Reflecting on this week

[Hyacinth Bucket]

This has been a hard week. We've gone a month or more without hearing from our daughter, so the reality of the situation (her no longer wanting anything to do with us) hasn't fully set in. I think my husband is taking it harder than I am.

I've been thinking about things she's said the past few months. It feels like short of us letting her move back in with us and spending most of our time with her, this was always inevitable. So it was inevitable. She kept saying she regretted moving out when she did (just shy of her 19th bday). We let her move back in a year and a half ago after she was arrested for trying to strangle bio mom. It was a disaster. She wants the comfort of having her parents close by and meeting her needs, but she's not willing to keep up her end of it. That was exactly what happened last weekend, too. She wants me to fully accept her (I definitely have) but also never get mad at her when she messes up. I don't think that having no expectations for her is the right thing. We had very realistic expectations. But having any expectations at all felt like total rejection to her.

She was never going to forgive me for kicking her out of our house after she left the front door open and the dogs got out. She brought that up several times this summer. Every boundary I have set with her has resulted in more resentment on her part. We have been consistent, we have always told her we loved her and weren't going anywhere. But expecting her to do anything with herself was too much.

Us buying the cheap condo for her to live in was partially symbolic on our part, showing the permanency of our family and that we believed in her. But I think it just increased the risk in her mind, of having more to lose.

She begged us to let her move back in with us earlier this year, in February. I think more than anything she wanted to go back in time and relive her childhood with us as her parents.  It's heartbreaking.

The absolute worst part for me to admit, the most heartbreaking part that makes me sick to my stomach, is that however much we love her and miss her (a lot), our lives are objectively better with her gone, on her own. I'd estimate I used 40-50% of my brain and emotional capacity on her daily, and she was not living with us. My husband and I shirk from drama, we both hate conflict, and the past few years have wreaked havoc on our emotional well being.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Hyacinth Bucket,

    So glad you posted today. What a pouring out of heart and soul. I'm so sad for your loss, for the heart wrenching hurt that goes with NC and accepting what you say was the inevitable.

   I just had my D to the psychiatrist yesterday for med. re-eval. I have such major life changes in the last 8 weeks, she can't deal with them and so de-regulate and uses excessive behavior. Like I need that on top of everything else. The point being I feel the same as you, I can't expect anything from her. If I do she folds or meltsdown. And she too wants me around to meet ALL her needs, and will not keep her end. The maze of trying to work within the confinds of BPD is endless. There is no navigation tool.

   Seems like when we hit a wall we end up back in the grieving process. Again trying to sort through whatever is left of our emotions. Endlessly working on putting the pieces of our lives back together again. When I feel at such a loss I mentally give my D over to God, knowing that ultimately He will do what's best for her. I keep you in my heart and prayers HB   

[Only Human]

Good morning Hyacinth 

I'm sorry this has been a hard week, I'm here with you.

 

I've been thinking about things she's said the past few months. It feels like short of us letting her move back in with us and spending most of our time with her, this was always inevitable. So it was inevitable. She kept saying she regretted moving out when she did (just shy of her 19th bday). We let her move back in a year and a half ago after she was arrested for trying to strangle bio mom. It was a disaster. She wants the comfort of having her parents close by and meeting her needs, but she's not willing to keep up her end of it.

... .
Every boundary I have set with her has resulted in more resentment on her part. We have been consistent, we have always told her we loved her and weren't going anywhere. But expecting her to do anything with herself was too much.

It sounds like your reflections have brought you to a place of understanding more of your daughter's mindset... .she wants the comfort of you meeting her needs without any responsibility/boundaries. I sure can relate to that with my own daughter!

 

The absolute worst part for me to admit, the most heartbreaking part that makes me sick to my stomach, is that however much we love her and miss her (a lot), our lives are objectively better with her gone, on her own. I'd estimate I used 40-50% of my brain and emotional capacity on her daily, and she was not living with us. My husband and I shirk from drama, we both hate conflict, and the past few years have wreaked havoc on our emotional well being.

