Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:42:09 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Unblocked out of nowhere: help me make sense of this...  (Read 924 times)
EdR
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 435


« on: September 15, 2018, 06:25:01 AM »

Hi guys!

Please help me out here by just talking about the possible reasons... .I know the best answer would probably be 'stop thinking about it', but the reason I am posting this just is the fact that otherwise it will keep my mind occupied... .I need to discuss these thoughts, not desperately try and 'hide them' so to speak ;-)

So here is what happened: my friendship ended pretty awful and I was treated like dirt. The painting black was just too insane. I got scolded at a bar, got an excuse and she sent me a friend request again, only to block me again almost a week later. Out of nowhere.

Today I noticed I got unblocked. Out of nowhere. There was honestly NO communication whatsoever? She did not send me a new friend request this time though.

So, what's the deal here guys? I mean... .Facebook unblocking is very different from Whatsapp unblocking. You don't get automatically unblocked when they get a new phone or something (=whatsapp). It is quite the process to get someone unblocked again in FB/Messenger!

I need some thoughts here... .I could come up with the following:
1) she feels she 'punished' me enough
2) she wants to see how I am doing. Putting tabs on me.
3) she did this as a start to maybe send me messages/friend request later on
4) she is trying to subtly let me know it is better now and she is waiting for my actions... .

Knowing her, I would say the 4th option best fits her character... .I decribed the more low profile, subtle ways of coming back to me before.

There is just one little thing: I would very much LIKE to feel that this is all still her 'bad side'. That she might wanted to let 'friends' read my messages and stuff and continue to paint me black. Thing is: blocking on FB doesn't remove the message history. So there would be no point in unblocking me. I would say that rules the 'bad side' out...

Help me out here guys... .what are your thoughts? Why after all these months?
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2018, 07:21:38 AM »

Hi EdR,

From your list of 4, I am going to say - none of the above.

I rather doubt this has anything to do with 'you' at all.   I rather doubt this has anything to do with you as a separate independent entity at all.

This is another example, demonstration of push/pull behavior and thinking.      Everyone push/pulls to some extent.    We push/pull with work and jobs.    Have a bad day and it's "I hate this job I am quitting tomorrow",   have a good period and it's "I got paid a bonus - this is great- I am staying here forever".      People who have strong executive function and better impulse control don't walk into the boss and say I quit you jerk when having a bad day.   

People with disordered thinking push/pull with out the executive function of thinking through what happens if they quit their jobs.    It's not about the job.    It's about managing chaotic emotions.

There is just one little thing: I would very much LIKE to feel that this is all still her 'bad side'. That she might wanted to let 'friends' read my messages and stuff and continue to paint me black. Thing is: blocking on FB doesn't remove the message history. So there would be no point in unblocking me. I would say that rules the 'bad side' out...

There is no 'bad side' EdR.    There is only one side.    This is how she is.   All the time.   With everything she does.    Sometimes that may work in her favor and sometimes it won't.     That's not to say she is a bad person.   She probably isn't.    She does have chaotic and consuming emotions and maladpative ways of dealing with them.

'ducks

Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
EdR
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 435


« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2018, 08:01:49 AM »

Thanks ducks. But that kinda is the thing here: blocking could be explained as an emotional response. It just takes one or two clicks.

But unblocking after almost 4 months? That doesn't seem similar. Like I said: it takes a whole lot more trouble to unblock someone. These aren't your regular button presses.

And after 4 months at least suggest I am on her mind suddenly somehow. So I do feel this is about me to be honest... .
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2018, 08:19:00 AM »

could be... .

after 6 months I got an email from my ex.   it said this:  "I miss you.   I think enough time has gone by that we could start to be friendly now, and eventually friends.  I know you will have to think about this but  I am a little nervous about sending this email so if you could just let me know you got it.   Thanks".


none of that message was actually about me.    It was all about what she felt and wanted.


