ExPartner keeps pushing away

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I have been in an on/off relationship with my partner for the last 3 years.  I've recently discovered she has many traits of BPD. I've done research and read some books on BPD.  She has recently been triggered easily and pushing me away, our fights have been more frequent (of course blaming me and others), constantly told that she is not my "toy," and doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone. Yet, when she "comes back" or we "come back" to each other it's like we are in a relationship. I'm completely confused and lost, feeling helpless.  Some techniques I have come across have helped but of course there are times where, I, myself become emotional and "defend" myself, resulting in fights and separation.  How can I help the person I love and care for so much and not lose myself in the process?

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hello,
I have been in an on/off relationship with my partner for the last 3 years.  I've recently discovered she has many traits of BPD. I've done research and read some books on BPD.  She has recently been triggered easily and pushing me away, our fights have been more frequent (of course blaming me and others), constantly told that she is not my "toy," and doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone. Yet, when she "comes back" or we "come back" to each other it's like we are in a relationship. I'm completely confused and lost, feeling helpless.  Some techniques I have come across have helped but of course there are times where, I, myself become emotional and "defend" myself, resulting in fights and separation.  How can I help the person I love and care for so much and not lose myself in the process?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Welcome hopefulbutlost17! Here you find a supportive community of members who can help take you through the process and discover that you don't have to lose yourself.

My first suggestion would be to have a look at the communication workshops on the right  and post on other members' threads to gain context.

What seem to be some of her common triggers? Do you notice any patterns like time or day or week, or discussions of certain people or topics?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[hopefulbutlost17]

Welcome hopefulbutlost17! Here you find a supportive community of members who can help take you through the process and discover that you don't have to lose yourself.

My first suggestion would be to have a look at the communication workshops on the right  and post on other members' threads to gain context.

What seem to be some of her common triggers? Do you notice any patterns like time or day or week, or discussions of certain people or topics?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

Thank you for the warm welcome ... I began to read a few threads and have caught myself relating to a couple of situations some have shared.

My ex has a few triggers and after writing them down, it seems like I am one of them (we do live together but she goes back to her home when we separate).  We are not together, but of course, like many others, it is as if we are.

Recently, I have noticed a pattern of this happening mid week going in towards the weekend.  Maybe around Thursdays is when she begins to show her patterns.  She says that she is tired all the time (when she naps or sleeps, I let her), overwhelmed with school (she is taking college courses and is in her third year), people always comparing her to others or "talking about" or "making fun" of her, people "lying" to her, getting her business (claims that I and another friend are "Nosy" and "always in her business"), when I try to express my feelings, morals/values, advice/opinions, when I ask too many questions, and I'm sure there are more but can't quite think of them at the moment.

With my recent readings on BPD, I have noticed several traits that she shows and I have been trying to incorporate them in our relationship/friendship, well whatever you want to call it.

Please excuse the long entry... .I guess it's just for better understanding...

Just a quick back story on the last few months... we have been on and off for the last 3 years.  At the beginning of the year, I befriended a new group of ladies from the gym we both attend. This group of ladies were my go-to's with everything. I would turn to them for advice, share information about my relationship only to gain advice and vent.  We had a chat going on and one day my ex logged in to my facebook while I was gone celebrating my dad's birthday (mind you, we go into a fight because I wanted her to join me but she refused to go and of course I got upset).  She was able to read quite a bit of our chat and all hell broke loose.  She claims that I allowed my friends to make fun of her, told them private things about our relationship, and even joined on the "making fun of her" part as well.  She changed all my passwords and fortunately I was able to recover it and block her out from logging in.  Fast forward a month and a half later, and I realized that what I did may have been partially wrong and I wrote her a letter apologizing to her.  We met but ended up fighting and ended it, no contact. We had both applied for a summer job at the same place and both ended up working but at different sites (every now and then we had to work together, still no contact). I blocked her from everything; it was my way of "moving on" and I knew she was dating someone else.  She did find a way to contact me a few times from a different number, tried to start fights with me but I shut it down before she could.  Over the summer she dated a guy and he screwed her over, played her pretty bad. At the same time she found out this guy was playing her, she also found out her father was having medical issues. Her father had called me letting me know about is medical issues and I contemplated to contact her because I knew it was going to be very hard on her.  I did contact her and we had good conversations, saw each other, etc.  She shared how the guy she was dating was acting odd and different with her, how she was unhappy, etc.  I happen to know the guy cause he works at the gym we both go to and found out several things about him. I shared those things with her and she ended up ending the relationship.  I had no intention of coming between them, but to see the person you love and care for crying and hurting, I became very protective of her.  Ever since then, our little fights turn into big ones and she starts to bring up the past and blame me for her unhappiness, pain, etc.  I can't help but defend myself and again, all hell breaks loose. Mean and hurtful things are said, yelling, leaving, etc.  I end up realizing that sometimes I may be wrong and apologize (when she is upset she tells me "what you're "sorry" now, I'm tired of your sorry's), or she will realize that she was in the wrong and apologize. That's been our pattern so far.

Rewind to this past weekend. We had plans to go to church early in the morning because we had a beach day planned.  We both ended up sleeping in. I made us breakfast, ate, watched a little tv and she began to get ready to do some volunteer hours.  I was supposed to join her and wait 2 hours until she was done and then have our beach day. I "changed plans" on her and said I would meet her at the beach when she was done volunteering and she got "annoyed." I tried explaining that plans change sometimes (just like we didn't get up for church but she didn't see me react in a negative way) We had a little fight but I ended up going with her anyways. I admit I kept making comments that, now looking back, put her in the "shame" bubble.  On the was back from the beach, a friend of mine invited both of us to hang out. I asked her if she wanted to go and she said she had homework and if she finished in time, she would go.  Then a few minutes later she changed her mind and I began to question her as to why.  After a little back and forth she finally admitted that she had plans with a friend. Of course, I reacted to the lie and got upset but instead of fighting I just told her I didn't want to fight or talk and raised the volume on the radio.  She tried to ask "if you complain so much about me why do you want to be with me". I told her that she should ask herself the same question as to why she comes back to me and then I again said I didn't want to talk/fight.  I went out with a friend and the next day we tried to squash it. The next day she went to dinner with a former friend of mine whom she now befriended and it did bother me.  She asked "why do you get like that, it's not my fault he stopped talking to you" I expressed to her "it's still fresh and you happen to be in the mix (my gut tells me she told him something and that's why he stays away) and that it still bothers me" but I didn't make a big deal. She expressed "it annoys me that you get like that" and she left to meet him.  I ended up going to walk with a friend and when my ex was done with dinner she called me to see where I was.  Then she mentioned she was going to stay at her house for the night and I asked her "why" she said "i don't have clothes for the gym (which she did at my place) and I don't want to be driving back and forth from your place and mine so I'm just going to stay at mine." I commented "this is never been an issue before so I don't understand why it is now" and that's when she stated "maybe I just want my space" and hung  up on me.  I got upset and asked for my keys and that's when she decided to grab all her things and just leave my place completely.

Fast forward to today, we went no contact cause she blocked me for the majority of the week until last night.  She called me telling me "stop being so concerned with me; stop talking to my best friend and acting like you're concerned; you weren't concerned when you told me to leave and said you didn't care; leave me alone for good". I said "okay" and she hung up. I received messages from her two minutes later saying the same things and I responded in a calm manner trying to use the tools I have come across recently.I did sent a "good morning, hope you get some rest today" text and she continues to say "shut up, leave me alone, you give me anxiety, I want nothing to do with you, I'm tired from work, you don't care, I don't want to see you, stop contacting my best friend, drop off my shirt with my best friend, etc" My replies to all this are "I understand, I'm here when you're ready, I'm here, I hope you get some much needed rest." At this moment, I am still unblocked so she is able to contact me and vice versa. 

Again, sorry for the long entry

[RolandOfEld]

Hi hbl17, thanks for the details. It gives a much bigger picture of your situation and the BPD traits involved.  

