Are those tests or have I lost his heart?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 Dear BPD family,

I haven't been posting updates for a while because nothing has changed drastically.

Summary of the situation:
My long distance ex and I have been engaged until a year ago he broke up with me all of a sudden for feeling put second. He said he didn't trust me anymore but kept saying maybe we still have a chance, so I've been crying and hoping for months until he found a new parter.
We are back in daily touch again since they have broken up. We are nothing more than friends but I love him a lot and hope I can turn things around. I haven't told him openly that I still want him back to avoid putting pressure on him. We'll see each other again in a few weeks. Interactions are easy going and sweet.


My main problem at the moment is that he got to know a girl online he seems to have a massive crush on.
He is posting about how perfect she is everyday although they're just friends, he seems obsessed and she's flirting back.
It scares me as I know they plan meeting up in a few months and it hurts me so much to see how he is treating her (with all the hearts he's sending) compared to how he is talking to me (being just friendly and supportive but sometimes talking ages to get back to me, no hearts for me). I never mentioned it to him, how it makes me feel as I do not want to lower my chances/ make things become uneasy between us.

When we were together it was really important to him that I always get back to his messages as fast as I possibly could and I always got in trouble when he saw me online on social media without replying him first.
As I want him back and try to avoid any kinds of triggers, I'm always careful to never post anything before getting back to his messages now, but he keeps being on Twitter and talking to her while he sometimes forgets getting back to my messages for hours.

On my birthday for example he has been up all night, texting her publicly, talking about a show that was on. It took him until 5am to wish me a happy birthday although he has been online all the time, he just didn't seem think of me.
I really don't mind at all, my birthday is not that important to me, just when I think about how he would have reacted if I did the same thing, it hurts me.

The things he does make ME feel unimportant and put second now, just how he must've felt in our relationship.
I know we are officially just good friends, but seeing how I'm not his priority anymore, do you think I still have a chance with him if I stay patient? Are those possibly just tests?

Is he maybe flirting with that girl so obviously to punish me for hurting him back then? He knows I'm probably reading this all... .
Or do you think he's rather just not thinking about it because I'm acting okay? We have never talked about that new friend of him that he admires so and I don't think I should bring this up.

Could use some support and opinions. I'm ready to do much work to get him back.

Thank you!

Faithful

 

[FaithfulInLove]

 Dear BPD family,

I haven't been posting updates for a while because nothing has changed drastically.

Summary of the situation:
My long distance ex and I have been engaged until a year ago he broke up with me all of a sudden for feeling put second. He said he didn't trust me anymore but kept saying maybe we still have a chance, so I've been crying and hoping for months until he found a new parter.
We are back in daily touch again since they have broken up. We are nothing more than friends but I love him a lot and hope I can turn things around. I haven't told him openly that I still want him back to avoid putting pressure on him. We'll see each other again in a few weeks. Interactions are easy going and sweet.


My main problem at the moment is that he got to know a girl online he seems to have a massive crush on.
He is posting about how perfect she is everyday although they're just friends, he seems obsessed and she's flirting back.
It scares me as I know they plan meeting up in a few months and it hurts me so much to see how he is treating her (with all the hearts he's sending) compared to how he is talking to me (being just friendly and supportive but sometimes talking ages to get back to me, no hearts for me). I never mentioned it to him, how it makes me feel as I do not want to lower my chances/ make things become uneasy between us.

When we were together it was really important to him that I always get back to his messages as fast as I possibly could and I always got in trouble when he saw me online on social media without replying him first.
As I want him back and try to avoid any kinds of triggers, I'm always careful to never post anything before getting back to his messages now, but he keeps being on Twitter and talking to her while he sometimes forgets getting back to my messages for hours.

On my birthday for example he has been up all night, texting her publicly, talking about a show that was on. It took him until 5am to wish me a happy birthday although he has been online all the time, he just didn't seem think of me.
I really don't mind at all, my birthday is not that important to me, just when I think about how he would have reacted if I did the same thing, it hurts me.

