Bad weekend with ?uBPD daughter

[BeauregardBear]

My mom had diagnosed BPD. My daughter age 35 says she is bipolar but after my mom died a couple years ago it was like she seamlessly stepped into mom’s role and I’m pretty sure she’s BPD too.
She and her fiancé live on our property after getting evicted from their house. She’s physically disabled but won’t get disability.
It’s been a bad weekend, for the first time in my entire life, and I am old

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome BeauregardBear,

You’ve come to the right place for support. Several of our members have parents, siblings and/or children that display BPD behaviors.

What happened this weekend? How may we help you?

We are here to listen and support you. We’ve got tools and resources for you to explore and practice. It may not ever be truly easy, but it can definitely get better.

L2T

[BeauregardBear]

Thank L2T,

My post said what happened, it didn’t end with I am old... .

Looks like when it was moved the rest was chopped off. Reading that brought some levity to my day, it made me burst out laughing, “I AM OLD!” 

So that was probably a good thing. It actually read something along the lines of “I am old and I had for the first time ever lost my temper to the point of screaming at the top of my lungs with sheer frustration.”

It shocked me. It really shocked me when it happened again the next day. It shocked my husband. It probably shocked the neighbors. 

I reached the point where I told my daughter that she would have been better off having a different mother, and maybe she wouldn’t be in chronic pain with a mother who ruins her life because I can’t or won’t continue to support her and her nearly 40 year old boyfriend—he only works part time.  Because basically I had a weekend of hearing how I do in various ways. Ruin her life.

I guess it was unreasonable for me to not like being raged at because she had no cigarette money and the boyfriend’s latest abuse, something about a new job opportunity which apparently I also didn’t offer support about even though she didn’t actually mention it (hmmm) all before I’d had a sip of coffee first thing in the morning.

I read something I had saved in Evernote last night about how if you find yourself veering sharply from your normal behavior, it’s a clue you’re about to be sucked in. “If you’re acting crazy that is because the person on the other side of you is crazy.” (not my words.)

I also tossed out a medication she abuses in a moment of madness. If I could relive that moment I would. Although my husband points out it’s something that triggers these episodes and she would use it all up in a couple days, it was still a gross violation of boundaries and is a symptom of how deranged this living situation is making me.

It’s interesting, I don’t know if it’s because of my personality or from having a borderline mother, but when a person rages at me or has this kind of rage that isn’t even specifically directed at me, if actually feels like physical abuse. Weird that, I’m going to have to some reading on this, I never thought about it before the past couple of days.

So. It feels pretty good just to write this down. Thanks for being here, I lurk a lot. Even though my mother is gone, she’s still hanging in my head some, so it’s helpful to read about the problem, fleas and all.

[Feeling Better]

Hi there BeauregardBear

Please let me join Learning2Thrive in welcoming you here   

Sounds like you had a really draining and exhausting weekend and you got really worn down by your daughters continuous blaming. No wonder you snapped, it’s hard sometimes to keep it in especially when hurtful things are said.

Hope it helped you some to write it all down - get it “out of your system”.

I am glad you decided to step into the light rather than just lurking and I look forward to hearing more from you x 

[wendydarling]

Hi BeauregardBear 

I join L2T and Feeling Better welcoming you to the family. I lurked like you, for about six months, researching, learning and not receiving the support of parents I really needed to grow and make changes, the missing part of looking after me! Go you for jumping in and joining us 

Whoopsie! Well I'm glad we made you laugh out loud, I AM OLD …. yes we do need cheer in our lives 

Wow, I can relate to you saying how shocked you felt losing your temper for the first time ever, screaming with sheer frustration, top of your lungs as I've never really lost my rag either. It sure is a message, to make changes and not to react, follow down the rabbit hole. How are you feeling now?

What are there changes you'd like to make for you? My 30DD lives at home and is on disability (UK) took her a while to apply as she was in crisis, it's not much as she lives at home, the principle of being responsible IS and it is the kindest thing for me to do. And I look to the future now she's out of crisis, she will leave home, with a job or on disability, she will be independent.

I've taken small, gentle while firm loving steps, so far it's working. I focus on one thing at a time.

What's your greatest challenge you are working through right now?

WDx