I understand it takes a lot more to unblock someone.    I don't think that means it's not an emotional response.
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
EdR
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 435


« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2018, 09:01:21 AM »

could be... .

after 6 months I got an email from my ex.   it said this:  "I miss you.   I think enough time has gone by that we could start to be friendly now, and eventually friends.  I know you will have to think about this but  I am a little nervous about sending this email so if you could just let me know you got it.   Thanks".


none of that message was actually about me.    It was all about what she felt and wanted.


I understand it takes a lot more to unblock someone.    I don't think that means it's not an emotional response.


I understand what you mean. In your case there was no validation of your feelings in that text and no apology or something either. I recognize that in her behaviour as well.

But although I understand what you mean, it still was about you in a way. She chose you to text that message and she did ask you for the possibility to become friends... .Not someone else. So something made her think or kept her thinking about you.

In the same way, I feel this is still very much about me. She does not need me. She has her boyfriend, her parents, her crazy ass female friends... .
So why me, why now?
Logged
EdR
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 435


« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2018, 05:24:11 AM »

Guys... .I am worried. This feels like the door has been cracked open again. And a door has a 2 way function: I am not just anxious about her. I am being anxious about myself as well. I did well not sending her anything in these last few months, but my resolve might be weakening... .

I want to be mentally prepared for anything.
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2018, 06:31:57 AM »

Hey EdR,

Now that I have re-read your first messages I can see that I may have misunderstood or misinterrupted what you were saying.    I'm sorry about that.

Can you say more about what you are worried about?   Can you walk us through what your thinking is telling you?

'ducks
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
EdR
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 435


« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2018, 02:50:40 AM »

Everything tells me this is number 4 out of the options I described.

I know her and I know her well. She isn't the one to make elaborate excuses. She just 'is there again' and expects me to pretend nothing ever happened.

After the 'bar incident' she unblocked me, send me a friend request etc. Only to block me again after almost a week.
I learnt much later from her boyfriend that she was 'done', because she was told I was telling stuff about her to her friends in the past. He didn't know what though. And I truly did not tell anything.

Her unblocking now means several things to me:
-) she was thinking about me again
-) she is not as done as she claimed she was. She is telling me this way she is not upset anymore.
-) her history shows that she is now waiting for my action. She wants the attention, she wants to communicate, but every single time that just lead to the same story all over again.

In a slightly normal situation I would just ask her why she unblocked me. But that feels risky now.
I am afraid I (!) could be tempted to try again and think this time it will be different.

I am also afraid that not giving in, could very well lead her to exhibit weird behaviour as well. She did that too in the past.

I just feel stuck no matter what I do. But I feel the most logical thing to do would just to ask her... .but that is given a normal situation.
Logged
Struggler123
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 285


« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2018, 03:36:17 AM »

I don’t think you are going to like what i’m gonna say, but the hallmark of BPD is that the actions don’t match the words aka feelings. She honestly, might just be doing it to see if theres anything left, she might be looking for emotional validation, but I feel like what you should be working on is letting go and not paying attention to the tactics. The second you do, you allow her the reaction shes trying to get. Its always about her, its always going to be and that’s the sad truth. This may not make sense right now, but you will eventually see that sometimes you have to learn to walk away, part of using the detaching forum is to move away from what shes doing and moving towards what YOU’RE doing. I wish that these tactics were some sorr of reformed behavioir but its not. Theres a saying, you cant expect different results by performing the same experiment over and over again. Good luck!
Logged

babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2018, 04:47:11 AM »

Hi EdR,

I can see that contact would feel risky and 'not giving in' could feel risky too.    That's a pretty normal thing to feel.    Many of us have been there and felt similar things.

Let's look at the idea that she's made an overture saying "I'm back, let's pretend nothing happened".      Does that work for you?    Could you possibly 'pretend nothing happened?'    Is that the healthiest thing for you?

Struggler123 made a good point... .   about detaching from what she is doing and moving towards what you want to do.