I think many of us can understand this! I, too, shirk from drama and hate conflict. With our BPD children, it seems like drama and conflict are constant so it makes sense that our lives seem better when our children are gone, on their own. The fact that you estimate that you use 40-50% of your brain and emotional capacity on her when she's not living with you is also familiar to me.

Are you taking time for self-care? I'm working on this and it's having a positive impact on my emotional well-being.

How are you doing today? Do you have anything fun planned? It's a beautiful day in Sunny California and I'm gonna get out in it.

~ OH

[Daisy123]

Hello HB,
Oh goodness- how I hear you when you say your life is objectively better off with DD off on her own. It’s bittersweet, isn’t it?
I’m so sorry your DD has had NC. It’s just so peculiar that NC happened just after your amazing gesture of purchasing a condo for her. Did this scare her? I wonder.

I totally understand how NC can bring some relief. It’s so different and I don’t mean to compare- because the circumstances are not similar... .when my DD20 was in Residential twice this year, my husband and I were on great terms, enjoying each other’s company and free of police, scary self injury, away from BF and DDs arguments and suicide threats
It was such a relief. My H didn’t want her to come home. I actually enjoyed the summer.

We have our own lives to lead. Having loved ones with BPD challenges the amount of time we could claim as our own. It is one sacrifice after another and you, your H have made so many sacrifices. I’m thinking of you, your D and H. I am sorry for your loss, NC, to me is just like losing your loved one. I hope you and H take a much needed rest.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Daisy, yes I think it did scare her. She tends to self destruct anytime something good might happen for her. Being in foster care for 14 years and having multiple families say they'd adopt her and then not... it makes perfect sense why she's conditioned that way but it is so tragic because she got everything she wanted and can't accept it. I kept hoping after five years with us that eventually she could snap out of that.

I know what you mean about enjoying your time with your husband. Our relationship suffered horribly when she was still living with us, and at times even after she moved out because for a long time I was practically catatonic with worry for her.

Hi OnlyHuman,

I am trying to be better about self care. I've been taking a lot of walks with my dogs and taking bubble baths. Been trying to write in my journal too which I used to do a lot. I used to be so good about it before my daughter because I have my own mental health issues, but it's so easy to stop doing it when someone you love is always in crisis.

Hi Bluek9, you always write the loveliest notes. You are so right about grieving. I keep wondering if I'll ever get to stop grieving. It's exhausting and so unpredictable, the weirdest things affect me. Seeing stuff around the house that she's made for me doesn't make me sad, but I got really upset yesterday when I gave my old phone number at a store for a discount (I changed my number to spare myself the constant panic of waiting for her to call. My old number is on Google voice now and I can log in and check it when I feel like it.) I am really appreciating having some control over when I think about talking to her, I've never had that. But it made me so sad that it has come to this.

I did schedule a two week trip in December for my husband and me. Right now he doesn't want to go, he's too upset. I'm praying he changes his mind by then because I desperately need to get away.

[wendydarling]

HB  

I'm so sad for you and your H, your lovely DD has run. Through you I felt I knew her and was rooting for you both through every twist and turn. And I'm here for you now as you process your grief, feel and face your loss, your hurt, as you reflect. I can only see she's in a better place for having you in her life these last five years, she made some steps forward, by you communicating values, enacting boundaries crucial for healthy relationships, accepting her for who she is, this girls got potential.

Although it's overwhelming for you to admit I'm glad you feel some relief, release from the endless chaos and conflict and have time to focus on you, embrace your marriage, your own mental health.

You gave it your all HB, in your situation I'd have done exactly as you have and that includes setting your final limit of treatment if she makes contact, moving from child to adult.

You are a loving and courageous mother, your beauty shines bright.  

Peace and love.

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I checked my old number for some reason tonight. I had two voicemails from my daughter. I'm so happy I put it on google voice, I could tell from the speech to text transcription that she wasn't screaming. So we did actually listen to it.

