Mania has graduated to psychosis

[jsgirl360]

Since being out of work due to surgery (nearly 2 months), husband's mental health continues to deteriorate.

He is again sleeping very little.  Eating only sporadically but binging when he does.  The past few days he's been spending a lot of money. He gambled a good amount at the casino.  He's been on an online shopping spree (which I'm not paying for).

I'm beginning to notice more irrational behavior. The administrator from his job called and left a message that sounded like a routine check-in.  Husband became paranoid and demanded that if anyone call me looking for him, I tell them I don't know where he is. I'm also instructed to tell people that his sister brought his phone to another state and won't be back for 2 weeks.

He has a few acquaintances from his job that have attempted to check up on him via text and Facebook messenger.  Anytime he gets a message from someone he becomes paranoid and freaks out.  Also I have to be very hypervigilant of what I say around him, as he has been twisting everything and using it as reason for dysregulation.

He has been very controlling,  trying to micromanage everything that goes on in the house. Including anything me or the kids eat... .he only wants us eating food that was prepared by him. (I rebel by eating takeout on the way to work)

I suspect this behavior is somehow rooted in his desire not to return to work. He is physically healed from the surgery.  He has been climbing,  fishing, taking apart the whole house, moving furniture.  He has doctor's appointment coming up and seems worried the doctor will clear him for work.

I know he plans to put on a show at the doctor's, limping in there and complaining of massive pain. The doctor seems pretty lenient,  and will most likely sign him out of work as long as he asks.

I'm trying to come to terms with the reality that he might not be going back to work.  While being on a routine and having the responsibility was good for his mental health, he was just barely holding it together.  Having this amount of unstructured time was enough to push him into mania/psychosis.

Even though it's hard, I have to realize that his experience of going to work is much different than my own.  While his job doesn't entail as much responsibility as mine, the process of interacting with people is difficult enough for him. Not only does he have to do his job, but he has the constant noise in his head... .telling him... "this person doesn't like you"... .and...   "that person is talking about you".

It's difficult for me to deal with because it's a huge change for whole family.  The kids are stressed too; they show it through their behaviors.  He refuses psychiatric treatment,  so we have to just deal with his freak-outs. Aside from his behavior,  by the end of the year he will have used all his time and therefore have no income.  I make enough to take care of household expenses and kids.

He uses his paycheck for his own expenses... .including thousands of dollars in credit card debt and supporting his 34-year-old son, also BPD. I refuse to pay for either of those, so not sure what will happen.

[jsgirl360]

I wanted to add that this is the 2nd psychotic episode for him (that I know of). The first came when I was pregnant with our second child. He became paranoid and delusional regarding close family friends.  Really bizarre delusions... .that their teenage daughter was trying to have sex with our 2-year-old son. Needless to say, we lost those people as friends. 

When I spoke out against those delusions,  he accused me of "not having his back" and nearly walked out on the marriage.  Looking back,  I wish I had not begged him to stay.

[formflier]

Will you take him to the doctor office for the checkup?

I can't imagine any good outcome without the doctor having the knowledge of what is going .

FF

[Cat Familiar]

jsgirl360,
Wow. So sorry that it has come to this.   

I figured my husband wasn't telling his doctor, who was prescribing him opioids and sleeping pills, what exactly he was doing with these prescriptions--namely drinking massive amounts of alcohol and using the sleeping pills early in the evening for a recreational high. I was concerned that I'd find him cold, dead and blue one morning, when he hadn't gotten up by noon. (We sleep in different areas.) She was very open to hearing what I was saying and was alarmed at how much he was drinking. Fortunately he's no longer taking opioids and IDK about the sleeping pills, but I think he's tried to quit them somewhat, and his alcohol use has dropped considerably.

Would you be willing to speak to his doctor about his mental health issues related to not working?

Cat

[jsgirl360]

Hi FF

I don't think he will allow me to accompany him for the check-up.  He doesn't want my mouth to drop in front of the doctor while he describes his grave state of illness.

My only prayer would be the medical doctor would sense something "off" about his psychiatric presentation and feel obligated to act on it. This outcome is highly unlikely.  I've noticed that most medical doctors have little knowledge of psychiatric conditions.  Just an example: when my mother went to the doctor with "foot pain" with no medical explanation,  the doctor breezily wrote her a prescription for 30 Vicodins.  She ended up taking one, and became scared/shocked from how it made her feel. If she was a substance abuser, the outcome could have been way worse.

