Self-care; what's this mean?

[Euler2718]

Self-care; what's this mean?

I come home from work, I grocery shop, I exercise (need it to keep up endorphins my BPD left), pay bills, watch Frasier and The Office and Better Call Saul, go to church, repeat.

Just to occupy my mind I've gone to batting cages, gone to a movie, gone fishing 2 hours away.

So I'm still going through all my daily stuff. I hear lots about self care but no specifics. Are we supposed to do self-care to stay strong since love is often lacking, or since life is stressful? Is a bowl of ice cream self care? I would like to do this so I'm less reactive and needy (yah, I'm not BPD but I get that way).

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[desperate.wife]

Hi Euler2718,

Are we supposed to do self care to stay strong since love is often lacking, or since life is stressful? Is a bowl of ice cream self care? I would like to do this so I'm less reactive and needy (yah, I'm not BPD but I get that way).

You know how they say on the planes: first put mask on yourself then on your kid. One can't help anyone if one is unconscious. We need to stay balanced emotionally, be self-confident, think realistically, and see things for what they are. If we are healthy and rested mentally, we can use all those tools and manage BPD behaviours better. We all are needy in some way; self-care is to get those needs taken care of so we don't expect our partner to fulfil them.

For me there are two types of self-care:

Quick fix. What we do, when something happens and our emotions just to much to handle (read a book, clean, run, mindfulness anything to handle emotions caused by stress. Anything to change our mind).

Long-term self-care that allows to stay truthful to ourselves, enjoy ourselves, stay well-balanced (enjoying a hobby, regular meditation, sports, meeting friends, writing here... .).

Self-care is also seeking for therapy when needed.

It seems like you are doing it all right. Continue doing daily things. Enjoy them.
Better call Soul? I love it.

D.W

[Harri]

Hi Euler.  I don't really have anything to add to what desperate.wife shared, she did such a good job outlining self care.  A bowl of icecream can be self-care but so can a doctor's visit or a walk or a talk with a friend... .or even watching the sunset.  I found that sometimes self care is not always a feel good kind of thing... .like having a test I do not want or a procedure done but ultimately it is good for me.

Make sense?

[Euler2718]

Ok. I get it. Seems like sticking a band aid on a torn off limb at this point, but I'll keep going.

[Harri]

Hi again.

Not to be invalidating but (!) rather than a bandaid, perhaps it is medicine applied to the wound?

Self care can also involve learning boundaries, differentiation of self so that her words do not destroy or rule you, communication strategies so you can protect yourself from invalidation, projection and other poor coping skills.

Self care is not just about doing happy things and trying to have fun.  It can involve some very deep and very difficult work.

[Notgoneyet]

Ok. I get it. Seems like sticking a band aid on a torn off limb at this point, but I'll keep going.

I get that Euler,
When I got here 2yrs ago I was physically sick from stress/trauma & emotionally numb. Little by little I tried different suggestions found here & between this board the 12 step groups (suggested here as well) that I got into I'm in a much better place today. Self care & boundaries are a big part of that for me. I would have NEVER guessed that Yoga & Meditation would be in my daily routine either.
Still working/learning daily but in the right direction now after 36 yrs going the wrong way! 
 Keep on keeping on , Euler
NGY

[waverider]

Effective self care is doing something that you are enthusiastic about, that you get immersed in and find rewarding. Not just simply going through routines of what you are "supposed to do".

This is what gives your life meaning and the drive to get out of bed in the morning.

Thriving, not just surviving. Boundaries is a basic tool of surviving, goals are the instruments by which we thrive.

[Euler2718]

I'll try this stuff. Right now I've spent 50 years doing things b/c I was supposed to. I enjoyed some of it. When I was really depressed ( first 37 years) I had no passions. Right now not much amuses me either. But I'll think of something.

The bod was once like "are you just staying with me out if obligation" and I was like "no", but I wasn't quite sure about that.

[Euler2718]

The therapist told me to listen to this "healing spirit: guided meditation" on YouTube. Anyone else try this and see benefits? I listened to it I was missing her I don't know if it's supposed to fix that. It did sort of put me to sleep though.

[desperate.wife]

Self care is not just about doing happy things and trying to have fun.  It can involve some very deep and very difficult work.

Thriving, not just surviving. Boundaries is a basic tool of surviving, goals are the instruments by which we thrive.

True. It is not all about fun; it is more about making you feel good about yourself. Be sure what it is right for you.  Boundaries and values are very important. You need to know what is acceptable for you in relationships, what is important to you in life. It is important to recognise destructive paths you are taking to look for ways to better yourself, to change things that you don't like. It is lot of self-analysis.

Asking about it, wanting to feel better is a start. You need to find what works for you.

I am still working on that. I always had little things that I enjoyed and that helped me to relax, but I also allowed lot of things to happen that was not at all what I wanted. I had some boundaries in place, but with some important things, I compromised.

When first time I came here few months ago, I was in bad place. People here helped me to realise that I was not ready for another thing my husbanded was demanding. I was thinking about making him feel better and forgeting that it is not ok to me. Another thing that helped me a lot was learning about CBT. On this site, I found information about "Mood gym", and book "Feeling good". I have read only 4 chapters but it changed a lot for me. I don't do exercises in writing, but just knowing that what I feel depends on what I think is liberating. Each time I feel depressed I try to identify what I am thinking and that it is not as bad as I think.

Here is some excellent things from the book:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56200.0

You say you are doing things that you are supposed to do for years, but what is that you are really enjoying doing? Maybe something you were enjoying as a kid, or something you have never tried to do? It can be a hobby or different profession, or road trip, joining a band, playing cards, painting... .

Who knows maybe like Notgoneyet you will surprise yourself enjoying doing something that you never imagined you would do

I don't know this exactly meditation "healing spirit: guided meditation", but I tried guided meditation in combination with creative writing and it was something I enjoyed. Guided part helps you to stay focused. Worth checking it out!

[Chitchat]

The bod was once like "are you just staying with me out if obligation" and I was like "no", but I wasn't quite sure about that.

I relate to your pain and confusion. But this is jarring. If you tell her an untruth, you will lose respect. Try to work round to addressing this honestly somehow, unless you are quite, quite sure now.

Ice cream is self care.