Wife has BPD and is pregnant -- how can I make sure I don't lose my mind?

[rpfender]

My wife has BPD. She is aware of this. We have not been able to afford treatment but she knows she needs it. She has applied for Medicaid and it should go through soon, as she is 6 wks pregnant. We have 2 daughters- and the mystery kid on the way. What are some things I need to know? How can I make sure I don't lose my mind

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Welcome to bpdfamily!  I'm sorry that you're coping with BPD, but am glad you are here.  We can definitely help you with support and tools to make things better.  Can you tell us more about your situation?  How long have you been married?  How old are your daughters?

What are some of the issues you are experiencing now that are causing the most difficulty?

RC

[rpfender]

we got married may 5th this year. the daughters (8 and 4) are hers from previous marriage. father is completely inactive. she has been in therapy DBT before, and knows she needs to go back, but for now- we have terrible fights.

she says that i don't believe her illness is real. i have at times accused her of blaming problems on it, or using it as a crutch. her official diagnoses are BPD, PTSD, and ADHD.

Adderall helped the ADHD which in turn helps everything, but now she is pregnant and can't take anything. I am wondering if anyone has had luck with CBD. Her mom sells it (she has a vaping store and bakery)

We are also in the middle of moving to a different state, and she is starting a new job.

She is very mean verbally to me and the daughters, but then she feels terrible and apologizes- and then says she is worthless and awful and we would be better off without her.


what do we fight about in my own words? everything.

she always thinks i am thinking horrible things about her.

it's like she has these expectations - she thinks I have these super high expectations for her that she isn't reaching. and that is not true.

i just want to stop the constant fighting.

she just wants to get better. she is not in denial, she is waiting for insurance.


what is causing the most difficulty? when she is triggered by someone or something, i feel like it's taken out on me

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation.  The good news is there is a lot you can learn to help make things better.  You can't change her, or make the situation perfect, but you can alter your reactions to things and take some healthy actions that will improve things.  There's a lot to learn, and it takes practice to get it to work in real life.  We'll try a new coping strategy, usually with mixed success, and we can come back to the board here and talk about how it went, get support and feedback, and see if we can improve the next time.

Take a look at this Three-Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict.  Do you see anything in that lesson that applies to your situation?  One of the best strategies for a new member coming here with a high conflict situation is to learn how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Take a look at that link and see if it describes any of the things that you sometimes do in a conflict.  It takes effort and practice not to JADE but you'll get a huge return on your investment in conflict reduction.

Let us know your thoughts on that "ending conflict" lesson and JADE.

RC