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Author Topic: How do I go NC with my mom?  (Read 357 times)
whitesheep68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« on: October 14, 2018, 01:06:50 PM »

Hello all- I have returned to this board for support. My Mom is BPD/NPD and we've always had a rough relationship. There have been many issues over the past year that have culminated in me going LC and shooting towards NC. One of the things I feel she does is share important family issues with everyone but me. I feel she gains some strange power in doing this and glorifies when I find out something "fourth-hand" Without triangling in my sister I've explained this to her and we now have an agreement that anything medical or life threatening we will share with each other b/c now it is a "given" my Mom won't tell me.  I have worked very hard in therapy and have even done EMDR on traumas due to her. I know I am in an eternal grief process grieving what I deserved instead and keep thinking I am doing ok. I get blindsided by the feelings of being excluded and know it is a power play on her part. It is difficult to just take it. There is no discussing this with her... .she would just gaslight and tell me I'm being paranoid. My stepfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and this is one bit of information she purposefully didn't share. She told my sister only who told me. I reclaimed my power by calling him and checking on him, etc. But it still didn't feel good. On another note I was married this year in may ( a second marriage) I invited my Mom ( probably more to stay in good graces with my sister) and she was ok on the day. When I asked her for pictures of the 4 of us she said "she didnt like them". I discovered on facebook she didn't post one thing about the wedding ( this is after I just saw her posts in my newsfeed) she had me blocked for years and apparently unblocked me. I feel for the mostpart ok have worked very hard to create my own joy, peace and happiness in my relationships despite her mistreatment. I guess I am looking for support b/c I keep finding this affecting me when i think I'm all set. a couple weekends i didn't get out of bed for a whole weekend, it really knocked me down unexpectedly. I know logically this is "her" but it's hard to be targeted indirectly and insidiously when i'm minding my own business in my own life. She is the queen of silent treatments and emotional cutoffs... .I'm trying to enjoy the silence. Looking for support how to go NC. I used to worry about impact on mine and My sister's relationship. I no longer do. She knows I am the scapegoat and did nothing wrong and says right to me " Mom is really mean to you and I don't get it"
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Harri
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2018, 08:36:16 PM »

Hi whitesheep and welcome back.  When were you here last?  Congrats on your recent wedding!  That is wonderful news. 

I am sorry your mother excludes you the way she does.  That is very hurtful and confusing but it is great that your sister has agreed to keep you informed of the important events. 

Excerpt
I get blindsided by the feelings of being excluded and know it is a power play on her part. It is difficult to just take it. There is no discussing this with her... .she would just gaslight and tell me I'm being paranoid. My stepfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and this is one bit of information she purposefully didn't share. She told my sister only who told me. I reclaimed my power by calling him and checking on him, etc. But it still didn't feel good.
Her behavior is hurtful so of course you feel it.  I agree there is little point in discussing it with her.  My advice is to not let her know how much this hurts you.  She may in fact stop doing these things if she thinks she can't touch you with them.

Excerpt
I feel for the most part ok have worked very hard to create my own joy, peace and happiness in my relationships despite her mistreatment. I guess I am looking for support b/c I keep finding this affecting me when i think I'm all set. a couple weekends i didn't get out of bed for a whole weekend, it really knocked me down unexpectedly. I know logically this is "her" but it's hard to be targeted indirectly and insidiously when i'm minding my own business in my own life. She is the queen of silent treatments and emotional cutoffs... .I'm trying to enjoy the silence. Looking for support how to go NC. I used to worry about impact on mine and My sister's relationship. I no longer do. She knows I am the scapegoat and did nothing wrong and says right to me " Mom is really mean to you and I don't get it"
I am sorry you are struggling so hard with this.  It is hard and that is why learning to detach and protect our selves emotionally is so important.  We can help you if you choose to go no contact but that is a very personal choice that has to come from you.  It is wonderful that your sister can support you as well.  Don't forget to include us in your support network as well.

I hope you settle in and continue to post about yur feelings and that you feel free to jump into other threads as well,  It is amazing how much help we get and how much we learn when we can see others situations.

I am glad you found us and posted. 

Take care.
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
whitesheep68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2018, 09:10:29 PM »

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I look forward to insights from others in going no contact. I feel like It is validating and helpful to hear it is ok to detach and protect myself. Thank you for that!
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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2018, 07:36:34 AM »

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I look forward to insights from others in going no contact. I feel like It is validating and helpful to hear it is ok to detach and protect myself. Thank you for that!

Hi whitesheep68,

No Contact (NC) is a boundary and boundaries are about our values and what is good for us.  I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share two daughters.  One daughter is low contact with her mom text/phone and the occasional lunch or coffee (which usually doesn't go well) and the older daughter is NC with her mom (and carries a lot of anger towards her).  Both have been emotionally abused by their mother and in some cases physically neglected during their parent's divorce.

I think you need to do what is best for you, whether that is LC or NC.  Either path is tricky in it's own way.  Low contact involves setting and maintaining a lot of smaller boundaries, and can involve still getting hurt.  NC can involve grieving and guilt and even anger.  No choice is easy.  Then you throw in society's view of the mother (the perfect loving, can do no wrong image), the fact that people outside of the BPD parent experience will tell you to forgive and forget, or give her another chance etc. things get more difficult.  But you have every right to live your life and choose who is or is not in it.

I also want to say that any approach you choose does not need to be set in stone you can go NC and work on yourself, or learn new tools and approaches then go back to LC for example.  You can try setting other boundaries before going LC/NC.  It sounds like you have been try other approaches for sometime though and NC is now where you find yourself.

We will support whatever choice you feel is right for you and your situation. 

I'm glad you decided to come here and talk it through, everyone here has someone with BPD/BPD traits in their life we all get it.

Take Care,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
whitesheep68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2018, 04:54:58 PM »

Thank you! It is good to know once i decide that it isn't written in stone. In MANY ways i feel I've already gone through that grief process. A therapist once asked me if i love my Mom. I honestly couldn't say yes. I'm clear that i don't like her and if not related would definitely choose not to associate with her. I disagree with a lot of how she conducts herself and pride myself on being different. I'm more sad for her. Such a waste of life. as a psychotherapist i have so many all the time having the strength to recognize their patterns and try and change their habits. It's a loss for me as the daughter but moreso a shame for her in her life. I like to think approaching her with more compassion ( even at a distance) is a sign of growth vs. staying reactive to her. On another note I once "ran into her" in New York City! New York city! ( it felt karmic!) Each had no idea we were going there b/c we were LC at that time so there of course was no communication. When I think of how I would define our relationship to me she is like that stranger who stopped to say hello while I was enjoying my life and on my way to something joyful, and I chatted a bit superficially and kept going. Over the years I've decided I don't need her for anything, and really don't want her for anything. To me this feels closer to acceptance... .After years of investing in her changing. years of tears and loss... .I feel i'm clear on who she is and her limitations. I feel she has made a decision about what our relationship is/isn't and I support her decision. It's just all unspoken. Maybe this is just a stronger day. I figure if I'm not present I can't be targeted. Trying to be an observer not a participant.
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