Identifying and Expressing Feelings

[mama-wolf]

Today ended up being my last appointment with my T before her maternity leave.  We were supposed to have one more, but with the state of her pregnancy the doctor basically suggested wrapping things up this week.

She has encouraged me to continue spending time with friends and family... .with people whose love is "safe" for me to accept, who accept me for me and don't put the kind of demands on me that my uBPDxw did.

She also encouraged me to utilize this board as a kind of pressure-relief to get things out.  As I have feelings building up, she wants me to be able to get them out so that they're not denied, suppressed, ignored, etc.  That led us to a discussion about my difficulty in even identifying what I'm feeling, much less taking any step towards acknowledging that I am and then expressing it.  That's one of my biggest hurdles and I really think it's going to get in my way over these next three months. 

During our session, she did encourage me to set up at least one checkpoint with another T in the office, saying she really doesn't want me to deny myself support just because I feel like I shouldn't need it.  I had confessed to her that it would probably take something as serious as someone dying before I could bring myself to reach out in her absence.  So, at her encouragement I initiated scheduling for an appointment for about half-way through her leave.

I can at least say I don't have any problem identifying what I'm feeling right now.  I'm struggling with how sad I am that the time has finally come.  I suppose there are other feelings simmering underneath that one... .alone, afraid, a little hopeless, tired... .but mostly I'm just really sad.  I don't do sad.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

Hi mw,

Identifying our feelings can be hard.  Often it can be a combination of different feelings at once, which can also be confusing.  I'm glad that you scheduled the appointment so that you have something you know is set in stone.  Has this helped you do you think?  I felt cut adrift when my T went off suddenly.  Having something in place now is reassuring. 

Maybe you can make it a goal to follow your T's advice and treat it like homework (works for me) which you will be handing in on your next session.  I like her idea of treating this place as somewhere to offload.  That's what we're here for.  Be compassionate with yourself and let things unfold naturally.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  You will feel what you feel when it comes.  Just like it has now   

I can at least say I don't have any problem identifying what I'm feeling right now.  I'm struggling with how sad I am that the time has finally come.  I suppose there are other feelings simmering underneath that one... .alone, afraid, a little hopeless, tired... .but mostly I'm just really sad.  I don't do sad.

Let me rephrase that for you.  You DIDN'T do sad.  And now you do, which is OK and you're entitled to feel that way.  How does the sadness feel in your body?  Where do you notice the sensation of the sadness?  Sometimes it is good to focus in on the physical feeling and to notice how it's alright to feel it - in other words having that physical sensation isn't a danger to you.  Noticing it and allowing it to just be allows us to also notice that it passes without catastrophic outcomes from letting it stay there.  In mindfulness practice we think of it as welcoming a guest into our home.  I sometimes find myself thinking, 'Ah.  I have a knot in my stomach.  Better put the kettle on.'  Then I sit down and acknowledge that I'm having a hard time right now, rather than trying to make it go away.

How are you handling the sadness mw?  Is there something that it causes you to want to instinctively do?

Love and light x 

[Long_term_dad]

Today ended up being my last appointment with my T before her maternity leave.  We were supposed to have one more, but with the state of her pregnancy the doctor basically suggested wrapping things up this week.

She has encouraged me to continue spending time with friends and family... .with people whose love is "safe" for me to accept, who accept me for me and don't put the kind of demands on me that my uBPDxw did.

She also encouraged me to utilize this board as a kind of pressure-relief to get things out.  As I have feelings building up, she wants me to be able to get them out so that they're not denied, suppressed, ignored, etc.  That led us to a discussion about my difficulty in even identifying what I'm feeling, much less taking any step towards acknowledging that I am and then expressing it.  That's one of my biggest hurdles and I really think it's going to get in my way over these next three months. 

