I think my boyfriend has BPD, and I don't know how to handle it

[erdaniels23]

Hello all-

I'm sharing this in as sensitive a way as I can, but after about three years of an incredibly tumultuous relationship with my partner (who is diagnosed with bipolar, major depression, and anxiety) I have recently been conducting a lot of research because I am in desperate need of help. I stumbled across this site today, and I almost started crying. Reading the posts, symptoms, retelling of anecdotes, I realize there are other people out there who are going through what I am going through. I have felt for a long time that his diagnoses hasn't been right, that something else is going on, and that it has directly impacted our relationship.

When we first met, we were intensely involved very quickly. And it was great for a period of time. Then slowly, things started happening. It would start with abrupt mood swings. He would accuse me of talking to another man, or looking at him the wrong way; he'd punish me by ignoring me for days, or with kicking me out of the car on the highway, or making me leave his apartment without my cell phone at 3 am.

Then his paranoia really kicked into high gear. I am open, trusting, and honest by nature. But he would go through my phone at night. Once he found a flirty text a male friend sent me (which I ignored bc I am not a disloyal gf) and this just set him off. He screamed at me, called me evil, told me I have a "darkness" to me. Again ignored me. He always comes back, often crying, telling me he can't control his rage and he doesn't "understand what's wrong with him."

As his controlling behaviors got worse (he would tell me I couldn't go out without him because he doesnt trust me, he'd hack into my social media acounts, he'd get mad if I didnt text back right away, tell me he felt inferior to me) he also started having these "episodes" that he claims to "not remember" An example is that once he left a movie to use the restroom. When he didn't return after 20 minutes I got worried. I exited to the lobby to see him pinned up on the wall by three policemen, screaming that they were going to send him back to Mexico. 1. He's second generation and 2. apparently he saw a poster for a documentary that just set him off and he started screaming fire in the theater-causing management to call the police. I am not a mental health professional, but these episodes seemed dissociative to me. Every time one occurs, he has this glazed over look and claims he doesn't know what happened.

This past weekend everything boiled over and he kicked me out of his apartment at 4 AM in a relatively dangerous place. He believes I cheated on him, which I didn't, but he found a photo on my phone (I took a pic of my friend's weird haircut and he didn't have a shirt on in the photo) that no matter how much I explain, he will not accept. His anger was not rational, incredibly scary, and I feel like I am on a horrible emotional rollercoaster.

I've stayed with him, often to my personal detriment. I have been emotionally traumatized, I am becoming depressed, and I want to know whether 1. I can salvage this because I love him so much and 2. How to bring up to him that I feel he is misdiagnosed.

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[Radcliff]

Welcome to bpdfamily.  I'm sorry for the difficult and painful situation that you are in, but am glad you've found us.  This is a great place to come to be with others who understand, and to work on coping tools.  Thanks for giving us so much detail about what's going on.  Do you feel physically safe with him?  Do you have periods of relative calm and happiness, with bad episodes in between?  If so, how long are the calm periods, and how long does it take an episode to run its course?

RC

[erdaniels23]

Thanks @Radcliff-

I have only two times felt physically threatened, but he's never attempted to harm me.

We have had periods of calm and happiness.  Some years they've been longer, but when he's under stress, those happy times become shorter and shorter. So when he's irritable or anxious his mood swings can be hours or days long. When these episodes happen they aren't long lived-always less than a day.

However, the longer we're together, the more it seems his episodes are triggered by something "I've done."

For example, a month ago he texted me to tell me that he doesn't want to be together anymore. (we've been long distance for two years while he finishes school a few hours away, but he'll move back to my city in a month or two). He told me that because I was planning to visit a girlfriend of mine in Portland (a city we once discussed visiting together) that I was abandoning/hiding him. He then ignored me and blocked me on social media for three weeks. Didn't take my phone calls, etc. After two weeks of crying and calling and texting, my friends convinced me I couldn't just wait holed up in my room for him to "un-decide" to break up with me (he has broken up with me many times, only to un break up).  So I went and got a drink with one of my guy-friends. Nothing serious- but my partner's spidey senses must have gone off and he accused me of "looking outside the relationship" and freaked out again.

I try to explain to him that he pushes me away by saying "I never want to see you again", and it's not fair to do that to me because it's very confusing for me, but he makes me feel so bad, like it's my fault. I almost feel like he's gaslighting me, but when I try to explain my feelings, he tells me I am a master manipulator, which again makes me feel horrible.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup threats.  They are familiar to many members, and can be extremely painful.  It can also be terribly disorienting and upsetting when our partners define an alternative reality.  That's one of the benefits of becoming a regular here -- sharing your experiences with others who understand, and getting periodic "reality checks."

What are your plans when he moves back to your city?  Are you planning to move in together?  You mentioned that he's just getting out of school.  May I ask how old each of you are?

WW

[BasementDweller]

Hi, erdaniels23!  Welcome!

I am really sorry to hear you are going through this right now. I am currently posting mostly on the detaching board, because I left my diagnosed BPD ex in June. I really wanted to reach out to you though, and cross-post something I said on one of my own threads, because it is so relevant to your story.

