SUGGESTIONS PLEASE: Final Efforts to Save My Marriage Before My Divorce is Final

[random376]

In an episode of rage in mid-April, my undiagnosed BPD wife left our marital home and put a deposit down on an apartment (the same day). Since then--except for a few days in early June--she has been splitting me black and we haven't even had the opportunity to have any real discussion. She's taken no steps towards me. We've been to several couples sessions with a few different therapists and she just rages about me the entire time and doesn't receive any input from me (meaning nothing I say, no matter how validating, no matter if I'm apologizing for something, etc. seems to affect her and she just moves on to the next topic) and marathon efforts for communicating with her outside of therapy have resulted in her being a little calmer or less agitated with me, but nothing has impacted her current "protective state" that she's in. To her, I'm object other. I'm a monster. I can't be trusted.

Bottom line is: as long as she continues to split me black and see me as said "monster", we just continue on this path and wait for the court to finalize our divorce. But there is a part of me, the part of me that married my wife and was content and supported in our marriage, that is desperate for something, anything to I can do that would make her feel safe enough to come to the table with me and try to figure this out.

I got a divorce attorney a week after she left our home and that process is proceeding. I imagine it will be final within ~4-6 weeks so I'm wondering if I can give this another good ol' college try. I have been the only one making any effort and had given up several weeks back but the impending divorce has the wheels turning in my head again.

No one in her support system understands what's really going on and so, aside from my own support system, I am by my lonesome in these efforts. Her support system (including her therapist) believe all of the things she's saying about me. I only realized several weeks ago that all of the horrible things/accusations she throws at me during her episodes of rage--she actually thinks/has always thought that I was doing those things to her. I thought she was just trying to hurt me with her words so imagine my surprise... .

Maybe I should feel lucky that I'm off the hook and can walk away? But anyone have any suggestions on how I can make her feel safe enough to maybe entertain the idea of seeing a trauma therapist? I've been reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk and have her listening to the audiobook now. (If none of you have read it, I highly recommend it. It's a completely different approach to understanding trauma victims and how trauma impacts the physiology of the brain. It's written by a Harvard psychiatrist who has been treating trauma victims since his career began in the 1960s. It was so radically different than the dozen or so other BPD books I'd read.) I'm hoping it resonates with her and I'm hoping she might be up for taking steps towards healing for herself. 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi random376,

Does she totally ignore all of your efforts to reach out to her? Is there any way you could get her interested in a conversation? Do you know if she is involved with anyone else?

I would not mention this book to her that you are reading or any counseling. Those are much later steps... .if it gets that far.

I'm afraid unless less some part of her wants you this divorce could be happening. I am sorry. I know that is not what you want!

take care, pearl.

[random376]

Hi Pearl, thanks for the reply!

We do "talk" regularly but it's limited to text messages and is usually pleasantries or making arrangements related to our divorce. She doesn't ignore me and she does respond affirmatively when I send her a text about something in particular I miss, etc. This has been the case the length of the separation but if anything, taking a step back reveals that she has become more and more stuck in her place over time. She didn't split me black until she asked if she should pick up her deposit on that apartment and move back home, and I told her she would't be able to move back home. So that was a huge blow to her and since then, with the figurative distance and the divorce proceedings she has just become more and more defiant because I've rejected her. I don't/can't bring up anything rooted in reality, in the hear-and-now, because can't tolerate anything she doesn't want or like at all. This wasn't always the case during the separation but it has been in the past couple of months, since I resumed moving forward with the divorce because things were at a standstill. 

I'm not sure if she's seeing someone else, I'd assume she likely is and I don't feel that's my business anymore as we have't seen each other in about 3 months.

I don't get the impression that she's detached from me (could be wrong) but the dynamic of communication more so feels as if she harbors so much anger and resentment that all she wants to do is punish me, particularly if I do or say the slightest thing she doesn't like. It's all very icky and she never treated me this way while we were married. It very much feels like there's a stark line that we crossed when I told her she couldn't move back in. I don't regret that decision by any means and I know it was absolutely the best thing for me.

I am relieved that I can move on and continue the process until the divorce is finalized, that's incredibly liberating to me. But like everything in these past several months, the things that I've done to separate myself from her and do what I need to do for myself have only driven her to further retreat. She's been a scared cat under the bed the whole time. I never really "saw" my wife again. It might only cause more turmoil if she stops splitting me black but I can't help but wonder if the path she would have taken for herself would have been different. I read all of these stories on here about folks' SOs at least pretending to make an effort even if it's in vain--my wife has just stayed in her corner the entire time and hisses at me when I get close. ha

[pearlsw]

Hi random376,

Do you think there are things she wanted to say to you, but didn't get to say?

You sound a bit detached from her in this last post. Is that the case? Are you detaching a bit? Do you feel pulled in two directions from your own feelings?

warmly, pearl.