Lots of people believe that NC is the way to detach.   and it does help some.   it allows our feelings to settle down so we can deal with them.    depending on how messy the relationship was, that can take time.   

but real detaching requires effort.   it requires sometimes uncomfortable work.   it sometimes means standing firm within our own values and boundaries.

she made a probe,  left an opening.    is it your responsibilty to protect her from weird behavior?  is it up to you to give in so she doesn't do something inappropriate?     I am going to suggest that it's not.   if you feel FOG - fear of what she might do, guilt to respond so that she doesn't do something, what is the best way for you to address and handle your feelings.    yours not hers.    I understand that it can be difficult to do that.   uncomfortable.   it means looking at old things in new ways.    it's hard.


it may indeed be tempting to try again.  and think oh it will be different this time.   still you have the right to choose.   you have the right to decide.    you can't be coerced into doing something if you don't want to it.     


I think you have a lot more options here than the two you can currently identify.   I think the third option is I am going to work on detaching from her and her behavior so that probes like this, or contact of some kind does not impact me in the same way as it used to.    so that her behavior doesn't affect my mood/feelings.   

what do you think?


Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2018, 08:20:37 PM »

Hi Edr

No one can answer this (in all likelihood my own belief is even she doesnt know why she did it)

but for arguments sake, lets just go with option 4 and state that this actually is her mindset.

where does that leave you in all of this, does it change anything? Is it an open-invitation to reconcile?

not saying you shouldnt, what i would say is id guard against contacting her based on the past where she turned it against you, made out you were harrassing her. Even if she was to make the first move and reach out, it can still be used against you, she never gave the full story in the bar about those texts before.

have you thought about it from her point of view though; the fact you havent blocked her? was the door ever fully closed from your side in the first place. Not saying you havent, just saying what it can be perceived as from her side.

When it came to going NC with my ex, yes I did go back many times but she had to do a lot of searching to find me, id blocked, deleted, changed number. All the signs of a person who doesnt wish to communicate any longer.

A
Logged
EdR
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 435


« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2018, 04:34:19 AM »

Thank you guys. It is true, I am not fully detached and I don't know if I will be in the foreseeable future tbh.

I am not afraid to admit that I would indeed like things to calm down. I would like to be able to see her and not feel completely anxious. Yes... .maybe I would even like to be friends again. But I am done with the 'pretend nothing ever happened' stuff. That would just invite disaster. I tried to talk about it in the past as well, but it just didn't happen (she doesn't want that... ).

Years ago I joined this site for another BPD case. That hurt me badly, but I wasn't afraid to tell her that. So even when the communication got one-sided, it helped me to put my mind at ease and know that at the one hand I tried everything and at the other hand I made clear that I couldn't live with her behaviour. THAT eventually prepared my mind to detach and not feel the desire to have anything to do with her again.

But it came at a cost. Anxiety. That girl still lives in my city, she even began to work near my place. And although my parents suggested to just go there and don't mind her, I just could not. Whenever I saw her in the city centre I just would change plans and go somewhere else.

This is not uncommon here on these boards. A lot of people say they are detached, but get freaked
out by the tiniest text or sign. They move to another city or their ex even is living in another city, but they still are anxious about their ex visiting their city or sending anything.

I am somewhat in that same place right now. And I wanted to avoid that this time around at all cost. To me this is not TRUE detachment.

This more recent friend with BPD/BPD traits came along not very long after the end of the other one. Years ago. I NEVER expected her to exhibit similar traits. Or actually I was a little worried about it, but did not notice those traits at all during the first two years. I forgot though that that was true as well for 'the other one'. The traits became hugely visible when the bond further intensified and we got closer... .

She is living in my city as well. I will keep seeing her from time to time. And as Cromwell put it, she has shown herself capable of even painting me black over these chance encounters. Especially when I am not doing something she expects me to do. Not biting right now could be very much a trigger. It has been in the past. But 'biting' could eventually yield the same results... .So I am stuck.

I don't want this anxiety. I want a normal adult situation. But I feel like this could only be possible after a normal adult conversation. And that is the one thing that didn't seem possible till this point.
Well... actually the talk after the bar incident with her and her bf came pretty close. Her bf seemed to change his opinion of me on the spot and even wanted to meet again. But almost a week later she blocked me out of nowhere... .To unblock me months later.



