Introduction and admission I need help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,
I've been with my husband since high school and we are near 30 now. His depression anxiety and BPD became bad in 2012. We got help from a doctor, psychologist and psychiatrist- all hesitant to even diagnose BPD.
With smoking and meds he seems to keep it mostly under control, but cracks pretty easily. He cant work and that fuels the depression.
When the spiral starts he wants to argue with me and nothing I can do or say ever makes it better, it only seems to fuel the fire. There have been so many late night emergency room visits for mental health and even physical injury (he trys to damage himself sometimes)
I need help to figure out how to cope with the spirals, and advice on how to avoid it or at least make my presence neutral rather than aggravating in them.

Sorry for  long post, I hope to get some insight from how everyone here is coping too.

[Nauriel]

Hi,
I've been with my husband since high school and we are near 30 now. His depression anxiety and BPD became bad in 2012. We got help from a doctor, psychologist and psychiatrist- all hesitant to even diagnose BPD.
With smoking and meds he seems to keep it mostly under control, but cracks pretty easily. He cant work and that fuels the depression.
When the spiral starts he wants to argue with me and nothing I can do or say ever makes it better, it only seems to fuel the fire. There have been so many late night emergency room visits for mental health and even physical injury (he trys to damage himself sometimes)
I need help to figure out how to cope with the spirals, and advice on how to avoid it or at least make my presence neutral rather than aggravating in them.

Sorry for  long post, I hope to get some insight from how everyone here is coping too.

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[once removed]

hi Nauriel, and

youve been together quite a while. i am sure you love your husband dearly. im glad you sought some support for yourself in all of this, a strong support system is really critical.

can you tell us more about what starts the spirals, and how they play out? what do you do and say? there are tools here that can help sometimes, particularly in not triggering, and not making matters worse, but when someone reaches a point of dysregulation, trying to talk them out of it just about always makes matters worse.

its really hard to watch a loved hurt physically hurt themselves. what has he been to the emergency room for? does this happen in the midst of a spiral?

[Nauriel]

Hi and thanks once removed.
It's usually at night when there are fewer distractions available that something will trigger him. Today is part of a bad week and buying the wrong lightbulbs has sent him into a depressive spiral. I try not to engage too much at certain points of this as it can lead into "dysregulation? I am still very new to all of this as he has not been treated for BPD yet.
Yesterday he left on a drive and I did not respond to his text of - I want to die, hopefully texting while driving does it. He then told his sister who reached out when I told her that I hated him because I was ignoring him.  He takes time to come back home and will apologize for what's happened but usually doesn't have clear memories.
He has agreed to go to the emergency room (Australia public health care) to be monitored for suicide watch a couple of times and I or a friend have called ambulances with police escorts to force him to go as well.
He has broken his knuckles in one of the worst events when we were interstate on holiday.
He almost always cuts or bangs his head on things during these events.
I have had friends say exact things I have said in these times and he reacts completely differently to them. Its like my presence is aggravating to him and I cant do anything right. I almost always have to rely on his family or a friend in these times to even begin diffusing the tension.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear of the painful situation you are in, but am glad you've found us.  What has your H's experience with mental health professionals been like?  Is he willing to trust them?  Has he gone to therapy regularly?  Is he going now?

[wendydarling]

Hello Naurial

I'm also glad you've reached out to family here for support, as once says a strong support system is critical, it's good to hear you've friends and family. I've popped over from the son/daughter board, my daughter is just 30, diagnosed July 2015, BPD, depression, anxiety, psychosis, eating disorder …... . With the right meds and 14 months outpatient DBT my DD is in remission, she's managing her BPD. In 2015 she was suicidal, self harming, psychotic, visits to ER, two separate months in a wonderful Women's Crisis Home, a short stop before hospitalisation, it really worked for her.  Things can better Naurial, taking it day by day, small gentle steps helped me, and understanding how, we can talk more.

My questions follow Radcliff, what's been happening in treatment so far?

My DD is a quiet person with BPD, she's never verbally projected her pain on me, pick an argument, blame me …. when DD feels out of sorts, her world is too much, she takes her self to her room for quiet time …. and that can be however long it takes, hours, half a day, a day, a night ... .using her DBT skills to bring her back to baseline. I hope sharing a bit of my personal experience and while a mother, not a partner provides you some insight, while our situations are unique there are similarities.

I look forward to hearing more from you and supporting you forwards, walking with you  

WDx  

[Nauriel]

Hi Guys,
We went to his psychiatrist together a 2 days ago now. With some input from me we are being referred to a psychologist that specializes in cbt, dbt and can work to create a personalised therapy for him. This is a HUGE step in my mind.
He is incredibly intelligent and knows how to say the right things that hide his problems from professional help.  He has not gone regularly to sessions for a while. He felt he had made no progress with his last psychologist and kept cancelling appointments without telling me. Hes finally said why and asked for his psychiatrists opinion on it, hence referral.
 I have decided to be a bit more head on with issues as they begin to arise- try to help him identify when something is not right, eg not eating for too long (undiagnosed eating disorder?) , Reacting badly to something or substance abuse. As long as I am supportive and come across as least judgmental as possible, then give him space to think he seems to react better.  ( it only works at very early stages)
We are hoping to finally get some financial support from a disability pension so he can concentrate on therapy and complete some job skills training without extra pressure.
Wendydarling- thank you for a mother's perspective. It is really nice to hear from you.  I also have to kind of coach my MIL through this as  the problems really started getting worse once we moved out. Its particularly hard for her and FIL as all 4 of their children have various mental health issues. My husband and his middle sister the worst off.
Thanks for offering support.
I actually feel like we have a path to follow now with a referral happening.
I will keep up with boards for moral support and ideas.
Thanks again

[once removed]

This is a HUGE step in my mind.

it is! that must be a big load off.

I have decided to be a bit more head on with issues as they begin to arise- try to help him identify when something is not right, eg not eating for too long (undiagnosed eating disorder?) , Reacting badly to something or substance abuse. As long as I am supportive and come across as least judgmental as possible, then give him space to think he seems to react better.  ( it only works at very early stages)

this is a tricky balance, Nauriel, and you are right that coming across as supportive and not judgmental is crucial.

i would encourage you to read our articles regarding emotionally supporting our loved ones. i think if you put too much emphasis on trying to help him identify when something isnt right, things can get slippery. i did it all the time, very patiently (when i could be) with my ex. it can create frustration and resentment on both sides, especially when, inevitably, both parties dont see things in the same way.

asking validating questions can be a powerful way of supporting our loved ones, making them feel heard, and helping them look at their situations with more objectivity. learn more about this skill here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

I will keep up with boards for moral support and ideas.

good idea. support for yourself, and feedback are really critical in these relationships.

any update? how are things going?

[wendydarling]

Hi there Nauriel  

It's really good to hear back from you, phew, we've all been wondering how you are and your husband.  

Top form your husband is open to exploring treatment for him, the right person, and you've been there, gently supporting him forwards. I relate.

I'm stepping out my box here, DBT has been life changing for my daughter. She was offered DBT, Schema, Mentalisation, she waited a year for DBT having read Blaise Aguire's book, following her diagnosis, she now promotes on twitter https://www.mcleanhospital.org/biography/blaise-aguirre

Has your husband reached out, read, learnt how he can help himself that you know of?

i think if you put too much emphasis on trying to help him identify when something isnt right, things can get slippery. i did it all the time, very patiently (when i could be) with my ex. it can create frustration and resentment on both sides, especially when, inevitably, both parties dont see things in the same way.

So true once I can see how difficult this is for love partners.

Small, gentle steps Nauriel, for you, we are here.  

WDx

[Radcliff]

That is great news about the therapy progress!  Once nice thing about DBT for your situation is that it's skills training, so he'll start to benefit from it right away.  Though part of it will be discussing specific opportunities to apply the skills in his life, "opening up" to the therapist, or having the therapist diagnose is not a prerequisite for making progress.

RC