Any ideas what to do with and 18 with BPD ?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have 3 children with BPD.  My 19 year old son is somewhat stable.  He is living in a nearby town in a room for rent situation that also provides food and some social support.  My 17 year old son has been living with my sister in a  town about 4 hours away.  He has worn out his welcome there.  He turns 18 next week and she wants him out.  He cannot come live with us because we have 4 younger children and he is not kind or safe with them.  One of them is our 15 year old daughter also with BPD who is currently a residential treatment center nearby for self harm.  She is transitioning home soon and she is terrified of him because he has been unkind to her in the past. We also have 2 other special needs children at home that he does not respect boundaries with and is unsafe.  He has been in 2 residential treatment centers.  he came home to my sisters house from the most recent one in June.  He did ok over the summer but is getting more and more unkind to her as time goes on.   We were trying to get an apartment for him there and she was going to support him by taking him shopping etc.  Now she doesn't know if she can handle anything.  He is just toxic to her.  I have tried to help her with knowledge about how to deal with BPD but she is just done.  I wish I could get him into a place like my older son but I can't find anymore and they do not get along  well at all.  My 19 year is struggling but managing so I don't want to do anything to disrupt his progress.  When I talk to my soon to be 18 year old about what he wants for his future, he is very unrealistic.  he wants to go to colleges he can't even get into.l  He wont do any  research to figure out where to go.  He thinks that there is nothing wrong with him and everyone else is against him.  I have talked to my insurance and there are a few programs they will pay for but they are all voluntary and he will not go.  We have a bout $1000 a month we can use to help support him while he gets on his feet.  I told him that we only pay for basic food, shelter and phone.  Any comforts are up to him.  He does not like that.  We do not pay tuition or cosign loans.  He barely made it through high school, i don't really think that college is right at this time.  I have tried job Corp and California Conservation Corp but he refuses.  Someone suggested that if I could get him an apartment maybe I could hire a mentor type person to help him shop for food etc.  I am actually terrified of him living anywhere too close to me.  He has tried to kill me in the past.  He seems to have his temper in control better but he stilll scares me. Just wondering if any of you have any ideas or things that have worked to transition children to independence. We live in Northern CA.
Thank you

[mothrof3+2+2]

I have 3 children with BPD.  My 19 year old son is somewhat stable.  He is living in a nearby town in a room for rent situation that also provides food and some social support.  My 17 year old son has been living with my sister in a  town about 4 hours away.  He has worn out his welcome there.  He turns 18 next week and she wants him out.  He cannot come live with us because we have 4 younger children and he is not kind or safe with them.  One of them is our 15 year old daughter also with BPD who is currently a residential treatment center nearby for self harm.  She is transitioning home soon and she is terrified of him because he has been unkind to her in the past. We also have 2 other special needs children at home that he does not respect boundaries with and is unsafe.  He has been in 2 residential treatment centers.  he came home to my sisters house from the most recent one in June.  He did ok over the summer but is getting more and more unkind to her as time goes on.   We were trying to get an apartment for him there and she was going to support him by taking him shopping etc.  Now she doesn't know if she can handle anything.  He is just toxic to her.  I have tried to help her with knowledge about how to deal with BPD but she is just done.  I wish I could get him into a place like my older son but I can't find anymore and they do not get along  well at all.  My 19 year is struggling but managing so I don't want to do anything to disrupt his progress.  When I talk to my soon to be 18 year old about what he wants for his future, he is very unrealistic.  he wants to go to colleges he can't even get into.l  He wont do any  research to figure out where to go.  He thinks that there is nothing wrong with him and everyone else is against him.  I have talked to my insurance and there are a few programs they will pay for but they are all voluntary and he will not go.  We have a bout $1000 a month we can use to help support him while he gets on his feet.  I told him that we only pay for basic food, shelter and phone.  Any comforts are up to him.  He does not like that.  We do not pay tuition or cosign loans.  He barely made it through high school, i don't really think that college is right at this time.  I have tried job Corp and California Conservation Corp but he refuses.  Someone suggested that if I could get him an apartment maybe I could hire a mentor type person to help him shop for food etc.  I am actually terrified of him living anywhere too close to me.  He has tried to kill me in the past.  He seems to have his temper in control better but he stilll scares me. Just wondering if any of you have any ideas or things that have worked to transition children to independence. We live in Northern CA.
Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi mothrof3+2+2

You certainly have your hands full and I am sorry to hear that your soon to be 18 year old son is causing you concern right now. Although I am unable to offer anything of use to you in your area (I am in UK), I just wanted to stop by and acknowledge your post.

I am glad to hear that your 19 year old son is doing ok and is pretty stable right now. It is completely understandable that you do not want his progress disrupted at this time.

I hope that you are able to sort something out that is satisfactory for your younger son, hopefully some of the other parents here might be able to offer you some input that will help you in your area x 

[Merlot]

Hi motherof 3+2+2

Im not quite sure how you are still standing with 3 children with BPD. This must be absolutely exhausting in particular as they have been in and out of resiential facilities.

Im also glad to hear your 19 year old is doing well. I think it is great that your sister has been so suppprtive bit it is like she has reached the same point as you in terms of needing to protect herself.

Im not from the states so cant comment there, however it may be worth touching base with community services in your area to see what options are available. There are always many reasons why kids inder 18 cant live with their parents, so I would be interested to see what options are available there.

I hope you have good support around you as you have much on your plate.

Please let us know how you go.

Merlot

[Only Human]

Hi motherof 3+2+2 

I live in  Northern California but I can't think of any resources other than Job Corps or California Conservation Corp, sorry.

In your post I see a lot of what he won't do, I'm wondering if there is anything that he's willing to do that you can build upon? Unfortunately, if our children are not willing to take steps to help themselves, there is not much we can do for them.

I'm so sorry to hear that he has tried to kill you in the past, that he is not kind or safe with your younger children, and that he still scares you even though he seems to have better control of his temper. I completely understand not wanting him in your home or too close in proximity.

~ OH