To come back to your original question of how to help, I think one thing you need to clarify for yourself first is what your hopes and goals for this particular relationship are. Do you hope to find a way to get back (and stay) together? Or are you looking to support her as a friend and roommate? Different levels of relationships carry differing levels of responsibility and support.

I'll just mention in my twenties I had various relationships with women whose nature or purpose was not well defined, and it usually ended in me getting hurt. Living together certainly complicates things as well.

~ROE

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hi hbl17, thanks for the details. It gives a much bigger picture of your situation and the BPD traits involved.  

To come back to your original question of how to help, I think one thing you need to clarify for yourself first is what your hopes and goals for this particular relationship are. Do you hope to find a way to get back (and stay) together? Or are you looking to support her as a friend and roommate? Different levels of relationships carry differing levels of responsibility and support.

I'll just mention in my twenties I had various relationships with women whose nature or purpose was not well defined, and it usually ended in me getting hurt. Living together certainly complicates things as well.

~ROE

Thank you for your reply...
I want to get back and stay together. Although that is my goal, she wants to be friends for now and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. However, when she was living with me, it was as if we were a couple. We sleep in the same bed, cuddle, call each other nicknames, etc. There is no intimacy as far as sex and kissing, she set that boundary. When we fight, her words sometimes are “This is why I will never get back with you, yuh never change, so protective like I’m youre property” or she will flip it and say “I’m trying here and all you do is show me you’re not going to change and cause me pain; you being me down and I don’t need that right now; I’m stressed as it is.”

She messaged me last night and began telling me awful things such as “you broke me; you cause me nothing but pain; I want nothing to do with you; leave my family and friends alone; you’re so fake; fake heart; fake friends; fake everything”. I shared a recent discovery of mine and as to why I react to her “leaving” or “wanting space”. I, myself, have abandonment issue (my father) and as I explained to her she of course said “that’s not my issue; I didn’t do anything wrong”. I stayed to her that it is not her issue and it is mine but I now know why I react the way I do. I even told her that thanks to her and her telling me she was not “okay“ (with my research) I was able to find my own issues and try to fix them. I told her that it was my issue and i want to change it and that i made an appointment with a counselor.  She seemed to have calmed down towards the end of the conversation and even said “night”. I sent her a “good morning” text so we shall see how that goes.

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks for elaborating.

If you don't mind my saying, it sounded like living together certainly complicated your relationship. Perhaps now that you are apart, you can both get more clarity on your own issues (like seeing the counselor as you mentioned) and work to clarify what kind of a relationship you want. Once that is in place, you will be in a better position to support her if she wishes to address her problems.

However, If your ex has BPD or BPD traits, though, that clarity might be hard for her to achieve. For your side, I suggest you have a look at some of the skills workshops on the right. 

~ROE

[hopefulbutlost17]

Thanks for elaborating.

If you don't mind my saying, it sounded like living together certainly complicated your relationship. Perhaps now that you are apart, you can both get more clarity on your own issues (like seeing the counselor as you mentioned) and work to clarify what kind of a relationship you want. Once that is in place, you will be in a better position to support her if she wishes to address her problems.

However, If your ex has BPD or BPD traits, though, that clarity might be hard for her to achieve. For your side, I suggest you have a look at some of the skills workshops on the right. 

~ROE

Yes, at some point it did complicate it.  It felt right but then feelings go in the way and she would contradict herself so much.  This time apart has been helpful thus far.  I do still want something with her, but I do believe time apart makes the heart grow fonder, gives us both time to breathe and get our lives in "order."  I'm quite excited about speaking with a counselor. It has taken some load off my shoulders knowing where the root of my emotional issues are and being able to do something about it to become better. 

A little update on our situation:  We are on speaking terms.  Texting back and forth pretty decently.  No outburst or fights yet.  She asked for help with an assignment and I help her out.  She did agree for me to drop off some papers she needed for her assignment but it was no more than just an exchange and thanked me for it, saying she appreciated my help. She emailed her assignment to me to revise it for her and give her my input and I did.  Throughout the day she did mention that she is still dealing with 'drama'; I did ask but she changed the subject and I didn't push it.  When I sent a "goodnight" text she responded as well and then mentioned she was drinking. I told her to be careful and around 2am she sent me a message saying she was heading home.

I guess you can say the space has helped her come around.  I've read a few posts on here and others have been advised to wait for them to initiate any kind of meeting up, so that's what I have been doing.  I don't want to fall back in to the same patterns and begin to fight again.  I do know I need to let her live her life, fail, and make decisions on her own (whether they are good or bad). 

Thank you for the continued advice.  This has truly helped me so much!

[RolandOfEld]

I do know I need to let her live her life, fail, and make decisions on her own (whether they are good or bad). 

This is one of the key points to all relationships, and particularly in the case of a relationship with someone who has BPD or BPD traits, since being forced to take responsibility for themselves is the only way to offer them a path to recovery, if they choose it.

Wish you all the best moving forward and please update us on your progress!

~ROE

[RolandOfEld]

I do know I need to let her live her life, fail, and make decisions on her own (whether they are good or bad). 

Great insight. This is one of the key points to all relationships, and particularly a relationship with someone who has BPD or BPD traits, since being forced to take responsibility for themselves is the only way to offer them a path to recovery, if they choose it.

Wish you all the best moving forward and please update us on your progress!

~ROE

[hopefulbutlost17]

Great insight. This is one of the key points to all relationships, and particularly a relationship with someone who has BPD or BPD traits, since being forced to take responsibility for themselves is the only way to offer them a path to recovery, if they choose it.

Wish you all the best moving forward and please update us on your progress!

~ROE

Update... things have been decent. Still on speaking terms. Her responses are spaced out and she will be online (we used WhatsApp) and I suppose replied to someone else but won’t check my text. I try not to let it get to me. Then she sent me messsge today saying she think she has a stalker and sent me screens hits of messages a guy sent her on social media. Then she asked me to help her turn in a paper for a job at our school district. I showed up and it was awkward at first (she even said it under her breath “awkward”). . I  showed her where to go and helped her out, kept it civil. As we were walking out she makes a comment saying “I feel like your my mother right now belong and asking all the questions”. I smirked and said “please don’t say that” and we both laughed. As she was leaving there was an awkward pause as if we both wanted to hug each other but I’d rather it come from her (which she had a hard time admitting or saying when she wants something) than push it. We left and a few minutes later she sent me a text saying “thank you”. And conversatiknis now back to normal about random things.

I’m trying hard to understand what she’s doing. It’s just a little hazy. Any suggestions?

[RolandOfEld]

I’m trying hard to understand what she’s doing. It’s just a little hazy. Any suggestions?

In relationships in general, its hard to understand another person's behaviors when they aren't in open communication with us. In the case of someone with BPD or BPD traits, its like trying to understand why a tornado veers south inside of north. They generally do not have a baseline way of thinking about a situation or relationship and act based on what they feel like in the moment. If they have a loving feeling about you, they love you. If they have an angry thought about you, they hate you.

I do not know if your ex has BPD or any disorders. But based on her behaviors, I highly suggest against attempting mind reading and try to live your own life as normally as possible. I would wait for her actions and respond in the way you see appropriate.

Hope this helps.

~ROE

[hopefulbutlost17]

In relationships in general, its hard to understand another person's behaviors when they aren't in open communication with us. In the case of someone with BPD or BPD traits, its like trying to understand why a tornado veers south inside of north. They generally do not have a baseline way of thinking about a situation or relationship and act based on what they feel like in the moment. If they have a loving feeling about you, they love you. If they have an angry thought about you, they hate you.

I do not know if your ex has BPD or any disorders. But based on her behaviors, I highly suggest against attempting mind reading and try to live your own life as normally as possible. I would wait for her actions and respond in the way you see appropriate.

Hope this helps.

~ROE

Hi ROE,
thanks for replying.

