Really Hard to Keep Going

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm not sure if this belongs on this forum or under the law and custody forum.

I think of myself as pretty strong, and yet there are days when I don't know how to get out of bed, take a shower, and get going.

Since my STBX left a year ago, I have had to deal with that grief, deal with having absolutely no money coming in, the humiliation of applying for food stamps, euthanizing two dogs, and now as I'm sliding into home, so to speak, I don't know how to keep going.

My L is not responding to emails. She sent me a bill for $7200, asking for me to pay $2500.

I'd asked that money be put into the interim award, so I could pay legal fees. She told me I couldn't do that.

I also thought she was billing my FIL. They are the ones with money. $2500 is such a paltry amount for them to pay, as is $7200.

Instead of looking at this situation clearly, what it brings up for are all the years I raised my kids on student loans, financial aid, and food stamps.

I'd gotten out of that situation and was doing okay for myself--middle class, tract home--and then I met my STBX.

Mega rich. So rich that, for me, it was a turn-off. I figured he'd be spoiled, I wondered what kind of artist he could possibly be if he'd never scrounged for survival.

And yet I married him. I married him because I loved him, I worried about him, and I thought I could help him.

During that marriage, I lived on a more in a month than I had in a year when I was raising my kids.

I became accustomed to living a lifestyle of the upper middle class. Got accustomed not to worrying about money.

And here I am, now, unable to pay $2500, let alone $7200, and trying to get a loan.

My credit has never been above fair. This past year has brought it down to poor.

The worst thing about this, and why it makes it so  hard to get out of bed, get showered, get my day started is that it makes me feel deeply ashamed.

Shame is the hardest emotion for me to deal with.

This divorce has catapulted me back to when I was 14, the summer my mother died. I am hyper vigilant, worried, and distracted. And ashamed.

I was 14 when my mom died. Really young. Just becoming aware of sexuality, and she died of colon cancer. There was shame in telling kids at school what she'd died from.

I know I'm not 14, but I am feeling abandoned the way I had back then. My dad, technically my stepdad, couldn't handle having so many children (7 of us), so he stopped coming home in any meaningful way about 10 days after my mother died.

He was an alcoholic, and there were nights--school nights--when he didn't come home at all.

Adults were not trustworthy for me. Now I'm dealing with people in authority (lawyers, doctors, etc) are not trustworthy.

And I am now feeling abandoned by my L.

What I need to do, and it's just so hard, is take a deep breath, get money together somehow, and either give her $2500 or ask a new L to step in.

Really, what I need to do is keep working to prevent myself to sliding back some 50 years to that 14-year-old girl.

Not sure what I need from anyone, just needed to put all this down and know someone would read it.

TMD

[toomanydogs]

I'm not sure if this belongs on this forum or under the law and custody forum.

I think of myself as pretty strong, and yet there are days when I don't know how to get out of bed, take a shower, and get going.

Since my STBX left a year ago, I have had to deal with that grief, deal with having absolutely no money coming in, the humiliation of applying for food stamps, euthanizing two dogs, and now as I'm sliding into home, so to speak, I don't know how to keep going.

My L is not responding to emails. She sent me a bill for $7200, asking for me to pay $2500.

I'd asked that money be put into the interim award, so I could pay legal fees. She told me I couldn't do that.

I also thought she was billing my FIL. They are the ones with money. $2500 is such a paltry amount for them to pay, as is $7200.

Instead of looking at this situation clearly, what it brings up for are all the years I raised my kids on student loans, financial aid, and food stamps.

I'd gotten out of that situation and was doing okay for myself--middle class, tract home--and then I met my STBX.

Mega rich. So rich that, for me, it was a turn-off. I figured he'd be spoiled, I wondered what kind of artist he could possibly be if he'd never scrounged for survival.

And yet I married him. I married him because I loved him, I worried about him, and I thought I could help him.

During that marriage, I lived on a more in a month than I had in a year when I was raising my kids.

I became accustomed to living a lifestyle of the upper middle class. Got accustomed not to worrying about money.

And here I am, now, unable to pay $2500, let alone $7200, and trying to get a loan.

My credit has never been above fair. This past year has brought it down to poor.

The worst thing about this, and why it makes it so  hard to get out of bed, get showered, get my day started is that it makes me feel deeply ashamed.

Shame is the hardest emotion for me to deal with.

This divorce has catapulted me back to when I was 14, the summer my mother died. I am hyper vigilant, worried, and distracted. And ashamed.

I was 14 when my mom died. Really young. Just becoming aware of sexuality, and she died of colon cancer. There was shame in telling kids at school what she'd died from.

I know I'm not 14, but I am feeling abandoned the way I had back then. My dad, technically my stepdad, couldn't handle having so many children (7 of us), so he stopped coming home in any meaningful way about 10 days after my mother died.

He was an alcoholic, and there were nights--school nights--when he didn't come home at all.

Adults were not trustworthy for me. Now I'm dealing with people in authority (lawyers, doctors, etc) are not trustworthy.

And I am now feeling abandoned by my L.

What I need to do, and it's just so hard, is take a deep breath, get money together somehow, and either give her $2500 or ask a new L to step in.

Really, what I need to do is keep working to prevent myself to sliding back some 50 years to that 14-year-old girl.

Not sure what I need from anyone, just needed to put all this down and know someone would read it.

TMD

[mama-wolf]

TMD, I am sending you hugs and want you to know that you are not alone!   I know this is a very difficult time, and understand how the shame and sheer exhaustion of it all make it hard to get out of bed.

You will get through this.  I have seen in your previous posts what a strong and resourceful person you are.  I know it may not feel that way... .I have gotten similar comments and want to deny and reject them almost immediately, but I try to remind myself that others tend to see things that we struggle to see while we're in the thick of a situation.  You don't deserve the treatment you're getting in general, and you have every right to expect a response from your L.  I understand they need to get paid, but $2500 is no small sum for most of us!   Maybe it will show good faith and get your L to be more responsive if you make even a small payment of $100 a week (or something like that)?

I will try to write more later, but really wanted you to know we're here!

mw

[Lostinthedesert]

I want to lend my support as well and understanding of how it is hard to separate out that 14 year old girl who lost her momma from the adult you now.  I also lost my mother at age 11, and same story with father who didn't handle it so well and went of at night drinking and looking for other women.  What really helped me was to think of now taking that little girl in my arms and really letting her know that I will not abandon her and I will protect her.  I think of it as standing up for her (myself) so the little girl needs get met and that allows me to remember that I am capable now of doing whatever it takes to get through this.  I hope that helps a bit... .all those old wounds so complicate what is happening to us now.  I also downloaded an app called insight timer that has wonderful guided meditations that I listen to each night to help me get to that early wounding and revise the bad programming from it.  You are not alone!

[31yrs BPD spouse]

I was married to a BPD and narcissistic for 31 years. She never worked a day in her life. I sweated and work very hard to provide for our lifestyle and three kids -- private school and colleges, etc. August 13 lost our 6,470 square foot house of 15 years to the bank, about $3.2mm -- $1mm equity all gone. Tried to sell it but couldn't after a year and a half. Now I have am financially upside down and going through a divorce with a BPD who calls me names like I am worse then an infidel if I don't provide?

For me, I am taking responsibility for my life. I am setting clear boundaries for my BPD wife and not responding to her continue attacks. She has an attorney, I do not at this point because I want to negotiate my own deal and I HATE ATTORNEYS.

I have tremendous anger and bitterness and in order for me to work through it, I am seeking counseling, and older mentors, whome I meet with and they follow up with me. They provide guidance and direction and they are available 24/7.

I would encourage you to seek out counseling and find or seek out an older mature woman who you can trust and meet with? For counseling, I am sure there are FREE services for your situation. I know where I live, there are free counseling services.

Today, my wife attacked me and I laid in bed all afternoon; which is bad because I have a lot business I need to care for.

I take care of my wife and her apartment with my 28 year old son; I pay for my daughters apartment and support her who is 30 years old and I have an apartment and office. I went from a 6,470 square foot house with an entertainment room, gym, office, library to a 577 square foot studio! But I am free of the BPD.

So you have to figure out what you can do to care for yourself -- exercise, whatever to be healthy.

I cannot control your ex but you can establish boundaries and have self respect and care for yourself. Blessings.