Cat... .
I'm sure that must have been stressful, dealing with your husband's substance abuse. Did he allow you to join him for the appointment, or did you have to call the doctor independently?

Last night he shut the door on me forcefully.  I know he feels no remorse.  Usually on a Friday night, I would take him out to a restaurant.  Not tonight, not after that behavior.  I don't think he has enough insight to identify cause and effect from his behavior (he shuts the door on me, I don't want to go out with him). However,  I'm learning that people who feel no remorse can still experience consequences.

I'm in a state of despair right now. I feel like all the energy has been literally sucked out of my body.  There is no end in sight. He isn't going anywhere.

[Cat Familiar]

I was at my appointment with our family practitioner when I spoke of his substance abuse. She pulled up his records on her computer while I was there and checked how frequently he was refilling the prescriptions. When it wasn't more often than she suspected, she asked me if he had seen someone else for more drugs. He hadn't as far as I knew, so she felt relieved that he was staying within the parameters, other than drinking excessively.

I'd certainly alert his doctor again if need be, and since we no longer have the same doctor, I'd either call or write to his new doctor, or even make my own appointment to see her. And he didn't switch because he was unhappy with the previous doc, he just decided that he wanted a concierge doctor that he could see more frequently. But after my talk with her, he suddenly had to go for regular appointments to monitor his restricted prescription usage.

You sound really down, jsgirl360. I understand how hopeful you are about him returning to work ASAP.   

[formflier]

Hi FF

I don't think he will allow me to accompany him for the check-up.  He doesn't want my mouth to drop in front of the doctor while he describes his grave state of illness.
 

I suggest this is a decision point for you.

Either you are on his "medical team"... or you are not.  You'll respect his decision either way.

Note... .if you are off the team... .you aren't providing him care anymore.  If you are on his team... .you provide care and have conversations with docs.

How do you think he would respond to you assuming this "stance"?

FF

[jsgirl360]

Cat... .

Thanks for your response. And yes,  I have been really down. His doctor's appointment is at the end of the week. He's already acting in ways that are leading up to asking for an extension of time off. He took out his knee brace (which he hasn't worn since the surgery), tried it on, and is suddenly walking around with it. Apparently getting ready for his grand entrance at the doctors office.  ;)

I'm not sure I can influence this doctor much. He seems pretty liberal regarding what he gives his patients. Basically,  "just give me the paperwork and I'll sign, no matter what it says." I have a feeling he would continue to sign him out indefinitely.  I'm sure the doctor senses there is something "off"... .as BPDh claims to be in so much discomfort but declines medication or treatment... .solely wanting extra time off work.

I'm just so tired of him being home. I get out of work in the morning,  and I feel like I'm walking into a college dorm.  If he snacks or has a bottle of water, he will just throw the garbage onto the floor wherever he happens to be sitting. He stays up all night on the internet.  So by the time I get home, he's angry that he has to get out of bed and help the kids get ready for school (when he's working my mother will do that... .with much less drama).

Hi FF... .

I don't feel like I can be on his "team" anymore.  I know he's not being truthful and manipulating those around him. I don't agree with his goals, which appear to involve a permanent disability from work. From what I've experienced,  I can't see this being a healthy decision for him or the rest of the family.

I think he would be fine with this stance, as long as things go his way. I'll listen and give validation to his points,  but that is all.

[snowglobe]

Dear @jsgirl360,
I’m so sorry you feel overwhelmed and manipuled by your BPD husband. It takes a lot of empathy and understanding of the mental illness to support someone who is trying to abuse both, the system and your trust. I can see how you are concerned that he is trying to use his prosedure as “get out of jail free” card. It’s also understandable, Given the troubles you described, he had at work.
I’ve been in similar predicament many times, he hated his work, so he went into hiding at home. With little to do he would concentrate on straightening “us” (me and the kids) our. Which in its turn wasn’t making us too happy. I struggle with allowing my uBPDh to fail, anticipating every step for him. We’ve been through this road before. Bankruptcy, impulse decision making, unreasonable spendings, mood swings, despair and depression after making all of the above mentioned shaped a robotic response at automatically saving him, and subsequently myself and the children from his BPD. From what I gathered, you aren’t dependent on his income. Have you spoken about his plans should he be granted permanent disability? It could also be a potential path for a career change?.

[AskingWhy]

Cat... .

Thanks for your response. And yes,  I have been really down. His doctor's appointment is at the end of the week. He's already acting in ways that are leading up to asking for an extension of time off. He took out his knee brace (which he hasn't worn since the surgery), tried it on, and is suddenly walking around with it. Apparently getting ready for his grand entrance at the doctors office.  ;)

pwBPD are complete chameleons, aren't they?  My uBPD/uNPD H can so totally do a 180 in a second.  Right now one of his BPD children is really into a streaming drama, so what does H do?  He starts tuning in to see the drama so he can talk to her about it.   This is not something H would watch on his own.

H has no idea who he is and he can shape-shift depending on who he is with.  

As you noted, it appears you H is ready to put on a performance for the doctor.  BTW, malingering is against the law if your H is drawing any sort of insurance or disability claim.  Ditto for permanent disability.

It's a shame your doctor is not interested in the psychosocial aspect of your H's health.  

Your H appears to be reverting to a teenager, too. My H is also the same.  When he is around friends, his attention span disappears.  He will throw an open bag of nuts into a drawer without closing it.  Result?  I pick it up and a bagful of nuts cascades onto the floor.

[jsgirl360]

Snowglobe... .

Thanks for your reply.  I try to have empathy for my husband and realize that his experience of going to work is much different than my own.  Interacting with people and having to regulate his mood is draining and exhausting to him.  Still, I feel that his working is healthier for everyone involved.  Healthier for him because he gets that practice of controlling himself.  And healthier for the rest of the family because we get a much needed break from BPD.

My husband is also going into "hiding" at home... .literally.  He seems to be at the point of paranoia.  He refuses to return any phone calls to work. Just yesterday he blocked everyone on Facebook with any connection to his workplace.  He knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't want anyone to catch on that he's physically healed. 

The unstructured time doesn't do him well. He spends it trying to micromanage everything that goes on in the house. I'm scrutinized every time I leave the house and have to explain exactly where I'm going.   I'm questioned if I take even 10 minutes too long at the grocery store. I sure miss my freedom.  He also micromanages other things, like controlling everything me and the kids eat. He throws out any food that's not prepared or purchased by him.

No, I'm not dependent on his income.  I make 2-3 times more than he does, which is another reason he feels he shouldn't have to work. I pay the household bills.  However,  I don't pay his credit card or support his adult sons. That is what keeps him working.  Again,  I feel it's important for him to work. Endless unstructured time is unhealthy for him, but he just doesn't see it. The only type of disability I think he'd qualify for at the moment is mental health. I think he'd be approved in a second.  The stigma of mental illness is what stops him from applying for it. He doesn't want anyone other than his close family to know about his BPD diagnosis.  That's my saving grace.

AskingWhy... .

They sure are chameleons! Husband usually identifies as an atheist, especially when he's around my family,  who are Christians.  However, if he is in the right situation,  he'll start telling people they need God in their life. So bizarre.

And yes, my H is surely like a teenager.  I read somewhere that many BPD's live in a state of perpetual adolescence.  They never truly take on the responsibilities of adulthood.  This describes my BPDh and his 2 adult sons. The oldest especially refuses to clean. Walking into his apartment,  one sees a river of animal feces and drug paraphernalia (he has no one to clean up after him.) They also are young teenagers emotionally... .never truly learning how to relate to adults.  It's sad. And so hard for us to live with.

[jsgirl360]

So tomorrow is the big appointment.  The doctor will decide whether BPDh will be going back to work imminently,  or if he will be signed out until the end of 2018 when his accrued time runs out.

BPDh is pulling to stay out as long as possible and even to find a way to never go back. If my prayers are answered and he does return... .here is what I'm planning to do with my long-awaited BPD-free time:

1) Sleep!  I have such a difficult time sleeping with him in the house. I generally work overnight and need to sleep during the day.  He is very loud and keeps me awake with either his voice, music, or the latest thing he is dismantling in the house. 

