is it ok to get rid of her stuff?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I could use some feedback while I try to come to a decision about exgfBPD's stuff. Back when she moved several hours away to go to rehab then a halfway house, she left many possessions in my house for safekeeping. She left some really nice tools at my house, plus her art portfolio--things that I know she values.

I have refused contact in any way except via email since her last amphetamine-induced psychotic episode, so for 4 1/2 months. I didn't want to get sucked back in, I was so addicted to her body, email was all I thought I could handle without getting sucked back in.

When she called, presumably about her stuff, I wouldn't pick up, then emailed her back the next day to tell her I'd only communicate via email. She argued email was inconvenient because she'd gone to see her family who live somewhere super-rural with spotty internet.

Still, I only emailed. I wrote her not to worry about her stuff, it would be here when she got back. Truth is, I wasn't ready to see her in person anyway. I told her we should should sort it out by the end of the summer, figuring that would give us both enough time to come up with a plan. But that was a couple months ago.

Over the last couple weeks, I've started to want my closet space back, and maybe just move her out emotionally/spiritually? So I emailed her to ask her plan for getting her stuff. I told her I'd unblock her phone number if it was easier to discuss on phone. No response.

I feel a little bad, because I promised her her stuff would be safe, but I've already started clearing her stuff out. This is not a person who has much, I do not want her to be deprived of what little she does have. Still, I started sorting through it and thew away anything that was just crazy hoarding (old pill bottles and medicines, assorted papers, socks with no match, etc.) and packed everything up nicely. I felt better afterwards, staring at the mess she'd left in my closet was depressing.

Then, I emailed her with an inventory of her stuff, and asked her what she wants me to do with it. I volunteered to ship her art portfolio at my expense if she'd give me her address. No response.

Her tools, snorkel gear, etc are too big and heavy, she'd have to come get it or send me money to ship it at her expense. I doubt that will happen. I am happy to keep that stuff, it's useful to me, but also feel bad taking anything away from her, she's dirt poor living off disability. Some of her stuff, I bought for her anyway, namely a bunch of camping gear, so I don't feel as bad about keeping that.

There's a bag of clothes and a box of well-used art supplies that are of no use to me. I told her if I didn't hear from her soon, I would just donate or toss those. I worry I'm being mean. This is not someone who is good at handling, well, anything, let alone organizing her life. But she's had chances to communicate clearly a plan to me--just email me "I'll come to get it in November," or something.

Her lack of response could mean anything. Maybe she's the psyche ward (again.) I don't know if she ever made it back to my state or stayed across the country with her family. I wonder if she's really unable to respond to my emails? Or is she trying to ignore me so I'll try harder to contact her? Or maybe she's just so upset and hurt by me not engaging with her, she's wiling to give up these possessions to make me feel guilty.

It's frustrating to still feel responsible for helping her. One of her themes was "I can't hold onto anything," and it's true. At one point she had a sailboat, a motorcycle, a girlfriend (me,) a job, school... .I watched her lose it all and more. Some was the fault of a hurricane, but I get the feeling she'd have lost it all anyway, she was not able to maintain possessions or relationships. She told me she used to have another expensive, full set of tools which she left with her ex wife, so maybe that's just what she does. Loses everything, and it's not my fault if she loses this stuff too.

Thoughts?

[Lady Itone]

I could use some feedback while I try to come to a decision about exgfBPD's stuff. Back when she moved several hours away to go to rehab then a halfway house, she left many possessions in my house for safekeeping. She left some really nice tools at my house, plus her art portfolio--things that I know she values.

I have refused contact in any way except via email since her last amphetamine-induced psychotic episode, so for 4 1/2 months. I didn't want to get sucked back in, I was so addicted to her body, email was all I thought I could handle without getting sucked back in.

When she called, presumably about her stuff, I wouldn't pick up, then emailed her back the next day to tell her I'd only communicate via email. She argued email was inconvenient because she'd gone to see her family who live somewhere super-rural with spotty internet.

Still, I only emailed. I wrote her not to worry about her stuff, it would be here when she got back. Truth is, I wasn't ready to see her in person anyway. I told her we should should sort it out by the end of the summer, figuring that would give us both enough time to come up with a plan. But that was a couple months ago.

Over the last couple weeks, I've started to want my closet space back, and maybe just move her out emotionally/spiritually? So I emailed her to ask her plan for getting her stuff. I told her I'd unblock her phone number if it was easier to discuss on phone. No response.

I feel a little bad, because I promised her her stuff would be safe, but I've already started clearing her stuff out. This is not a person who has much, I do not want her to be deprived of what little she does have. Still, I started sorting through it and thew away anything that was just crazy hoarding (old pill bottles and medicines, assorted papers, socks with no match, etc.) and packed everything up nicely. I felt better afterwards, staring at the mess she'd left in my closet was depressing.