Logged
Lostinanother
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 131


« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2018, 09:15:45 AM »

Dude, seriously, all she has done is unblock you. It means absolutely nothing other than she has unblocked you because she has moved on and doesn’t care anymore.

You, like so many other on this site, keep yourself in limbo by making signs and meanings out of curtain twitches instead of moving on healthily. Why were you checking if you were still blocked after 4 months?

It’s not healthy at all. And some more experienced on this site have to start calling a spade a spade about some of the unhealthy recovery acts of people on this site.  You wouldn’t enable someone like this in AA
Logged
EdR
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 435


« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2018, 10:52:32 AM »

Dude, seriously, all she has done is unblock you. It means absolutely nothing other than she has unblocked you because she has moved on and doesn’t care anymore.

You, like so many other on this site, keep yourself in limbo by making signs and meanings out of curtain twitches instead of moving on healthily. Why were you checking if you were still blocked after 4 months?

It’s not healthy at all. And some more experienced on this site have to start calling a spade a spade about some of the unhealthy recovery acts of people on this site.  You wouldn’t enable someone like this in AA


Hi there! I really appreciate your helpful tone of voice. If someone truly did not care, there would be no reason to go through the trouble of unblocking. And for the record, I know this person and past experiences are quite worthwile in predicting future behaviour.

I am also happy that you pointed out that I was checking my FB account multiple times a day just to check whether or not she unblocked me. Of course this could not just be the fact that I saw her face appearing again in our mutual friends 'friend overview of 6 profile pics' and her face turning op again while scrolling through my Messenger list.

I am also happy you seem to have missed the fact that I already said quite clearly that I feel in a similar position as those who seem to freak out over every little text or sign. There was no news there.

Come to think of it: weren't you already in a different relationship when your ex gf started texting you just to know if you were okay? Despite all your healthy steps of finding yourself in a new r/s you still felt the need to block this person and share with us why on earth she would be contacting you. Telling everyone completely blocking their ex would be the answer to everything?

I did not 'judge' you back then if my memory serves me right. Neither did I attack your healthy coping mechanisms.

I don't think anyone of us frequents this site, because we have all the answers and are completely problem-free. I personally came and come to this site TO help and FOR help. This time I came FOR help. To talk about this stuff, to manage my anxiety and even perhaps help me even better predict future behaviour and manage my own reactions.

I was not asking to be 'enabled'. I just wanted to talk and steer my thoughts. Help me avoid certain traps and do the right thing.

But hey... .you know... .I think I will just stop doing so if that is obviously to much to ask.

Maybe I am not perfect, maybe I am in need of a certain type help as well. But that's why I thought this site could help me.

Of course I could all just play the blame game like so many here. Call her absolutely crazy. Paint her black. Blocking her. Actually becoming her by mirroring all her traits.
I desired a more mature way to deal with my anxiety though. But after reading your post I am kinda done with that... .Sorry... .
Logged
Struggler123
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 285


« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2018, 05:33:44 PM »

Hi there! I really appreciate your helpful tone of voice. If someone truly did not care, there would be no reason to go through the trouble of unblocking. And for the record, I know this person and past experiences are quite worthwile in predicting future behaviour.

I am also happy that you pointed out that I was checking my FB account multiple times a day just to check whether or not she unblocked me. Of course this could not just be the fact that I saw her face appearing again in our mutual friends 'friend overview of 6 profile pics' and her face turning op again while scrolling through my Messenger list.

I am also happy you seem to have missed the fact that I already said quite clearly that I feel in a similar position as those who seem to freak out over every little text or sign. There was no news there.

Come to think of it: weren't you already in a different relationship when your ex gf started texting you just to know if you were okay? Despite all your healthy steps of finding yourself in a new r/s you still felt the need to block this person and share with us why on earth she would be contacting you. Telling everyone completely blocking their ex would be the answer to everything?

I did not 'judge' you back then if my memory serves me right. Neither did I attack your healthy coping mechanisms.

