Cleaning Out The Physical And Emotional Closets

[Turkish]

D6 and I were cleaning out the 3rd room yesterday.  It's past due that she has her own room. 

I tackled her closet yesterday and finished it.  I found things from her baptism and a banner for my ex's baby shower for D, signed by family and friends.  I snapped a pic of the kids holding it,  "look what I found." I don't know what I was thinking.  She responded,  "always nice to see the kids." I'll keep it for our daughter.

I also found a nice Christmas card from 2009 before we moved into the house. She was very loving and nice,  saying that she couldn't have chosen a better father for our baby (now S8). That she tried to get knocked up by the two boyfriends before me is another story,  the second she wasn't in love with, though she pined after the first (I felt) until our son was born. 

I also found a very nice note written on a post it,  telling me how much she loved that I cared about her,  etc. I shouldn't have done this,  but I called S8 from his room,  "hey buddy,  come look at some notes mommy wrote when she still loved daddy before [current husband,  the guy she left me for]." He read them and said,  "mommy loves you more than H." They are still separated but still in their lives.

I asked him why he said that,  and he said,  he's just our because he's a liar.  I asked him why he said that? "Because he drank our milk and ate our food and he lied to mommy about it.  Your our dad but he's just our step dad." I told him that I didn't know if he was a liar and that everyone in a house shares food as a family. I left out opining that even if she was the primary provider, responsible adults keep track of household groceries and shop. She may have been right about that, and foolish her for marrying a college undergrad who'd never been on his own,  but she shouldn't have exposed the kids to adult conflicts, much less shaming him in front of the kids. 

Ugh. Turkish fail. I should have never brought it up.  He still remembers the conflict on that household from almost two years ago.  It bugs me that given all that happened that the kids have a twisted view of what a step parent is. 

I kept the card,  but tossed the note.  I thought,  "how fickle feelings are and how fragile relationships are that things can flip the opposite." I had also kept a few nasty, profanity-laden post-its from around 2011-12. 

I'm not sure why I'm keeping the card. She left in 2013,  physically from the house in early 2014.  3-4 years ago I would have burned out on the back porch,  as I did a few pictures of us before the kids.  I guess I have come a long way. 

My lingering feeling which I might never get rid of is that all of it was stupid and unnecessary. I may never let go of that feeling,  but it's long past keeping me up at night.   

[CryWolf]

You’re doing the best you can buddy 

It’s all a process and emotions come and go. It’s a funny thing to be honest. Feelings and emotions and how they affect someone so much in any given time... But you truly are doing the best you can in any given moment, and I applaud you for trying to be a great father and person.

[MeandThee29]

You’re doing the best you can buddy  

It’s all a process and emotions come and go. It’s a funny thing to be honest. Feelings and emotions and how they affect someone so much in any given time... But you truly are doing the best you can in any given moment, and I applaud you for trying to be a great father and person.

I agree with this. The process of dividing things and selling the house we had been in for twenty years was agony for me. My pwBPD used it against me, saying that none of this would have happened if I had been a better wife and later if I would only have agreed to reconciliation on his terms. And where we were to live after the house was sold wasn't a concern for him. He may have thought that would drive us to live with him.

I came to see that it was absolutely OK to grieve separating things out and letting go of the house. Certainly there were good times, but now is not a good time. And that is OK.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Turkish,

I think you are doing a great job talking things out with your kids.  Of course, all parents sometimes say something that they wish they hadn't.  The important thing is that you keep the conversation open with your kids. 

MeandThee29, I also found it very difficult to leave our home.  So sad.  I like what you said about there being good times, but now is not a good time.  Good insight.

Turkish, you are teaching your children how to be in the world and their relationship with you is providing the groundwork they will use in other relationships.  Such an important work you are doing being their dad.

Mustbeabetterway

[Turkish]

Being honest,  I find it hard to play with my son sometimes. I was intimacy Legos as a kid,  but I was transitioning out of that about the time Lego Company started coming up with models,  about the time of the first space shuttle.

I don't think I'm wrong about him feeling safer and more relaxed with me.  Yet I'm cognizant of the fact that I was raised by a single mother,  and that I may lean more feminine in some ways.  I'm slightly worried that I may be depriving him of 'something" yet I can't nail it down. My T told me a few years ago that never having had a father that I was "inventing." Even as a little kid I never bought into my mother's 60s/70s influenced verbiage "I'm both your mother and your father."

I'm not worried about by connection with D, since I've always connected well with girls,  but I'm slightly worried about my son. He's intrinsically a kind kid.   

[CryWolf]

Hey Turkish, do you think you might be projecting a little of your own fears here? I am 100% with you on the "i never had a father growing up" or male role model, as this also occured to me. I as well am more feminine than my male friends. But I see this as more of a blessing than a curse you know? I guess what im implying is there is a silver lining. And i truly dont think youre depriving your son. You being there for him speaks incredible volumes, if not now it will when hes an adult. I think its incredible for men to be more in touch with feelings and any stigma that society believes is solely "feminine" and its wrong for men. I dont think there is a wrong or right for whats right for men or female to feel or believe. Sorry if i went off a little bit here. Just letting you know you shouldnt worry about not being a good male figure in his life.