She purposefully called in the middle of the night so she'd get my voicemail. She was reading a letter she wrote. It was pretty hard to hear what she was saying. The gist was that she felt too insecure in our relationship and she thinks we weren't ready for an adult child as 'broken' as her.

What I see happening is this: because she has no professional help, her options in her BPD view of the world are: 1) hate herself 2) hate us 3) this weird thing she's currently doing where she's released us of wrongdoing by deciding she's the bigger person.

It certainly is a better option that her previous two. And I really think that if that somehow helps her, believing that she did all she could with us and we were a lost cause, it's okay. We are at an impasse because she has developed skills to state how she feels, but she has not developed any to listen and take feedback on how other people feel. So there is no way my husband and I could tell her our perspective on this story right now.

She ended the call with "Goodbye, I love you, if you ever want to talk you know where I am."

That was the only part that upset me. My singular mission for the last five years was to make it absolutely clear that she is loved in this world. So having that open ended, it's really hard. I hope she knows that I love her. I think she does. That is all I would manage to say to her right now. I can't do anything more than that. So I have to just leave it hanging. I hate that. I also don't believe that she's really okay with leaving things like this, so I feel like if I don't respond, we will continue to hear from her. I guess we will find out.

I wonder, if I have nothing left to lose, whether it's worth it someday to tell her that she has untreated borderline personality disorder. I still think she knows on some level, though.

You all have been so helpful and wonderful this week. There are no words to describe what a lifesaver it is to have found a community of people who truly understand. Thank you.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Now I'm awake in the middle of the night again. She said that she thinks we have a lot of work to do on ourselves before we can have the type of relationship she wants with us.

I guess I could be wrong but I don't think so... .I believe what she wants from us is codependency. Or if not that, she definitely wanted me to be all things to her... best friend, mom, therapist, confidant, verbal punching bag. I remember either reading or my therapist telling me that the lines of self are so blurred with BPD that they often can't see any difference between the people they love and themselves. I think she actively wants that. To feel so connected to someone else that your needs are inseparable. Oh I'm describing codependency aren't I?

I totally get how it makes sense to her. It's hard to accept that she is unreachable and that interacting would be completely unproductive but I know that's the case.

This sucks.

[Only Human]

Hi HB 

I understand why you had a sleepless night. Hearing from your DD, having things left "hanging," it's a lot to deal with on top of your rough week. I hope that you get some good sleep soon.

she definitely wanted me to be all things to her... best friend, mom, therapist, confidant, verbal punching bag.

This resonates with me because I believe my DD relied on me to be all those things as well.

I'm glad you're taking walks with your dogs and getting back into journaling. I forgot about journaling but there is something about getting things out of my head and onto paper that has worked for me in the past. Like you, I tend to drop everything when my DD is in crisis. I'm also working on better self-care, such a foreign concept for me, the caretaker.

Stay strong, HB. We're all in this together and I'm so glad we are!

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hi HB

You were very brave to read those google messages and I can hear they are helpful, though they have you up thinking through in the middle of the night. 

She's obviously thought long and hard, written a letter, as you say she's good at explaining how she feels and if her perception of the situation helps her be the bigger person. She's left the door open she's trying to get in, on her terms, open dialogue. I'm smiling when she says you both have to work on yourselves, I wonder what she's expecting from that.

This does suck, she's unreachable for now. My DD said she always knew something was wrong, so thinking your DD knows on a higher level is likely.

That the relationship made her feel insecure, leaving is a better option. Perhaps this is what she needs right now to be responsible for herself, to learn without a safety net. Some parents say it was the best thing their child leaving home.

Hope you catch up on yer zzzzz's HB.

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi WD, yeah, I think my main worry is that she has tried to go off on her own many times before and each time it's ended in disaster. The difference now is that we arent going to help her anymore. I wonder if she actually has realized that.

Hi OH, thank you, I'm glad we are all here together too! I did sleep decently last night, and I keep coming to the same conclusion (that she's unreachable currently), so that is good. I tend to question myself a lot, so I'm glad I keep coming to the same conclusion.

I hope you have a lovely day

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders