PART 2: Boys night out instead of work

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Snowglobe, I'm assuming it was recently that the value of the company shares dropped precipitously, is that correct?

For that reason, he wants you to sell the house and other assets and use that money so he can return to his home country and live comfortably. Then he also suggests re-mortgaging the house and investing it in stock in this potentially failing company, even though his partner is dubious about investing more into it. This sounds to you like more behavior related to his gambling addiction, which caused you to lose all your savings in the past.

You begged and pleaded with him to continue funding treatment for your son and he refused, saying that he wouldn't even be giving you money to live on, unless you sell the house and then be in the position of having to rent.

He says awful things about you, threatens to cut you off with no money, says your daughter is "useless" and that you're only a "temporary roommate."

Meanwhile you're preparing for a big test for your degree and taking steps to re-enter the job market. 

How are you dealing emotionally with all these threats that he's been making?      It must be exhausting to be around him.

Cat

[Cat Familiar]

Snowglobe, I'm assuming it was recently that the value of the company shares dropped precipitously, is that correct?

For that reason, he wants you to sell the house and other assets and use that money so he can return to his home country and live comfortably. Then he also suggests re-mortgaging the house and investing it in stock in this potentially failing company, even though his partner is dubious about investing more into it. This sounds to you like more behavior related to his gambling addiction, which caused you to lose all your savings in the past.

You begged and pleaded with him to continue funding treatment for your son and he refused, saying that he wouldn't even be giving you money to live on, unless you sell the house and then be in the position of having to rent.

He says awful things about you, threatens to cut you off with no money, says your daughter is "useless" and that you're only a "temporary roommate."

Meanwhile you're preparing for a big test for your degree and taking steps to re-enter the job market. 

How are you dealing emotionally with all these threats that he's been making?      It must be exhausting to be around him.

Cat

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe, I'm assuming it was recently that the value of the company shares dropped precipitously, is that correct?

For that reason, he wants you to sell the house and other assets and use that money so he can return to his home country and live comfortably. Then he also suggests re-mortgaging the house and investing it in stock in this potentially failing company, even though his partner is dubious about investing more into it. This sounds to you like more behavior related to his gambling addiction, which caused you to lose all your savings in the past.

You begged and pleaded with him to continue funding treatment for your son and he refused, saying that he wouldn't even be giving you money to live on, unless you sell the house and then be in the position of having to rent.

He says awful things about you, threatens to cut you off with no money, says your daughter is "useless" and that you're only a "temporary roommate."

Meanwhile you're preparing for a big test for your degree and taking steps to re-enter the job market. 

How are you dealing emotionally with all these threats that he's been making?      It must be exhausting to be around him.

Cat

You are correct regarding the sudden fall of the shares and his desire to “live like a king” regardless.
Exhausting, doesn’t begin to describe it. I’m exhausted of myself, let alone him. It’s true what the tools describe from the conflict unravel. We come from two different philosophies of life, I come from a family oriented side, the one that revolves around family values, commitment and traditions that helped my people to survive. He comes from an Easter European mentality, that just because he has a penis, he is somehow a step above me, and I’m not an equal in these relationships. I think, that once the novelty of having sex with almost a teenager wore off (I was 17 and he was 27 when we met), so did my value in his eyes. Now, I’m just an annoying liability that he can’t shake off without having legal and financial consequences.
Having said that, just as I know the sun will rise tomorrow, so will I continue fighting for a chance to live with dignity and try and provide. Comfortable life for myself and my kids.

[Cat Familiar]

From what you've said, it sounds like he'd like an opportunity to escape family life and go back to the country where he was born. However, if he was a child when he left, he might not have a correct impression of exactly what he'd be returning to.

You've got your big test coming up, but afterwards, I hope you do seek legal counsel and begin to get some auditing on the money he has stashed away in bitcoin. Between the gambling addiction and his dismissive attitude and lack of loyalty to you and the children, it would be prudent to keep a good track of his money trail. He could very well leave you and the kids high and dry and flee the country.

As far as selling the house, why make that easy for him. Do you have any faith that he'd do the right thing concerning you and the kids?

[Notwendy]

Although your mother says you chose this man, at 17, I don’t think you had any idea about the dynamics you migh experience and the issues you would face with your H. You were still impressionable and likely to believe what he said about you. I hope you do well on your exam- and also in time appreciate that you have self worth no matter what he says.

[snowglobe]

@Cat,
I have a vague idea of how much money he had set aside, but without him giving me An access, which as you can imagine he has no incentive of sharing, it’s just an anonymous wallet, which can’t be proven in the court of law. I have seen it, I know it exists, I know the value of it fluctuates depending on the rate. I just can’t prove it, as he hides it from me.
He left a pimply teenager, the major reason for the family move, other then political and economical issues in the country that was going through mahout transformations, was the fact that as a 17 yo boy he started dealing weapons on the black market. No one spilled the beans, as the pack mentality is very strong in his culture, but from many small one liners over the course of our lives I gathered that he was involved in a gang. It was his parent’s way of saving him. And then I took over the saving, pun intended.
No, I don’t think he will do right by me, as the only fair division of property in his culture is for the woman to join the monastery and becoming a nun. Perhaps then she can be spared financial ruins and given a chance of raising her children. Back, where he came from, it’s still very much “slavery” mentality. As I explained previously, it’s geo political, socio economical and demographical issue. A male population was almost wiped out over the course of several World Wars, alcoholism is very prevalent in the country, the ratio men to women is 5:9, this making it not only male oriental society, but a jungle where women are competing for male attention. When I came to North America, it was a shock factor for me, I have never seen women being equal to men before.

[Notwendy]

Both of you are from Eastern European cultures? I think this may be driving some of your fears. In the US, the way your husband is treating you is considered abusive and unacceptable. I think a discussion with a lawyer would help you understand your options, here in this country, not Russia. Yes, it does happen where a divorce is not equal financially between the spouses, but ( I am not a lawyer) I do not believe one spouse can leave the other destitute and homeless. A lawyer would be able to give you all the facts about the laws in your area. Without this information, you may be making decisions based on fears, and facts may help clarify things for you.

People make choices at 17 that they probably would not make at 30. I would guess that at 27, your H was making decisions like an impulsive 17 year old would - and emotionally the two of you may have matched better when you were 17 as well. In a way though as he was older, the things he said to you may have also shaped your self image and your image of the world- you were so young then. Not all men treat their wives like you describe. I hope that you will consult a lawyer about your rights and options. It could be financially difficult, but perhaps not as dire as you fear. The only way to know is to consult a lawyer who is familiar with laws and resources in your area and also social services in you area.

[Cat Familiar]

I second everything Notwendy has said.

Regardless of what your husband believes, you are protected by the laws of your adopted country. And engaging the services of an attorney can be done without his knowledge. You need to know what your rights are.

Your husband has a history of breaking the law and this is unlikely to change, no matter how much you try and monitor him. Your focus is on protecting yourself and your children and consulting with an attorney is a necessary step in understanding what your rights are.