The things he does make ME feel unimportant and put second now, just how he must've felt in our relationship.
I know we are officially just good friends, but seeing how I'm not his priority anymore, do you think I still have a chance with him if I stay patient? Are those possibly just tests?

Is he maybe flirting with that girl so obviously to punish me for hurting him back then? He knows I'm probably reading this all... .
Or do you think he's rather just not thinking about it because I'm acting okay? We have never talked about that new friend of him that he admires so and I don't think I should bring this up.

Could use some support and opinions. I'm ready to do much work to get him back.

Thank you!

Faithful

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Faithful,

Sorry this happening! Sounds to me like he is interested in her at the moment and you are just seen as a friend. Not a test, he just met someone new and has a chance at a fun, fresh start. It's easier.

I would not bring it up with him. I think it risks jeopardizing the friendship you have. You can't make someone love you. Sorry, I know you have strong feelings for him!

You still have future plans to meet up? That is your best chance to turn the tide I'd assume. In person contact matters a lot to making a relationship happen. She is online with him too? She does not live nearby him?

with compassion, pearl.

[FaithfulInLove]

She lives in his country at least, but not near by... .

I feel like he's trying to hold the door open with me... .? He's a bit flirty with me still sometimes, but not like with her. It would hurt me having to wait out another relationship. I'm damn scared! I miss him so!

Yes, I am seeing him again in 2 weeks but he'll meet her again in a few months as well and they're already having plans for next year, going to events together

[macarena]

Hi Faithful,

I am sorry this is happening to you. I know quite well how painful this is. I am in a somewhat similar situation where a person I have deep feelings for (and to which he somewhat responded for quite a long time, although we haven’t been together as a couple) is currently very invested in someone else long distance.
I don’t think anything can be done in this situation short-term. But well, nothing is ever final and you don’t know how the story with that girl plays out. Of course, only you can decide if you want to wait for him.

[once removed]

a key to getting our relationships to healthier ground is to learn to "stop walking on eggshells".

it can feel counter intuitive, even anxiety inducing to learn. but ultimately its about getting ourselves to a more sound, healthier place. and on the flip side, when we get ourselves in that stronger and healthier place, its attractive.

the "rules" change when two people go from a romantic relationship to a friendship. and sometimes it is hurtful and confusing for one or both parties, when there are expectations of getting back to a romantic relationship. every interaction becomes about hope or hurt, and confusion.

a "get him back at any cost" strategy, i would suggest, may not be the best way to go about this. why? because in the event that you do get back together, lets say it happens tomorrow or in a week or in a month, the relationship problems will still be there waiting for you.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello, Macarena! I already have decided that I am ready to wait for him. I'd love to discuss what the best thing I can do for long-term success.

Once-Removed, if I could gain his trust back I don't think there would be relationship problems that couldn't be solved. Main problem was that he felt put second and I kept reacting in the wrong way and misunderstood him so much. I am ready to make this amazing man feel important now, so a "get him back at any cost" strategy is exactly what I'd love to have. At the moment I'm left without any kind of strategy, I'm just keeping in touch with lighthearted fun interactions and hope I won't start crying when I see him face to face.

Thank you... .also for further advice

[macarena]

Hi Faithful,
I’ve decided the same thing. At least for me, I know, it’s a long and painful road but I’m ready to walk it and see what happens. I also think it’s important to try and be realistic and realize the situation might play out in your favor, but it also might not. Well, this and a lot of hope.
I don’t think there is any certain strategy long term, my best bet is being there for him, working on getting back to close friendship (in my case, it got very complicated when I confessed my feelings) or maintaining the friendship and close interaction in your case, and seeing what happens. I don’t think we can do much more.

