Im just heartbroken

[Mariposas]

You guys... .I'm devastated.  I thought our daughter only had an eating disorder, but it's so much more.  I had so many people counseling me on how manipulative she is and how I was enabling... .wouldn't trust my own instincts to just love her.  She's felt disappointed by me so many times and I've taken the blame many times just to avoid an argument.  

She is ill... .there's no escaping that... .trauma, ptsd, so many things... .I don't know what to do anymore.  This yo yo back and forth is really hurting me and she tells me I"m the one doing the yo yo and dropping her... .I can't share with anyone around me... .If they knew how ill she is, they may not welcome her into their lives... .I'm starting to feel like I'm lying to the people around me... .painting her as this extraordinarily gifted young woman, which she is, but I think I may be the only one who sees this awful side of her to the depth I see it.  That used to be a comfort to me, that she really trusts me to see the darker sides of who she is, but now I just don't know.  She says she loves me and desperately wants me in her life and then avoids my calls and ignores my messages.  She was so frightenend last night when we were talking, she share her soul and then I got several calls that put my call with her on hold... .she just shut down thinking I was putting her on hold while she was breaking down emotionally.  Now she's just ignoring me with and reminded me how I will drop her at the drop of a hat... .that I'm not there for her  :-( She's our adopted foster daughter and she doesn't realize how much I've sacrificed in my relationship with my son to embrace her... .it just doesn't matter.  It's never enough and I can't change how she sees mej.  That's the hardest thing... .I would do anything for her and she can't see that... .all she sees is how I've let her down.  


-mariposas

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Oh Mariposas, I could have written your post myself. We also adopted our daughter out of foster care. You are not doing this to her. She has a severe attachment disorder. A good primer for BPD is the book "I hate you, don't leave me." The title is very descriptive of how people with BPD feel. Part of the diagnosis includes "attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." You cannot take responsibility for this.  You are truly doing your best and unfortunately for both of us our kids were born into the wrong biological families and we all continue to suffer the consequences.

She has to get proper treatment, which is dbt. You can't treat her and actually from experience I think the more you try to get close to her the more volatile things get because there is more for her to lose. Maybe you could find a family therapist for you both to go to who specializes in attachment, too. Our kids with severe trauma on top of BPD are very complex

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have been where you are for the last four years. I am here for you.

Lots of love,
HB

[Hyacinth Bucket]

A side note- something that helped me immensely and is actually from dialectical behavioral therapy is the idea of " radical acceptance." The premise is from Buddhist psychology and the idea is basically that no one can avoid pain and sadness, but true suffering comes from our inability to accept the reality of the situations causing us pain. It was a hard one to wrap my brain around at first but it's really helped me. Trying to stop wishing things were different, saying "if only... ." all the time... it helps.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Mariposas, like Hyacinth Bucket, I too could have written your post except for the fact that I am the biological mother of my uBPD son. I can relate to everything else.

Yes, people told me that I was being manipulated. Didn’t trust my own instincts too. Actually once when I admitted that to my son his whole demeanour changed towards me, he became the loving son that he had always been, I somehow had managed to reach him. The sad thing was it was completely forgotten the next time I saw him and there I was, back to square one.

It can be a lonely place when you think/know that you are the only one who has seen that side of your loved one. That is the blessing of this place, here there are people who totally understand what you are going through and can feel your sadness.

HB is so right in what she says, accepting that what is... .IS, and I know it’s extremely difficult to do, but what she says makes so much sense. Suffering is a state of mind, the mind doesn’t want to accept something that is so painful, but until it is accepted the suffering will continue. I wish you peace x 

[wendydarling]

Hi Mariposas

You're in need a hug right now, here's one from me    I'm so sorry you are going through this with your daughter and it's hurting you so very much. I'd like to share our lesson Hyacinth Bucket and Feeling Better refer to help you cope, it's all about coping.1.06|Radical Acceptance  Mariposas do you think your daughter recognises she's ill, is ready to take on her responsibility and reach out for a full diagnosis and treatment? My DD also started with an eating disorder and was finally and properly diagnosed at 26. Like others what helped me is immersing myself in the learning resources here and joining other members threads, you have friends here and we are here to support you, you are not alone.

Small steps
WDx