It is astonishing to me how many of our stories are so similar. I've said this before, on many other threads, and I'll say it here too - it seems that no matter where on the globe our partners are from, or what their culture or nationality, the BPD has some core script elements that they all say. Most of the exact same accusations and catch phrases are used with so many!

Among some of the shocking things that my ex said to me that NOBODY has ever said to me, ever  were:

"There's something sinister about you."
"You have a dark side".
"You have a mental condition."
"You have destroyed me."
"You are evil."
"You make me feel inferior."
"I hate you."
"I never want to see you again."
"You're doing this to me."

And yes, he would withhold sex, love, affection, for days if I somehow slighted him. (I normally never knew what triggered it - it was all in his head.)

Then I'd hear,
"Leave me alone."
"Don't touch me."
"What do you care?" (If I tried to talk to him about any normal daily thing.)
"I don't love you anymore."
"I can't be in this relationship!"

Oh, and my favorite:

"We're incompatible!" (We SO were not.)

One day, in a rare moment of truth, he admitted WE were not incompatible. He admitted that HE was incompatible with any kind of happiness. Broke my heart - but it was the truth. He also blocked me on social media and my phone number at various times. So absurd and childish. I deleted all my social media accounts and told him he no longer had that as a tool of abuse anymore, so don't bother trying to block me. He wasn't thrilled at all about that. ;-) After multiple break-up threats, I chose to leave on my own. But by then he'd had a complete psychotic break and was unrecognizable to me. He wasn't even there anymore. He'd gone down the rabbit hole.

He was also envious of my educational background and fixated on the results of an IQ test I had, often insinuating that I intimidated him or made him feel inferior deliberately. (I would never. I didn't think that, and I would not do it.) I realize all these hurtful things they say and do like this stem from how they feel about themselves. It has nothing to do with us at all. They project it onto us as being the cause of their low feelings, but it's them who feel unloved, unworthy, inferior, bad, evil, dark - and they felt that way before we came along. We just get scapegoated for it. It's so sad, really. In a tragically ironic way.

I just wanted to say hang in there. You are not alone. The things he is saying about you are not true - at all. He's projecting his own negative feelings and fears onto you, and this is what BPD looks like and presents like. It's textbook.

Have you had a chance to peruse any of the tools on this board? The ones about ending conflict and validation are a really good start.

How do you respond when he goes off the rails?

[erdaniels23]

These posts have been so helpful for me. I feel like I'm reading scripts of the last three years of my life.  Never in any other relationship has someone told me:

- This relationship is unhealthy for me
- You have a darkness
- You are not healthy for me
- You're doing this to me
- You don't have to worry about me anymore
- I never loved you

To Answer @Radcliff: 1- I am 27 and he is 26.  I just finished graduate school and he is completing undergrad (he took some time off).  We do not have any plans for when he moves back. One of his huge issues with me is that I do not share with my family that we're together. It drives him insane, and he feels that I am ashamed. This is not true. The reason is that he cheated on me multiple times and once accused me of giving me an STD (which I did not do, it was a rash he picked up from the gym and I had a doctor confirm this by paying for BOTH OF US to get STD tests), and my parents informed me they would not accept me if I stayed with him, because they saw how poorly he was treating me.  I had a long conversation with him about this and just asked that he give it a year to settle down before I reintroduced him to them. I let him know that this decision was one that aimed to help us in the long run, as I am particularly close to my family. While he understood at first, he uses it against me when he gets irritable or upset with me.

In response to @BasementDweller:

I will admit the first few times he flew off the rails, I was so shocked and didn't understand what was happening. I am extremely communicative and I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so I am a big crier. He hates when I cry, it almost makes him angrier? But nevertheless, when he'd leave, or go through MY phone, I always ended up as the one crying, begging him to stay.  I think at some point, because I am such an empath, that I started really being able to feel him. For example, I could tell, even if we hadn't seen each other in a few days, if something was wrong. It feels like we're connected. I at this point understand that that's codependancy- something else I never struggled with until I met him.  

Since then, I've learned to some extent to just leave him alone when he needs space, but my attachment style is very different, so it's very difficult for me to do that.  I like to talk and solve problems as they arise, so I typically try to contact him for a few days when he's giving me the silent treatment before I ease up.  If he's not blocking me he will read my texts and open snapchats, but will not respond. To me, that feels like a power move.  

The thing I really worry about is the cyclical nature. He is not diagnosed with BPD. He is diagnosed with anxiety, depression and bipolar by a campus counselor like 6 years ago who, upon meeting, did not strike me as particularly nuanced in her practice. After reading these posts I find that there are so many symptoms he demonstrates that are so aligned with BPD. How do I tell him I think he needs to be evaluated again? I feel like this is getting very very bad.

[Radcliff]

First, congratulations on finishing grad school!  It's wonderful to have that accomplishment under your belt!

What are your thoughts about living with him versus living separately when he comes to your city?

The coping tools you can learn here can make a big difference.  They work by changing your behavior, not his.  Take a look at this page on What Does It Take To Be In a BPD Relationship?  Are you willing to start learning some coping tools?  We can walk with you on the journey.

RC