[once removed]

if I could gain his trust back I don't think there would be relationship problems that couldn't be solved. Main problem was that he felt put second and I kept reacting in the wrong way and misunderstood him so much. I am ready to make this amazing man feel important now, so a "get him back at any cost" strategy is exactly what I'd love to have.

i appreciate your urgency in reconciling the relationship. i remember when my ex and i broke up, i never prayed for anything harder, never cried for anything harder, than to have her back. its a hard place to be, and i admire your hope and determination.

there are certain inherent instabilities in a relationship with someone with BPD traits. people with BPD traits are overwhelmed by, and react strongly to volatile feelings. for example, general distrust in others tends to run deep, especially as the fear of abandonment grows in proportion to how close the relationship is. we cant begin to solve this for them. we can play a strong, consistent, supportive role in their lives. people with BPD traits, more than anything, need this from their partner; someone who has a strong sense of who they are, what they will and will not tolerate, sets and enforces solid boundaries consistently and lovingly, even when its hardest. as it pertains to your strategy, these are also attractive qualities.

what i mean, in short is, trying to put out every fire, appease each complaint, walk on eggshells, is not a realistic recipe for success. you need the space, for example, to not feel obligated to respond immediately to each time he reaches out. its impossible to maintain forever, and in the event you, say, get on social media first, if he blows up and you apologize, it reinforces negative behavior. so to some extent, the harder you try to avoid this, the more of it you end up getting. given this is presently a friendship, it may also be blurring the lines.

thats just one example. my advice in general is to get on a trajectory where the relationship you have, or the relationship you want to have, are healthy for you. what are the day to day conversations/interactions like?

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you two a lot for your support!

Macarena, I'm wishing you good luck in your situation! It's such a hurtful think. So you think confessing feelings is a bad step from where we're standing now?


Once removed, I'm in this long enough to know about how difficult things can get. That is okay, I'm fully aware of that and I'm sure it's what I want. Will always keep going for it!

Our interactions are great. We are laughing all the time, sending support or planning our trip together.

I must say that the situation gets more worrying everyday. He seems to be connecting with her well - and the past days I've seen he's getting much much love back from that girl... .I know that's such a no go, but I've been talking to her current boyfriend just to find out what's going on - and he doesn't know anything more than me. We're just both really scared about how the two of them are texting with each other. It breaks both our hearts.
They are long distance. My ex lives much closer to her and of course he is scared of losing her to him. She isn't talking to him that much anymore, he said... .

I am seeing my ex again in a week. Our connection is great too - but the flirting and the hearts are just for her. It makes me jealous but I didn't react on any of those posts.
Any thoughts or advice?

[macarena]

Hi Faithful,

Everyone is different, but in my case, talking about my feelings in a similar situation (he was seeing or talking to someone else, although had been aware I had some feelings for him)  resulted in him getting scared/triggered, going no contact and ignoring me completely. So it is a possibility, I guess, that he would perceive this as controlling and run (but of course, you know your person better). So maybe keeping things calm and not trying to take leaps might be a better option.

See how things go when you meet in person and maybe try to focus on your relationship with him, not on his interactions with that girl - I know it’s difficult to completely ignore that but you can’t control where it goes. However, you do have some influence on the evolution of your relationship with him, and that’s what matters.

[once removed]

Once removed, I'm in this long enough to know about how difficult things can get. That is okay, I'm fully aware of that and I'm sure it's what I want. Will always keep going for it!

my point is not to discourage you from reconciling the relationship or to highlight the difficulties of BPD, its to encourage realistic expectations and a less enmeshed approach to reconciliation.

you dont want to be the gal hanging on the next interaction or catering to him. why? it doesnt put you in an attractive position in his eyes. a level of strength and independence does, and its critical in a relationship with someone with BPD.

what are the circumstances under which youre seeing him next week? what is the plan?

[FaithfulInLove]

I agree with you, Macarena
I try to do everything I do for him from a place of GIVING and to not expect anything back in return to make him see I'm not the needy person I was during the break up anymore but genuinely care about him... .just why should he stop looking for something better if I'm giving my all to him anyway... ?

Once removed, the plan is:
I'm flying to his country for an event we're both really interested in. I'm there for a week and he'll join me for two days. We will share a hotel room together, with two beds. This is a friend meet up. We plan to see some sights together and go to that event. He also wants to invite me for dinner.

The situation with the other girl is still getting worse. They're flirting on social media non stop... .he keeps saying things like nobody ever made him that happy before and she likes the hell out of those posts and every selfie he's sharing, sending out hearts. They really seem to be in love... .but I don't think they're together as 1st he didn't change his Facebook status yet and 2nd I'd really think he'd tell me as we are talking everyday. She keeps ignoring her official long distance boyfriend who is really hurt. That girl seems to be a toxic person when I see how he's treating that guy at the moment... .

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey everyone... .

it hurts so much, their posts are getting worse every single day, he seems so happy, so in love and I feel like I'm forgotten when she's there... .he takes so long to reply, his answers are so nice but uninvested after all the months we have been connecting so well... .

With her he is talking about their plans for this year, and visiting each other soon and travelling together next year... .it's so hard for me to see... .He is treating her just the way he was treating me when we were together and when we wanted to get married... .

It's less than a week until I see him again after half a year.
I would be happy about every single advice you could give me to make our meet up a happy event for us both still... .

How do I react if he brings her up? What do I do if he does nothing but staring at his phone when I'm around him and just want to feel respected? What if he asks me if this is okay for me that he is in love with someone new?

Because the truth is, it breaks my heart so much, I have no words and I don't know how to not start crying when I see him. I wanted this meet up to be positive for us, to remind him that we can have a good time. Now I don't know how... .He always wanted his girlfriend to also be his best friend and I thought we were this connected.

Even if you repeat the advice I've heard here like a million times, I'd be so thankful to get some support in this right now. What can I do to get another chance with him?

I'm just a 25 year old who can't get over the perfect first love of her life and the future we had planned out... .

[once removed]

This is a friend meet up.

but is it, from your perspective? the arrangement of sharing a hotel room, seeing sights together, dinner, all when youve got feelings for him and are hoping to get back together, may be setting you up for disappointment and hurt.

He always wanted his girlfriend to also be his best friend and I thought we were this connected.

the difficult position that youre in is that youre in a friendship position in his eyes, while you want more, and are pursuing more.

meanwhile, hes testing the waters with this other girl. trying to compete with that or win his attention back is a recipe for hurt - i dare say its probably an impossibility.

strategically, its in your interest to step back, let that play out, with yourself as far removed from it as possible. stay away from reading their interactions. avoid updates from the girls boyfriend. dial back on the regular conversations. get some healthy space for yourself while this all plays out.

having said all that, i understand the trip is booked, the plans are what they are, and im not encouraging you to break them - that would blow everything up. but its going to be tricky to navigate, there is a lot of potential for hurt and the possibilities youre dreading, and there is not a lot of good advice to reduce that potential.

my general advice would be to go into this limiting the interactions you have as much as is feasible. try to be busy and have things to do that dont involve him. have some distractions handy, some excuses to go elsewhere, if you see him on his phone a lot, or if he brings her up. be a bit aloof. arrest your hopes, and treat him strictly as you would a friend, not as someone youre trying to get back together with.

what do you think?

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey once removed, thanks so much!

Keeping myself busy and treating him like nothing but any other friend - will this really bring us closer together? Or is this to heal myself and only to heal myself? Isn't it good I'm trying to catch up on his posts and prepare myself for what might be coming when l see him?

I must say I'm someone who feels like I need so lots of space from everyone always. I often don't get back to friends for a week or so cause this is me... with him I'm in a dynamic of texting each other back whenever we have time for that, like every few hours. I'm normally waiting a bit until I get back to his messages to keep the balance, but can't imagine even trying to treat him like the others. He'd be angry at me and all l want is staying connected.

We're in some dynamic of playfully bashing each other through messages. The "hey I'm better than you" game - joking all the time. It is fun in some way, but still feels like a constant test as it's so far away from how he kept treating me like his little princess...

[macarena]

Hi Faithful,
I agree with Once removed in that you probably need to stop watching closely their social media interactions. It is destroying you (your positivity, your emotional stability) and your watching them will not help your case one bit. Also, for your peace of mind, remember these are social media interactions and your situation makes you read a lot into them, while it’s not their real relationship, these are just an Instagram (fb) comments. A relationship requires work and effort, an insta comment does not. On your side, you need patience and emotional stability to wait how it plays out, and maybe it’s better to draw resources from other things (friends, hobbies, - whatever helps you - I’m trying to do the same).
A good thing is that he is willing to take this trip with you and share all these experiences, even if for now, it’s just as friends. Try to enjoy it as much as you can and take Once removed’ advice on not having high hopes for now and keeping yourself busy.

