Please help me profile this type of nasty person

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all.

There's a subset of co-worker, at any job, who will treat you badly, but will back down when you prove your worth or you confront them. I've successfully chilled out almost all of them at my new job, but I need a little help getting inside the heads of this type of person, because more are definitely waiting on the sidelines.

You'll need examples.

I was hired with the title of seasonal bartender, thinking I would tend bar. But in a surprise twist, "bartenders" at the resort I work at also handle 1) All the drinks for all the dining rooms and 2) All the food for all the bars and lounges. Newbies put in their time as... .well... .human dumbwaiters. Food and drink runners, who are actually lower on the totem pole than waiter-assistants and barbacks. So there are a lot of passive-aggressive jabs, creatively snide comments and even shoot-the-messenger yelling.

I've won over about three-quarters of the wait staff and veteran bartenders through politeness, speed, empathy and extra effort. I've had to pull others aside for talks. On the extreme side, one was trying to psychologically torture me, and the other two yelled at me in front of guests. For all three of these extreme episodes, I ended up in a manager's office for a Dilbert-type scolding, as I twitched through the cognitive dissonance.

For those three... .1) The torturer also got scolded and has since calmed down. 2) I got up in the guy's face, and the next night, he thanked me for my help. 3) This guy swears a lot, so I apologized to him and unleashed a string of four-letter words to describe people he hates. We're good now.

THE QUESTIONS
Could it be more than people testing the new guy? Or more than using the grunt as a whipping boy? Or more than a group of bitter/insecure/etc people who hate their jobs while facing few consequences for any of their unsavory actions? Obviously when they find out I'm good at my job and/or not going to put up with their nonsense, they back down. When dealing with people like this, there must be something else at play here that I'm overlooking.

I'm not trying to link a DSM diagnosis to anyone. Something simpler than that, but more than "Yeah, people are just horrible to each other."  

If you're wondering why I'm digging this deep, it's because I have embraced learning about the psychological side of people due to the crushing challenge of being married to someone with BPD.

Thanks.

[NGU]

Hi all.

There's a subset of co-worker, at any job, who will treat you badly, but will back down when you prove your worth or you confront them. I've successfully chilled out almost all of them at my new job, but I need a little help getting inside the heads of this type of person, because more are definitely waiting on the sidelines.

You'll need examples.

I was hired with the title of seasonal bartender, thinking I would tend bar. But in a surprise twist, "bartenders" at the resort I work at also handle 1) All the drinks for all the dining rooms and 2) All the food for all the bars and lounges. Newbies put in their time as... .well... .human dumbwaiters. Food and drink runners, who are actually lower on the totem pole than waiter-assistants and barbacks. So there are a lot of passive-aggressive jabs, creatively snide comments and even shoot-the-messenger yelling.

I've won over about three-quarters of the wait staff and veteran bartenders through politeness, speed, empathy and extra effort. I've had to pull others aside for talks. On the extreme side, one was trying to psychologically torture me, and the other two yelled at me in front of guests. For all three of these extreme episodes, I ended up in a manager's office for a Dilbert-type scolding, as I twitched through the cognitive dissonance.

For those three... .1) The torturer also got scolded and has since calmed down. 2) I got up in the guy's face, and the next night, he thanked me for my help. 3) This guy swears a lot, so I apologized to him and unleashed a string of four-letter words to describe people he hates. We're good now.

THE QUESTIONS
Could it be more than people testing the new guy? Or more than using the grunt as a whipping boy? Or more than a group of bitter/insecure/etc people who hate their jobs while facing few consequences for any of their unsavory actions? Obviously when they find out I'm good at my job and/or not going to put up with their nonsense, they back down. When dealing with people like this, there must be something else at play here that I'm overlooking.

I'm not trying to link a DSM diagnosis to anyone. Something simpler than that, but more than "Yeah, people are just horrible to each other."  

If you're wondering why I'm digging this deep, it's because I have embraced learning about the psychological side of people due to the crushing challenge of being married to someone with BPD.

Thanks.

[zachira]

What you are asking is very difficult to answer. There is a term known as "splitting" which means we see very different sides of a person at different times, and when there is "splitting", the differences are very extreme, and can be quite opposite, like for long periods of time a person seems to really care about another, and then this same person starts to hate the person he/she supposedly loves. "Spitting" comes from growing up in an unsafe environment, where the primary caretakers behaviors are unpredictable and scary for the children. In extreme cases, a person is so split that they have multiple personalities in which one personality acts without the awareness of the others.
The best way to deal with "splitting" is to become a more integrated person, who is the same kind, caring person with integrity no matter what the situation. There are many people who grow up with parents who value their children for who they are, and do not use their children to take care of the parents. The children develop what is know as "secure attachment" which allows them to develop healthy caring relationships. Those of us who grow up in unhealthy families, can develop "secure attachment" through lots of self awareness and surrounding ourselves with people who have "secure attachment".
I am afraid I have not been able to answer your question. Hopefully, what I have written may be of some use to you, in understanding why we can't ever fully understand really why people can act so badly. It is much easier to understand people with "secure attachment". Let us know what you are thinking, as we are all learning from each other on this site.

[once removed]

which of the three are you asking about, or are you asking about all of them?

[NGU]

which of the three are you asking about, or are you asking about all of them?

Just the general mindset of a workplace bully. I added a few possibilities directly under "The Questions." Want to make sure I'm not missing any.

I put this in "Stump the Experts" because it's not actually based off my marriage/relationship. Still not in the mindset to tackle that recent drama.

[once removed]

I put this in "Stump the Experts" because it's not actually based off my marriage/relationship. Still not in the mindset to tackle that recent drama.

this is the place to learn more about people, ourselves, and human nature.

the question isnt clear to me. are you wondering their motivations? what their personality style might be?

I'm not trying to link a DSM diagnosis to anyone. Something simpler than that, but more than "Yeah, people are just horrible to each other." 

i hope this isnt the answer youre trying to avoid, but the fact is 30% of the population, at any given time, has a form of mental illness, whether it be a personality disorder, mood disorder, substance abuse disorder, etc.

far more than that have traits of PDs, or other sensitivities, or are just difficult people with difficult personalities... .bossiness, bad boundaries, poor filters, or are otherwise jerks.

if you get into bowens family systems theory, youll realize this stuff is everywhere, and can get more prominent in groups... .your church, your workplace, your school, your family. it is unavoidable. you need tools and skills to navigate.

so certainly... .

but will back down when you prove your worth or you confront them.

this is one approach, and with certain personality styles, will work. i had a really bossy overbearing guy in my church band who was always telling everyone else how to play their instrument, interrupting the director, starting drama behind the scenes. that style grates on mine, big time. the director handled him just fine. we stopped hanging out backstage, unfortunate, but no more drama. and when he tried to tell me what/when to play, i essentially told him no thanks, ill do it my way; ill bet he mouthed off about me when i left the room, but he never did it again and we get along great.

sometimes its as simple as that. different skills and tools work with different types. a pwBPD traits or style might have felt really rejected by me when they were only trying to help, so i might have used a different approach.

does this help? are you looking for something more specific?

[NGU]

does this help? are you looking for something more specific?

My wife said some things this morning, so I'm going to have to start a new thread for that.

For this, I will mentally add what you guys wrote, including Bowen.

To move on from coworkers, I am going to go with... .
"They have an inflated sense of self-worth and a lack of perspective."

Thanks.