I don't think anyone of us frequents this site, because we have all the answers and are completely problem-free. I personally came and come to this site TO help and FOR help. This time I came FOR help. To talk about this stuff, to manage my anxiety and even perhaps help me even better predict future behaviour and manage my own reactions.

I was not asking to be 'enabled'. I just wanted to talk and steer my thoughts. Help me avoid certain traps and do the right thing.

But hey... .you know... .I think I will just stop doing so if that is obviously to much to ask.

Maybe I am not perfect, maybe I am in need of a certain type help as well. But that's why I thought this site could help me.

Of course I could all just play the blame game like so many here. Call her absolutely crazy. Paint her black. Blocking her. Actually becoming her by mirroring all her traits.
I desired a more mature way to deal with my anxiety though. But after reading your post I am kinda done with that... .Sorry... .

I understand the amount of emotions your feeling at this stage. Its okay to feel this way its okay to want a mature way to resolve things, but I think you should think of it like this. What is the end goal? For me the end goal was to become better at managing my emotions, to reevaluate what I wanted to do in life, to remove the projected feelings which were projected on to me. It seems that your focused on trying to have the perfect ending, or a new beginning, which is 100% normal. You can’t expect someone to just throw their feelings away in seconds, thats what makes you human, that these feelings inside of you are your conscience. Now, forget whats right and whats wrong. But, remember this if your in a healthy state of mind, who grows from it? You do, and when you grow you will feel bettee, feel more confident. Sometimes, people are so aggravated by how their feeling they fail to realize that they too needed a helping hand when they were in the same position. Its time to get up and be your best self. Its time to fight the anxiety, keep going and no more looking back. Do it little by little. Start by making a list, the good things and bad things. You will realize the bad things are more than the good things. Little by little, you will gain your self confidence back and then you will come back to these threads and be like “wow I can’t believe I let someone else get the best of me.” We are stronger than we make ourselves to be. You will find your way I know you will. But in these dark times, you can know that you will never be alone. Read about it, talk about it, but don’t let it consume you. Focus on yourself too, and when your ready and have had time to grieve and understand that the relationship was unhealthy then make a decision on how to proceed. Right now, blaming yourself and all these emotions will almost cloud your judgement. You cant expect to perform the same experiment over and over expecting to get different results. And last thing, theres no time frame on grief, I could say im over it, but I still miss the good times. People say you can still be friends with your ex etc, I say some doors are left better closed, I hope shes happy but, thats not my concern anymore. If that makes me selfish well then at least im selfish being happy. Good luck!
Logged

SummerStorm
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 926



« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2018, 07:57:51 PM »

I think we all long for a proper adult conversation with the pwBPD in our life.  And even when it seems like we might be having one, the problem is that it never seems to last.  Two weeks ago, I got what I thought was a cordial e-mail from my ex-friend.  She said she would send me a thank you card for the things I mailed her prior to us no longer being friends (she was on vacation when they were delivered) and then wished me the best of luck in life.  I still haven't received any sort of thank you from her, and I doubt I will.  Why?  Who knows?  I would imagine it's because she found some new reason to be mad at me.  Perhaps she feels that it would be too much closure.  Regardless, her reasoning has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her and how she is feeling at the moment. 

Two years ago, she flipped out on me in a Snapchat message and told me she wanted nothing to do with me.  I didn't reply.  She didn't unfriend me.  A few hours later, she viewed my story.  Three weeks later, she sent me a picture. 

A few years ago, her mom and I were both blocked on Facebook, but she was in contact with both of us, and she was friends with me on Snapchat.  She unblocked her mom and I on the same day.  We had a good laugh about that. 

A little over two weeks ago, she blocked my number right away after saying "goodbye." She didn't block me on e-mail. About six hours after she blocked me, she unfriended me on her alternate Pokemon Go account, after opening a gift I had sent her days before that.  She hadn't really been playing on her main account, so I guess she didn't think about blocking me on there.  A few days ago, she all of the sudden started playing on her main account again, and as of today, I'm still not blocked.  There could be a million reasons why I'm not.  As others have commented, she probably doesn't even know.

