im an infp. the "f" and "p" always came up around 50/50, but i am an introverts introvert, an observer, who relies on his intuition.
i also tick off most of the boxes of a HSP (highly sensitive person), except i am hardly stimulated by my environment at all in terms of lights, sounds, surroundings. its funny because people describe me as a very laid back guy. its true that im not a very outwardly reactive guy, but how i feel if im upset, bothered, offended, rejected, annoyed, or someone/thing otherwise gets under my skin, tends to be stronger than most people, and i would say that while people can typically relate, my inward reactions, my tendency to ruminate, are disproportionate.
i am a pretty obsessive guy (in some cases you might just call it "passionate"), and far more compulsive than impulsive.
i live in my head a lot. people tend to like me more when they see the less obvious/visible sides. im hard to get to know, and i dont think my best qualities stand out.
i have perfectionist traits, and theyre a double edged sword. its not that nothing is ever good enough. its that im rarely satisfied unless im doing my best work, and i trust my inner critic in that regard; i set a high bar, but i dont think im hard on myself. not the case when im dealing with people. truth be told, id almost rather interact with no one unless im at my sharpest, my best, on my "A game". i experience social anxiety at times, am very sensitive to rejection or embarrassment (i can be self deprecating and appreciate a good roast, so it depends on whether i feel misunderstood, judged, or "exposed"), and im both highly self conscious and highly conscientious. my inner critic is very overbearing and unrealistic in that regard.
on my good days im clever and creative, and if we are each talking about something we are passionate about, we could go for hours and get along famously. im a good confidant, too.
2. To discuss how you personality has helped you in relationships.
in hindsight, ive had to reevaluate exactly how strong and consistent some of these strengths are, but in general... .
conscientiousness goes a long way. i make consistent effort to make my partner feel loved. appreciated. supported. content/happy. heard. im thoughtful and considerate. a giver, a spoiler.
im deeply loyal to people close to me. im in your corner.
im a good friend in a relationship. im your buddy as much as your lover as much as your confidant.
i consider myself pretty romantic.
3. To discuss how your personality has limited or challenged you in relationships.
lets face it, my relationship history is a mess, so limits and challenges are a lot easier to opine about.
so in high school, i started off deeply obsessive, with "nice guy issues". any girl that paid me any attention occupied my head for the rest of the day and looking back at my journals (not easy to do) makes me seriously cringe with how i would invent a relationship in my mind with someone who had no reason to give me any thought. i was sappy and ridiculously sentimental. no one who otherwise might have been attracted to me saw me as dating material.
friends gave me some pointers and self awareness and it started to click, so i did better and had girlfriends. i still struggled with confidence, and with over pursuit, but id have one or two serious girlfriends a year, and a lot of opportunities i blew up. i was always pretty insecure in relationships (the whole "i think i like her more than she likes me" thing) unless the girl was pursuing pretty strongly, then i was pretty cool. i was always the one that was dumped, and i would spiral into obsession and depression for months on end when i was. i do have a significant fear of abandonment that manifests in different ways... .difficulty breaking up with people, difficulty being broken up with.
in my BPD relationship (my first adult relationship), i was a lot closer to the person i want to be in relationships. i was never insecure in my place. i was a good boyfriend. my best qualities shined. being my first adult relationship, it challenged me in new ways, that a lot of the time i didnt cope so well with. i distanced. i was extremely invalidating and dismissive. i wasnt as loyal as i thought i was. i could be pouty or passive aggressive, or worse.
4. To discuss steps for growth that mesh well with your personality.
i believe self awareness is a catalyst for change, and knowledge is power. i see myself more objectively instead of as "right", or "virtuous" or a martyr in love, and im better at testing my reality. ive learned from bpdfamily so much about how relationships evolve, breakdown, devolve, and it has changed my perspective, which has over time changed my reactions. i read other people and personalities better. i have better tools and coping mechanisms. a better understanding of what i do want and dont want in a partner. im more resilient in the face of grief; i know ill be hurt again, and im not afraid anymore. i have changed and matured for the better, and i owe 100% of it to this place.
thanks for the opportunity ff. this is a good exercise.