[toomanydogs]

I was married to a BPD and narcissistic for 31 years. She never worked a day in her life. I sweated and work very hard to provide for our lifestyle and three kids -- private school and colleges, etc. August 13 lost our 6,470 square foot house of 15 years to the bank, about $3.2mm -- $1mm equity all gone. Tried to sell it but couldn't after a year and a half. Now I have am financially upside down and going through a divorce with a BPD who calls me names like I am worse then an infidel if I don't provide?

My heart aches for you. I know that in the larger scheme of things, material possessions are not the be-all and end-all of life; however, to have such a financial fallout is hard.
I am financially upside down because 1) I was cut off from any kind of support for six months; 2) I paid attorney's fees on my credit card; and 3) I'm not very good at establishing and living on a budget.
In my life, I have been very very very poor--living on student aid and food stamps, and I have been very very comfortable, living on my husband's trust.
Now I'm somewhere in between and not doing such a bang-up job of it.

She has an attorney, I do not at this point because I want to negotiate my own deal and I HATE ATTORNEYS.

I am not overly fond of attorneys either, yet my husband's family is rich and has bullied me, and the case is complicated.

... .I am seeking counseling, and older mentors, whome I meet with and they follow up with me.

What are "older mentors?" (Not sure there's anyone older than I am. Not these days.   )

I would encourage you to seek out counseling

I have a therapist, and because of my early life, I've been in and out of therapy for some 40 years. The accumulated trauma of my childhood resulted in emotional damage.

Today, my wife attacked me and I laid in bed all afternoon; which is bad because I have a lot business I need to care for.

Are you still married?

Blessings.

Thank you, 31yrs.
I hope your life situation improves, and I'm glad you're establishing boundaries.
TMD

[toomanydogs]

TMD, I am sending you hugs and want you to know that you are not alone!   I know this is a very difficult time, and understand how the shame and sheer exhaustion of it all make it hard to get out of bed.

You will get through this.  I have seen in your previous posts what a strong and resourceful person you are.  I know it may not feel that way... .I have gotten similar comments and want to deny and reject them almost immediately, but I try to remind myself that others tend to see things that we struggle to see while we're in the thick of a situation.  You don't deserve the treatment you're getting in general, and you have every right to expect a response from your L.  I understand they need to get paid, but $2500 is no small sum for most of us!   Maybe it will show good faith and get your L to be more responsive if you make even a small payment of $100 a week (or something like that)?

I will try to write more later, but really wanted you to know we're here!

mw

Thank you, mama-wolf

Yesterday was really hard for me. It means a lot that you reached out.

I met with my T yesterday and spent a lot of the time crying. I was back to being that 14-year-old whose mother had died. With T's help and the response I got here, I was able to get back to being the grown-up, old lady I actually am. 

And what I realized was that I was hiding the way I'd done when I was 14. When I was 14, I literally hid from going to school, taking part in any activities, and I hid when I was 5, as well, so I wouldn't have to go to kindergarten.

Yesterday, I realized I was hiding from the lawyer mess, and I need to go back over the emails and phone conversations and get in touch with L to see if she's still representing me.

If not, I'll either need a loan, or I'll need to go pro se. Given the financial complexity of the case, going pro se is not a very good idea.

Thank you, mama-wolf, for reaching out and reminding me that I'm strong. The thing about strength is sometimes people (and I'm one of them) derive their strength by going through some of the most gut-wrenching emotions. It's the working through that results in strength for me, but when I'm doing the working through it most definitely does not feel like I'm strong, so thank you.
 
TMD

[toomanydogs]

I want to lend my support as well and understanding of how it is hard to separate out that 14 year old girl who lost her momma from the adult you now.  I also lost my mother at age 11, and same story with father who didn't handle it so well and went of at night drinking and looking for other women.  What really helped me was to think of now taking that little girl in my arms and really letting her know that I will not abandon her and I will protect her.  I think of it as standing up for her (myself) so the little girl needs get met and that allows me to remember that I am capable now of doing whatever it takes to get through this.  I hope that helps a bit... .all those old wounds so complicate what is happening to us now.  I also downloaded an app called insight timer that has wonderful guided meditations that I listen to each night to help me get to that early wounding and revise the bad programming from it.  You are not alone!

Thank you, Lostinthedesert!

I actually mentioned you when I met with my T yesterday. She asked me what I needed to do with that 14-year-old, what I needed to say so she didn't feel so alone.

And I wasn't sure at first. I mentioned what you had written me, and how I knew that I needed to reach back in time to help that girl, and what I came up with was what that 14-year-old had wanted: To be a writer.

And along the way I got off track. No, that's not exactly true. Along the way, I focused on survival--emotional and physical. And when a person is focusing on survival, it's difficult to accomplish those other loftier goals.

The biggest gift I can give that girl is to focus on my writing, take care of my finances, and trust that, regardless of what happens, I will be okay.

I'm not 14 anymore. I am an adult with resources and knowledge. I can help that little girl move forward.

And, I am so sorry you lost your mother at 11 and your dad wasn't around. I continue to be amazed at the level of emotional damage losing a parent at such a young age can cause.

Kids need their parents. They shouldn't, and really can't, raise themselves.

Thank you again, Lostinthedesert,  

TMD

[formflier]

TMD,


   

Be extra kind to yourself.  Take things one step at a time.

We are rooting for you!

FF

[31yrs BPD spouse]

We separated beginning in July. We are proceeding with a divorce.

I have two spiritual mentors: One is 80 years been married three times and I have known for over 20 years. He provides excellent guidance and support. My other mentor is 71 years old and is also very smart and provides a ton of support. e.g. he makes sure I am not suicidal, he texts me daily to ascertain how I am doing -- provides web pages and sites on BPD and narcissistic issues, etc. Also both of them ALWAYS TELL ME THE SAME THING -- DON'T RESPOND TO HER TEXTS DON'T TALK TO HER, ETC. Its difficult after 31 years to ignore your spouse. But if they are mentally ill, then you sort of have no choice.

I hope you can find the right people in your life to connect with who will provide moral and spiritual support DAILY. Blessings.

[toomanydogs]

TMD,


   

Be extra kind to yourself.  Take things one step at a time.

We are rooting for you!

FF

Thank you, FF!
This forum means the world to me. It is the link to reality.
I'm about to start a new thread because I heard from my lawyer. All is okay. She told me to think about discovery, so I need to ask for advice from everyone.
I've been going back through all your posts to get a better feel for what you're facing. You sound very strong and very clear-headed, and I am pulling for you.   
TMD

[formflier]

I appreciate the kind words. 

Honestly there is an bit of "fake it till you make it" in my "apparent strength" 

I feel as though I've thought through the path I'm going to take in life... .I'm going to walk that path.  Other people (including my wife) will have all sorts of opinions and feelings about said path.  Part of me "thinking it through" is that I'm going to walk my path, regardless of the opinions, threats and tactics of others.

I'll get the results I get... .and I feel confident that I'll sit on my front porch and enjoy many a sunset... tell many a story.  I do hope that my wife decides to be there in that picture and I'm certainly not arguing that my choices won't "influence" her in positive and negative ways.

That being said... .it's really her choice... .and I've got mine. 

Hopefully that made sense.

Big picture... .the more discovery for you... the better. 

FF

[Lostinthedesert]

Good to hear that things are going in a better direction with your lawyer, TMD!  Yes, losing a parent at a young age is a game changer.  My Sister and I had a phrase that describes the grief you will carry for the rest of your life, "The Big Sad."   It is why trying to move on from a relationship with a BPD or any other toxic person is just that much more challenging... .it lays you open to reliving the most devastating abandonment of you life.   I am rooting for you and everyone here!

[MeandThee29]

Thank you, FF!
This forum means the world to me. It is the link to reality.
I'm about to start a new thread because I heard from my lawyer. All is okay. She told me to think about discovery, so I need to ask for advice from everyone.
I've been going back through all your posts to get a better feel for what you're facing. You sound very strong and very clear-headed, and I am pulling for you.   
TMD

I'm glad you're doing better. I saw this thread and didn't have time to reply, but I was thinking of you.

You're going to have some gut-punched days, but it sounds like it's a little better now. It's OK to struggle. You're human.