During our session, she did encourage me to set up at least one checkpoint with another T in the office, saying she really doesn't want me to deny myself support just because I feel like I shouldn't need it.  I had confessed to her that it would probably take something as serious as someone dying before I could bring myself to reach out in her absence.  So, at her encouragement I initiated scheduling for an appointment for about half-way through her leave.

I can at least say I don't have any problem identifying what I'm feeling right now.  I'm struggling with how sad I am that the time has finally come.  I suppose there are other feelings simmering underneath that one... .alone, afraid, a little hopeless, tired... .but mostly I'm just really sad.  I don't do sad.

mw

Hi MW,

I understand.  I learned early in life, as a  means of coping with a very dysfunctional family situation, to "live in my head" and to simply not feel.  It was safer there.   I'm coming out of that now but just in the last year, and still I often don't know what I am feeling. I get overwhelmed and need to take breaks (in conversations with the ex).  Sometimes what I experience as fear or anxiety is really just a top-level category of feeling, and sometimes I can drill down or feel into it and get some more specificity.  And, sometimes I can't.  In my break-up process, and in my process of understanding how this all came down and what role I played, I have had lots of feelings including sadness. I don't really "do sad" well either. 

What I do know is that you're in the right place (here) and you're doing the right thing (sharing).  Keep it up and we can all get through this cr*p together!

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi mama-wolf,

Oh, the day you have not been looking forward to.  I know you feel sad, that's understandable.  We are here to help support you in your journey.


I think you must be a doer, a person of action - me too.  When there is a problem, I want to solve it.  But, what I have learned about identifying and processing emotions is that you really don't have to "do" anything.  Just acknowledge it and let it be.  Some emotions or feelings stay on a little longer and some pass through more quickly.  

That is how I am working through the hurt I am feeling about the loss of my marriage.  I acknowledge the pain and just sort of let it stay with me until it eventually passes.  

Keep posting, we care and we are listening.

Mustbeabetterway

[mama-wolf]

I'm glad that you scheduled the appointment so that you have something you know is set in stone.  Has this helped you do you think? 

Hi HQ!  Yes, I'd say knowing I have a checkpoint set up is a little helpful.  I at least know it cuts in half the time I would be without that kind of support.

I felt cut adrift when my T went off suddenly.  Having something in place now is reassuring. 

So you do have something set up now?  I have been wondering, and am sorry I haven't checked in with you to see how that situation turned out.

How does the sadness feel in your body?  Where do you notice the sensation of the sadness? 

Mostly, it's a hollowness in my chest, plus a pretty strong feeling of just being tired.  Leading up to this, I have also frequently felt the urge to cry, though no tears come.  I don't quite think that last part is just about my T leaving, but it's there too.

How are you handling the sadness mw?  Is there something that it causes you to want to instinctively do?

Not so well, I think.  All I want to do is make it go away, and it's hard not to be down on myself for even feeling sad.  Instinctively, I want to ignore, distract, suppress, and otherwise deny the sensation.  I know I shouldn't do those things, so I am trying to focus on the things you have said, but I don't like just letting the emotions be.  I basically want to curl up in my bed, shut out the world, and stay there for a good long while.  I don't do that because I have to take care of the kids... .even on the days they're not here, I need to go to work and be able to support them, so I don't just curl up and hide like I want to.

I understand.  I learned early in life, as a  means of coping with a very dysfunctional family situation, to "live in my head" and to simply not feel.  It was safer there. 

Hi Long_term_dad, and thanks for dropping in the thread!  Yes, living in my head is a good way to put it.  I was only just starting to figure out how to come out of that, but progress will be much slower now with my T gone for a few months.

I think you must be a doer, a person of action - me too.  When there is a problem, I want to solve it.  But, what I have learned about identifying and processing emotions is that you really don't have to "do" anything.  Just acknowledge it and let it be.

Yes, Mustbe, I am very much a doer.  I want to fix it, and I have found that my sense of self worth is tied to being able to do something about a situation (which I know is something I have to work on).