I totally understand what you're saying.  It is just a little difficult to "go with the flow" when you're used to something.  A little update: we have been texting back and forth daily but our messages are just "whatever" and random.  Just not the same as they were before. I know you suggested not to play "mind reader" but I'm assuming she's trying to control herself around me and not "let me in" since I "hurt" her a couple of weeks ago.  I guess it just bugs me how she treats me since I've been the only one who has truly stuck with her for the past 3 years.  She mentions that she has these weird dreams and I suggested they were probably stress related and she agreed.  She'll ask me for help with some stuff and I help her out. We have seen each other twice briefly and it's awkward.  I guess just her attitude and demeanor are annoying me cause I feel like she's doing this on purpose but at the same time I don know and understand she is under a certain amount of stress. However she did call me rude when I didn't send her a "good morning" text this morning (I was in a hurry to get to work cause I woke up late, figured I'd send a text when I got to work).

I am trying to taking care of myself and do my "thing." So hopefully that will help. 
Your advice is always welcomed and appreciated. 

[hopefulbutlost17]

Well, this sucks and painful...

Since my partner post my ex and I have been on speaking terms. I’ve utilized some of the tools I’ve read on here but of course my feelings dongrt thr best of me st times.

Her father fell ill on Friday and she reached out to me.she kept telling me that she was hungry and wanted to get her dad food but that he was took weak to be taken anywhere. So I offered and dropped food off to the both of them and visited for a bit. I had a bridal shower to go to and she asked me to come back when I was done. I ended up staying the night with her at her Dad’s house and there was some cuddling anc comforting. The weekend was pretty calm and almost like we were back to normal. She even stayed over at my place Sunday night. I took the opirtunituu to be cumbersome and tell her about my emotional issues (I’m talking to a counselor about my anxiety and recently discovered abandonment issues). I began explaining my recent behavior to my ex and why i can sometimes jump to conclusions. During that time she wasn’t truly focused on our conversation she she had homework to finish. And she even said “I need to finish this real quick but we can talk after I’m done.” I thought that was nice of her to say so I waited. Of course, she asked me for help with her homework and I helped her. Well, we never finished our conversation about what I wanted to share with her. I blew it off and asked if she wanted to go to the gym with me at 7pm the next day (today) and she said “yes if I’m done with what I need to do.” I was content with that and we began to watch a movie. She asked if she could stay over and I said yes and we fell asleep.

I was in hurry this morning for work and asked if she was leaving or staying and I told her I didn’t kind her staying and gave her my extra set of keys but she ended up leaving anyways. She had class today sonher messages were spacey. I did catch her online at times (I guess talking to someone else) but wouldn’t respond to me.

Went to my counseling appointment feeling pretty good and then I messaged her to see if she wanted to go to the gym. I come to find out she already went and she said “I almost had an asthma attack doing sprints. I was going to call you but my phone was far away.” Then she mentioned a friend of mine (who happens to be the exgf of a guy she dated) was there and that she’s surprised I didn’t show up with her “since we are friends and talk.” Mind you my friend posted a video of me working out and my ex saw it. I told her I don’t talk to her everyday and didn’t know she was going. I told her I wanted to go to the gym in the afternoon and that I had asked her yesterday to go with me. Her response”you should come. You can come whenever doesn’t necessary have to be with me. I figured you’d come with your friend.” I replied “I know I don’t have to go with you all the time but I wanted to today. It’s fine. I’ll go walking with my other friend” her response “well i thought you gonwaljjng with your other friend now. Plus I have plans with my friend later” I said “it’s fine have fun” she said “I’ll just go have a nice day”. Put a knife through my heart why don’t you... sucks that I wanna there for her while her father was ill and even asked her to goneorkoht with me but since she’s “being herself” and “doing her thing” she easily forgets. I know I’ve made my mistakes but they are no comparison to hers. I want to be better and I am doing it. I know I shouldn’t take what she’s doing personally but it does hurt. It’s like I’m nothing to her or just another “friend”. I understand she will have friends which I’m fine with but i cannot be her friend with the feelings I have for her. I have tried and have failed. I feel like she takes my feelings for her for granted. I also respect that she doesn’t want to be with anyone either but don’t treat me like I’m just another somebody. Literally feel like a toy.

