavior isn't unique at all. Rather,  he's very textbook BPD.

We had issues with FB for years. He scrutinized everything I posted. Anytime I posted a funny meme, he expressed paranoia that people would think it was about him. Even a Bible verse he would somehow twist to mean something negative about him.

Nowadays, since he is out of work, he is scouring Facebook nearly all day.  I don't go on much for several reasons.  Every time I would post something,  he would scrutinize every person who "liked" my post. You can imagine,  as a BPD, there are multiple people he has conflicts with who are my "friends".

Also, I don't post much because I have lots of church members as friends who might not understand my sense of humor. ;)

BPDh tends to post provocative political memes and videos, covertly trying to get a rise out of certain people.

[formflier]

So... .pwBPD generally have a "lack of filter" or "lower filter" than most nons.

I think most of us, when we get online, have somewhat less of a filter than we would in person.

So... .when you combine less filter with less filter you get "KABOOM", pwBPD on FB.


There is also an "instantaneous" quality to all of it (sort of goes along with less filters).

Time is a natural filter.  So, if I get pissed at my wife, but she won't be home for an hour... .I'm somewhat cooled off by the time she gets there.  As opposed to immediately getting on FB and expressing my "full emotion" in the moment.

FF

[Tattered Heart]

It always amazed me that my H did not understand why people didn't want to talk to him in real life after he demolished them on FB. To him, he saw people post opinions and things on FB, which means he had permission to do the same, but didn't realize that most people (except in comments sections) are still emotional people who don't like to be called names. I found that people would often look at me like they felt sorry for me because I had to live with him. I sometimes felt "At least it's someone else he is focused on and not me." 

We lost a couple as friends because he just wouldn't stop arguing with the husband, and the husband wouldn't stop arguing back. Interestingly, the husband was a covert narcissist and my H found himself oddly drawn to this guy, no matter how much he despised him. He always wanted to help him out of his troubles, give him financial assistance, and tried to pep him up with good advice, but would get angry when this guy continued to want to wallow in self-pity. 

The part that was sad though is that my H really thought everyone was his friend. He felt like he had a deep connection to their lives because they were posting about things on FB, but it left him feeling lonely because he never talked to many of his FB friends in real life. When he told me that's how he viewed FB, I cried for him. That was one of those "Wow, BPD really is a mental illness that affects him in ways I never imagined."

[Cat Familiar]

The part that was sad though is that my H really thought everyone was his friend. He felt like he had a deep connection to their lives because they were posting about things on FB, but it left him feeling lonely because he never talked to many of his FB friends in real life. When he told me that's how he viewed FB, I cried for him. That was one of those "Wow, BPD really is a mental illness that affects him in ways I never imagined."

Fortunately neither my husband nor I use FB. However, he does sometimes post on a Buddhist board and has assumed that people he's met there are his "friends". He also does that IRL in that he will try and befriend someone whose business he frequents. He then might try and extend the relationship through trying to have a social connection with that person and then will be mystified that the "friendship" isn't reciprocated.

I think that pwBPD, though whatever is going on in their heads, often misinterpret social cues. He sees someone "being nice" to him and thinks that they have a friendship, when they really merely see him as a customer.

[XSurvivorX]

Certainly a tough one.  My ex made me get rid of FB for all of the various reasons listed here (my current wife "made" me bring it back).

Honestly, I rarely use it.  Even in the healthiest of situations, FB seems to have become a spot where people can just rant and post whatever infuriating or political thing that they want to, throwing it out into the FB'o'sphere, and letting it do its thing with little recourse.  How to deal with that with a pwBPD... .that right there might be the $67,000 question.

If he did return, would reducing your own presence on / time spent on FB be an option for you? Even if you walked away from it cold turkey, he still might be causing issues on it, but at least you wouldn't need to see it on the daily.   I dunno, just talking out loud here.

[formflier]

OK... .FF told a fib when I said I wasn't on FB.

I am... I have a grand total of... .wait for it... my friend list is massive!    Oh... .this is too much to even type.

1.


Yep... 1 total FB friend.

A child of mine was travelling in Africa and internet was spotty.  So, FB was the only way I could get pics and occasional "texts"... whatever that is.

I used to say I would get on FB when hell froze over...

I guess my fondness for keeping up with my daughter showed me... . 

Even funnier... when my wife realized I was on FB... she sent me a friend request.  Then got all out of whack because I wouldn't "be her friend on FB.  It was a "thing" for about a month... then it died out.

FF

[Tattered Heart]

If he did return, would reducing your own presence on / time spent on FB be an option for you? Even if you walked away from it cold turkey, he still might be causing issues on it, but at least you wouldn't need to see it on the daily.   I dunno, just talking out loud here.

I have done that before. When he starts spending a lot of time on there, I will take a "FB fast". Thankfully he hasn't mentioned it again, although he has been trying to get me to show him what's going on FB. I did share with him posts on our farm's FB page and while showing it to him, he said "Who just sent you a message?" Nothing had even popped up. When I said "No there wasn't," thankfully, he readily accepted that.