The acknowledging part is something I'm having difficulty with as well.  Acknowledging I'm sad was hard enough for me, but something I felt "safe" enough doing under these specific circumstances.  Acknowledging feelings about the separation/divorce itself, the loss of the marriage, current dealings with my ex, etc... .that's much harder.  So much of these feelings (especially anger, but others as well) feel like such a waste of energy... .I don't even want to acknowledge I'm having them. 

My T and I discussed this, and how I would probably find that acknowledging them actually moves me forward (speaking to my desire to "do something" that will help me move forward).  It's a matter of figuring out how to overcome my reluctance and let that happen.

mw

[OrionLeonardo]

Hey mama wolf,

I think you did amazing at identifying some feelings already. It's not always easy to place a finger on them. I for a long time couldn't talk about what I was feeling out loud. One of my close friends and I developed a method if you will. We both had counselors and one of us had a feelings chart. The ones with all the faces and words describing them underneath. I used that to communicate some pent up things I couldn't bring myself to say out loud. Many times it was more than one or two emotions.

I also agree that not all emotions need an action. Some you can just be like Ok, I feel you. Then you can use them as tools for learning about yourself.

I am a firm believer that taking my situation and flipping the script from the initial shock and rage into what can I learn to look for or what to do/not to do with future people I love. It has not been easy. I still have huge downs. I have been able to sit in those downs a little more comfortably and assess them.

I'm also a huge fan of music as therapy. Some days its all sad songs, some days mad, and I've even been able to throw in a few happy song days recently.

Just remember you've survived 100% of your bad days so far. You can do it and have chose a great place for support when you need to express.

 

[mama-wolf]

I think you did amazing at identifying some feelings already. It's not always easy to place a finger on them. I for a long time couldn't talk about what I was feeling out loud. One of my close friends and I developed a method if you will. We both had counselors and one of us had a feelings chart. The ones with all the faces and words describing them underneath. I used that to communicate some pent up things I couldn't bring myself to say out loud. Many times it was more than one or two emotions.

Thanks, OL!  The feelings chart sounds like a helpful tool.  I have seen it before and understand its purpose.  It does seem like pointing them out would be easier than vocalizing.  What did it look like from there... .how did it work?  How were you able to move from that to actually talking about it?  Was it with a T or just your friend?

mw

[OrionLeonardo]

Thanks, OL!  The feelings chart sounds like a helpful tool.  I have seen it before and understand its purpose.  It does seem like pointing them out would be easier than vocalizing.  What did it look like from there... .how did it work?  How were you able to move from that to actually talking about it?  Was it with a T or just your friend?

mw

So I didn't do the faces chart with my counselor just my friend. It was pretty random when we did it. We took lots of drives together and she had the paper with her most of the time. When things got too much or she saw me shutting down she would pull it out. After I pointed out what I was feeling sometimes I would grab paper and write what I was feeling more in detail. I'm much better at writing things down. I think it helps me slow down the waterfall im feeling and focus on one at a time. Sometimes with how close we were as friends no real explanation was needed just identification of the feelings. For me I don't feel as a child/young adult I was taught how to identify feelings so when the snowball would start it often got too out of control. Most of my friends would say Oh you're mad or angry when deep down it was hurt or some other feeling. I was using anger as a mask so I didn't have to show "weakness".
I think the faces just helped give me a broader range of identifying the feelings. Like when you're sad but its actually more disappointment or hurt. Tons of times I started with withdrawn, then moved on to the under feelings.

I can talk with that friend now openly. We still use the paper sometimes as a reference. On the flip side when I'm talking with someone and I'm feeling attacked or invalidated I still shutdown. My ex could get me to shut down almost every time we "needed" to talk about something. She just knew how to avoid whatever I had said or tell me "well you're just angry" when I wouldn't be angry at all. Being invalidated was something I looked up after my first counselor suggested narcissism/BPD. I really tried to work on validating her in hopes she would validate me. Not always easy when the defenses went up but a skill I can grow now.

I hope that answered your questions.