I also know you and I both share the scenario as to where our BPDEx told us "we werent man enough". I feel this is somewhat lingering in this post as well and is troubling. What do you think?
 And I dont blame you, that still lingers in my mind as well from time to time.

[MeandThee29]

Any parent worth their salt worries about the effects of separation/divorce on their kids.

Mine are in college, and I see some of the effects on them. One of mine seems further along than the other and still talks about his dad. The other doing so much better in many ways, but has walled it off. Of course I worry about both of them, but they are further along than they were a year ago and are doing well in school. I don't see any signs of depression.

One key is that they are both regularly around healthy males and healthy couples. They have become more discerning on what makes a good relationship. I'm encouraged that I don't have to be their sole resource and example that way. The therapist said that they are both on the right track and will get this worked out in time.

[Insom]

Hey, Turkish!  i hear you feel this interaction got into uncomfortable territory and can relate very much to feeling icky when a conversation strays unexpectedly.

What about it made you go "ugh?"

[Turkish]

That I was enlisting him to validate my feelings about adult things that had nothing to do with him.  I'm currently reading "Silently Seduced" about emotional incest also. 

[JNChell]

Turkish, bless you, but you’ve paid your dues. Your debtors are indebted to you at this point. Will there be an emotional “payout”? No.

You love your children and are a great Father. You’ve paid your dues. You’ve done all that you can do, but you still stay in the pain. A Son follows and mimicks his Father. I can’t source that, I can only speak to what I’ve witnessed. My Son will be 4 in December.

If your Son ends up in a bad relationship, what advice would you give?

[Turkish]

If your Son ends up in a bad relationship, what advice would you give?

I'd like to think I could put on my Turkish hat (fedora?) 

I'd also like to think that I could guide them on what's healthy and acceptable versus what's not.  I'm more worried about my people pleaser Asperger's son than my daughter. 

[JNChell]

I wish I could sport a fedora. Cool hats, I just don’t do them justice.

I was moving through posting last night at a quick pace. I hadn’t been active on the boards for a couple of days and wanted to catch up as best I could. I’d like to back up from my original post on your thread.

I imagine that her comment about it always being nice to see the kids stung a bit. It sounds like nostalgia was present with you. I used to associate nostalgia with hot rods. My dad was a car guy. Apparently there was once a “class” of drag cars that were “nostalgic”.

I got rid of most of what I had from my ex. I didn’t even burn it. I just threw it away. I kept a few T-shirts that she gave me because I would’ve bought them myself, but I’m considering getting rid of those too. She bought me a big bottle of my cologne that I wear for my Bday. I received it, along with the T-shirts 2 days after our final breakup. I’m thinking about getting rid of that as well and buying my own. I erased every pic of us except for the one from the day our Son was born. It’s just the three of us. He’s swaddled in a hospital blanket laying on his mother’s breast and I’m by their side. I’m saving that one for S3 just in case he eventually wants it.

It bugs me that given all that happened that the kids have a twisted view of what a step parent is

Any good parent would be bothered by this. It’s unfortunate enough that the nuclear family couldn’t be. I struggle with this daily. Your ex has her environment for the kids, and you have your environment for the kids. Your’s sounds very consistent. Her’s, not so much. We know how important it is to meet our children’s emotional needs. You’re focused on that. Healthy and stable environment, emotional needs met and you love them.

I'm not sure why I'm keeping the card

She is the mother of your children. It’s quite a life changing experience to witness a woman that we love/loved birth our children. There’s a bond there in and of itself. I fell more in love with S3’s mom that day. She chose natural birth. No drugs. The pain that I saw her go through is unexplainable.

I’m not educated on Asperger’s. You say that he’s a people pleaser. I understand how that is a worry for you. I’m sure that you’re an authority on it. Is it possible that with your proper guidance and male to male nurturing that this can become a really good thing for your Son?

[Turkish]

I'm a fan of burning,  maybe something left over from my childhood Pyro days... .

I'm more worried about our son when he gets into romantic relationships.  Multiple mixed ethnicities, he's very handsome (he got yet another comment on this by the "grandma" neighbor across the street this morning on the way to school and he seemed kind of embarrassed) too so he'll be a girl magnet.  Leaving aside ten hormones which we can't control,  as long as he feels valued and loved,  he won't hopefully fall for needy flattery. I know in over thinking it at this point. 

[JNChell]

Within my own experience, overthinking is part of being a parent. Especially when the other parent isn’t readily available to bounce concerns off of and be supportive about it.

[Turkish]

She's ok on this,  though she really only engages in active listening of it concerns the kids. 

D hits S more.  She told D that she should tell her teacher. D responded that she would tell the teacher that mommy hit her all of the time.  Oy vey... .6 and we've got a little spitfire.