Any advice?

[RolandOfEld]

 
I feel like she takes my feelings for her for granted. I also respect that she doesn’t want to be with anyone either but don’t treat me like I’m just another somebody. Literally feel like a toy.

Hi hbl17, maybe instead of advice I can give you my perspective 11 years into a relationship with someone with BPD and with 2 kids involved.

I recently determined that my wife's illness makes her about 99% self focused. My entire family (wife, daughter 2, son 5) except for me was sick with a stomach flu these past 4 days. I took care of everyone, including her. I took leave from work when she would not. I took care of her. At the end of this, nearly collapsing from exhaustion, I asked her to watch our son so I could take a half hour nap. She was quite grouchy at the request.

Again, I can't diagnose your ex, but the behavior patterns of someone being completely self focused are already quite clear. If you put any expectations on her to fulfill your needs, you can probably expect to be disappointed.  

I no longer "expect" my wife to help with the kids or care about my needs. I just live like a single dad and take it as a bonus when she decides to pitch in, but I never rely on it. I'm not telling you to end your relationship, platonic or otherwise. But you need to clearly observe her capabilities and what she can provide to you.

What do you think?

~ROE

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hi hbl17, maybe instead of advice I can give you my perspective 11 years into a relationship with someone with BPD and with 2 kids involved.

I recently determined that my wife's illness makes her about 99% self focused. My entire family (wife, daughter 2, son 5) except for me was sick with a stomach flu these past 4 days. I took care of everyone, including her. I took leave from work when she would not. I took care of her. At the end of this, nearly collapsing from exhaustion, I asked her to watch our son so I could take a half hour nap. She was quite grouchy at the request.

Again, I can't diagnose your ex, but the behavior patterns of someone being completely self focused are already quite clear. If you put any expectations on her to fulfill your needs, you can probably expect to be disappointed.  

I no longer "expect" my wife to help with the kids or care about my needs. I just live like a single dad and take it as a bonus when she decides to pitch in, but I never rely on it. I'm not telling you to end your relationship, platonic or otherwise. But you need to clearly observe her capabilities and what she can provide to you.

What do you think?

~ROE

Hi ROE,

I'm sorry you have to live as a "single father."  I can't completely relate since my ex and I don't have children but I can relate as far as doing things around the house.  At one point, I was doing everything = cleaning, cooking, working a full-time job, working out and tending to her needs.  There was a point where she began to do her part and clean, cook, etc.  Then we go into a fight and now I am in the situation I am in now. 

Update: We got into a minor disagreement the other night, which was my previous post you responded to. After that disagreement, she called me through FT a couple hours later and right off the bat just said "can you help me with my exam?" Like really? So, I reacted with a smirk/laugh and rolled my eyes, in my head I was thinking "that's all I am to you. whenever you need something you call me, not even an apology for what you did wrong" She then hung up and I continued having dinner.  She called again and started with "You're really going to act petty just cause I mentioned your friend's name." So I "justified" my actions in a sense of placing a boundary. I stated "there's absolutely no reason for you to through S's name out there. We were friends before I even met you so don't start with this 'oh you're best friends' bit.  It makes me sad that you make comments like that when we had plans and you go and change them on me, but if I were to do it, all hell breaks loose.  I would have appreciated a text saying, 'hey I made plans with a friend later so I'm going to the gym earlier, lets reschedule' but no, you just go and do whatever you please without thinking."  Her reaction " here you go being petty again. now you're going to say I don't "see" anything, blah blah blah"  I stated "a simple text would've been nice. It makes me sad that you can't even send me a simple text that your plans have changed. if this is what you consider petty, then yes, I am being petty."  there was a bit of silence and then she said "I'm going to go" I said "ok"... .

