A Mind Blowing Experience: The Universe Was There For Me

[zachira]

I recently had one of the most mind blowing experiences I have ever had in my journey with BPD. Several months ago, I found myself attracted to a man whom I knew had to be a terrible guy yet I had no proof. This was during the worst crisis ever with my mom and two siblings with BPD. I could not believe that I was choosing someone who could never love me when I was in the midst of being rejected by my immediate family members. I had all these suspicions about him but no proof. I recently witnessed him hooking up with my neighbor, who is probably young enough to be his daughter if not his granddaughter. In a matter of minutes, this woman ran into him, eagerly talked to and leaned towards him, while he maintained his stone cold face and body language. This was how he acted towards me, when I decided I wanted him. While observing the hook-up, I noticed his face and body language resembled that of my BPD mom. Just before they walked off towards the only possible destination, the driveway that leads to all the apartments, he reached out to touch her and didn't in a likely response to her asking him to sleep with her. I always suspected that all this guy wanted was for me to hook up with him, and when I didn't invite him to sleep with me he was upset, and this is why he treated me so strangely. What are the chances of my seeing what I suspected confirmed? Pretty low, I think. I believe that the universe was watching out for me. I now know that I do not need to have my suspicions confirmed. Over the past few months, I have gone out of my way to find out what makes a healthy relationship. With him there was never any reciprocity, and it was all about him. My downfall was I was needing someone like my family members to love me to confirm that I was indeed lovable. I now feel victorious that I dodged a bullet. When he rejected me several months ago, I felt that I was indeed unlovable. Now I am so glad that he and I never got together, and so sorry for the woman who has such poor self esteem that she would choose a man like him. I also feel sorry for this man that he is unable to really love a woman. Any thoughts?

[Panda39]

Hi zachira,

I think you need to own it!  This is not the "Universe".  This is you learning, being aware, slowing down and changing your usual course, and getting "different results" than you might have in the past.

Just giving credit where credit is due.   

Panda39

[Harri]

As I was reading this, I was thinking, like Panda, that this was not the Universe so much as you.  You wanted him at one point, but so what?  You did not act on it and you kept working on it. 

I remember a couple threads where you talked about your attraction to him.  You worked this zachira. 

I hope none of that was invalidating but (!) I hope you can see what Panda and I are saying!

Good work my friend!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Zachira, 

Isn't it interesting how we are often given opportunities to step back and see what is going on? It's noteable to me that while you rightly identified what was going on within you when the attraction was strong, then you also had the opportunity for validation of those observations. You chose a healthy route when you made the choice to not step into that relationship any deeper. Now you have the validation of that healthy choice.

Another step of growth to celebrate!

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hey there, zachira. I agree with the others here. I think that this is the part where you pat yourself on the back and say ”well done”.

Good job! It’s always nice to see success stories around here.

[zachira]

Thank you all for your support and listening to my story. I have been trying to break the cycle for so long of choosing the wrong people and now I feel I am on my way.

[Fie]

Good on you Zachira.
I very much recognize the drive to choose the wrong person. Unfortunately we all want to 'fix' old childhood patterns, and unconsciously we want to 'repair' our past. I think I chose unhealthy partners in the hope they would finally love me anyway - contrary to what I couldn't get my parents to do.
Well done recognizing this pattern, and changing it.