Introduction, BPD ex is on my mind

[JustDessert]

Hello all. This is my first post here, although i have browsed the information on this site for some time.

My story... .

I was in a relationship with an (at the time) undiagnosed BPD girlfriend for almost 3 years. The first year or so was blissful and i was convinced that i was truly in love with her, and that she felt the same. For a period arguments over trivial matters ensued but we went ahead and moved into a (rented) house together around the 18 month mark. This was the first time either of us had cohabited with a romantic partner and we quite quickly realised that this came with its own set of challenges. Along the way she told me that she suffered with mental health issues (they became all the more apparent) and after a trip to the doctors she was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed her initially with bipolar, then with BPD . Meanwhile the arguments became all the more regular until we reached breaking point, we both realised it was fast becoming an unhealthy relationship and decided between us to go our seperate ways.

This was around 14 months ago. For the first 3 months we had no contact with each other whatsoever. We were friends on Facebook but i can honestly say i checked her profile no more than a handful of times in that period, i needed the break (the last 2 months of our relationship completely drained me physically and mentally). Then came a chance meeting on a night out, it was good to see her, we chatted and got along as we had when we initially met. She was doing well and so was i. The conversation was light and we agreed that remaining friends would be preferable. From there we began texting each other several times a week, again all amicable and it felt good. At no point did i harbour thoughts of returning to the relationship. A few months on from there came a rather out of the blue text stating that she didn't want to hear from me again (the actual text wasn't unpolite), this knocked me a bit but i replied saying if that's her wish i would leave her be. In my head i assumed she was finding us being in contact detrimental to her moving on and that made sense. For me at the time i was enjoying being single and relatively stress free again.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and a mutual friend informs me that she has a new boyfriend, i have no qualms with this whatsoever but it has stirred up thoughts of our relationship, the good times and what i could have done differently during the low times. Along with this came a Facebook blocking (i barely use it, but had checked her account a few times since the reminiscing about the past had rekindled)

Since then my mind has been all over the place and i can't quite understand why. The relationship is long gone and i've long since written off any chance of it restarting. I even understand her not wishing to have any contact with me, if she has a new partner then she's doing the right thing. But still these thoughts of us have resurfaced and i can't seem to shake them presently. I had no problem being NC immediately after our break up but now it isn't so easy. Perhaps this is because it has been forced on me and i somehow have a grievance with that?

Any comments, thoughts or insight most welcome.

[Mutt]

Hi JustDessert,

From there we began texting each other several times a week, again all amicable and it felt good. At no point did i harbour thoughts of returning to the relationship. A few months on from there came a rather out of the blue text stating that she didn't want to hear from me again (the actual text wasn't unpolite), this knocked me a bit

I'm glad that you decided to join us after having lurked for a while. I can relate with having the first partner I cohabited with was an undiagnosed pwBPD it was intense. It would knock the wind out of me too if I were you, I understand that you don't want to go back going from a romantic r/s to a friendship you might some lingering feelings for her?

[JustDessert]

Hi Mutt and thanks for the reply.

I do still have feelings for her i care immensely and probably still love her. I couldn't ever go into a relationship with her again of this i'm certain. All the more confusion as to why my thoughts of the past have become intense these past weeks, and questioning what i actually want or expect. Been second guessing myself as to whether i'm actually jealous of her new relationship.