Hopefully, you can see that the only real pattern here is absolute chaos.  There's really no rhyme or reason for what she does, other than the fact that it's what she felt like doing at the time. 
Logged

So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
Lostinanother
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 131


« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2018, 08:39:24 PM »

Op,

Didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Just at the moment you’re stuck in a limbo and you need a harsh slap in the face to wake you up out of it.

The difference between my post and your post was my ex contacted me in writing a number of times, and I wanted to know others opinions on the matter. I was not asking like so many other people here “ my exBPD changed her profile pic on sms does that mean that she is sending me a signal? , she unblocked me does that mean she still loves me? She closes the curtains in her house every night at 7:30 does that mean she loves me still and wants me back?

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I occasionally come back to this site and I’m always really shocked that no one ever gives tough or strong advice to people who are seemingly falling into an obsession.

Ed, you need to push it all out of your mind, and get on with your life. Make yourself better and stronger from the experience. Get out of the fog
Logged
CMJ
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 80



« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2018, 09:48:55 AM »

Hi EDR,

We've spoken before and I'm still struck by the similarities on our stories.

Just wanted to echo what SummerStorm said, there's no pattern and you'll end up tying yourself in knots trying to find one.

My own BPD friend has never been shy or sluggsh to hit the block button. A few months ago she told me that she'd just forgot to reblock me on Whatsapp but waited until we finished our conversation before blocking me again. At the time I'd had enough of her BS so I messaged her on FB reminding her to block me there too, she did but only on the Messenger part, and I asked her to block me on Instagram, but she didn't and still hasn't. I even left a comment on one of her pictures asking again, earnt me an angry text but still no blocking.
I, like you, had many questions about the choices she'd just made, the main one being why hasn't she blocked me as swiftly and as thoroughly as she always has in the past? It could be because I asked her to and thus she's worried that she may have pushed too far, or it could be one of a multitude of other reasons. I simply have no way of knowing.

And you know what? That's completely fine; her choices don't affect my life, they aren't a reflection of me.

I've seen the same people be deleted and re-added to her social media over and over again so I'd wager that she'll likely reach out eventually. Until that day arrives I'm not going to worry about it. She's already caused enough damage without me giving her the power to cause more despite being absent from my life.

I recently read something that helped me a lot. It was an excerpt from an exchange between a person with autism and their therapist/counsellor. The autistic person had a tendency for wholly blaming themselves when something went wrong and the subsequent outcome. The therapist/counsellor replied with this

Excerpt
Someone healthy would say thank you for you saying you are sorry, acknowledging that it was hurtful, etc what you said or did. A healthy person is going to be able to extend forgiveness. A healthy person you can make a repair with. There is apology, understanding, communication, and forgiveness. Not continuing to go after someone or hold grudges after they've apologised.

I'm not suggesting you need to apologise for anything, but the jist is you'd be able to reconcile with someone healthy.
Can you imagine still holding a grudge against someone over a year later because you assumed a FB post was about you? That's the situation I'm in, and it's bonkers.

We're dealing with unhealthy people here. Make your decisions based on what's best for you, she removed herself from your life in a messy, painful manner so she doesn't deserve any influence in how you're living it now.
Logged
Shawnlam
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating since 11/18. Trying to recover from 3 breakups
Posts: 520


WWW
« Reply #18 on: September 24, 2018, 09:53:08 AM »