[once removed]

will this really bring us closer together?

think in terms of closeness with boundaries.

boundaries where you arent setting yourself up for rejection. boundaries that dont blur the lines between friend and boyfriend in a way that is painful for you.

a critical distinction with the concept of boundaries is that they are conditions we put on ourselves, not on someone else. they are tied to our personal values. will it bring you closer together? not directly, no. they will keep things in a healthier 'lane', so to speak, and they are absolutely crucial in a relationship with someone with BPD traits (or anyone, for that matter).

learn more about this life skill/lifestyle here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Isn't it good I'm trying to catch up on his posts and prepare myself for what might be coming when l see him?

i dont see where its helping. like macarena says, there can be a tendency to read into and second guess these things. from where im sitting, that keeps you focused on and emotionally absorbing it, when there arent a lot of options but to let it play out. thats all you can really prepare for, and it will happen or it wont.

I'm normally waiting a bit until I get back to his messages to keep the balance, but can't imagine even trying to treat him like the others. He'd be angry at me and all l want is staying connected.

i do think its about balance. you dont want to give him the cold shoulder or silent treatment.

but i think at the heart of the matter is that youre also letting Fear and Obligation rule your actions here.

[FaithfulInLove]

Also, for your peace of mind, remember these are social media interactions and your situation makes you read a lot into them, while it’s not their real relationship, these are just an Instagram (fb) comments. A relationship requires work and effort, an insta comment does not.

Thank you... .I'll try to let it play out and focus on our connection instead of theirs... .I must say it is shocking for me because our relationship started out the same way. It started on social media and then we kept it to text messages most of the time, calls and video chat. We couldn't meet up that often because of the long distance, but whenever we met it was so beautiful to spend time with him.
 
He was so sure about me, wanted to spend all his life with me and get married so fast... .it is so hard to understand that all his feelings are gone now and he is only focused on another person? He seems to love her as much as he loved me. It makes me wonder is that even possible to move on from the love of your life within a year?
When I think of him I still feel everything for him, like on day one... .can something big like this just pass by?

He seemed quite cold/unemotional on the phone today while I was telling him a Million times about how happy and excited I was too see him... ."Yeah me too"... .such a monotonous voice... .he would have the chance to spend more with me this weekend, but he just said it would be too stressful and expensive for him to join me faster (we are talking about 20 pounds here while on social media he keeps bragging about what he'll get for himself and also for that girl as a present next... .). Are those possible tests? Or is he completely unaware of the fact that this might be hurtful to me?

boundaries that dont blur the lines between friend and boyfriend in a way that is painful for you. 

In my opinion it actually is important to keep the line a bit blurry... I hope seeing what someone is there who might want more than friendship, who is still there after all and doesn't say no to him as more than a friend strictly, could have a good effect on how fast his new relationship could become uncomfy for him.
I'm ready to do everything for him - I don't think anyone else would be ready to give that much so fast - and pressing for speed is something he is really good at. If the girls he is "trying out" don't do all he wants and he might remember there is still someone waiting for him... .couldn't this be in my favour?
If the line is too strict and he thinks he has no chance, couldn't this make him stay with his new supply for even longer?

[once removed]

FaithfulInLove,

you cant compete with whats playing out. thats not a statement about you personally at all - its human nature. ive been there (in his position) myself. its something that has to run its course.

I'm ready to do everything for him - I don't think anyone else would be ready to give that much so fast - and pressing for speed is something he is really good at. If the girls he is "trying out" don't do all he wants and he might remember there is still someone waiting for him... .couldn't this be in my favour?

the question, at the end of the day, i think is this:

do you want a relationship with him at any cost, even if it means that it crashes and burns as quickly as it begins? or do you want to play the long game, give things their best shot, on what is ideally a healthier, more stable, long term trajectory?

