Son Lashing Out at Me

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, I'm new to this Board, but not to BPD Family.  What brings me here is that I suspect my 19-year old son may suffer from BPD.  I recently received a lengthy email from him in response to my sending him a message asking how college is going.  His reply was filled with venom and anger, like an emotional dam bursting.  I feel sad that he carries such strong emotions, yet I'm unwilling to be a doormat for his anger.  I'm having a hard time trying to balance my love for him as a parent with his hostility towards me.  I separated from, and was subsequently divorced from, my BPDxW eight years ago.  As the great sage Yogi Berra put it, it's deja vu all over again!

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi LuckyJim  

Welcome, I'm very sorry to hear your of your son's hostility towards you in response to your email asking how college is going. It must have been a huge shock for you, him lashing out at you. Many parents will relate to your situation of trying to balance your love for him as a parent with his hostility, behaviour towards you. Have you noticed any traits prior to this incident, you suspect he has BPD?  Have you spoken to him since?

You are familiar with the tools and lessons from the relationship boards. What tools and lessons to the right   do you think are most helpful for you at this time? You are right you are not a doormat for his anger, you are his loving father and how you react you can show him you are.

You are in good company, I'm really feeling for you, you are not alone  

WDx  

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lucky Jim

Along with wendydarling I welcome you here to the Son/Daughter board.

I am sorry to hear that you suspect your 19 year old son may be suffering from BPD.

I know how shocking and hurtful it can be to receive an unexpectedly angry and volatile email from someone who we love dearly, my own son was very good at sending that kind of “communication” to me. Can you think of anything that might have triggered that kind of response? But having said that, I don’t recall any triggers setting my son off. And then again at that particular time I hadn’t even heard of BPD, I suspected my son was suffering from ptsd.

I feel sad that he carries such strong emotions, yet I'm unwilling to be a doormat for his anger.  I'm having a hard time trying to balance my love for him as a parent with his hostility towards me.

I’m sure you already know that you’re going to have to have good boundaries, in order to avoid the doormat situation. I wish I’d realised that many moons ago, but at least I am now older and hopefully wiser. As WD says, you are in good company here and you most definitely are not alone 

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, wendydarling and Feeling Better, for your kind words.  My son and I have been estranged for several years, yet I still reach out to him regularly to let him know that I'm thinking of him and love him.  The recent email came as a surprise because of its extreme hostility and venom.

No, FB, I can't think of anything that triggered him, as my email to him was just a brief check-in asking him how school was going.  His volatile response was so intense that I realized something else must be going on.  At that point it dawned on me that the tone and content of his message was quite familiar to many communications I have received from his mother, my BPDxW.

Thanks, WD, for reminding me to review the Tools.  I think Boundaries will be important going forward, as FB suggests.

I appreciate your support and suspect I will be posting more often on this Board.

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

[Panda39]

Lucky Jim,

How does your son do in school?  Is it hard for him or does he typically do well pretty easily?

I'm thinking if school isn't going well for some reason your innocent question might have been triggering.  You know him best but the thought occurred to me.

Panda39

[Feeling Better]

I’m sorry to hear that you have been estranged from your son for several years, although it’s good that you maintain contact and continue to reach out to him. Am I correct in assuming that he normally responds to you in a more favourable way and this is the first time that you have received such an email?

Does your son live with his mother?

FB

[Lucky Jim]

Panda39:  Good point!  Yes, it's possible that school is not going all that well and that he feels outside pressures, with the result that I might have triggered him inadvertently.  No, he doesn't typically do well pretty easily and the transition to more rigorous standards in college (he's a sophomore) could be a challenge for him.  Hard to say, because so far he hasn't let me know anything about his courses or grades.

Feeling Better:  Thanks, FB, it's a daily sadness.  No, he doesn't usually respond to me, period, so I can't say that normally it's more favorable.  Yet I haven't gone away.  I continue to reach out to him with love from time to time.  Sad to say, he has internalized my Ex's characterization of me as some evil Darth Vader-like figure in the wake of our divorce.  No, he lives at college.

I remain hopeful that the tide will turn at some point, as the boys get out from under the shadow of my BPDxW.

Thanks, guys, for your support!

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

I'm thinking if school isn't going well for some reason your innocent question might have been triggering.  You know him best but the thought occurred to me.

Hey Panda39, You were right on target.  I met with my T today, who agreed that if my son is finding college challenging, my brief email might have caused him to respond with such anger and hostility.  He has to work hard to do well in school and it's possible that college level courses are quite demanding for him.  Of course I didn't ask about his grades, yet he might have taken it that way.

I've drafted a possible response, yet am sitting with my feelings before I send anything, just waiting for the water to clear!

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

[Panda39]

I love it when I can read minds   

Actually, I have a critical mother and that type of question could trigger me back in the day too.

In terms of your response... .deep breaths and wisemind 

Panda39

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, Two weeks after an angry, hostile message from my son (19), I received another email from him requesting an update for his iPhone to the latest model.  I was surprised to hear from him so soon after he lashed out at me for asking how school is going this year.  I surmise that I inadvertently touched on a sore spot by asking him about college.  I let him know that I'm still digesting his previous message and am not ready to discuss any potential upgrade to his iPhone.

I acknowledged his anger about the past and suggested that forgiveness, as hard as it is, seems like the way forward for us.  I noted that I've made mistakes, but have never done anything to hurt him intentionally.  I let him know that, no matter what, I love him and will always be here for him.  I asked him to share his thoughts, but haven't heard anything back yet.

It feels like I'm walking a tightrope because I don't want to reward his unkindness by upgrading his phone, which would seem akin to buying his love.  On the other hand, I care about him and hope to resume a line of communication after several years of estrangement.

Of course I'm familiar with the push/pull dynamic from my BPDxW.  I'm wondering how others have bridged this gap with a child who likely suffers from BPD.

Thanks to all,
LuckyJim

[wendydarling]

Hi Lucky Jim

While I'm not estranged from my 30DD, I'd take the line you have, unkindness does not = privilege, reward, love. A couple of questions for background from me that may help others too. Are you supporting his college fees? If so is it 50/50 with your ex? Does your son have a sense of entitlement? Does he often ask for gifts while estranged, ie he'll be surprised by your response?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WDx, Right, I don't want to reward his unkindness.  I also sense that he is attempting to manipulate me, which is why I put the phone upgrade on hold for now.

By way of background, I contribute but it's not 50/50, because my Ex inherited a substantial sum from her parents, whereas I'm still financially strapped in the aftermath of our divorce.  I suspect that my son does have a sense of entitlement, though I don't encourage it.  He has a materialistic approach to life in the sense that he thinks acquiring things will make him feel better, yet it doesn't last for long.  No, he doesn't often ask me for gifts so I can't say whether he will be surprised by my response.

We've been estranged for several years, though I make efforts to keep in touch, even though most of the time it's unacknowledged by him.  I like to let him know that I'm out here and still care.

I had a lengthy battle in Court to see my sons and, despite Court orders, my BPDx refused to cooperate until she was finally found in contempt of court, with the result that I had one meeting with the boys and a court-ordered therapist two years ago.  It was better than nothing, but proved ineffectual in terms of restoring our relationship.

I like to think that, as my boys get out from under the shadow of my BPDxW, we will have a chance to rebuild our relationship, though I'm uncertain of the time horizon.

Thanks to all for your support,
LuckyJim