Then, I emailed her with an inventory of her stuff, and asked her what she wants me to do with it. I volunteered to ship her art portfolio at my expense if she'd give me her address. No response.

Her tools, snorkel gear, etc are too big and heavy, she'd have to come get it or send me money to ship it at her expense. I doubt that will happen. I am happy to keep that stuff, it's useful to me, but also feel bad taking anything away from her, she's dirt poor living off disability. Some of her stuff, I bought for her anyway, namely a bunch of camping gear, so I don't feel as bad about keeping that.

There's a bag of clothes and a box of well-used art supplies that are of no use to me. I told her if I didn't hear from her soon, I would just donate or toss those. I worry I'm being mean. This is not someone who is good at handling, well, anything, let alone organizing her life. But she's had chances to communicate clearly a plan to me--just email me "I'll come to get it in November," or something.

Her lack of response could mean anything. Maybe she's the psyche ward (again.) I don't know if she ever made it back to my state or stayed across the country with her family. I wonder if she's really unable to respond to my emails? Or is she trying to ignore me so I'll try harder to contact her? Or maybe she's just so upset and hurt by me not engaging with her, she's wiling to give up these possessions to make me feel guilty.

It's frustrating to still feel responsible for helping her. One of her themes was "I can't hold onto anything," and it's true. At one point she had a sailboat, a motorcycle, a girlfriend (me,) a job, school... .I watched her lose it all and more. Some was the fault of a hurricane, but I get the feeling she'd have lost it all anyway, she was not able to maintain possessions or relationships. She told me she used to have another expensive, full set of tools which she left with her ex wife, so maybe that's just what she does. Loses everything, and it's not my fault if she loses this stuff too.

Thoughts?

[Mindfried]

My advice would be to rent a small storage space. They are inexpensive. Pay for the first month or two. Put a combination lock on it. Email her the address, storage number, and combination to the lock and you can be done with this and still feel like you safeguarded her belongings and left the remainder of the responsibility up to her to retrieve. You will also rid yourself of the negative energy her belongings carry. The financial cost is minimal to what you will gain emotionally.

[Fie]

Hello Lady Itone,

I have only read a couple of your posts, so I don't know your full story. But maybe that's not necessary to answer your question, I think I got the picture.

I have only 1 advise for you : get rid of everything. No need to feel guilty. You have reached out, she didn't react, full stop. That's not being mean. That's getting on with your *own* life. No need to keep fixing her even after you have broken up. You are not in each other's life anymore, right ?
I have done the same and it felt like the only right thing to do. Doing something else involves a big risk to be sucked in again (and you already sound like you are dealing with some FOG, correct ?)

It's your decision. But I wouldn't hesitate. And I don't think I'm a mean person  
Besides, no need to throw it in the garbage ... you could give it to charity.

[Mutt]

Hi Lady Itone,

Substance abuse, few friends,strained relationships with her FOO, etc.

What about shipping her stuff to her family or get them to retrieve it?

[Chitchat]

When I met my ex, she obsessed over my five or six hundred soft toys, some big, some small. I had collected them over two years for work. We took turns at being dismissive of them. But when I talked about real issues such as work and housing, she turned the conversation to needing to care for the toys. One day I noticed she had repaired a huge lion whose leg started to detach. She hadn't even told me.

When I separated with her and moved out of the house, I gave most of the toys away but took the lion to my mother's house. It's in a closet, looking down from the toy shelf with all the other children's toys my mother kept from when I was small. There is also a small notebook with some of my ex's hair and jewellery which my ex returned to me. For now I don't have to deal with the emotional baggage. Who knows how I will feel when the day comes to pick them up.

You have feelings for her. She doesn't have much. She may or may not need or want the things as much as you think. Hard decision. Maybe one last email, calm, just about things, then dispose of the replaceable stuff, keep the art portfolio and one small but expensive item till spring. It may be okay to have a few 'useful' things of your ex's, out of sight, out of mind, but it will be hard having intrusive reminders of her.

[Harley Quinn]

My advice would be to rent a small storage space. They are inexpensive. Pay for the first month or two. Put a combination lock on it. Email her the address, storage number, and combination to the lock and you can be done with this and still feel like you safeguarded her belongings and left the remainder of the responsibility up to her to retrieve.

Mindfried has a good suggestion here which would allow you to feel comfortable that you have protected her items for a set amount of time, during which it is down to her to arrange to either retrieve them or continue to pay for the storage herself. 

Perhaps you could copy a family member on your email informing her of the duration of the paid storage?  As Mutt has suggested, involving someone from her family ought to remedy any guilt you feel over her inability to function well.  It opens up a lifeline for her and you are handing over responsibility.  She can choose to play out her story and lose these items or she can choose not to.  That is her decision.

I felt I had to remove signs of my ex from my home as he haunted me everywhere I turned, so I can't imagine having a bunch of possessions around to look at.  It's good that you're wanting to clear those reminders from your life and make space for yourself, both literally and metaphorically. 