[mama-wolf]

So I didn't do the faces chart with my counselor just my friend.

I think the faces just helped give me a broader range of identifying the feelings. Like when you're sad but its actually more disappointment or hurt. Tons of times I started with withdrawn, then moved on to the under feelings.

I hope that answered your questions.

It did OL, thank you!  I don't really have that dynamic with a friend myself, but maybe it's still worth getting the chart.  Did you work with your T on any of this and/or get input or feedback on the use?  I tend to wonder how my T is going to help me work on these things if/when she comes back from leave.

mw

[OrionLeonardo]

It did OL, thank you!  I don't really have that dynamic with a friend myself, but maybe it's still worth getting the chart.  Did you work with your T on any of this and/or get input or feedback on the use?  I tend to wonder how my T is going to help me work on these things if/when she comes back from leave.

mw

I didn't. At the time I was using this the most I was dealing with expectations and bringing myself back to center. I was having problems at work with someone. It came down to my expectations weren't being met and that being ok in itself for various reasons. I had been dealing with a previous ex and the emotions from that breakup.

I don't have a problem when I am in the room with my T. I know I'm safe and it won't leave there. During the phase of my life where faces came into play I was learning how to communicate what was wrong. At that point negative emotions came out as anger.

I would say the chart is still useful. I write and use it sometimes to gain clarity. Just a simple tool that has been extremely helpful. I got lucky with my friend who I did that with. She was the only person I did it with. I was lucky in she was one of the few people in my life who saw through the "anger" front and knew that it was a different emotion that I didn't know how to express.

I'm sure when your T gets back you will have lots to talk about. I hope that some things you find here and possibly other places help ease some of the stress of not having your T. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi mw,

Since the feelings chart idea interests you, there is a diagram that I have found useful.  You may already be familiar with it.  Here is a link to it:

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/GD8AW5NFBKg/maxresdefault.jpg

It is a feelings wheel.  It lists primary emotions in the hub of the wheel and various offshoot emotions on the spokes.  It was helpful to me when I was feeling something like discouraged to see what is at the root of that feeling and it is sadness.  This is my explanation - just the gist of it.

Check it out and see what you think.

Mustbe

[mama-wolf]

Since the feelings chart idea interests you, there is a diagram that I have found useful.  You may already be familiar with it.  Here is a link to it:

Thanks, Mustbe!  Yes, I have seen the feelings wheel before and like the concept as well.  I tend to wonder about the breakdown though, since I would think something like anger could be a spoke off of more than one underlying emotion.  Still the general idea is definitely helpful.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

I get your point mw.  I have found that anger can often stem from feelings of deep hurt, especially in children and no surprise my dBPDex.  Looking at the chart has been helpful to me too though, as I can find that I don't always get to the root of a feeling and understand where it comes from without some guidance to establish that, so having the words there can provoke some realisation in that respect.  Do you meditate?  Have you ever tried out mindfulness? 

Love and light x

[OrionLeonardo]

Hi mw,

Since the feelings chart idea interests you, there is a diagram that I have found useful.  You may already be familiar with it.  Here is a link to it:

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/GD8AW5NFBKg/maxresdefault.jpg

It is a feelings wheel.  It lists primary emotions in the hub of the wheel and various offshoot emotions on the spokes.  It was helpful to me when I was feeling something like discouraged to see what is at the root of that feeling and it is sadness.  This is my explanation - just the gist of it.

Check it out and see what you think.

Mustbe

Excellent resource! Cool stuff Mustbe. Thank you!

[Mustbeabetterway]

OrionLeonardo,

Glad you found  it helpful.

Mustbeabetterway

[mama-wolf]

I can find that I don't always get to the root of a feeling and understand where it comes from without some guidance to establish that, so having the words there can provoke some realisation in that respect. 

Absolutely!  Both the emotions chart and the wheel are great support in finding those words.

Do you meditate?  Have you ever tried out mindfulness? 

