How to move forward

[ManOnTheHill]

Hi. Thank you for being here. Feeling very alone at the moment and the existence of this place is a wonderful glimmer of hope.

My wife of 12 years appears to be exhibiting 6 of the 9 BPD traits strongly and consistently over the time I've known her. I know a Google diagnosis is a bad thing, but I'm reading the Eggshells book I can't stop seeing the similarities in the way my wife behaves and how BPD is  described. I know it could just be confirmation bias, but its a bit of a relief really, just to know what might be causing her behavior and that there are others like me who are trying to cope, provide support, and raise a child all at the same time - not to mention keep the lights on and food on the table.

I could use some advice if anyone can offer it. My wife lost her father recently. He was a very unpleasant person and stole $20k from me, and died alone, in trouble with the law and estranged from 2 wives and 5 daughters. We have little to no money now and my father refused to pay for my wife to travel to his funeral. When I (mistakenly) mentioned that I could understand why he would not she exploded on me - one of the worst I've seen (and I've seen some really bad ones) - and told me that I had completely betrayed her - then invited her 2 only friends around to scream at me in front of them.

She's now semi catatonic, and has been for a few days. She's done the 'shut-out' / 'silent treatment' catatonic thing many many times on me in the past and my daughter and I are trying to let her recover and walking on egg shells again. We're trying our best to be happy and doing a lot of things out side of the house, but the pain is behind both our eyes and it's really getting to me.

In the past I've always apologized no matter the issue and tried my best to walk her out of the dark place that she goes to. But I can't seem to stomach it this time. I have hated my self every time I have. I know I'm a good person, always provided, always loved, always looked at my self critically because I know I'm not perfect.

So question is: how can I help her out of this catatonic state without having to swallow my self respect again? No matter what I say she'll scream at me - all I have to say is that it is 'my fault and I'm sorry, I'll try to be a better man'. But I'm really tired of being made out to be the bad guy, the terrible person, the unloving controller who does nothing but constantly criticize her.

The other question I'm struggling with: I don't know what would be best for my daughter. She's amazing, really kind, smart, empathetic, just a wonderful ray of sunshine in so many ways, but I can see this is behavior is affecting her deeply. Her Mom has never been well, always temperamental, very fear driven, paranoid and now overtly and fundamentally biblical but she loves her hugely and has developed a deep fear and fine tuned intuition of how to avoid another potential emotional explosion.

Should I just say sorry? Make peace to get us back to normal and help my daughter to have a mother again? I know I'll hate myself but isn't it better than letting my daughter see her mother behaving this way? My worry is really the long term effect on my daughter, what kind of person she'll grow up to be, and what kind of man she'll be drawn to if she has had a Daddy who was so often painted in such a terrible way and always swallowed his pride because of someone else's emotional bullying.

I'd like to avoid divorce if I can. I know first hand how painful that can be on a little mind. Financially it would ruin me and potentially cast my wife into the world with no job, little to no money and only 2 remaining friends, but emotionally I can see the benefits even if the process would be gut wrenching for me and my daughter.

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble. I wish we could afford to - and my wife would be open to - seek professional therapy. But any kind of advice would be so helpful. My father doesn't want to know, and my brother and only friend in the world recommends getting out and divorcing her.

Even if no one responds to this post, it's been nice to be able to write this, so thank you to whoever is out there making this site possible.

Sincerely,
Scared, lonely and desperate ManOnTheHill

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WileyCoyote]

First... . 
Welcome to BPD Family.  From reading your post I can see you are in the right place.

how can I help her out of this catatonic state without having to swallow my self respect again?

You can't.  Sadly, the reality is it is up to her.  

But with that in mind, a couple things.  

Grief is different for everybody.  I imagine that for a pwBPD it is unfathomable.   This usually means extreme acting out, or extreme withdrawal and refusal to even experience the emotions (catatonic like, or dissociative staring and ignoring you).  Are you familiar with dissociation?  She is essentially somewhere else in her mind so that she doesn't have to experience the reality of now.  If she can't pile them onto you to manage (i.e. when you apologize for things you did not do) she has to stuff them away.  At least for the moment.  They will most likely come out at inappropriate times later and you won't understand why she is upset.

But remember... she might have disordered thinking, but she is still a person who lost their father and is grieving.  This might be the best she can do even in the best of times.

Can you give us some context for how recent the death of her father was?  Reading between the lines it seems to have only been a few days?  That would be hard for anyone.

Can you explain what the dynamic was about your father paying or not paying for her to go to her father's funeral?

[Notgoneyet]

ManOnTheHill, 
  I'd like to join WileyCoyote in welcome you aboard this site. It is truly my calm place in a hurricane of crazy emotions from my uBPDw of 35 yrs. You are definitely not alone here. My w has spent many BAD days past, on the couch in semi catatonic state (depression, alcohol, mood ) driven. The verbal abuse & silent treatment is also very hard to deal w. I can tell you from personal experience I know how tough that is & how bad it can make you feel. Even to the point of making you yourself sick. Very important to practice selfcare when dealing w a pwBPD.  
 (Quote)
" We're trying our best to be happy and doing a lot of things out side of the house, but the pain is behind both our eyes and it's really getting to me." That's practicing Great selfcare!   It's not easy sometimes & very necessary to you & your daughters health.

Some of the things we do when caregiving to pwBPD can actually make thing worse in the long run, sort of reinforcing bad behavior for them. I used to do it too (apologizing for things I didn't do).   

My SO father pasted away 5 yrs ago & that triggered my SO downward spiral that ended her up w several hospital stays and her bottom so to speak that helped her seek some recovery (12 step AA & T for depression, PTSD & anger) & most recently DBT for (strong emotions) code for BPD.

Eggshells is a classic 1st read on the subject that I think most everyone here has read at least once. I know that's when my light bulb lit !   So much more here to learn as well, Just follow the side bars to the right.         
Read ,Learn ,Share here & Practice
You can make your home life better in time, even with all the crazy going on around you! 
 Sending you hope, prayers & hugs   
 NGY