Hi edr  , yes this is about you fully ! But don’t get excited because in the end it really isn’t in anyway for the reasons you think .Like babyduck said  it’s TRUELY about her , your involvement is the toy she threw away.So if you can accept that she sees you ONLY as a source of attention because of whatever relationship she did have failed and you are back again ,then tada my friend it’s all about you now. Cluster B personalities have one thing in common and that is ,it’s about them ,always was,always will be.That unblocking could easily have been solely to catch your eye (which at this point it has) but certainly not because she misses you or loved you or cares for you .Once you understand they are incapable of these emotions you will realize how “not important “ you always were.Yeah the lovebombing mirroring phase convinced you she cared but sadly no she never did no matter how convinced you still are .You were her entertainment and primary savior during that period ,then as a normal human being you had faults she saw in you (these faults were probably positive traits she doesn’t have ), and hence she devalued and discarded or you discarded her ,regardless her new toy was broken.
But why is she getting my attention again you ask ? She must still care ?  Nope ... .her primary new source is gone now , so back to her harem of past toys (you). Sorry bud hate to be the bearer of bad news but it’s classic complex b behavior,immature childish and cruel but classic all day long
Logged

Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #19 on: September 24, 2018, 01:57:49 PM »

... .her primary new source is gone now , so back to her harem of past toys (you). Sorry bud hate to be the bearer of bad news but it’s classic complex b behavior, immature childish and cruel but classic all day long

Is this true for everyone on Facebook that blocks an ex at the end of a relationship and unblocks them 4-12 months later?  If they weren't "cluster b" would they not ever unblock the ex?  If they weren't "cluster b", would they have a better reason or normal reason to unblock an ex? What might that be?

It is quite the process to get someone unblocked again in FB/Messenger!

I need some thoughts here... .I could come up with the following:
1) she feels she 'punished' me enough
2) she wants to see how I am doing. Putting tabs on me.
3) she did this as a start to maybe send me messages/friend request later on
4) she is trying to subtly let me know it is better now and she is waiting for my actions... .

Knowing her, I would say the 4th option best fits her character... .I decribed the more low profile, subtle ways of coming back to me before.

Before we get off on the mystic of BPD and facebook or cluster b and facebook, lets look at how a typical person would use this facebook function in a breakup.

1. To punctuate for the ex, or themselves, or the a new friend, that the old relationship has been dismantled.
2. To prevent their ex from stalking or messaging them
3. To prevent themselves for stalking or messaging the ex.

Why would a person undo the block?

1. They don't feel they need this crutch anymore.
2. Curious to see if the ex moved on (general curiosity)

To  unblock at 4 months is unlikely about sending a message as there is no reason to expect the blocked party is checking... .it's just way too subtle.

So how is this different for a person with a personality disorder? I think its the same. You might be able to conclude that the emotion or drama has subsided, but that is about all.

Might she be open to contacting you or hearing from you? I wouldn't conclude that from this action. I wouldn't conclude the opposite either. I don't think we can read these things with any reliability.

Logged

 
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2018, 02:54:57 PM »

I can relate with you Edr. On the surface as lostinthedesert said "shes just unblocked you"

When it comes to the depths of anxiety that I went through, still carry forward even though I have detached, there really wasnt any such thing as "just" this or that. I wouldnt know how Id feel if i saw her again, id like to think the would be part of the scenery, the likelihood is those adrenal glands would start pumping and not for the reasons I first saw her for - but as seeing a walking health hazard.

I dont know whats going on Edr but all I can say from my experience is that, it makes little difference moving away from the "source" of the problem, these types of women exist everywhere and its about learning how to cope with the red flags and I have literally ran-away twice since leaving my ex and starting dating again. Slightly paranoid or just became good at the red flags of it? Ive no idea, but moving away each time isnt the answer however troubling it might be. Ive learned to be a bit blunt from the outset where im naturally friendly, once I see the red flags I wont to make it obvious from the very start that "dont bother".

I find it interesting that you were in a BPD relationship before, I find it strange that at my age (mid 30s) Ive got these younger, highly sexualised but equally highly bonkers women interested in me. It wasnt so in the past, I feel like I magnetise them and running away isnt the answer until I find out what are they interested in an old man for? Honestly Edr, I have something about me that the mentally insane are graviated to, I cant go anywhere for some peace.

You have to be strong and lose that fear that has been instilled, go to the bar, go where you want, if you see her - use it as an opportunity to stand your ground and get over this anxiety. Most of all, be in control - you have to be in these circumstances or become like putty in their hands, they know and have learned this "game" inside out and are experts in it.

