New Member: Help with BPD or divorce?

[kerosene454]

Hello, it has been two months since I asked my husband for a divorce and one month since he self-diagnosed with BPD after my lawyer suggested to me that he could be bi-polar. He will be seeing a psychiatrist soon and getting help with his BPD but for now I am living with his heightened mood swings after learning that I wanted to end our relationship. He wants to stay together and I can't take it anymore. I will be lookin through the message boards for any help I can glean but for now I just want to thank you for having this group!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi kerosene454,

It's really tough to live with someone you're leaving. I can only imagine the heightened mood swings he must be experiencing, not to mention how those moods and behaviors impact you.

What are some of the things you're dealing with?

Are there kids involved? What are your biggest concern when it comes to divorcing him?

Maybe we can help provide some support while you make sense of his BPD diagnosis and how it can impact the divorce process.

Glad you found the site 

LnL

[kerosene454]

Things I have been dealing with... .so much talking, hours everyday. Blaming. Accusations. Constant stress. Treats of intimidation (itself intimidation, sigh). Suicide threats. Anger. Crying.

We have kids but they are teens, one is about to turn 18 so where they live will be their choice. They have been hearin his outbursts and are not happy with his behaviour. They were sending me texts as he yelledat me on the phone to "ignore him... .he's crazy" and such. This morning the younger teen came up just to give me hug because they heard some of this mornin'gs tirade.


My biggest concern is for all of our well beings. He loves to tell me how this will be hell if I don't try and make up with him and stop mentioning the "D" word. I don't know what he will do. He won't leave the house, but I have a hard time leaving because my business is here on the property so if I leave it becomes difficult to make a living.


After his blow up thhis morning I called and am putting my lawyer on retainer. She has experience with high conflict people but my retainer fee went from 1500-5000 when she realized his mindset. I don't blame her. I'm sure we will go through it faster than any normal person would. Sigh. Why did I bother marrying him in the first place? There were signs. But I've stuck it out for over 20 years and enough is enough.

[livednlearned]

This board is great for sorting through the legal strategies and tactics for divorcing someone with BPD. As odd as it sounds, you may find that it's worth checking out the Bettering a Romantic Relationship board or read Loving Someone with BPD, only because you are still living together and the skills can help you pull through this hard time (by learning how to set limits and de-escalate the emotional dysregulations if they aren't too off the charts).

If I remember correctly, there is a really helpful chapter in that book about dealing with suicide threats. It's a violent act that you and many other spouses aren't trained to handle. My ex used to make threats and I mostly ignored them (I didn't know how to respond), and now I wish I did what the author suggested I do, which was to make it clear (during calmer moments) that I would call 911 and have someone skilled help him and keep him safe because I could do not do that. The thing is, you have to be certain that you will do what you say and follow through. Otherwise he will test what it takes to get you to call.

Your son coming to give you a hug made me tear up -- it is lovely that he cares for you like that. 

[ForeverDad]

This heightened conflict is, in part, an Extinction Burst where he's trying to get you to retreat back to his old comfort zone with you appeasing and acquiescing.  Once he comes to accept the New Reality, that your Boundaries are stronger and more healthy now, maybe it will calm down a bit.  Maybe.  Nothing is guaranteed.  But it generally does get "less bad" as the New Normal is more solidly in place over time.

Be forewarned that unless he is in meaningful long term therapy and he diligently applies it in his life, thinking, perceptions and actions, then any life together will continue to be up and down, just like before.

I'm not a mental health expert, but I have come to some knowledge about BPD and Bipolar.  Bipolar is primarily a chemical imbalance.  Meds can be very helpful to resolve things to a great extent.  However, BPD is a personality disorder.  Meds may moderate the BPD behaviors somewhat but therapy (and its application in all aspects of life) is the real answer.  Either CBT or DBT are highly recommended.  Do you think he would stick with therapy and truly apply it in his entire life going forward?  If not, and the discord/conflict are overwhelming, then divorce is the typical outcome.  Don't blame yourself, you tried, we all tried, it just wasn't enough.  No fault of ours, the task was just too immense.

[kerosene454]

Three days after I wrote this post I had to call the police and he is now under a restraining order and can not come near me or contact me. He woke me up to yell at me, broke stuff, came after me so I had to stop the insanity. Yes, this is incredibly stressful, not knowing what will happen over the next year, but it is absolutely necessary. I just logged into the computer for the first time in awhile and this quote from one of the BPD Family pages really stood out to me---- This is me... .I felt I had to try to help him but now it is time to focus on healing myself.


"9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible."