mother with dementia

[yamada]

I cant tell, but will be seeing the therapist soon and so I keep distracting. When my Dad exploded at time his face was aggression... I didn't feel scared by I was in fight mode, but the reality of the both of them after the numbness worse off is what set in and horrified me. And that I had seen it before but always denied what it was.  And I could remember when it was building up and I could feel it. what worse with my Mothers toxic behaviour I always thought he never saw it. And even when he saw it he did nothing... .and thats what hurts. See I get really angry with frustration and I am called abusive,... .what was he being. And my mother said I started it and this time I didnt take it and I said no your did, you and he did. My sister will tell me that I am unfit to manage and care for my parents. And I am if this behaviour and triggering continues to make me sick. She always pushes the crazy buttons in me saying I am crazy. I have to accept in the reality my parents are both selfish people. I read a report which said dad was so upset about the episode with the daughter who he is now estranged from... .and its the delivered slandering of me that ___s me. Its on record. However my answer always is... .you never see my real parents because why would they show you? its all goignj round in my head and I cant seem to stop it except distract from it.

[Panda39]

It's hard to see your parents as they are when they are abusive, and when you have been raised to believe they are right, and know everything and you are the problem.  It's a real shift in your thinking.  You are trying to break free of the dysfunction but your family likes the dysfunction just the way it is, so they will try and push your buttons and up the pressure so you fall in line and do what you have always done.  

You do not have to participate in that, you are your own wonderful self that deserves to be treated with love and respect, not blamed for things you haven't done, not verbally attacked.  You see where the dysfunction is and you do not have to be a part of it, you do not have to fill the role of scapegoat for them.  

Hang in there yamada, you can and will get through this.  

What are you doing for yourself?  Try and fit in some self-care.    

Panda39

[Harri]

Yamada said:

And I could remember when it was building up and I could feel it. what worse with my Mothers toxic behaviour I always thought he never saw it. And even when he saw it he did nothing... .and thats what hurts.

Yes.  That does hurt.  It is painful to know that both parents can betray us.

And my mother said I started it and this time I didnt take it and I said no your did, you and he did.

You changed your pattern of behavior by saying no and they reacted by trying to get you to go back to your usual role where you would go along with it.  Their reactions do not define you or make you saying no wrong.  They are going to push back.  It will get better over time.

I read a report which said dad was so upset about the episode with the daughter who he is now estranged from... .and its the delivered slandering of me that PLEASE READs me. Its on record.

I am sorry, I am not following this.  What report?

[yamada]

what I have done is starting to reconnect with people who are normal like me and who have similiar interests and I am grateful I had found them and I made a vow to keep up. My father has a been assessed by an age care group and everything is copied to an online page . Thats where I saw the report and then I realised of course I am the bad guy they would never say they are not.

[Harri]

Oh... .ouch about the report.  I don't really know what to say except that he is caught up in the dysfunction and as such can't really see you.  Everything is filtered through a distorted lens.  I hope that helps though i would still feel hurt and angry about it as I worked on acceptance.  It is so difficult though.  I am sorry you had to see that... .and that he said it.

It is wonderful that you are reaching out and making connections with healthy people.  That is a huge step.  How are you doing with your other self care?  I ask because I find it such a struggle.

Oh and check out this thread on Projection.  It addresses what I said about your father not seeing you and I believe it was Isilme who talked about projection earlier in this thread.

[yamada]

I love projection. Its like my mother and sister disclose everyting about themselves and I dont have to ask the question

I have to find a way to accept that my parents are incapable, always were, always will be of being "normal" I have to stop the expectation and the hope. I am not sure how to do that  except I keep reminding myself everytime I feel it. And like a real death... .grieve and move on. I dont want to go back to the dark place. At this time I am practicing grounding and mindfulness . As well I have been doing some researching on the legalities of Power of attorney and the circumstances under which it was done. that is my dad couldn't read a document with his vision.
I have the best thereapist. I am going to be OK. I never want to be back in that dark place and I will do my best to prevent it.

What would I do wiith out the generosity and selflessness of this board

[Kwamina]

Hi yamada

I have to find a way to accept that my parents are incapable, always were, always will be of being "normal" I have to stop the expectation and the hope. I am not sure how to do that  except I keep reminding myself everytime I feel it.

Acceptance is definitely hard, to quote Dr. Marsha Linehan:

It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

Accepting the reality of our BPD parents and what this means for the relationship we are (not) able to have with them, is very hard and involves letting go of the loving fantasy parent we never had, still don't and unfortunately probably never will have. In a way this is indeed like experiencing the death of a loved one, the death of what could have been and what we in spite of everything deep inside still hoped and longed for. As you grieve this loss, it might help to look at a thread we have about grieving:

Grieving Our Losses

The Board Parrot

[yamada]

What I have to come to terms with it the non existence , the incapability and the reality of people who are supposed to have your back.  And their choice as well to chose my sister,. always over me. And the underlying fear that maybe I really am a bad person and abusive person and aggressive person who victimises these people and all this sudden inward looking is making me a selfish person ,
that it is all about me and then I realise that these three people are the only three who see me like this,. And in the process my parents have lost old friends and family however that they can fool people into believing my horribleness. Its almost paranoid and I know it comes from the brain beating of "everyone knows or thinks'
and my sisters relentless blame of me for "the 20 years of disruption of this family"
How powerful am I? All by myself I destroyed this family. Sadly my parents solicitor doesn't believe any of it . he has freaked out at all the secret spilling by me , Even the organising of will and POA. How did he get tricked. Because toxic people learn and know how to fool people.
What I dont like it the prejudgement of service providors. And I have to think of what to do... .let it go or  tell them to do thier job without the bias.

[Learning2Thrive]

What I have to come to terms with it the non existence , the incapability and the reality of people who are supposed to have your back.  And their choice as well to chose my sister,. always over me. And the underlying fear that maybe I really am a bad person and abusive person and aggressive person who victimises these people and all this sudden inward looking is making me a selfish person, that it is all about me and then I realise that these three people are the only three who see me like this

Yamada, have you read this article yet? Skip shared it on a different thread and while I thought I understood skapegoating before, this article cleared up so much for me. I hope you’ll read it and let me know what you think. Here’s the link:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blameless-burden-scapegoating-in-dysfunctional-families-0130174

You’re not crazy. You didn’t cause the dysfunction. You can’t control them. You can’t fix them. They have been cruel to you.

 Please take good care of you.  

  L2T

[JNChell]

Hello, yamada. I’m glad that you posted this. It helps everyone involved in the conversation. Thank you for that. This unique dialogue does wonders.

"Look she was a nasty, manipulative , self centred, controlling, evil, relationship destroying,  trouble making, bitch before this and she is still trying to do it, only she is weakened and I just see it as nothing more than karma. I feel nothing. But I dont say that.

This is where we have to accept that most people won’t understand what we’ve been through. We understand here. Most doctors are in too much of a hurry to give a proper diagnosis. Also, personality disorders are a fairly new phenomenon amongst the psychological world. They don’t really know what to do yet. Therapies are in place, but they don’t know how to get these folks into therapy.

I want you to know that you have no obligation to help your abuser. The guilt is there, but it’s not your guilt. It was placed on you. Do what you think is right with that thought.

Interesting that my sister who lives far away says, they tell her I am doing all the wrong stuff.  So I ask them "is this true as we need to tweak what we are doing"   and they deny telling her anything.

This is triangulation and it’s mind bending. Are you familiar with the term? This is text, not face to face spoken words, but it seems like you are very stressed over all of this. Am I accurate on that?

Are personality disorders so in sightless that they believe everyone will agree with them even when the evidence shows the opposite. My sister says she is taking an AVO out on me because I am abusive.  She starts issues with passive aggressive provocation and bullying  and when I hold tight .I am abusive. Interesting how the word 'abuse" is abused by this type.

Personality disorders are very tricky to work with. What I’m learning here is that it’s best to learn how to deal with a disordered individual. I’m not there yet, but I’m seeing it. Senior members will give you great advice on how to start forming a communication template that will make things easier for you.

Yamada wrote: 

What I have to come to terms with it the non existence , the incapability and the reality of people who are supposed to have your back.  And their choice as well to chose my sister,. always over me. And the underlying fear that maybe I really am a bad person and abusive person and aggressive person who victimises these people and all this sudden inward looking is making me a selfish person ,
that it is all about me and then I realise that these three people are the only three who see me like this,. And in the process my parents have lost old friends and family however that they can fool people into believing my horribleness. Its almost paranoid and I know it comes from the brain beating of "everyone knows or thinks'
and my sisters relentless blame of me for "the 20 years of disruption of this family"
How powerful am I? All by myself I destroyed this family. Sadly my parents solicitor doesn't believe any of it . he has freaked out at all the secret spilling by me , Even the organising of will and POA. How did he get tricked. Because toxic people learn and know how to fool people.
What I dont like it the prejudgement of service providors. And I have to think of what to do... .let it go or  tell them to do thier job without the bias.

My parents were crappy as well, yamada. The important thing is finding a balance within yourself and moving away from the things that harm you. The guilt that you will feel isn’t yours. It’s being placed on you. Stay with us. We need all the people that understand that we can get. Much love and understanding.

[Learning2Thrive]

JNChell wrote:

The important thing is finding a balance within yourself and moving away from the things that harm you. The guilt that you will feel isn’t yours. It’s being placed on you. Stay with us. We need all the people that understand that we can get. Much love and understanding.

Yes, this. I especially thank Kwamima, Harri, Turkish, Wools, isilme, zachira, HappyChappy, JNChell and several others for their steadfast service in love, compassion and kindness for all of us.

You fit here, yamada. We care about you and you have the ability to help others too. There is forward progress and steps toward healing in this.

  L2T

[yamada]

Like the strong goat Aaron selected, the target of family scapegoating is also often the strongest and healthiest member of the family. nailed it. Just nailed it. My head is spinning reading this. My health is my honesty and transparency and decency.  My head is spinning. thanks you a. They need to bring me down so they feel better. I am not the rebel sheep. I just dont play the game and thats what the big fight has been about.  of course they say I am aggressive but they dont include it as a response to their agression.
I have been played very very badly.