Is this generalising? yes, id rather generalise than take the time to "get to know" the fine permubations of whatever disorder im looking into the eyes of, after what I went through.

She didnt "just" unblock you, there is a reason for everything. If I were you id just block and delete, get rid of this anxiety and forget about her, trust me if you want to play with fire there are plenty of others out there just ready to swoop in and take over where she left of.
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2018, 03:19:18 PM »

She didnt "just" unblock you, there is a reason for everything.

After my last breakup, I blocked my ex. I did it so that I wouldn't be temped to monitor her via facebook. I unblocked her a few month later as I wanted to use my internal strength not to monitor her.

For a prior ex, I blocked after 8 month because I started dating someone and I didn't want to parade that out to the ex... .

People block and unblock all the time and, yes, there is a reason. Is it necessarily a threat to us? No.

If I were you id just block and delete, get rid of this anxiety and forget about her... .

This is a good use of blocking... .as a tool to block our own anxiety on the matter... .especially if we are committed to detachment and we have anxiety.

What is the best move if we want to be neutral - send no message?  What is the best move if we want to leave the door slightly open?

I sense that might be EdR's preference.
Logged

 
Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2018, 05:56:02 PM »


People block and unblock all the time and, yes, there is a reason. Is it necessarily a threat to us? No.

Is it worth the chance, based on what has already happened before? or is it just holding on to a sense of hope that "it might be ok this time". Risky.

this is a relationship that has culminated in a plethroa of anxiety-ridden posts, not happy ones. Quite how having contact will allay and not aggravate that anxiety, I dont undestand, except in my case having that LC became like an "itch" I felt the urge to "scratch". At the expense of not knowing how to get over these issues, the temptation was to reach out to what the source of them was for soothing - bad idea.

Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2018, 06:19:49 PM »

Is it worth the chance, based on what has already happened before? or is it just holding on to a sense of hope that "it might be ok this time". Risky.  

EdR didn't block his ex. He could have but didn't. If he want to be sure she doesn't contact him, he could block her. He hasn't.  It's debatable on whether that was the best thing for EdR or not. It's his choice.

I understand you point here that if he really wants to detach, he should block her and not be clicking on her Facebook with such regularity that he would notice if he was unblocked. It's a very valid point, if he wants to detach.

That doesn't seem to be the issue here.

We are talking about the significance of her unblocking him after 4 months and whether this is a green light of sorts for him to reach out to her. EdR, on some levels, wants to reconnect. He feels this might be an opening. He has followed up on these things before (and been disappointed).

My advice to EdR is to not take it as an opening. I wouldn't read anything into it. There are many reasons to unblock that don't have anything to do with reconnecting.

Besides, responding to something like this, at best, would look "needy". It's asking for a put-down.
Logged

 
Lostinanother
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 131


« Reply #24 on: September 24, 2018, 10:42:44 PM »

It was my understanding that this woman had a boyfriend and they both requested Ed to stop contacting her and she blocked him.

It seems to be that there is no meaning other than she simply unblocked him.
There is only a deeper meaning because Ed desperately wants there to be a meaning so he can justify contacted her again.

“Hi, I’m just contacting you because I saw you unblocked me and wanted to talk to you again... .”

That won’t look creepy at all... .

The bottom line is; if she wanted to contact you, she would. If she wanted you in her life, you would be, even just as a source as attention.

But sadly that’s not the case. And the sooner you realise that the sooner you’ll be able to detach.

And I’m not trying to be obtuse or hurtful because I’ve almost be down that spiral of obsession myself.

You have to realise that you didn’t mean to her the same way she meant to you. You wasn’t important and you weren’t special.
You will be for someone else, but no her.
And sometimes we just meet ___ty people.

Ed, one day you’ll read back over your posts and realise that you were in a deeply warped, obsessional place and thank your stars that you progressed out of it instead of it aucking you deeper in.

However I also know that you justify everything yourself and find reasons to stay as you are because deep down you’re addicted to the pain that you’re in and you can’t wake up out of it yet... .
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!