Love and light x 

[Lady Itone]

Thanks guys,

I looked into storage spaces earlier, and units are very expensive here (beautiful island, prime real estate.) I coudn't afford a storage unit here, let alone her. Maybe I'll look into units up on the mainland, which was where she was living last I knew. It would be a pain to get the stuff up there, but it's something to consider.

As for contacting her family, I have thought about messaging her brother, but I feel a deep resistance to the idea. That's not to say anything bad about her brother, he and I got along fine whenever I had to contact him in the past. It just feels like being in her world again. Maybe I could at least get her art portfolio to him, I'll have to think about that.

Highly unlikely her family would come get her stuff, or pay for it to be shipped. So much of it is big and heavy (toolboxes, a tent, etc.) it would be difficult and expensive to ship. They live across the country  in a trailer park, not much space or money there. Plus, they don't typically interfere with the messes she makes.

I've never felt like I have to erase all traces of my ex after a relationship. I have no problem keeping stuff that's useful to me, it won't bother to me to remember her when I use her tools or snorkel gear. I keep a beautiful picture she drew of a my deceased pet on my bookcase because I genuinely love the drawing. Heck, I'm still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed as when I lived with my exhusband. As a working-class woman, thrift trumps emotion.

But her clothes, the necklaces she wore, the deeply personal items like that did cause me some heartache when I sorted through it. Sometimes I still miss that gorgeous, crazy, maddening creature! Thanks for the great ideas, everyone, I'm going to think on it a little longer and see what feels right.   

[Panda39]

Hi LadyItone,

It sounds like the portfolio is important to her and it sounds like it is important to you that she have it, so maybe you return that and any other small things that are affordable for you to ship with a note indicating you will hold on to the rest of her things until whatever deadline you are comfortable with.  You have then given her an opportunity to collect her things. 

You have then done your due diligence and she either picks up her stuff or she doesn't.  That responsibility is hers and so are the consequences of not picking up her things.

This may sound harsh but this is how I see it (as a non-emotionally involved outsider Panda)... .
You are not responsible for her things, you are not responsible for her feelings about her things, you are not responsible for her ability to get her things, you are not being mean. She is responsible for herself and her things.

You are giving her the opportunity to collect the things she left behind. That is what you control (and I might add that is the nice thing to do) and the rest is up to her.

Also just as a CYA... .Keep documentation of what you send her and of your communication giving her the opportunity to collect her things.  I may be overly cautious but I'd hate to see something bite you in the butt later on down the line.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Lady Itone]

It sounds like the portfolio is important to her and it sounds like it is important to you that she have it, so maybe you return that and any other small things that are affordable for you to ship with a note indicating you will hold on to the rest of her things until whatever deadline you are comfortable with. Keep documentation of what you send her and of your communication giving her the opportunity to collect her things.  I may be overly cautious but I'd hate to see something bite you in the butt later on down the line.

I'd have to ask her brother for her address to do that. I have no idea if she's with her family, or returned to her group living home, or what. I doubt she'd ever have the wherewithal to sue me or send police, but yeah, another reason to stick to email communications.

I've been talking to an online therapist who brought up a good point that maybe she's just not attached to her stuff, and it really doesn't matter to her if she doesn't have her drawings or the tools she paid good money for. She just gets stuff, loses it, and accumulates more, no big deal, least of her worries. Maybe I'm putting more anxiety into the stuff than she is.   

[Skip]

I've been talking to an online therapist who brought up a good point that maybe she's just not attached to her stuff, and it really doesn't matter to her if she doesn't have her drawings or the tools she paid good money for. She just gets stuff, loses it, and accumulates more, no big deal, least of her worries. Maybe I'm putting more anxiety into the stuff than she is.  

People generally care about there stuff. She may have the same anxiety about dealing with you and it may be hard - especially if she is compromised in some way.

It's also important for you to reclaim your space.

Why not pack up the car and get up really early one morning and take a relaxing scenic drive to the mainland and put the property in storage. Many facilities have a $1 rate for the first month, so you can get a small locker for 2-3 months. You could do some shopping. You could be back by noon.

I sense you want to move on and you want to be a person of impeccable character in doing so. Don't second guess her, do what you think is right. It's about you. 

[Lady Itone]

I finally unblocked her on Facebook and was able to get hold of her. Looks like she's staying indefinitely with her family. Of course, when I offered to send her art portfolio (easy to do,) she asked me for tool box full of art supplies too.Typical. When I offer her something, she asks for something more.

She did say she'd send money for the heavy stuff, I told her to research how to ship heavy/big tools and how much it costs because I have no idea how to go about doing it.

At least in the brief online convo, she seems lucid and safe, and I feel safer from temptation knowing she's across the country. So yay. So I guess for now, this situation is suitably resolved.

[Fie]

Happy to know !
Well done.