PART 2: Any experience filing a harassment order or OFP

[HopelessBroken]

MODERATION NOTE:  This is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328927.0

So overnight I receive an email, the first in a week and a half, which says “please call me” And his number.  All morning then calls to my office desk phone, none of which I answer. Up until today I’m thinking this is finally done.

So tonight I’m out having dinner with our only friend in common when she tells me he took a woman to Mexico for a week and a half ( the one he paraded around me after the breakup). She said the number of Facebook posts he posted of them having the most amazing time was nauseating.

So clearly the only reason I didn’t hear from him is he was out of the country.

So I find myself home alone now after dinner and just furious and sad. I thought I was making progress. My abuse support group has been so good and my therapy has been going so well. Now I find myself mad, jealous, sad, questioning everything again. How in the world can he lie, continuously cheat, abuse, and discard and then live it up in Mexico? And how can I slide backwards so quickly? And why contact right when he gets back? To continue to tell me he’s upset I still am alive and breathing?

Help. I’m spinning.

[livednlearned]

Most likely, he is frantically trying to avoid searing emotional pain. Serial sex with women and harassment to the point he's flirting with a restraining order is a sign of someone in emotional free fall.

Each time his actions create an emotional crisis, he impulsively jumps to behaviors that make things worse, and  all that does is leave a trail of more problems too big to solve, especially for someone with little to no problem-solving skills.

Solving problems when your emotions are on tilt is next to impossible. He's likely been this way his whole life, so he doesn't have adequate problem-solving skills when it comes to relationships.

He wasn't having the time of his life in Mexico, he was running for his life from feelings too painful to experience. Things probably didn't go well in Mexico because he was there with himself, the person he is running from, and he came home and his girlfriend went home or wherever she went, and he was back to square one: alone.

So he calls you.

He probably called other women.

Then the cycle continues. He tries desperately to avoid feeling the emptiness, the aloneness, the shame, the weight of emotionally being out of control with no scaffolding internally to help him find the path out of this sheer hell.

You were an answer at one point, along with many other answers, none of them satisfying what is he desperate for because the only person who can fulfill him is himself, and he's not in any shape to take care of himself, not without intensive treatment.

For him, other women are like nachos are for you. These "solutions" blunt the pain temporarily, but they don't cure what's really hurting.

It's good that you have support to help you through this. If it starts to feel painful, that may be a sign you are getting past anger to something deeper and more painful than what this relationship is about. Try to stay with it if you can. If you come out the other side, it can feel like a thousand tons of grief is lifted, much heavier stuff than what this relationship represents.

And be kind to yourself. You didn't pick up the phone and you didn't call him.

You are getting off the merry go round.

 

LnL

[Panda39]

Just wanted to second LnL!

This is about him, his issues, and his dysfunction.

I know this all feels hard for you. Each time he reaches out again he escalates those darn feelings you are trying to let go of, keep doing what you're doing... .healing.  I am confident you will get through this.

Panda39

[HopelessBroken]

When I really sit and reflect, it’s like I’m looking for answers I will never get. Will this relationship fail, will he start to abuse her too, will she at some point not be good enough in his eyes, does he truly have a personality disorder, was any part of our relationship real, in the midst of all the hatred towards me does he ever miss me.

All these questions that will forever go unanswered.

I ended up having to take anxiety meds to sleep last night. That’s where my life is at. He still effects me and he’s off living his life. Meanwhile I don’t think I ever effected him.

[livednlearned]

Has there ever been another charismatic, attentive (alternating with distant) male in your life prior to this relationship who made you feel discarded or worthless?

Someone important?

Usually these relationships are no accident. 

[HopelessBroken]

No, never. This was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Thus, as smart as I am, I didn’t see it coming nor was I equipped to deal with it.

Tell me more about what you are thinking?

[livednlearned]

Tell me more about what you are thinking?

Falling in love with someone who has BPD is like finding the perfect house for your mental furniture. Usually that furniture is handed down to us from our family of origin.

Some counselors say it can also come from transgenerational trauma, where a relative in the family has severe mental illness that is enabled in some way by the whole family, creating chains of dysfunction. It usually looks *normal* to those of us who grew up in families like that, but to someone emotionally healthy there are visible signs of dysfunction.

Picking someone with no boundaries is usually not an accident.

[HopelessBroken]

This is very interesting to me. The only instance of mental health in my family  was my father who was medicated bi-polar. He was high functioning, an assistant attorney general, and took his medication religiously. I actually did not find out that he had a mental health diagnosis until he became ill with leukemia when I was a teenager and could not be on his medication during treatments. He passed away a short time later and my mother then had a conversation with me informing me he suffered from bi-polar. My upbringing was loving and stable.

My 18 year marriage was to someone who showed no emotion. I did not feel loved, cared for, payed attention to, valued or important.

So when the pwBPD came along he filled a very deep void for me and it felt amazing. As stupid as it makes me sound I didn’t see or feel the red flags that were all over. I accepted him as he was, and soaked up the attention.

How odd right? After 18 years of no emotion I still didn’t see crazy? Even with a therapist saying THIS IS CRAZY I rationalized it.

I’m wondering with your explanation, why I didn’t see this as abnormal. Could his attention have made me feel that good that I overlooked the world of red flags I was living in?

[livednlearned]

My upbringing was loving and stable.

With a pretty big secret!

How did you feel when your mom told you that?

[HopelessBroken]

I was 17, so I didn’t really understand what that meant.

I think it didn’t make much of an impact since it didn’t “explain” anything. He didn’t display the up and down behavior. His emotions and actions were balanced. I never saw anything but stability from him.

Do you think this plays a part for me?

[Chitchat]

For sure your early life is a big factor, but it could be difficult to see how. What were the key moments and stages in your falling in love? What do you see?

