the judge

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I went to vote yesterday and who is standing outside looking like some ordinary guy off the street but the judge who presided over my high-conflict divorce for the better part of 4 years.

I was with S17.

It was surreal to walk up and stand together, the judge and S17 and me.

I reached out my hand and told him he was the judge in my case, and he apologized for not remembering me, that he sees so many cases, and hoped he did the right thing.

I said yes, and turned to S17 and it was the oddest thing to see him reach for the judge's hand to shake it, not knowing who he was, why he mattered.

S17 later asked me what case? I said it was the case between his dad and me. S17 said he figured it was.

I didn't know what else to say. Sometimes S17 seems older than his years, and other times he seems so much younger. He is remarkably insightful and exceptionally bright, and yet emotionally arrested in many ways. It's like he has the intellectual comprehension of a 40-year-old, the innocence of an 11-year-old, and some middle school emotional acting out behaviors when he's pissed at me.

Is there any reason to go into more detail than what I said to S17?

What would you have said? If you have older kids, how much is ok for them to know?

[livednlearned]

I went to vote yesterday and who is standing outside looking like some ordinary guy off the street but the judge who presided over my high-conflict divorce for the better part of 4 years.

I was with S17.

It was surreal to walk up and stand together, the judge and S17 and me.

I reached out my hand and told him he was the judge in my case, and he apologized for not remembering me, that he sees so many cases, and hoped he did the right thing.

I said yes, and turned to S17 and it was the oddest thing to see him reach for the judge's hand to shake it, not knowing who he was, why he mattered.

S17 later asked me what case? I said it was the case between his dad and me. S17 said he figured it was.

I didn't know what else to say. Sometimes S17 seems older than his years, and other times he seems so much younger. He is remarkably insightful and exceptionally bright, and yet emotionally arrested in many ways. It's like he has the intellectual comprehension of a 40-year-old, the innocence of an 11-year-old, and some middle school emotional acting out behaviors when he's pissed at me.

Is there any reason to go into more detail than what I said to S17?

What would you have said? If you have older kids, how much is ok for them to know?

[worriedStepmom]

Unless he asks, I don't see any need to go into more detail.  I think you handled it well.

I was 17 when my parents divorced.  I knew it was nasty, but there was no reason I needed to know details.

[kells76]

Seems appropriate. It reminds me of the "conversation" Turkish had with his son, who commented that "Mommy cheated on you". "Explaining" what happened might not be helpful at age 8 (about "cheating") or at age 17 (about the details of the case).

You could think about whether you want to "prop the door open a crack" with your S by asking how that went for him -- I can't remember if he's the kind of kid who needs someone else to make an opening for him to talk. Maybe he'll bring up questions if he has them -- and maybe he doesn't have any at the moment? You could also think about whether "Let me know if you have any questions about meeting the judge the other day" would be helpful. Then the door is open a bit if he wants to walk through.

Sounds like you did fine 

[Waddams]

don't say anything else to him unless he asks about it.  then keep responses BIFF and unemotional.  he may decide he wants to know more, and as he moves into adulthood, some of it that had a big impact on his life, maybe it's justified to tell him enough so he gets the gist,how it affected you, and how it trickled down to affect him.

some of it might have a negative impact on how he feels about his father.  you know what - if it's the truth and it has an impact, that's between him and his father, and especially as he moves into adulthood, it's between him and his dad to figure it out in the future.

[Mutt]

Hi livednlearned,

I think that you handled it well it’s unrehearsed it’s hard to come up with something wuock’y When you’re on the spot like that. What if you had said nothing? It would probably be awkward if your son doesn’t ask then I wouldn’t get i to it, it’s a life event how often do we really talk about it on a day to day basis? If you talk about the case then it might seem like you’re against his dad and I know you wouldn’t do that, maybe validate his feelings about the divorce and not all of the nitty gritty details?