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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: It's my life, now I'm owning it.  (Read 526 times)
SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #25 on: November 08, 2018, 09:18:38 PM »

One of my interests when I started this effort to do MC was to create a safe space to work on dissolving the marriage.  I am not resolutely determine to end it at all costs, but, I think the majority of my mind is made up that this marriage has to end, sooner, or later.  I think I'm working on making it more like a negotiated settlement rather than an all-out war. At least those were the thoughts in my mind when I set the first appointment. 
I was perhaps wanting to aim this towards a collaborative divorce, as described in Splitting.  And, since I'll have a relationship of some form with my kids mom forever, my desire is to have it be constructive and peaceful where possible.

I do accept that I may yet decide to stay married, and keep my quiet thoughts to myself.  But, that would be driven by the same fear that has kept me playing along as the ordinary husband, just getting by for the past 21+ years.  I know what I want.  I don't quite know how to get there.  I'm afraid of hurting my wife's feelings, and giving her motivation to manipulate the kids even more.  I think starting this MC process was to make a place in which I had enough safety, courage (and a witness), to get my truth out.   

To do that, I think I have keep stirring up an inner anger to motivate me to change.  It's hard to change the status quo.  I live a lie, it works out quite well for my wife, and we carry on.
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RolandOfEld
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« Reply #26 on: November 08, 2018, 11:16:25 PM »

One of my interests when I started this effort to do MC was to create a safe space to work on dissolving the marriage.  I am not resolutely determine to end it at all costs, but, I think the majority of my mind is made up that this marriage has to end, sooner, or later.  I think I'm working on making it more like a negotiated settlement rather than an all-out war. At least those were the thoughts in my mind when I set the first appointment. 
I was perhaps wanting to aim this towards a collaborative divorce, as described in Splitting.  And, since I'll have a relationship of some form with my kids mom forever, my desire is to have it be constructive and peaceful where possible.

I do accept that I may yet decide to stay married, and keep my quiet thoughts to myself.  But, that would be driven by the same fear that has kept me playing along as the ordinary husband, just getting by for the past 21+ years.  I know what I want.  I don't quite know how to get there.  I'm afraid of hurting my wife's feelings, and giving her motivation to manipulate the kids even more.  I think starting this MC process was to make a place in which I had enough safety, courage (and a witness), to get my truth out.   

To do that, I think I have keep stirring up an inner anger to motivate me to change.  It's hard to change the status quo.  I live a lie, it works out quite well for my wife, and we carry on.

I am 100% on the same track as you on every item above, Sam. It's a great point that the lie works great for your wife, but not for you. I think all my wife wants from me anymore is that lie: successful marriage, unbroken home, stable husband, and everything that comes with that. There's no real love for me as a person. I've decided that its better for my kids to see me happy and in a real loving relationship with someone other than their mother than unhappy in this half-life I've been leading. It gives them a model for happiness, albeit one outside the traditional mom and dad stay together one.

That said, I think you and I are doing the wise thing by not deciding and exploding everything all at once. I admire the careful and strategic way you are negotiating the situation. I don't think real life always plays out like the movies where people just scream they want divorce and move out in a week. When two people spend decades integrating their lives together, that's not something you can rip to pieces in a month, especially with kids involved.

What is the MC's view? Does it feel like they are trying to work towards a reconciliation or a separation?

~ROE
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #27 on: November 09, 2018, 08:16:32 AM »

What I hear from you is that you are ready to leave this marriage, but you are going through this process to get some kind of closure?

Closure, or even an equitable outcome, is up to you.  Based on the history, you probably won't get it from your spouse.  You'll have to be the one to grant yourself Closure or the outcome you wish.
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Dragon72
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« Reply #28 on: November 09, 2018, 09:28:48 AM »

I was, am, very much of the midset that I wanted an amicable separation if it came down to that and was biding my time in the marriage, being an "inoffensive" husband and tolerating my wife, all the while dreaming of a life free from her and wondering how to initiate a split. 

I participated willingly in marriage counselling sessions, but I think that MC was really the beginning of the end for my wife. She could not handle the concept of being even in part responsible for the marital difficulties and, with hindsight I can see now that she began to look for things to pin on me to make me out to be wholly at fault and ultimately evil.

So she started to call me out on my perfectly innocent parenting by suggesting indecency, until a week or two later she whisked our son away, moved out, denied me access to our son and accused me of sexually abusing our son.

Yesterday was 3 months since I last saw my son.  It's been 2 months since she cut off phone contact.

My point is that stuff can escalate pretty rapidly.  I thought she was high functioning.  But I now see that the marriage counselling was really the catalyst that resulted in the nightmare that ensued.

As an update, my lawyers are now encouraging me to press criminal charges against my wife for parental alienation and denial of my son's rights to see his father and my rights to see my son. 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #29 on: November 09, 2018, 10:22:01 AM »

Excerpt
I'm working on making it more like a negotiated settlement rather than an all-out war.

Hey Sam, that sounds like a reasonable approach, but those w/BPD are often unreasonable, so be prepared for anything, as Dragon72 suggests.

In the words of Admiral Farragut, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!"

Keep us posted,
LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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