BPD Bulimic And Alcoholic Daughter, Worried About Little Kids

[Tinkerbelle]

Hi,
We have been dealing with our BPD, Bulemic and now alcoholic daughter for 18 years (became ill at 14) and live in fear for our toddler and pre-school grandkids.We are unsure where to turn.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

She has preschool kids and you have your own toddler if I'm reading this correctly?

What's going on that you fear for the kids,  do your daughter and her kids live with you?

[Harri]

Hi Tinkerbelle and welcome.  You are dealing with a lot and I am so sorry for that.  You are in the right place though as many of us here are in a smiliar place.  As you share more we can help you better.  In the meantime, why not take a look over on the right hand side of the page and read some of the articles listed there.  You will get an idea of what we can offer here and settle in.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Tinkerbelle

Please let me join Turkish and Harri in welcoming you here 

I can relate to not knowing where to turn, quite often when dealing with problems such as these it can become quite isolating and we just don’t know what to do next. It sounds like there is a lot going on. Do you have any support?

How can we best help you? I look forward to hearing more from you, you are not alone x 

[wendydarling]

Hi Tinkerbelle 

How are you? You've been marvellous welcoming new parents and supporting others in their threads, it means so much, to know we are not alone.  Can you share a little more with us about your situation so parents can support you, we can get to know you.   

We are here for you.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi everyone, I am posting this on behalf of Tinkerbelle. She sent me a private message and I asked her if I could post it in order for her to get the support that she has come to the board for. This is her reply:

Sure, please share my information.I am having trouble posting.
Tinkerbelle

This is her message that she sent me by way of an introduction:

Hello feeling better,
I hope I am sending this back to the person who welcomed me!
I want to tell the group a bit about myself and our 32 year old BPD daughter.

After what we considered a happy, healthy childhood- our 14 year old daughter developed bulemia, anxiety, depression. She still uses bulrmia to  cope at times we think although she is now an alcoholic.We moved to another state to get her better care prior to her senior year of high school and we have lost count of how many psychiatrists, councelors, dieticans she has had.We spent much of our retirement money on 2 different residential treatment centers. No one wanted to label her at 15-16 and the best Dr we took her to see could not believe she had BPD since no real family history, no abuse, no cutting or suicidal behaviors. So he attemped to treat her for BP type 2 with many different meds/ no changes.At our last visit years ago (he moved) he said she had traits of both which at this point in time I think is emotional dysregulation, BPD, anxiety, depression, adhd and oppositional disorder. She has been arrested for assaulting 3 different men she was involved with 3 times, is much kinder to her father and moods change quickly. She is estranged from 1-2 siblings, does not keep friends and is always finding Tinder men.
She takes many different medications ( unsure due to HIPPA)and drinks which makes her anger much worse. She just graduated from college and has 4 and 5 year old sons I have skipped much including 2 divorces ( the last from an abusive alcoholic.) It is a day to day struggle and remains hard to know she is in pain. Although she loves  her children, she does not put them even 2 nd in her list of priorities.
Thank you for being here,
Tinkerbelle

[wendydarling]

Thanks Feeling Better 

Hi there Tinkerbelle  

It's good to hear from you. That's a lot you've been through with your daughter it's no wonder it's a struggle day by day. It's heart breaking when there are little ones, you are worried for them. Do you get to see them, do they live nearby? Does your daughter talk to you about her problems?

If you go to the top or bottom of this thread you'll see the reply button. If you need any help getting around the site feel free to PM me  

Look forward to hearing more from you.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi Tinkerbelle

Thank you for telling us more about your situation, you certainly have been dealing with a lot for a very long time, which leads me to ask about you, how are you feeling? Do you manage to find time for looking after you?

You say that it is a day to day struggle which I am sure it is, it must put an enormous strain on you.

Do you help to care for your grandsons?

Looking forward to hearing more from you x 

[Feeling Better]

Hi everyone, this is a response from Tinkerbelle that she sent me as a pm, I am posting it on her behalf:

“Hi Feeling Better,
I am not posting a lot due to poorly healing ankle fracture and all the DD drama. She was arrested again  at 12:30 am today with assaulting a boyfriend ( not even sure who) and is in jail. 4 th arrest but this time no bail$, of lawyer from us. She is now an alcoholic and must for once be allowec to feel her own consequences.Missed her collect call from jail so checked and her mug shot is on our local online jail roster.Drove frantically to her home and 4,5 year olds not there.We called arresting policeman and he said boys are not in foster care but with a friend or sitter. We have no idea who and will be calling cps . Supposedly there is an open investigation but no one ever interviewed us.Her Ex left state to avoid close supervision by probation ,was a cocaine/ alcohol addict and is nearing the very end of probation for 2 counts felony criminal child endangerment, 2 nd count aggrivated DUI and assault( running over me as he attemped to flee.) CPS ruled 1 1/2 years ago he was unfit to be the primary parent... We have left a message for our attorney to detetmine if CPS to be called or straight to court to try to get custody. Welcome advice and prayers.
Tinkerbelle”

[Feeling Better]

Hi Tinkerbelle

I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is back in jail again and how dreadful it must have been for you to dash over to pick up your grandsons, only to find that they were already gone and with someone who you don’t know. What’s the situation like now? Did you call CPS? Did you manage to locate the boys?

This is a dire situation and I wish that I had words of wisdom for you, I am hoping above all else that you manage to get custody of your small grandsons. Please keep us posted on what is happening right now x 

[wendydarling]

Hi Tinkerbelle

I'm so sorry to hear this, how frightening for you.  Have you found out where the little ones are? I hope something comes good out of this latest crisis for you and your family.

Her ex ran over you! Is that why you are nursing a fractured ankle?

Do let us know how you are, you've been and are going through so much.

Lean on us, we care. 

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tinkerbelle]

Helli all,
We called CPS and for now were granted 30 days custody

[wendydarling]

Hi Tinkerbelle

Thank goodness. Bet you are done in, exhausted, feeling relief and in need of some good sleep.

They are safe with you, what matters right now.  

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

What a relief, I'm so glad to hear that! Please keep us posted

[Feeling Better]

Hi there Tinkerbelle,

I just want to say how pleased I am that you managed to get 30 days custody of your grandsons.

What’s happening at the moment with your daughter?

Thinking of you x 

[Tinkerbelle]

Hi ,
It has been a roller coaster ride for sure. Thought DD was doing better in AA just to find out she is dating the druggie guy with pending sexual assault charges still . He is a deal breaker for CPS. We had been allowing DD to have supervised visitation - dinner and sometimes giving the boys a bath and putting to bed. Last Friday she attempted a 8 pm bedtime although I told her they napped and likely were not that tired. After an hour she was very frustrated/ angry and left since she had plans. When I went in to check on boys they were very upset. In the past,she has allowed her then 3 and 4 year olds to watch the “ IT” movie and  they have terrible nighgmares.At bedtime that night she told them if they did not immediately go to sleep the “IT” was coming to kill them. When the 5 year old told her it was not real, she slapped his face. When he said he would tell us, twice she held her hand over his mouth for “ a long time”and “ it was hard to breathe.” I called CPS and they will be interviewing our grandson. The 4 year saw it all and DD was very nasty and refused to leave our home yesterday which almost resulted in a 911 call. Unfortunately ( despite my instructions about CPS’s requests of us) my husband today told DD  of the charge and her cover-up/ lies have already started. CPS will be furious and she may get away with the assault. I will never trust my husband again. He may have put these young boys in harm’s way just to Play his usual “ good cop” role. Uggh...
Tinkerbelle

[Turkish]

That's scary,  not IT as much (though that material is certainly inappropriate for them) but that she did that.  The kids told you? How do you think that CPS might be furious? At your husband?

[wendydarling]

Oh Tinkerbelle

I'm sorry, that is scary and in the safety of your precious home you've opened up after all you've been through.

This may help your husband understand. Do you think this may help?
2.01 | Karpmam Drama Triangle

Have you heard from CPS?