So, the short answer is no.  I have read about it plenty, and seen reference to it here multiple tones.  It’s not that I don’t want to or don’t think it’s valuable... .I just need to prioritize it more and actually do it.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

I hear you on that.  I do practice and am not doing great at prioritising well at the moment too.  What I can say is that the benefit is very evident when I do sit, and not practicing is when I see the difference.  Mindfulness has been hugely helpful for me in many ways over the last few years and I would recommend it to literally anyone as there is nobody who wouldn't get benefit from it.

The reason I asked is that there are guided meditations which are focused on sitting with, accepting and labelling emotions.  If you've not practised before, it is probably worth starting with a simple breath exercise first, just to get the hang of it.  There are tons of free downloads online and I can recommend some resources if you wish to give it a try but are unsure where to start?

Love and light x

[mama-wolf]

There are tons of free downloads online and I can recommend some resources if you wish to give it a try but are unsure where to start?

Yes, of course... .I would love some suggestions!

[Euler2718]

I posted somewhere else about this like an hour ago. I have been "shut down" like this my whole life. I don't know how to feel anything. Since she's gone, I can't sleep, if I can cry it makes me ok for awhile. I told the T that I needed to feel and he showed me the feelings chart etc.

The women want love. I can't do it well now (5 wkd therapy). I was shut down the whole time with the BPD -- I can't feel unless I'm safe, I was never feeling safe. Emotionally. And if course, she was always probing my feelings and I couldnt answer well (, lots of I don't knows).

I still don't have a clue how to begin to feel my emotions I hope there's a way.

You can YouTube "Tom trauberts blues" (Tom waits song) maybe it will break something loose. Meaning it's pretty sad.

[Harley Quinn]

I would love some suggestions!

I can't feel unless I'm safe, I was never feeling safe. Emotionally. And if course, she was always probing my feelings

Hi mw,

I've been thinking of you lots, mostly because I've really wanted to get back to you with the links I've pulled together and unfortunately I've had little to no time to myself to access the board for a couple of days.  Apologies for the delay. 

Euler, I hope something here is helpful for you too.  Feeling unsafe is a very valid reason to close off emotionally.  I fully understand that.  It's natural for us to protect ourselves and our bodies and minds are pretty amazing at doing that sometimes without our issuing instruction.  Being present, and accepting what is in the here and now (being mindful), can help towards breaking down that barrier.

As caring individuals, it can feel almost impossible to turn compassion towards ourselves and I am still working on that, although it gets a little easier slowly but surely.  I guess what is key here is that we have intention.  That is something we can build upon. 

I've gathered a few different links up and you may find some more appealing than others.  Read the blurb on the sites and if it grabs you, then follow where your gut takes you.  When it comes to guided meditation some voices click with people more than others and you may find you have preferences there. 

To start with, I found a site which provides worksheets that can be followed and there is one on Emotional Awareness which could be helpful. MindfulnessExercises.com Emotional Awareness Worksheet

I personally find compassion and loving kindness meditations really helpful to tap into my feelings.  There are also a selection of labelling emotions meditations amongst the sites below.  Anything we do to allow ourselves to stop and just be is a positive thing, so know that any time you do practice that is a kindness to yourself.  Do let me know if you find something that appeals to you. 

Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion

Living well - Thoughts, sensations and emotions

Mindful.org Difficult Emotions

Bloomfield Psychology free guided meditations

(There are many more, but with luck you will find something here to try initially that feels comfortable for you.)

Love and light x       

[Euler2718]

Thanks!

"Meditation trains you to be resilient. The more you can learn to stay with all the highs and lows of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, the more strength you can bring to each moment and experience."

Well, as I may have said, I'm mostly logical and want a reason before I commit to anything... .but resilience is something i want for myself, and is a great help (necessity) if you're romantically involved with a BPD.  I look forward to being transformed; I'm pretty broken, I think, and so I'm unable to care well for a woman at this point, though I burn with desire for intimacy.