[FaithfulInLove]

I want to get this fixed fast as possible to be honest... .I think that things would be better because I know him so much better by now... l think I've learned enough to make this work, on here, in therapy and through some kinds of online coaching... .

I must admit l had to talk to her boyfriend today, l couldn't hold back... .He said she has broken up... .He thinks she is with him now... .He is not sure though... .I'm so scared he's right... sorry for not taking your advice here, I just wanna know what's going on. He's really cold and silent to me. Don't think knows how to tell me. Should l ask? I mean I've been reading all this online... .He knows I'm seeing this and that l probably know... .

I've been posting pictures of us today, telling him how much I'm looking forward to our trip... .No reaction at all. Not even a like. This hurts so much.

[Turkish]

I want to get this fixed fast as possible to be honest... .I think that things would be better because I know him so much better by now... l think I've learned enough to make this work, on here, in therapy and through some kinds of online coaching... .

This sounds like you're the one going to do all of the work.  That's a heavy burden. 

[Harley Quinn]

He seemed quite cold/unemotional on the phone today while I was telling him a Million times about how happy and excited I was too see him... ."Yeah me too"... .such a monotonous voice.

I've been posting pictures of us today, telling him how much I'm looking forward to our trip... .No reaction at all. Not even a like. This hurts so much.

Hi FIL,

I just came across your thread and something here is standing out to me.  Can you see the pattern?  Take your cues from him and ease off.  Pushing hard for 'what was' is pushing him further towards 'what is'.  I'm sorry this hurts.  Losing someone you love does hurt - like crazy.  It hurts even more that the person you love is getting involved with someone new.  I really feel for you.   

Take it from someone who has had a few breakups.  Over pursuing is not going to do you any favours.  If you wish to maintain some form of r/s with this guy you will need to get very good and using your head over your heart.  You cannot let your emotions rule your actions.  He is open to a friendship.  I suggest you come to terms with your place in his life right now and focus on being a good friend to him.  Which will mean being happy for his happiness, even if it is with another.  It's a really tough thing to have to do.  Tough, but necessary if you want to remain in his life as he starts this new r/s.  What do you think?

Love and light x   

[CryWolf]

I would like to echo Once Removed and HQ. They have given you very solid advice and I would repeat that back to you.

Its been a while hasn't it?

I hope you're doing well.

As I catch up, I think we're still in the same dynamic as before. I think right now he just wants a platonic friendship with you. nothing more. He knows you want more, and he knows youd be willing to wait while he sees whats out there. hes not afraid to lose you because youre not going anywhere.

Sadly, people want something thats a catch. unavailable. Once again, I think you should distance yourself. focus on your purpose, be the best version of yourself you can be. You waiting and being at his disposal hasnt been much helpful yet has it? Im sorry if im being too blunt with you in the moment.  

Right now you have 2 options. Be okay with the friendship and accept and dont expect anything more. Or you distance yourself and give him the gift to miss you. you may or not realize it but this is the best possibility for him to miss you. not if youre constantly there.

Me limiting myself from people has worked so much in my relationships with others. its hard to appreciate something thats always there. I suggest you try this and work on your goals. Try dating other people in the meantime. It doesnt have to get serious and can be casual but have options open, whether you decide to wait on your ex or not.

He seemed quite cold/unemotional on the phone today while I was telling him a Million times about how happy and excited I was too see him... ."Yeah me too"... .such a monotonous voice... .

Honestly, I would too if I heard it for the millionth time. Things lose meaning and value the more and more you hear it or exposed to it. Just like how I tell you to distance yourself from him.

Also, you constantly repeating this is coming from anxiety and fear on your point. When we exibit these traits its not attractive.

I think we've given you solid advice.

Honestly, what do you want to do and how do you want to approach this going forward?
Do you plan on ever moving to his location if this relationship was to work? Because long distance relationships have a shelf life until either you move in together or you break up. Right now it seems he is interested with someone else and hes respecting that by limiting contact with you. Hence, why youre upset when the reply times get longer.