WDx

[Tinkerbelle]

Sorry, life has been crazy. Grandkids are back with DD. Even after CPS warned her to stay away from druggie guy who charged her with assault, she had her IUD removed and is bow pregnant with his twins. Acting very threatening and unstable today. I am afraid of her. So many very profane and verbally abusive texts that I had to block her. She then began emailing my husband to do the the good cop/ bad cop scenario as usual.Trying to set boundaries... Anyone else see these behaviors during pregnancy?
Tinkerbelle

[Tinkerbelle]

Trouble with newly pregnant DD . Afraid of her.

[Turkish]

The only time my ex was really suicidal was when she was pregnant with now D6. I was on the verge of calling 911. But I knee she'd never forgive me and we pulled through it. 

It's sad that the grandkids are back with her in that environment.  Do you still babysit them at all?  What is she saying that results in you being afraid of her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Tinkerbelle,

I'm glad you came back; I've been wondering how you're doing. I'm sorry to hear your GC are back in that negative environment. Will CPS be following up, do you know?

You asked if anyone has seen these behaviors during pregnancy. My DD's behavior was actually better while she was pregnant w/my GS - everyone is different, huh? My daughter's behavior is worse when she's on her period, though. I can't help but assume hormones have some effect on BPD.

I'm so sorry to hear that life has been crazy but I'm glad it brought you back to us. We've got you.

~ OH

[Turkish]

My ex was better in general to me during the first pregnancy. I can't imagine dealing with mental illness given hormones associated with pregnancy. She was generally ok with D except for that month.  Christmas and her family (and me)  also triggered her.  She got her tubes singed later "because I never want to feel that way again." I was willing to get myself fixed but she later said she did it because my buddy felt pain when he did it.  No, he went home and was ok 2 days later.  He said it wasn't a big deal.  She projected. This is complicated stuff.

[Tinkerbelle]

Hi,
She was wild eyed, nasty ( as when she has thrown things at me before) and very profane. CPS is monitoring her for 6 months and is encouraging us to take foster parent classes.
She is expressing a lot of hatred towards me, and her behaviors, “ facts” keep rapidly changing. She threatened to get a restraining order  against me ( unsure why) and when I refused to help her babysit tonight ( trying to set some boundaries) she claimed she was sick, quit her job because of me , various other ploys and grandkids were crying and upset. Not so upset that she stayed home however. She left the 4 and 5 year olds all night with a sitter. At least she had one this time! My husband says the boundaries do not work with her/ I hurt her boys tonight so I feel pretty alone and unsupported.

[Tinkerbelle]

Ps. We see the boys a lot ( 3-4 times per week)since she wants to sleep over at her boyfriend’s house.I do not think she had hit them again.

[Only Human]

I'm so glad to hear that CPS will be monitoring the situation for 6 months. The fact that you've been encouraged to take Foster Parent classes tells me CPS is taking this seriously. I'm also glad you don't think she's hit the children again.

Your situation is heartbreaking, Tinkerbelle. One that, as you know, I can relate to. It's great that you are able to have your GC with you so often although I bet that comes with it's own challenges. I wanted to share a book that wendydarling suggested to me and that I am finding very helpful. The Power of Validation. It's a short book, chock full of information...

Twins on the way added to this and I can only imagine how concerned you are.

You have our support here. We understand.

I hope you find some time for self-care through all this.

Hang in there 

~ OH

[Turkish]

The Power of Validation is a great book. 

She left kids that young alone overnight?

[Tinkerbelle]

Yes,
She has apparently done this a few times. They wandered to a neighbor’s house and she stayed with them til DD home  from the bar. This resulted in a call from us to CPS and we got them for 30 days. They had a lot of seperation anxiety so we have a trusted sitter come for an hour occasionally just to show them we will always come back. Very sad. At 61 and 74 it is hard but we are their only stability.DD now calls me “elderly “ which my husband thinks is funny. LOL since he is the “ good cop” and 74!
Tinkerbelle

[Only Human]

What a good idea to have a sitter come to show you will always come back.

~ OH

[Tinkerbelle]

Hi Tinkerbelle

I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is back in jail again and how dreadful it must have been for you to dash over to pick up your grandchildren, only to find that they were already gone and with someone who you don’t know. What’s the situation like now? Did you call CPS? Did you manage to locate the children?

This is a dire situation and I wish that I had words of wisdom for you, I am hoping above all else that you manage to get custody of your small grandchildren

Hi Tinkerbelle

I'm so sorry to hear this, how frightening for you.  Have you found out where the little ones are? I hope something comes good out of this latest crisis for you and your family.



Do let us know how you are, you've been and are going through so much.

Lean on us, we care. 

WDx

H

Hi there Tinkerbelle,

I just want to say how pleased I am that you managed to get 30 days custody of your grandchildren.

Hi ,
It has been a roller coaster ride for sure. Thought DD was doing better in AA just to find out she is dating the guy with pending sexual assault charges still . He is a deal breaker for CPS. We had been allowing DD to have supervised visitation - dinner and sometimes giving the boys a bath and putting to bed. Last Friday she attempted a 8 pm bedtime and she slapped one child's face.

That's scary, 

Sorry, life has been crazy. Grandkids are back with DD. Even after CPS warned her to stay away from druggie guy who charged her with assault, she is now pregnant

Hi,
She was wild eyed, nasty ( as when she has thrown things at me before) and very profane. CPS is monitoring her for months and is encouraging us to take foster parent classes.
She is expressing a lot of hatred towards me, and her behaviors, “ facts” keep rapidly changing. She threatened to get a restraining order  against me ( unsure why) and when I refused to help her babysit  ( trying to set some boundaries) she claimed she was sick, quit her job because of me , various other ploys and grandkids were crying and upset. Not so upset that she stayed home however. She left them all night with a sitter. At least she had one this time! My husband says the boundaries do not work with her/ I hurt her children

Ps. We see the children

I'm so glad to hear that CPS will be monitoring the situation for 6 months. The fact that you've been encouraged to take Foster Parent classes tells me CPS is taking this seriously. I'm also glad you don't think she's hit the children again.

Your situation is heartbreaking, Tinkerbelle. One that, as you know, I can relate to. It's great that you are able to have your GC with you so often although I bet that comes with it's own challenges. I wanted to share a book that wendydarling suggested to me and that I am finding very helpful. The Power of Validation. It's a short book, chock full of information...

A

Yes,
She has apparently done this a few times. They wandered to a neighbor’s house and she stayed with them til DD home  from the bar. This resulted in a call from us to CPS and we got them temporarily. They had a lot of seperation anxiety so we have a trusted sitter come for an hour occasionally just to show them we will always come back. Very sad. It is hard but we are their only stability.DD now calls me “elderly “ which my husband thinks is funny. LOL since he is the “ good cop”.











Hi Harri,
I am not at all tech savvy so please let me know if this is what you meant and I will print it all out and proof read it .
Thank you,
Tinkerbelle


Tinkerbelle

baby on the way added to this and I can only imagine how concerned you are.

You have our support here. We understand.

I hope you find some time for self-care through all this.

Hang in there 

~ OH

a lot ( 3-4 times per week)since she wants to sleep over at her boyfriend’s house.I do not think she had hit them again.

tonight so I feel pretty alone and unsupported.

. Acting very threatening and unstable today. I am afraid of her. So many very profane and verbally abusive texts that I had to block her. She then began emailing my husband to do the the good cop/ bad cop scenario as usual.Trying to set boundaries... Anyone else see these behaviors during pregnancy?
Tinkerbelle

that she did that.  The kids told you? How do you think that CPS might be furious? At your husband?

I called CPS and they will be interviewing our grandchild.  DD was very nasty and refused to leave our home yesterday which almost resulted in a 911 call. Unfortunately ( despite my instructions about CPS’s requests of us) my husband today told DD  of the charge and her cover-up/ lies have already started. CPS will be furious . ...
Tinkerbelle

What’s happening at the moment with your daughter?

Thinking of you x 

. Please keep us posted on what is happening right now x 

quote author=Tinkerbelle link=topic=329356.msg13002795#msg13002795 date=1537574153]
Hi,
We have been dealing with our BPD, Bulemic and now alcoholic daughter for years  and live in fear for our young grandkids.We are unsure where to turn.
[/quote]