I get a message later saying "It really does bother me that I needed your help. I was honestly struggling so much trying to read the damn questions.  I was going crazy on my own. I just needed you to help me understand what they really meant.  have a good one, goodbye." I used some of the communication and validation tools I found on here and it seemed to have calmed her down.  She did go out and drink because she was feeling like a failure.  I did get a text at 3:30 am telling me she fell asleep at her friend's house and she wanted to leave.  I mentioned her waking her friend up to let her out but she replied with "that would be rude" Really? but waking me up at 3:30 am to tell me you can't sleep isn't rude? Maybe I shouldn't have answered and been available to her like that but I couldn't go back to sleep until 4am. 

Yesterday was somewhat better as far as our conversation went. She asked me to help her with an assignment and look it over for her, and correct it.  I did, and she said she appreciated my help.  Fast forward to the afternoon and she's at the gym complaining about her back pain sending me messages that she can't stand it and no one can put tape on her back the way she likes it.  I've been putting tape on her back for the entire time we have been on and off (I know how to tape her injuries very well and she knows it).  I offered to place it on her back later on when I was done with my plans.  She agreed, and I even offered to bring her a surprise (her favorite food) to make her feel better cause she was hungry.  I asked to eat a snack and wait about and hour or so. She agreed.  I'm done with  my dinner with friends and text her, call her, no answer.  Of course, I start to feel insecure and get anxious and upset/bothered because we had plans.  About an hour later she messages me "sorry I got busy" Asked her if she was still coming over and she said yes.  I waited and she came over.  Showed here what I brought her and she didn't even touch it.  She said "you're acting weird and whatever"  (At this point when I feel insecure or bothered or anxious, I get distant and don't show affection). She then gets on her phone and ignores me, I ask her what she did all day and she said "nothing" I asked if she was going to ignore me and she didn't answer.  At this point, I feel like there is someone else even though she has stated to me a couple of times recently she doesn't want a relationship with anyone and she isn't interested in anyone.  But for some reason my gut tells me otherwise just with her actions and attitude (I'm a little too familiar with how she is when there is someone else).  She did end up staying the night.

I asked her this morning what was going on because she was acting very different and she simply just said "nothing, stop asking me. I'm just tired" She does have a lot of homework (she's in college) and when she gets overwhelmed she stresses. I do catch her online on WhatsApp but won't message me. I still don't get it.  I feel like when I try to get clarification from her it just turns into a fight.

So sorry for the long post, seems like a lot happens within 24 hours... .Sometimes I feel like just cutting her off and going no contact for my own sanity but at the same time I hold on to hope that this is just a phase with her stress from school and she's pushing me away or she's being "careful" with me since I "hurt" her and overreacted a couple of weeks ago.  Always telling me she's not going to tolerate my attitude.

Help...

[RolandOfEld]

She did go out and drink because she was feeling like a failure.  I did get a text at 3:30 am telling me she fell asleep at her friend's house and she wanted to leave.  I mentioned her waking her friend up to let her out but she replied with "that would be rude" Really? but waking me up at 3:30 am to tell me you can't sleep isn't rude? Maybe I shouldn't have answered and been available to her like that but I couldn't go back to sleep until 4am. 

Last Friday as I mentioned my daughter was sick. I took off work (again, she never has) to take care of her. My wife had plans with her drinking buddy that night and even though it "broke her heart" she couldn't break off the plans and I should text her constant updates about my daughter's status. She gets home so drunk that she passes out in the bathtub with the water running, so now I have to try and get her out of the tub and take care of a sick toddler. That's how she cares about her daughter?

Sorry just venting a little but hope it gives you some context. hbl I think it's fair to say that your ex is using you much in the way my wife uses me. I totally get how wou feel the need to "help" her, but by not letting her take responsibility for her own life problems, you are actually doing the opposite. It took me forever to get in this mindset.

Good work on starting to set boundaries, though. You will need to continue. What do you think the next boundary you should focus on is?

~ROE
 

[hopefulbutlost17]

 Hi ROE,
 I hope your daughter if feeling better.  

Yes, at times I would tell myself, "she's just using you at this point." It sucks. Not being able to rely on your partner, especially when you need them to most.  I think I mentioned in an earlier post or maybe on another... Tuesday night, my ex went drinking after calling herself a "failure" and blaming me for not helping her on her exam. She sent me a text at 3:30 am saying she couldn't sleep and wanted to leave her friend's apartment. I told her to wake her friend up so she can be let out... Her response, "that would be rude." Really? Yet, it's not rude to wake me up just to tell me you can't sleep and want to leave. I shouldn't have answered. I can relate to you on so many other scenarios as well.

In my mind, I convince myself that my ex is young, never has had stability in her life, doesn't have a stable job and is going to college. So I "pick up the slack." But when you're living at my apt for free (we lived together for a while), at least clean and cook.  That was a huge argument and in the end she would make me feel guilty and say "you don't appreciate when I do it so why should I keep doing it."  

Yesterday, I asked her again what was going on with her cause she seemed off and distant.  Long story short, we are not on the same page. We "ended" things for the millionth time.  She doesn't want a relationship (which I respect) and wants a "cool" friendship. I cannot be friends with her and she knows this.  So we have decided to go our separate ways (for the millionth time).  We stopped texting until I got a text in the evening saying "I have to thank you. I don't know what you did but my back doesn't hurt at all!" (I placed kinesiology tape on her lower back that's been causing her pain).  I replied to her about 45 min later saying "you're welcome" and about 2 hours later I get an ok emoji in response.  I know she's bothered that I'm not giving her what she wants.  I'm sure like yourself and a lot of others here can relate and say they cannot be friends with someone they love after a break up. Maybe a few years down the line, but not right now. She wants the best of both worlds and that is unfair.  This may sound bad but what do I get out of it? She cut off sex, kissing, holding hands 2 months ago and I respected her for that.  But everything else she wants.  She's extremely contradicting and it's frustrating. Basically, she can do what she wants but God forbid I do the same thing.  She doesn't want to tell me who her friends are (names) and where she goes because I'm being "nosy" but when I tell her I was at dinner she's quick to ask "who did you go with? you didn't tell me"  I think you get my point.  

So when you ask what boundaries I'm setting:

First, I will not be friend zoned.  Yes she is my best friend but in the way of you're my best friend, my partner, my lover, my world. I want a relationship, or at least work towards one. She wants a friendship. Not on the same page, there's no point in having communication because then boundaries get blurred and she continues to get what she wants. Second, I will not be as available to her as she is used to. She will not like that one but it's a boundary that has to be set.  She has plenty of other "friends" she can run to for help with her hw or other things.  I always wondered why come to me if you claim your friends are more important.  Third, I will not tolerate her placing my at the bottom of the priority list. I know you advised not to "expect" anything from her but I feel like this expectation is important and fair.  I'm willing to do 80/20 in a relationship every now and then, but not all the time.  I need my partner to prioritize me higher than her recently met friends.  I know for those with BPD traits shiny new things are exciting for them but I am not a door mat either, I have my limits.  I am one understanding person, now more than ever with all of the BPD knowledge and the feeling of my ex having traits.  But I think I not only speak for myself but others when I say again, we have our limits... .

I plan on not taking everything so serious with her either.  She can say some really mean things, cold hearted. I used to take them serious and at times still do, but with the tools I've read on here, it's helped more than ever.

I mentioned on another post that I see a patter when her birthday comes along (it's this weekend). We always "end" things when it comes around.  This is the 3rd year I will not spend her birthday with her.  I read someone's else's posting that maybe something significant happens around certain events, now I'm curious if that's what's happening with her.  I know she gets hyped up and excited and her best friend has a plan for that day. My gut tells me my ex will back out but at the same time this is her best friend that is painted "white" (I am obviously painted black) and she does and listens to her best friend. We shall see. I'm contemplating on sending a birthday message and/or buying a gift... .

My ex has a few stressors in her life. I feel this is why I've been discarded and treated this way.  I do know her best and how to handle her and her mood swings or how to make her feel better, what she needs, etc... .I do know she will end up coming back... But boundaries will be set, I just need to keep them there ( I have a tendency of giving in).