The questions you don't expect to get answers to are normal. I think with time you can get answers. It's no shame that you took meds for sleep.

[livednlearned]

I was 17, so I didn’t really understand what that meant.

I think it didn’t make much of an impact since it didn’t “explain” anything. He didn’t display the up and down behavior. His emotions and actions were balanced. I never saw anything but stability from him.

Do you think this plays a part for me?

I would imagine it does in some way, whether it's the secrecy about it, or the painful loss of your dad at such a formative time in your life. How did your family grieve his loss?

I idolized my dad and it took a long time in therapy for me to see that the stability in my family was in fact an intense denial and fear of emotions, pretty much full stop. Feelings were discounted, distrusted, and invalidated as a way to maintain stability in the family and as a result, I was all but erased. My brother was mentally ill and suicidal, and that lived in our home like an elephant we had to pretend wasn't there.

That stuff can really mess up what gets defined as love.

[HopelessBroken]

CC - I can tell you exactly what they were. We would spend hours on the phone, texting and together. Talking about everything. It’s like everything I said was important. We went so many places and had new experiences together (many extremely emotional). The way he looked at me and touched me. The way he called me his unicorn and made me feel like the most important and beautiful person. I have known him and his family since I was little which gave us this instant connection. I remember the night I looked at him and thought to myself... .this man feels like home. When the abuse started I didn’t even notice it was abuse. I was in love and would do anything to get the amazing feelings he gave me back. It was like a drug.

LL - I think you and my therapist are both on the same track. When my dad died, it was horrific. Leukemia is a horrible cancer. And everyone just moved on. No one talked about anything. My mom acted like nothing was different. She look pictures down. As I fell into depression she never asked what was wrong. My friends were just kids and couldn’t relate. It was like my intense pain didn’t matter. It’s like my dad didn’t matter. I’m working on this in therapy. Which is why my pwBPD’s comment recently in email was so hurtful. That HE would visit my dead dads grave as I didn’t have the strength to. That way he wouldn’t be alone. :/

[HopelessBroken]

I should add, the last three days have left me spinning.

Monday night my pwBPD texted and called my work cell phone (which was at work) texting song lyrics that are extremely emotional to me and asking me to call him. Tuesday he proceeded to call my office phone and leave a loving message, in a caring voice and asked me to call him.

Unbenounced to him, I’m not at work as I’m down at the Mayo Clinic finding out my cancer has come back. Upset that I’m alone there, as he is usually supporting me through these appointments (and then going through my cell phone when I’m getting my testing done).

So I get into work today to several more voice mails and emails. Changing tone throughout the day. First loving, then angry. For example “YOU SAID I COULD ALWAYS CALL YOU. HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME. YOU SAID.” Then back to loving “coffee tomorrow?”  “Don’t know if you got my message but I would like to see you tomorrow.”

As I find myself saying often... .WHAT?

These was a panic today for some reason. About ten contacts total. None of which I responded to. I wish I knew why.

So in wrapping this up... .since discarding me I’ve endured countless situations of verbal and emotional abuse. And the hurtful “I cheated on you with 13 people.”  But yet he’s PISSED because I’m not answering my phone? Who WOULD EVER want to talk to someone who’s been so extremely hurtful.

Please help me understand.

[Chitchat]

What do you mean, you are spinning? You want to understand why he's calling, or you are asking who would want to talk to him?

[HopelessBroken]

Thank you for the clarification question. By spinning I mean... .I’m anxious, I’m on edge, I’m confused, my thoughts are all over the place. His contact does this to me. He has the ability to raise a very heightened response from me.

And yes, I’m confused how after how abusive he’s been and how he replaced me before I was gone... .how can can ask me out for coffee like nothing happened

This morning I came to work to find an email asking me out for lunch and a voice mail later saying since I didn’t respond about lunch he thinks it’s a “no go.” He would like to have lunch tomorrow  or sometime this weekend, “I miss you.”

You cheated on me with 13 people.  And you now “miss me”

Insert the thumbs down emoji.

[Chitchat]

how can can ask me out for coffee like nothing happened

This is what to expect. Minimise or normalise the injury. Then deny it happened. Gaslighting. Acting like nothing happened is often the first approach. Testing of waters. Refusal to accept your escape. Do you think your ex could even try to persuade you that nothing did happen?

I knew to expect these direct-indirect overtures when I asked for space. I kept my resolve without hesitation. She responded initially with escalation, but then no contact. It would take weeks of doubt to see clearly. Extinction burst? Gaslighting? Is there such a thing as seeing clearly?

[livednlearned]

I’m not at work as I’m down at the Mayo Clinic finding out my cancer has come back.

Ugh. Talk about a one-two punch, HB. I'm glad you have a therapist to help get you through everything that's going on.

For example “YOU SAID I COULD ALWAYS CALL YOU. HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME. YOU SAID.”

This may as well be "I SEE UNICORNS ON DRUGS FLY OUT OF BUSES AND NO ONE DOES A THING. HOW DARE YOU PRETEND THERE ARE NO UNICORNS."

Then back to loving “coffee tomorrow?”  “Don’t know if you got my message but I would like to see you tomorrow.”

(Unsure whether the unicorns are real, unsure whether he said anything, unsure he should've said something, unsure if you noticed, unsure if you will hold him accountable for what he said/saw/did, "want to go back to being normal? want to pretend that never happened? I sure do."

These was a panic today for some reason. About ten contacts total. None of which I responded to. I wish I knew why.

There is a why, but it's more like "why do intense emotions distort the way we think and act?"

If you want off this merry-go-round, you have to know a bit about what is happening physiologically when someone lives with intense emotions and an interrupted self.

Who WOULD EVER want to talk to someone who’s been so extremely hurtful.

THAT is the real question.

That's the question that will help you heal.