Last night I was off, and still couldn't sleep.  He remains manic and kept me awake until well after midnight, rambling 100 MPH and in and out of bed every 2 minutes (gotta have cigarette,  gotta eat food).   I am very energy sensitive and have a difficult time sleeping when he's around,  even when he's asleep.  His energy vibrates at a very frantic frequency and often wakes me up during the night.  My late father had the same exact energy.  I remember waiting for him to leave the house so I could finally sleep.

So, if husband returns to work, the first thing I'll do is fall into a deep, much-needed sleep.

2) Run! I run for exercise and as a stress-reducer. I've completed several half marathons over the years.  I'm hoping to do another in March.  With him home, I've had to mostly put running on hold since he monitors and times me every time I leave the house. Also, when I do have some unoccupied time in my schedule,  he makes plans to go somewhere.  I tried to explain to him that although every day is his day off, my free days are rare and precious.  He doesn't get it.

So, after I sleep,  my next step is to exercise and feel good physically again.

3) A Me Time Binge! After dealing with mental illness nonstop since July, I think I deserve a little non-BPD time.  I already know what I'd love to do... .first day, go enjoy a movie... .eat some popcorn and get lost in the story with no chance of dysregulation.  Afterwards, take myself out for lunch. Next day,  shopping trip... .look around at the nearest Trader Joe's.  Then lunch with my retired friend (it's difficult to meet her nowadays since I'm interrogated every time I leave the house). Finally,  I'd love a visit to Chinatown for some dim sum and sight-seeing. (Last time I brought BPDh there he dysregulated and insisted on going back to the car, so I'll never take him again.)

All of this may be wishful thinking or a dream. I'll soon find out.

[formflier]

are you going to the appointment?

[jsgirl360]

are you going to the appointment?

Hi FF... .

I was planning to go, but there was a major dysregulation last night.

He started to become paranoid because a coworker texted him. It was a friendly text, something along the lines of "when are you coming back to work, buddy?" That opened the door of paranoia... .leading BPDh to come to the conclusion that his coworkers were somehow communicating with his doctor.

He then started to become paranoid about his paycheck, which is usually deposited into his bank account after midnight on Fridays.  Well... .it was 10:00 PM on Thursday and he was freaking because he hadn't been paid yet. He was convinced his workplace was purposely screwing him because they knew he was staying out too long.

BPDh then stated there is no way he is ever working again. He says he can't take the exhaustion of interacting with people and refuses to do it.

With all the paranoia he has going on, there is no way he'd let me into the appointment.

I already know the doctor will be extending his time off indefinitely.  There is no end in sight for me.

[formflier]

Why not figure it out for sure... instead of what you "fear" will happen.

What do we teach about making decisions based on FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt)

Listen... there is a big picture thing.  Either you are part of his care team... or not.  From your side you might say "I'm offering to be a full part of your care team... or I'll let you handle it all.  And I'll respect your decision either way"

Said another way: Dysregulation worked to keep you out of the picture with doctor.  Once it stops working... it will likely happen less.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I’m the kind of wife who’d call the doc and say my husband’s completely healed and his malingering is damaging his mental health. He needs to return to work because the unstructured time is exacerbating his paranoia.

[formflier]

I’m the kind of wife who’d call the doc and say my husband’s completely healed and his malingering is damaging his mental health. He needs to return to work because the unstructured time is exacerbating his paranoia.

You know... .reading other posts on here reminds me of how "right" my P is about me.  Waaaaay too many words.

Even better to send a letter, follow up with phone call... .and I would attempt to go.

Medical professionals treating people without "facts" and "opinions" is likely not going to go well.  The doc isn't "locked" into "only" using what you say as a wife.  However... he doesn't know what he doesn't know. 

FF

[AskingWhy]

jsgirl360, I am so sorry your H is having such a negative impact on you.

Make sure, in all this, that you practice self care. Cluster B types have a way, as you know, of sucking up good energy from the people around them.  Don't let yourself get sucked into their negativity and self-hate.

A am with Cat on getting hold of your H's doctor.  Use the same words she does.  I told my H's doctor that I suspect H is BPD and related some of what my uBPD H did to me:  name-calling, punching holes in walls, etc.  I want to have a record in the event I do wind up in divorce court.

Again, self care. Our Hs cannot be there for us, and they bare know who they are.