[FaithfulInLove]

@Turkish - I am ready for the work. I love that person more than anything. We didn't fight about anything for five months. I learned the tools here and they help.

@Harley Quinn - it is a bit difficult how he is changing his behaviour without saying anything. Like a few days ago he would like and retweet and answer to anything I send to him on Twitter - a few days ago he has already been talking to that Girl who is on Twitter too. Now he does not react at all.
Last night he told me I could watch the videos he posted on his twitter - I had to look through all their cheesy tweets to find them... .I left some likes and commented on one of them. No reply. No reaction.
Can you tell me what he is expecting from me? Why does he invite me to check his page if he doesn't feel like reacting anyway? Should I just ignore every single social media tweet from him in the future? No more likes from me too like we always did? He just stopped without communicating, that bothers me. I am scared to even ask about it. Thing schange and he never tells me about the reasons.
I can guess the reason is her, probably he doesn't want her to find my profile and our old loving tweets.

Crywolf, thanks a lot for your advice and I'll try to find a way to do this... thing is I thought we have to slowly get closer again. I can't expect everything coming from him. Can you tell me, how can I distance myself more without losing him? When he is distancing himself I feel like he gets angry when I'm asking about it. When I am distancing myself I feel like he notices fast and asks what's wrong... .he notices that something's up, he is really sensitive to those things, I am afraid he will be raging against me if he finds me "punishing him" with distance without openly telling him how much all this hurts me, and here I got the advice to better not let him know about how hurt I am.

When we have the silent rule of always getting back to each other - and eventually that is what he does, he is just not that invested anymore - how do I distance myself without breaking his (weak) trust in me?


Thank you ♥

[CryWolf]

At a certain point in life, you need to put yourself first. You need to stop caring about what he wants and how every action will affect him when it’s killing you on in the inside.

The only way to achieve this is walking away and meaning it. You even stated that he notices you being distant and gets mad. But you fall back into giving him what he wants and going back to square 1 not to disapoint  him.

I understand you don’t want to lose him, but he needs to also not want to lose you. You aren’t punishing him with distance. And him raging at you isn’t right. You say you have the silent rule of getting back to each other. Then you can continue doing that but take longer to reply. Take days or hours. I understand how bad you don’t want to lose him, but right now he is talking to someone else and the sad truth in This is we have to put ourself first without thinking how it will affect him

[FaithfulInLove]

What makes it so hard is that putting myself first made him leave in the first place. How will it bring him back then?

Haven't l asked you this exact question a few times within the past months? It seems irrational to me... .I don't think that now is a good point in time to start testing to be distant as it might make him realise how much I'm affected by his posts which might make things worse. Shouldn't l stay strong, act unaffected and wait until he's out of that all happy phase with the other person?

If things aren't that perfect between them anymore, when he starts noticing that she has flaws too, wouldn't that be a better moment to back off a bit, when he needs me and has a reason to keep in touch? Otherwise I think l might just lose him, see him leave and being happy with her while I'll seem like his petty ex who just can't be happy for him... which is the hard truth in some way, l am sorry for being selfish. At the same time l don't think he'll ever find someone who could love him more than l do.

[CryWolf]

What makes it so hard is that putting myself first made him leave in the first place. How will it bring him back then?

Haven't l asked you this exact question a few times within the past months? It seems irrational to me... .I don't think that now is a good point in time to start testing to be distant as it might make him realise how much I'm affected by his posts which might make things worse. Shouldn't l stay strong, act unaffected and wait until he's out of that all happy phase with the other person?

 

You need to be in the perfect position in life where you are okay with or without him.

You've asked me the same question for the past few months, and I've given the same response the past few months, do you agree?

You can continue to wait for him if thats the route you're willing to take. But it possibly could lead to more heartbreak. You can act unaffected all you want by his posts, but youre still checking every post, and trying to find meaning in any of that. You can only fake not being affected for a certain amount of time. What I'm trying to push for you is to actually be okay with whatever outcome. To feel your emotions and be at a point in your life where you can live your life without the consequences of how it affects him. Because chances are, he isnt doing the same for you. And you doing all this and putting in the work will help you have healthier relationships if he does come around, or you find someone.

