I see BPD everywhere. And I feel more broken & confused than before?

[Foolishwizdom]

It is almost two years since xBPDh and I separated. Divorced this summer (surprisingly amicably, I think he was relieved.) Unexpectedly met someone and there was instant chemistry. But I wasn't ready. I didn't trust myself. I kept looking for and seeing BPD traits in the new guy. And if he said something to me that was critical or similar to my xBPDh, I started to wonder if my ex had been right all along.  

What the heck? Am I gaslighting myself? I feel like I learned so much but now I am just confused.  I think I am stuck in the internalizing stage (mixed with some depression) because I can't express my anger fully. It is hard enough to fully express my pain.

I moved to a different country before I could admit my marriage was over. I clearly still have some issues to work through. And as I tried to date, the defensive reactions to triggers surprise me. Fear. Misdirecting my anger?  The new guy and I just decided to try being friends. We were in a cycle of invalidating and negativity. He was frustrated with my depression. I was becoming overly concerned with how he would react to something. I realize that as we 'ended' things (we are mitigating abandonment and rejection stuff by promising to still be good friends/neighbors) - I realized I still need to grieve the hopes of a family and the miscarriages I had with my xBPDh.  I have been intentional but it is still more raw than I realized. When I start to grieve, I don't know how to avoid the extremes of "I'll never have... "   I had gotten to a more healthy acceptance place regarding having kids, etc. when I was single and in my early thirties.  Having had hope and then loss now seems to make that acceptance harder.

All I know is I'm tired. And sad that this isn't over. Divorce didn't end the process. And I can't take a break from it and still make progress. It feels so much easier for a negativity spiral to kick in now. I recognize it. I don't fully accept the blame, pressure, second-guessing... .but the emotions are so strong! I even had my first thoughts wondering if I had BPD (whereas in the relationship if he said something like that, I saw it clearly as projection.)  This backsliding is making me feel so messed up? I know relationships are not easy. But it feels like it is just getting harder (even my relationship with myself, with God.) And I look at this board and just see echoes. Mine is one sad story among many. Has all the counseling, self-awareness, reading, and sharing really gotten me far?  Yes, I took a positive step and ended the marriage. We did it amicably. But did I just cope and do the inevitable. And now, equilibrium?  I am almost forcing myself to share because I struggle emotionally to see the point. Intellectually, I know that sharing is part of my HP.

I don't want to fix someone, I barely want to be needed because that feels like pressure now. I just want to be appreciated for the flawed but caring person I am. I just... .don't know what that looks like, how that happens. Hell, I just want to get back to caring about myself enough to have a purposeful but balanced life with friends, family, colleagues, and work. But I moved myself to an island where I've had to start from scratch and that is ten times harder to accomplish.

I think I will get a dog.

[Turkish]

What do you think feel that your ex may have had right? Was it projected shame that something was fundamentally wrong with you?

[tin]

Just wanted to chime in and let you know I can relate! I've been questioning the usefulness of my counseler and thinking about searching for a new one. I've been feeling a lot of confusion, self doubt, and questioning myself. I find myself hyperviligant around both new people and people from my past. When I spend time with family and friends I see emotional abuse in their relationships and want to intervene, but also don't want to speak up. I try to talk about my experiences and trauma and I think they are picking up that I'm seeing parallels in their partnerships but try to justify... .Whenever a guy tries to talk, connect, spend time with, or even just look me in the eyes and smile, I panic internally and try to distance myself (though honestly that's nothing new, and the current state of public acceptance of gender violence in the national news has a lot of people on edge.)

I certainly feel like in some ways living in the state of denial, dissociation, and self blame was easier than knowing that he has a personality disorder, no one believes me, and nothing is being done to protect people who are in his life from the type of damage I experienced.

I'm definitely also reflecting on the ways the relationship brought out the worst in me. And reading about disorders and abusive behaviors has me seeing myself in some things: for instance the bitterness, and resentment from being criticized made me extra critical, the continual conflict and chaos made me irritable, exhausted, needy, and with low self worth and a lot of self neglect.

I think the time after leaving is when a lot of the so supressed pain arises and we examine ourselves and our choices.

The fact that many of the close friends I confided in continue to stay close to him, collaborate with him, and enable/support him also makes me question my perception and reality. In many ways it's easier to think we were both hurting each other than thinking of ourselves as a victim. While we may be human an imperfect I try to remember the boundaries he crossed are different, and his need for power and control that became abundantly clear when I consciously worked to set boundaries with him.

Even the little daily things and small decisions feel like a struggle. I doubt myself and my decision making capacities often. And mourning the loss of the partnership and future and vision you shared it's totally understandable! Divorce is never easy, but escaping emotional abuse from someone with a personality disorder is a much deeper struggle.

Are there any small victories, steps, progress or changes that you have noticed? Any short term baby steps towards healing that you have set for today or this week? I'm trying to compare myself to myself in the short term, rather than me before the relationship, or comparing myself to others in this forum or the real world-but it sure is hard to rewrite and rewire our thought patterns!

[Insom]

Hi, Foolishwizdom.  Thanks for sharing your story here.  I hear you're feeling frustrated (and quite hard on yourself, I may add :hug about not moving on emotionally as quickly as you'd like after divorcing your ex with BPD.  I get that there is very often a gap between coming to an intellectual understanding that a relationship must end and finding true emotional healing. (FWIW, I am here - an adult woman in my forties - to process an intense, abusive relationship I had as a teen.)

Would it be fair to say you're still in the process of discovering things about yourself and the relationship that are meaningful?  If so, I'd love to echo tin's excellent question: 

Are there any small victories, steps, progress or changes that you have noticed?

I hear that in many ways you're feeling stuck.  At the same time you've made some tremendous changes in the last year or two.  Would you be willing to share a bit with us about the ways in which you've changed?

I think I will get a dog.

Not sure if you're serious here about wanting to bring a dog into your life, or making a joke, but because I love dogs so much, and think they have a lot to offer in the way of healing, this made me smile.   

[Harri]

Hi. 

We will lose what is familiar and feels safe and that is going to feel like we are lost.  It is disorientating and scary and depressing but it is part of the process and it gets better if we don't fight it. 
 
Sometimes we have to tear things down and let other things go before we can rebuild on stronger and more solid ground.  Backsliding?  Maybe... .maybe not. 

[MeandThee29]

Not sure if you're serious here about wanting to bring a dog into your life, or making a joke, but because I love dogs so much, and think they have a lot to offer in the way of healing, this made me smile.   

We got a dog after mine left. We absolutely adore her, and she's such an intuitive, loving mutt. No regrets.