4. What percent of people with DPD relapse when back in a relationship? Most- given the very unhealthy dependency
5. Do people with DPD need continual therapy? Yes- it is a life-long mental disability
7. How does one discern whether or not a person with DPD has affected lasting change given they parrot what they want you to hear? (Mirroring) You have to watch for behavioral changes.
9. What would it realistically take to have a successful, healthy marriage with a person with DPD? The spouse would need to realize she/he'd be living with someone with a mental illness. It would require boundaries, management, lots of therapy, and the realization that it wouldn't ever be "healthy".
I think you have gotten some wise and reasonable answers. Totally understandable that this is surreal for you. I would expect that feeling to continue for a while.
I understand where the doctor is coming from, he didn't seem to give you much hope. While I certainly don't want to overpromise... .I think giving you "appropriate" hope is... well... appropriate.
1. Your best bet to avoid relapse (most likely "minimize" is better word) is to have strong boundaries. Boundaries are my
number 1 tool to stabilize my life and my relationship.
For context, my wife most likely has PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder) or BPD with paranoia as a core thing. She's been evaluated by several psychologists but hasn't "stayed still" for them long enough to firm up a formal diagnosis. My behavior in response to her behavior is really the same, regardless of the "formality" of the diagnosis.
Said another way, I understand "why" my wife is the way she is and I also understand what parts of he "psyche" I need to "put bubble wrap around" and treat very carefully. Basically, I never say "you are wrong" (her issues come from her abusive FOO).
2. Yes... this is "life long" as in it is doubtful they will ever say "he is cured". Think of it this way. Many people have a knee surgery and then go on to be active, go skiing and other things, yet they still wear a brace. They aren't "cured" and they have a "life long" knee issue.
You and your husband will need to learn how to move through life together and use appropriate "braces". There will be times when he relapses (99.99% chance of this) and will be uncooperative, you will need to "put on your own brace" and move forward.
3. Focus on
consistent behavior changes. Primarily from your husband, but this also applies to you. If you are inconsistent in applying tools,
you will actually make things worse. That is a very important concept.
4. Find a T for you, hopefully one familiar with helping spouses navigate these "uncharted" waters. I've been seeing a PhD level Psychologist for several years now. Massive benefits to me, my relationship and my wife.
Lastly (for now). To your comment about not knowing what to say or "saying the wrong thing". I encourage you to be authentic and just say that.
"Babe... .I'm trying to understand. At the moment I haven't a clue what to say about (xyz). I can listen... .and I'm here for you. I'll try to be thoughtful about these matters which are obviously very important to you."
That's a bit long, really only appropriate for when he is calm. If he is worked up stick with "I don't know what to say... "
FF