[BeagleGirl]

FaithfulInLove,

 
This is hard.  When you have a vision of what could be, especially one based in what was, it is really hard to not do everything in your power to make it reality.  When the moments you have with him are the most joyful of your day/week/month, how can you say no to any of them? 

I struggle with the same desire to pursue and argue with the same well meaning advice to back off and give some space for someone to miss me.  Even in the moments when I would agree that I should work towards "being okay either way" it seems completely impossible to achieve.  I may intellectually know that this isn't my last chance at love, but my heart just won't stop feeling like nothing could ever compare.

So with all that said, I'll tell you what helps me not take lasagna over to his house so he'll have a nice meal after his long day of work, or mow his lawn for a second week in a row, or even initiate a text conversation.

I picture what it would be like to be loved for who I am and not what I do.  I picture what it would feel like to receive a text message that indicates he was thinking of me even when I wasn't "in his face".  I picture what it would be like to be invited into his life rather than just allowed in.  Of course he is the specific person I want to do the texting and inviting, but as I have practiced this I have become more willing to admit that he may be unwilling/unable to be the one to pursue relationship.  And while that thought makes me incredibly sad, I know that I am worth pursuit and ONLY I DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT I WILL ACCEPT LESS THAN WHAT I'M WORTH.

Because I've lived out the other side.  I've pursued a relationship with someone who did not value me enough to pursue me.  Heck, dBPDxh didn't even value me enough to respond in kind to the amazing amount of love and care I poured out on him.  It took me 25+ years to realize that all the extra work I was doing to try to make up for his lack of effort in the relationship was never going to make him treat me the way I longed to be treated (and deserved to be treated). 

I'm learning that I can never show someone my value who is not willing to recognize it.  And there are plenty of people out there who will try to "get a deal" by spending the least amount of effort required of them to have me in their life.  WHAT THEY ARE WILLING TO "SPEND" DOES NOT DEFINE MY WORTH.  IT DEFINES THEIR WORTHINESS TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.  I WILL NOT ACCEPT "LOWBALL" OFFERS.

With all these caps it may feel like I'm yelling at you, but I'm not.  I'm making my declarations of what I am holding onto.  Because I have to.  I have to keep declaring these things or I will accept what feels familiar - being neglected when I don't perform or there's something more interesting.  Feeling that I'm not enough and never will be enough.  Holding onto tiny nuggets of time when I felt valued while I wade through days/months/years of  where I get the scraps of his time and energy.

And you know what?  When I demand these things, refusing to settle for anything less, they will eventually come.  If not from the person I most want them to come from, then from someone who DOES recognize my worth.  Or maybe the person who I think is not quite seeing my value is only seeming cheap because I am not giving him room to show how much he values me. 

So how would it feel to be valued for who you are and not what you do?  What is your declaration?  Do you you know what you are worth?  Not what you are worth to him, but what you are really worth?  Because just the little you've shared makes me think you're pretty special and worth more than what he's giving you right now. 

BeagleGirl

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you so much, BeagleGirl for taking time and giving your opinion!

What you said there sounds like a really strong and healthy attitude. I wish I could built that too. Probably this attitude would be more impressive than me acting like such a punching bag... :')

I think I can't judge him for how little he is giving... .we are not together anymore. But after being his EVERYTHING it is so hard to accept those tiny break up reasons, to watch him leave something I am so willing to fight for and fix, willing to give everything he verbally wished for.

Now I see him tweeting the same phrases he said to me to another girl.

I think right now I still am at a good place in his life. He has an app on his phone for only us both to communicate. I hear back from him everyday. What else can I expect from a friend?

I feel like I'm hurting anyone else I let close to me because I am such an honest person and whoever falls in love with me will get hurt by how much I only miss him.

So do you agree that I shouldn't show him that his actions hurt me in any way? They do although I know I shouldn't let them. But I shouldn't be open about this to him, right... ?

[CryWolf]

Are you okay with being just friends and not expecting anything more than that?

I know you mentioned your trip coming up with him. What do you hope will happen once the trip is over?