Is it really detaching if I still care what she's up to now?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I last saw my ex about a month ago. She works in academia and it was the first day of the fall semester. We met for dinner and she had split me black. She was practically dripping with contempt. She started out bragging about how important and busy her new job is. She ended by bragging (and screaming at me in public) about her new sex life. Horrible stuff… Anyway, this past weekend I hung out with a friend and former co-worker who heard the latest about my ex. Apparently, she was attending a conference and was desperately trying to get a new job anywhere she could. I figured her idealizing the new job wouldn’t last long, and this confirms that. I still have her blocked on facebook/messenger, her preferred method of communication.

She’s told me even during the honeymoon/idealization phase that she had seasonal depression. Winter is just around the corner. I anticipate her getting worse… I hope she hits rock bottom this time, it’s the only thing that might get her back into treatment. Last winter, she started DBT, but quit… I don’t know how long she was there, or if she even knows she’s BPD.

This is my first post in the detaching board. Is it really detaching if I care what she’s up to now?

[jukeboxhero]

I last saw my ex about a month ago. She works in academia and it was the first day of the fall semester. We met for dinner and she had split me black. She was practically dripping with contempt. She started out bragging about how important and busy her new job is. She ended by bragging (and screaming at me in public) about her new sex life. Horrible stuff… Anyway, this past weekend I hung out with a friend and former co-worker who heard the latest about my ex. Apparently, she was attending a conference and was desperately trying to get a new job anywhere she could. I figured her idealizing the new job wouldn’t last long, and this confirms that. I still have her blocked on facebook/messenger, her preferred method of communication.

She’s told me even during the honeymoon/idealization phase that she had seasonal depression. Winter is just around the corner. I anticipate her getting worse… I hope she hits rock bottom this time, it’s the only thing that might get her back into treatment. Last winter, she started DBT, but quit… I don’t know how long she was there, or if she even knows she’s BPD.

This is my first post in the detaching board. Is it really detaching if I care what she’s up to now?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jukeboxhero,

It's perfectly normal to still care about your ex.  The key thing is where do you see yourself going and do you see her as being a part of that?  Regards detaching, I think we know we are heading in the right direction when we can accept that it's OK to love someone without having them in our lives because that's the healthier route for us to take for ourselves.  How do you feel after your meet up with her?

Love and light x

[jukeboxhero]

The key thing is where do you see yourself going and do you see her as being a part of that? 

I've decided to give myself the next couple of months to just work on myself. I was supposed to complete my dissertation this summer to finish my master's degree, but the separation anxiety from the discard made that too difficult. I pushed it back until this fall. It's due next month. I won't make any decisions regarding her until then.

  How do you feel after your meet up with her?

You mean a month ago, or recently seeing my friend who gave me the update on her?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JBH, I suggest declining any future dinners with your Ex.  You don't need this kind of behavior in your life:

She ended by bragging (and screaming at me in public) about her new sex life. Horrible stuff…

Why put yourself through it?  Time to move on.  It's normal and OK to be curious about what your Ex is up to, yet that doesn't mean you need to act on it, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Long_term_dad]

I last saw my ex about a month ago. She works in academia and it was the first day of the fall semester. We met for dinner and she had split me black. She was practically dripping with contempt.
... .

This is my first post in the detaching board. Is it really detaching if I care what she’s up to now?

jukeboxhero,

I can relate.  I find the splitting disorienting.  And in that disoriented space I am much more vulnerable because my feelings are mixed and I am not clear.

I listened to a piece found here (I don't have the link but I am sure you can find it) about intermittent reinforcement and for me this was important and relevant, so I will mention it.  When you ask "Is it really detaching if I care what she’s up to now?", if this were me asking to determine the answer I would want to take care to suss out the actual caring factor from the addiction factor. For me both are all wrapped up: a mix of actually caring with a kind of addiction to the possibility that an interaction might be positive, plus some other stuff.  A technique I am using is to have a buffer: I don't answer calls live, I don't respond to texts or emails quickly. This buys me a little time to be more grounded before I reply, IF I reply.

Good luck and thanks for posting!

[toughday]

Being caring and curious are normal human traits. Its very difficult to be intimately involved with someone and then just to switch off those feelings but i think being caring and curious are very different to being emotionally attached. I am finally starting to feel like i am detaching. I know this because i can think about my ex and wonder what she is up to without it making me upset. There isn't the same intensity to it. I am curious about her life but i no longer want to be involved in it.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, jbh  - I want to echo what others have said here about it being normal and compassionate to detach and still care. I'm in the same process as you now. You are probably a person who loves "normally", whereas many pwBPD cannot. You can recognize that her behaviors are unhealthy, (even destructive) while still caring about her, and her well being. You can know that there's no way you can be with her the way she is, but care about her as a person.

It's tough, it hurts, and it's confusing... .but also very natural. There are lots of others here who empathize with what you are experiencing right now. 

[jukeboxhero]

... .intermittent reinforcement and for me this was important and relevant, so I will mention it.  When you ask "Is it really detaching if I care what she’s up to now?", if this were me asking to determine the answer I would want to take care to suss out the actual caring factor from the addiction factor. For me both are all wrapped up: a mix of actually caring with a kind of addiction to the possibility that an interaction might be positive, plus some other stuff.  A technique I am using is to have a buffer: I don't answer calls live, I don't respond to texts or emails quickly. This buys me a little time to be more grounded before I reply, IF I reply.

I was familiar with intermittent reinforcement regarding me enabling her behavior, but I hadn't considered it the other way around. That makes alot of sense.

A couple days ago I got a text from her, haven't responded yet.
I posted another thread on that in the conflicted board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329638

[Harley Quinn]

You mean a month ago, or recently seeing my friend who gave me the update on her?

How about both? How did you feel after the dinner and does that differ after the more recent update?

Love and light x